My best friends wife passed away suddenly. What can I do to help him?

32 comments

1. Everyone is different, but my imprecise plan of approach here would be to just show up so he knows you’re there, you’ll help however you can, which may be pretty limited, and follow his lead for how he wants to grieve. You don’t need words and he’s not in need of pithy advice or platitudes. He probably needs arms and shoulders to cry into.

   There is an episode of Smartless (link below; grief piece starts about 59 minutes in) where author Michael Lewis talks about a friend who showed up after his daughter died in a car accident. It’s been a while so I don’t fully remember but Lewis talked about how much it impacted him that his friend had basically slept outside of his house in his car so that he’d be there as soon as they woke up the next day.

   [https://open.spotify.com/episode/6LlToOY8EBcs3VZ96QNyRQ?si=2fa15c5d5a1c45cd](https://open.spotify.com/episode/6LlToOY8EBcs3VZ96QNyRQ?si=2fa15c5d5a1c45cd)

   I think about it a little like this…when whatever strength you have is needed just to make it through the day it’s helpful to know that people who love you will show up and lend as much of their strength to you as they possibly can.

2. The thing about tragedy is the daily bullshit doesn’t stop. Someone still has to do the dishes and laundry. Someone still has to make dinner. The kids, depending how young they are, might still need someone to play Lego with them. I only have one kid and shudder at the thought of caring for three… let alone in the immediate aftermath of losing my spouse.

   Is there any way you could take over for some of these? Show up and do laundry. Prepare meals. Take the kids out to the park or mall. Wash dishes.

   If he doesn’t need help with those, just be there to listen.

3. This man’s grief will be beyond your comprehension. Day time will be okay eventually, but night time will be awful.

4. I’m would say take the kids for two hours. If you’re a parent too this will be easy, if not, well suck it up for your friend. This will give him a little time to process his grief. Doing this a few times would help him greatly, even if he doesn’t ask for it.

   I’ve known men that bury their grief to take care of the kids. It’s years before they grieve properly and it breaks them.

5. Help with the kids if you can or provide dinners. Keep being the friend that you are. Half the guys on Reddit needs a friend like you.

6. Be there for your friend. Offer assistance with anything he may need. Have him join a widowers grief group. Offer to watch or help with the little ones like picking them up or dropping them off when he cant. Death is hard and awkward but never be afraid to talk or ask about it

7. 1. Fill their fridge with tupperware full of home cooked food.
   2. Offer to babysit, or just go over and hang out. No need to talk, you’re happy to watch tv with them, help make dinner to the kids. Just be there, if you can. Give your friend a minute to fall apart and grieve and not have to worry about looking strong in front of the kids.
   3. Offer to help his parents to get to his place (if they have a good relationship). Pickup from the airport, driving them over, whatever.

8. A simple “I’m sorry.” Followed by “I’m here if you need me.” These two phrases will go a long way. If he needs you, let him need you, but when HE is ready to reach out.

9. There are a lot of good ideas, in here. You know your friend best, just remember to think of their needs vs what you want to do for them.

   My add-in is to think of the big picture.

   I hope you’re for him now; but also in 6 months. The first anniversary of her death, in several years when the kids are getting older and he is struggling. When he’s trying to figure out his next step in life somewhere down the road, be there for him. Hell, on a random weekend towards the holidays, be there.

   Losing a loved one is hard, and it’s forever. Most friends move on, get frustrated, or just can’t be there later on. But the pain and struggles will be there for him and his kids. Waiting to hit him at a senior random moment. Having a friend who’s just there in the long haul… It’s beyond measure.

10. Don’t just be like “Call if you need anything!” And leave it at that.

    Offer to pick up his kids from school. Make dinner for them. Bring over a six pack of beer and just sit out on the driveway and talk.

    Everybody is different and processes things different. Do the things you know your friend will appreciate and will bring him joy.

11. Great advice here, so I concur.

    In addition, he may go radio silent for a bit while grieving so don’t take that personally – but instead send, “Hey thinking of you and the kids, man. No response needed.” messages periodically.

12. Thing is, if your friend is like many men, asking for help is not something he knows how to do. We have been taught our whole lives that we need to be strong and sacrifice for others, but never how to say that we are drowning and need help.

    Watching his kids for a while, tidying up the house, mowing the lawn, are all good things to offer to do. If you’re a good cook, food is an option. If you’re not, well… Life goes on and helping him and the kids transition to what life will be now is all anyone can do.

