Hi all,
I deeply appreciate any advice you have to offer here. I feel quite anxious writing this post because I fear the worst, but I’m hoping to get other opinions.
My partner (25F) and I (26M) have been together for about 4 years, and when we first started dating, we had a wonderful and fulfilling sex life. We’ve been living together for the past 2 years, and for most of that time, we’ve had a dead bedroom (sex less often than once a month). We’ve developed a cycle where we’ll go without, I’ll feel dejected and bring it up with her, and we might have it once or twice before things repeat.
When we talk about why things are as they are, it’s been a mix of past trauma for her, being distracted by the things in her life that weigh her down, and not having what I think of as spontaneous desire (leading to low libido). She’s reassured me every time we have the conversation that she’s attracted to me, and we’re very heavy on PDA as a couple (not making out of course, but always touching each other if out). She said we had sex more at the start of our relationship because I was initiating more. I suppose the natural course of things would’ve been me feeling as though things were one-sided. I also have pretty rough self-esteem, so rejections from her leave me not wanting to try again.
It’s become clear as well that what she needs to get in the mood is a good deal of lead-up and atmosphere (candles, music; she likes to smoke beforehand as well but I’m not a fan of only having sex with my partner when she isn’t sober). I understand that romance in sex is a positive, but it feels like there needs to be an evening of scene-setting for it to happen, as though every time were Valentine’s. This is something I could see for special occasions or the odd date night, but as someone who would be happiest having sex \~2-3 times a week, that’s simply too much to ask (I’m in grad school, do most of the chores, and have been dealing with depression for \~9 years).
What we have is a good relationship, and she’s genuinely the kindest soul I’ve ever gotten to know, but what it sounds like I’m agreeing to is having to initiate for the rest of my life, and when I do, it needs to be with significant preparation. I don’t want to lose her, but while I feel things could improve short-term, I’ll lose steam eventually and we’ll be back in the same rut.
I’m happy to provide any more info here and again thank you all for your time.
13 comments
I don’t have an answer for this one, I went through the same thing once with a woman I was otherwise head over heels for. Eventually I just had to let her go because we were not compatible. She was a very anxious person and could just never get past it.
The question is, this will never get any better. This is as good as it gets??
If you’re ok with your current love cadence, stay. Else wise you need to consider your options.
Sounds like she doesn’t want sex, but wants the “light” side of intimacy – the holding hands, light PDA, cuddling, whatever. But the parts she doesn’t like, she blames on you for not initiating enough and not working hard enough every time.
I’m assuming that you didn’t need a full night of romance every time you had sex in the beginning of a relationship?
Sadly, this happens in a lot of relationships. Basically the early stages of a relationship can boost someone’s sex drive. So for sex drives, a couple where one person has a high (8 out of 10) and the other has a low (maybe 3 out of 10) drive start off great, because the 8 is boosted to a 9, and the 3 is boosted all the way to a 7!
But then you both fall back to your “normal” levels, and you’re a 3 and an 8 rather than a 7 and 9, and it starts to fall apart.
Toughest part of this problem in marriage is that it has a MASSIVE hurdle that often other problems don’t have. For example, if one person is unemployed, they can both probably realize there’s a problem, even if the unemployed person doesn’t want to work, they at least acknowledge the problem.
But with differing sex drives, there literally is NO problem for the lower drive. That person with a three? That feels great to them! That’s normal life to them! No sex other than the rare encounter after a perfect leadup? That’s great! They don’t need or want sex regularly, and they can’t fathom why you do. To them you seem shallow, selfish, that you are only in it for sex now.
In the end – this is a common but hard problem to solve. You should work with a therapist, someone who can be unbiased and help you both work together to fix it, since otherwise it can turn bitter and antagonistic, which makes sex lives even worse.
Sounds to me like she’s getting her needs met elsewhere. Especially if your honest about the beginning. Look closer and pay more attention.
Here we go again..smh.
I will never suggest someone stay in a dead bedroom under any circumstance. It’s time to move on, amicably if possible.
I was in one for 10 years and it permanently altered me. I’m not nearly as happy or nice as I once was. It changed how I view myself, women, and sex.
