I [M32] feel that my partner [F32] does not pull her weight. As a precursor, we both are working with schedules that are irregular where I work 4x10hrs per week and she works 7x12hrs biweekly. In addition I have a second job in order for extra income. (3 to 4 shifts a month) We are also the parents of 2 kids.
I have become annoyed at how she places herself before taking into consideration of my health and the kids. She works nights, and when she goes home she sleeps and she is adamant that she must get 8 hours sleep before the next shift. This results in skipping out on seeing the kids or at most, she picks the eldest up from school, drives her to my parents place and takes off for work.
On the alternative, when I am on nights I sacrifice my own sleep and get 5 maybe 6 hours top of sleep so that I can spend the extra time with the kids and have dinner with them before leaving for work.
She always prioritizes her social life with friends where she makes time with them and drops everything else. Where I am maybe lucky to have a single outing with my friends she has had 3 outings with her friends.
She picks up overtime at work at very inconvenient times. Sometimes at the last minute and sometimes without notice and I bend in order to support. Whereas she expects me to always tell her and when I do she shoots down or I get a sense of guilt if I pick up at my 2nd job.
I feel that I have to be flexible where she doesn’t. I have been told by her to be a better father and work less, however, I feel that I am doing a better job of being a parent than she is. Also when it comes to house maintenance, I have to pick up the slack.
As of recent, she has told me to quit my full time job as I absolutely hate my full time job. She is right in that respect, why stay at a job that one hates. I have been making the decision to drop my full time and work at my 2nd job more regularly. I am worried that she will take that away from me leaving me at home to take care of everything family/house related while she goes to work and works overtime all she wants, sleeps her Mandatory 8 hours and visits friends without guilt since I will be home primarily and taking care of the kids.
I don’t know how to talk to her about this. I don’t want to upset her because every time I bring anything like this up to her she freaks out at me and twists the situation and places the blame on me.
TL;DR: My [M32] partner [F32] focuses on work, sleep/self care and external socializing over her family and home.
How do I help correct this where she is a more active participant at home.
5 comments
She is just partnering and parenting the way men have partnered and parented for hundreds of years. I don’t see anything inherently wrong with her priorities and choices.
If you don’t want to be the primary parent, carer, and housekeeper, drop the kids off at the grandparents’ place for a day and spend a few hours together, working out a budget plan to hire a housekeeper and after-school carer/tutor for the kids. Then you can both focus on careers and sleep.
I mean I don’t think wanting to sleep for 8 hours is some sort of craaazy demand bro. That seems like a basic necessity to me. You should be getting your 8 hours of sleep too and the first thing I thought when I read your story is: someone here needs to work less because there are just not enough hours in the day for all of that. It seems to me like she’s just good at prioritizing self-care and you on the other hand have bad boundaries and resent her for it.
And I’m confused why dropping your job would NOT mean more housework and childcare? Isn’t that the point of working less, that there’s more time for that other stuff and you don’t have to resent her for not doing that? It’s a pretty normal arrangement to have one parent take care of income and the other have more of a stay at home role.
Tell me you work in Healthcare without telling me you work in Healthcare lol. MLS/MT/MLT? I think this could be solved with some communication, budgeting, and time management. Can you tighten your budget so you don’t have to work as many hours to make ends meet? When does she sleep during the day on her “on” weeks? It would be best if she’s sleeping while the kids are at school so she could get up and have a few hours with them after school before she has to go back into work. Does she spend a lot of time with the kids during her “off” weeks? A cleaning schedule would also be helpful. Schedule family deep clean days on the first day and last day of her “off” week, so the house is getting cleaned weekly, but not when she’s working 84hrs. And I say family cleaning in that the whole family stops what they’re doing at that time and does their fair share. The house gets clean faster and one person doesn’t feel burdened. Assign tasks. To plan this all out, that’s where communication comes in. You also need to set boundaries for socializing without the family. Cut corners where you can. Meal prep on “off” weeks, get groceries delivered instead of going to the grocery.
Focus on what you need and how to get it, not on trying to force your wife to get an objectively inadequate amount of sleep. This reads as very “I’m suffering so she should suffer too,” instead of “I’m suffering, so how can we solve this?”
Really take some extra time to consider her side of things, and the other comments here, but then talk it out yeah