    Heck, offer to watch the kids so he can talk to a therapist.

13. As someone who has dealt with this kind of tragedy, the best thing you can do is take over household chores that are falling behind. Things that will seem small but greatly appreciated by your buddy.

    There’s a lot that goes on the first few months after a death and one of the biggest ones is going through the finances of the deceased, which usually involves going through mail and documents. Which can lead to some very unsettling discoveries of the deceased misdeeds.

    Be prepared for your buddy to suddenly be angry or pissed off at his dead wife. Some kind of betrayal with little context and no way to truly find out why. Not to say you should walk on eggshells but a sudden outburst of anger can be normal. Quietly take the kids out for ice cream or to a park so he can vent in his own way then come back a few hours later and be open to discuss.

    Also, if you are helping to clean up, do not throw out any documents, regardless how small they are. Create a pile of those documents and out them in a spot that is away from the kids but where he can easily see them.

14. I’m quite young to be lurking on this sub but some things my dad told me when my best friend’s family member passed away suddenly was:
    1. Listen to your friend. Whatever he has to say. If you want, you can reminisce the good times you all had. Offer to hangout with him as much as time permits you to. He will need that company.
    2. Provide support in any form that you can. Get your friend food, do the dishes, take the kids, etc.
    3. If he needs time to grieve, just be there and offer support. People grieve in different ways and unfortunately NOBODY teaches us about how to deal with loss.

    I don’t know how much this will be helpful but you’re a very good friend already.

15. One thing I didn’t see mentioned is also take care of yourself. I’m assuming here that you were friends with the dearly departed as well as your long time friend.

    One thing that greatly helped my group in the aftermath of a similar situation was just being together. You don’t need to plan outings or clean the house or cook the meals (although doing those things obviously helps). The biggest aid is just being present. Enjoy each other. Grieve together (often just the silent presence of someone who you know cares for you and is sitting near you is enough to not feel so alone and helps is sharing the load).

16. I’d just spend as much time as you can to help him.
    If he’s not doing therapy encourage him to do so. If he can’t afford it have him look into NAMI.

    Remind him that he’s extraordinarily lucky to have 3 young kids.

    One other thing I’d do: If the wife passed away from any kind of cardiovascular/heart issue, make SURE the kids are tested immediately. Things like familial hypercholesterolemia (very high cholesterol) can start ravaging even young kids early but we have great treatments for it, and it is very genetic.

17. Where I live when someone loses a spouse all the other parents (known or not) set up a meal train and offer to do laundry, take the kids out, do actual things to help the widower and the kids. It’s pretty easy if everyone helps out and shows the grieving family that they still have a community.

18. When this happened to a friend, I just asked him to talk to me and I wouldn’t judge. We’d have long conversations where I said very little. We’d have text conversations too.

    It was tough to hear a man so deeply ripped apart, and the main thing I refused to let him dwell upon was suicide. I just made time for every call and made time to call him if I thought he hadn’t called soon enough.

    Face it, we, as men, are used to facing our terrible times alone. This is one of those times it can really help to have a shoulder to cry on, a guy that’s trusted to never expose his emotional pain to others, a guy who is just there.

19. Say nothing be present. Showing up is the best help.

20. Be there.

21. Hold him. For real. Next time you see him, walk up to him and give him a hug. Keep holding the hug until it’s uncomfortable. Then keep holding a little longer. If he cries, comfort him. Say ‘I got you.’ and ‘you are not alone’.

    Also, someone else mentioned to keep reaching out through text. This is a perfect answer. Don’t expect your friend to respond. Just let them know you’re there don’t get angry or feel slighted when they don’t respond. Let them know it’s OK to not respond. Sometimes send something funny. Other times something more supportive. Never say anything about ‘time making it better’, ‘you will be ok’, ‘she’s in a better place’, etc. avoid all the platitudes and just be real.

22. Start or join a meal train.

23. Be there for him, but more especially in the upcoming weeks. When the days slow down and his healing begins. He’s got a lot to process right now. Be there for him after the commotion, after it really hits him. He’s gonna need someone then more especially.

24. People tend to stay away to let the family grieve. That’s exactly what he isn’t going to need. He’s going to need emotional support to help him grieve. The kids too. He’s the only caretaker now so bringing food over a couple times a week so he doesn’t have to cook is huge. Invite him and the kids over so he doesn’t have to cook or clean up is huge. If you can, take the kids for a day so he can get time to grieve, chill, just get hold of himself. Be there to listen. Help him clean if needed. Mow the lawn, etc.