Is she getting therapy for her trauma?
If she made the connection of her lack of desire being tied to her past trauma, then it’s possible something about your sex life may have triggered her in some way. She may not even realize it herself.
It can also depend on the type of trauma, but if it was sexual in nature, then naturally anything connected to sex could trigger her in ways she may be unaware. Getting therapy would help her in finding out if that is the case, and learning what her triggers are. If she has something like PTSD, images, sounds, smells, anything, even if it’s miniscule, that is reminiscent of the trauma, could trigger her negatively and could be the root cause of her lack in desire.
If none of that is the case, then you two may not be compatible. In the beginning of the relationship, it was fresh, new, exciting, and that upped her sex drive. But maybe once things mellowed out, she went back to what is “normal” for her sexually. That may explain why you have to make things exciting to get her in the mood.
While many issues are at play here, one tip I can give you to help is, you sound like you are focused on what you like and bed and want your GF to accommodate.
If she likes to smoke before it, why is that an issue? She likes to be romanced and feel special, that is common and many people enjoy that.
She will enjoy herself more if you are focused on her needs. In time you can create a new pattern.
It’s time to pull that plug. You both are way too young to be worrying about this stuff. If things hadn’t gotten this sour this early then it’s a sure sign that she’s lost interest in YOU not the sex. And if you aren’t doing it for her nothings going to fix that. It’s time to go. Life is so flipping short there’s no use wasting time with people that you aren’t compatible with. Trust me. Wasted half my life doing that. Once I figured that out my life has never been the same. It’s been truly magical. The way you and your partner should feel about each other for the next 20 yrs if she’s right for you. Which this gal surely isn’t. It will suck. It will suck allot. But don’t admit it’s the sex why you left be a man and just say I think we have just grown apart and aren’t as compatible as we once were. Leave it there. Stay classy and 100% move on. Delete and block on all socials then take time to work on yourself and be comfortable alone with yourself for a while and greave this relationship. Then move on. I’m sorry but I think this is the best for this scenario
I’ve lived this my friend, and no matter what I tried, it never got better. And I tried just about everything.
As someone on the other side of this, the one with the low libido and my spouse having the higher libido, I can tell you it sucks over here as well. I go through ups and downs with my libido constantly, and I haven’t been able to determine what it stems from, though partially from past trauma like your partner. You sound like you’ve been very patient and understanding with them all this time but I do agree with others – if you are unhappy, I would move on before you are in too deep.
My partner is not so understanding and patient over the years, as we’ve been married for almost 6. We’ve been in this cycle for a majority of our marriage – sex life is fine and regular, and then I go through a low period and am not into it, he gets mad and starts to ignore me and say there’s nothing wrong until one day, he explodes and lets it all out. I participate out of guilt to fix the problem, and then the cycle starts over. I’m not placing blame but the way he reacts sometimes definitely plays a role in my desire to be intimate.
If you’ve been patient and understanding and tried to communicate openly rather than hiding your feelings and spontaneously reacting with anger towards your partner and there’s not been any attempt to change on their side of things, I think it’s fair to leave the relationship before things take a turn for the worst and you end up where we are. 6 years of marriage, multiple kids, and feeling stuck and unhappy. You deserve to be with someone who can meet your needs – I’ve said the same to my spouse but he chooses to stay. It will be difficult but it’ll be okay with time.
Try an open relationship…you get to have the sex you want while also having the emotional security of a conventional relationship. I never heard people all of a sudden wanting more sex again after years of low libido. Also please get meds for your depression if you haven’t already
She has expressed to you what it takes for her to be in the mood, and you just don’t want to do it because it’s too much effort. Most women need some sort of lead up, some women need more. If this is too much for you, then you need to leave. Just because you don’t understand doesn’t mean she hasn’t told you exactly what needs to happen to make her want more intimacy. I know I’ve told mine countless times and he’s never tried the things I told him, so now the only time it happens is if I initiate it myself, which is way less often than if he were involved, and way less often than when he naturally treated me those ways in the beginning. If a woman has to get herself in the mood with no assistance, AND has to initiate it every time, what’s the point in having an intimate partner?