I’m early 20s and a little over one year into my first ever professional job. While I am naturally not a very talkative person and am normally more introverted anyways, it has recently dawned on me that I struggle very badly when speaking to figures who I view as having “authority” over me.
This has led to some self-reflection trying to find out why I do this. I think it is mainly how I was raised (don’t speak unless spoken to, always feeling unsure of what to say out of fear of sounding stupid, etc.) However, I need tips on how to combat this. This issue is making it so hard for me to create relationships with my direct supervisor and those in higher positions at work. I think deep down it is a fear of saying the wrong thing or not “thinking before I speak” which is something that usually holds me back from speaking at all because I find these things hard to do quickly in casual conversations. I’m just really not sure how to improve from here..
7 comments
That’s a really tough question to answer. The people I’ve seen who were naturals at that had strong, positive relationships with their parents and were guided on how to interact with adults from the time they were teens.
I still struggle talking to landlords, bosses or anyone with whom I don’t have a pre-existing relationship. My advice would be to not fixate on your interlocutor as an authority figure or project onto them a parent/child dynamic. Keep the focus on yourself and remind yourself that you’re an adult and you are not submissive to someone because you’re below them on a chain of command.
Remind yourself that you’re an adult, speaking to another adult. If you harbor feelings that you’re a child, they will take advantage of you like they are a parent.
Edit: Grammar and clarity
I would advice you to say what you think is right. You cannot control thoughts of other people – no need to fixate on what they think about you. Over time, you will understand “your place”.
Also, try not to mumble or use trash words, formulate the essence clearly. You might have noticed how the management is talking – short and to the point. I call this “director” language and
I think this is a thing worth striving for.
By putting your middle finger in their face as you speak to them. That has always worked for me
I honestly haven’t figured it out much and am not good at it (especially since I still het stressed and freeze a bit with people who have power), but since I struggle enough with normal interactions and can’t really handle another layer in my current state, I tend to just treat them mostly the same (or try to). They’re also just someone who is trying to do their job, so I try to treat them as such. I haven’t really had many issues with that, but I also have limited experience. I don’t really care about people who have a power trip and care about all that, but most people obviously don’t have that luxury and I haven’t been in a situation where I have to care. The problem is that I sometimes do that to a fault lol.
Need to deprogram some of that mindset.
I’ve been advising my younger siblings that just because someone wears a uniform or a suit and tie doesn’t make them smarter or a better person than you (necessarily).
Remember, Hitler wore a uniform. It’s all mindsets.
Just remind yourself that they shit, fart,…. just like you do, they are humans too.
There are two sides to improving social skill: 1) the behaviors you can do now 2) the beliefs you internalize over time.
For behaviors, one great books is *Never Split the Difference* – a classic book on negotiation and rapport building, which is key to interacting with authority figures. It’ll help you speak and act with intention and purpose with authority figures. That’ll help with confidence and self-assuredness.
For beliefs, I highly recommend *The Courage to be Disliked* – originally a Japanese book about Alderian psychological theory, with the main objective of eliminating feelings of inferiority and increasing social connectedness.