    Arrange a schedule with a group of friends so it doesn’t fall only on you but everyone pitches in so it’s not a huge burden on just you. Summer is going to be tough with kids out of school. So working to help will be huge.

25. I’m so sorry to hear about your friend’s loss. The death of a spouse can be one of the most devastating experiences anyone can face. Here are some ways you can be there for your friend during this difficult time:

    1. **Be Present**: Often, people are not sure what to say when someone loses a loved one, and this can result in them avoiding the bereaved. Your friend will need your presence now more than ever, even if you don’t always know the right thing to say. It’s okay to say “I don’t know what to say, but I’m here for you.”

    2. **Listen**: Encourage your friend to talk about his feelings, but don’t press if he’s not ready. Just let him know that you’re there to listen when he needs it. Be patient, understanding, and nonjudgmental.

    3. **Help with Practical Matters**: There may be many practical issues your friend has to deal with now, like funeral arrangements, legal matters, or just daily chores. Offering your help, even with seemingly minor tasks like cooking a meal, doing the laundry, or taking care of his children for a few hours, can make a big difference.

    4. **Support His Children**: Your friend’s children are also grieving and may need support. If you are close to them, offering to spend time with them can be a big help. It may also provide your friend with some much-needed respite.

    5. **Encourage Professional Help**: If your friend is struggling to cope, suggest he seeks professional help. A therapist or grief counselor can provide guidance during this difficult time.

    6. **Check-In Regularly**: Don’t just be there for the initial phase after the death. Grief can last a long time, and your friend will continue to need support in the weeks, months, and even years ahead. Regularly check in, offer your assistance, and let him know you’re thinking of him.

    7. **Remember Important Dates**: Birthdays, anniversaries, and holidays can be particularly tough. Mark these dates in your calendar and make a point to reach out to your friend. A simple message can mean a lot.

    Finally, remember that everyone grieves differently and at their own pace. Be patient and understanding, and don’t try to rush your friend’s grief process.

26. The hardest part of losing your spouse is EVERYTHING around you reminds you of your spouse. Every little thing reminds you of your spouse, even the kids, he’s faced with seeing her everywhere & her not being there. It’s wrenching. On top of that he’s got the kids who need him. He gets almost no time to process or decompress. He needs help and hugs and understanding. If he lashes out in frustration, he doesn’t mean it, ignore it or better yet say, “I’m here man”. He needs help with the kids as well as time to grieve. Ask him what he needs. If he doesn’t know ask him what HE needs, his probably thinking about the kids. If you have kids recruit your kids to help. His kids need distractions too. Get him some alone time. Get him to talk to someone, a good friend or a counselor. Take the kids while he talks to them. Have them all over once a week for time away from the house that holds all the memories. Keep doing things to help week after week until they start begging off. Be there they all need you .

27. Offer domestic help. Meal prep for him and his girls. If you’re comfortable looking after kids, look after the kids. What sort of practical assistance would be useful? Show up with a lawnmower.

    People think about funerals and grieving and so on, but forget about the vast amount of mundane work that is needed done just to make the space for the more dramatic parts of the process.

28. Pay for a weekly cleaner for a few months if you can. Send over good hearty meals that he can freeze and use the leftovers. When someone passes away many people don’t want to do anything but cry. Helping them with the basics is a start.

29. Grocery store runs. If he’s not responsive, just pick up some essentials (detergent, shampoo, kid stuff, groceries) and leave them at his doorstep. Grief looks different for everyone. He may not be as communicative but I 100% guarantee he will remember your acts of kindness.

30. Be there after the first month of sympathy, casseroles and when everyone else has moved on to the next shiny thing.

31. Don’t ask, just do stuff.

    Grab your mower and mow his lawn. When my wife was young, her father died, suddenly from a heart attack. That weekend, a family friend just showed ump out of nowhere with his mower and mowed the lawn. Came back every week to get mow. He went from friend too family with that one thing.

    Take over some home cooked meals for his family. Go visit and just do the laundry for him. Lift some of the load.

    Be there for him.

32. If you’re up to it, get over to r/daddit and throw your hat in the ring. And be there to listen. And for fuck sake, never say you understand, or you’ve been there, or it’s God’s will, or any of those empty platitudes. Unless you do know and have been there.