Last week, a group of 8 of us (4 couples) went to the beach. Most of us had a great time, but my one friend, M, was in a terrible mood the entire week. I need advice on how to talk to her about it. Sorry, it’s really long, but I think the details are important.
It started with her messaging me repeatedly the week before about how it was going to be too cold at the beach. I kept assuring her that while it sucks, we would still make the most of the trip.
We drove in 3 separate cars, and had a group chat to notify each other if we needed to pee, etc. Our friend who planned the trip, C, preferred if we stopped for breaks together, as it’s just more fun that way. At one point, M and her boyfriend, D, decided not to stop with the group and to keep on going, which was no big deal. Because of that, though, they ended up stuck in traffic later on, while our GPS rerouted the rest of us to a quicker route.
M was texting me and C privately, freaking out about the traffic, complaining how she had to pee, and saying she’s bawling her eyes out. I felt bad for her, and C and I tried to be reassuring about her situation. She ended up arriving about 45 min later than the rest of us, and she stormed into the house and straight to her room and didn’t come out for a while. She did send a text to me and C to say she’s sorry but she’s been crying for the last hour so she needed a minute. Again, completely understand.
However, her mood did not really improve the entire week. At every opportunity she went to her room.
She never ate when other people were, and was always irritated and hungry. There was one day that D came out of their room after me, C, and our partners had gotten breakfast, so he walked to a coffee shop to get a muffin for M and coffees for the other 2 who were still in bed. They put their coffee orders in the group chat, which were complicated, and D forgot the muffin. M basically threw a fit, and D offered to go back to get her a muffin, but she said it was too late and almost lunch time (it was about 11 and we were planning to go to a place that C really wanted to try). The whole exchange was really awkward and kind of a tantrum – I think she was hangry. Finally D was like “we’re going to breakfast” and they left. They ended up doing their own thing after that for most of the day.
Then they met up with us later while we were getting henna tattoos, but once again she was really hungry so they left to go find her food.
Another day we played some drinking games designed by another friend on the trip, S. M doesn’t drink, although they offered ways for her to play still (replacing alcohol with ginger ale, her favorite drink). Her not drinking has NEVER been an issue before, by the way. She doesn’t mind being around people who drink and we do not pressure her to drink. She usually participates in some way. This time she chose to sit on the porch, but then she did get hungry, and spent an hour searching on her phone to find the exact meal she wanted. She kept trying to chat about it while we were running around and shotgunning beers and whatever, so I will admit I wasn’t very attentive to what she was saying.
Anyway, she finally got her meal but it wasn’t right (the chicken inside the wrap was cold which she hates). After the drinking games we went to the beach, and the 65 degree temps were much more tolerable after drinking. She tried to stay behind but we talked her into going with us. She was pleasant enough on the beach. There are more examples but I think you get the picture.
We left Friday, and everyone was sending pictures and videos in the group chat and making jokes, etc. M did not participate nor respond to a single group message since we got back. She shared a bunch of memes about being sad to her Instagram story, but hasn’t discussed wtf is going on with anyone (except D, who C and I both asked about it and he said he didn’t want to offer an opinion bc he didn’t want to end up misconstruing info). If I text M privately just to chat she does respond normally.
I’m trying to be braver and more confrontational/ assertive and not let resentment build in my friendships. I need to talk to her about this. C also really wants answers. How do we talk to her about this? Can we do it in a group chat? I want the 3 of us to have this discussion, but I don’t want her to feel like we are ganging up on her. Also, how do I start the conversation? I’ve seen her completely ghost people rather than have a hard conversation, so I am worried about even bringing it up.
TL;DR My friend was in a sour mood for our entire beach trip and I want advice on how to talk to her about it.
11 comments
Ask her WHY she was in a bad mood.
Give her the grace of letting her explain what may have happened to cause this.
I’m curious what your motivation is, here? Is this out of concern for your friend, or because her being in a bad mood wasn’t fun to be around, and you want her to explain herself?
I would just ignore her. Good what a drama queen
Don’t do this in a group chat because it will come off more confrontational/like you and C are ganging up on her. It would likely be best to do this in person but if you need to text I’d say something like another commentor said about how you’re worried about her and ask if something happened.
From your post details it sounds like there are a lot of things it could be – maybe she was frustrated with her boyfriend for separating them from the group for things like driving and meals. Maybe on trips she’s uncomfortable voicing that she is hungry or tired so it often gets worse until she’s “hangry” because she can’t take it amymore. Maybe she got bad news before the trip. Maybe she felt like she wasn’t involved enough in the planning process and wasn’t enjoying the activities. Obviously you’ll have to ask her directly and if she ghosts then tell her you’re there for her and wait for her to reach out.
Sounds like crazy pregnancy hormones. Especially the bawling because she had to pee.
Why not just not invite her? What is the point of confronting her if she is no fun to begin with? Literally near 30 years old and acting like a toddler.
Could she be pregnant?
I think your motivations are a little misplaced. A lot of people when “learning to be more assertive” have a tendency to think *everything* should be confronted.
You don’t want to confront her because you’re worried about her, but because you believe she “ruined” your trip. She didn’t. She ruined her own trip. If she wanted to discuss what was bothering her, she would. If I felt you were concerned about her I would tell you to text her “hey! How are you doing?” Because it’s usually as simple as that.
You’re not her mother and she doesn’t “owe you an explanation” The only control you have is choosing to not invite her on another trip, but this “we demand atonement” is not the way to go about it.
How is her relationship with her boyfriend?
Him leaving to get her breakfast, and coming back with “complicated” coffee orders for other people and forgetting the *muffin* he went for in the first place is a big red flag. If she’s dealing with that kind of situation for everything I’m not surprised she’s losing it.
Who decided to leave the group and drive off ahead?
Who decided they’re not participating in group activities?
Is the boyfriend also like you? Was he also groveling and bending over backwards in humiliation just to please this overgrown baby?
I don’t see the point in asking her about her behavior after the fact. It should have been addressed at the time. If you want to check and see if she’s okay, sure. But asking for explanation at this point is pointless and unnecessary.
If you have a problem with how she behaved, don’t invite her things in the future.