First time poster here.
TL;DR: My boyfriend forgot our anniversary gift exchange, gave me a last-minute present from his mom, and later revealed an expensive gift he left at home. A hair removal device I don’t want or need that his mom payed for. Should I return it? What should I do?
Sorry if this is too long, i tried to include as much context as possible.
I (F22) and my boyfriend (M24) have recently celebrated our 2 and a half year anniversary. Except it wasn’t that much of a joyous celebration after all.
From the beginning of our relationship we have decided (explicitly communicated) to get gifts for each other on our yearly, and half yearly anniversaries as to not make each other embarassed or feel bad if we don’t have a present.
Now cut off the day of the anniversary, we decided on going to a museum in another city, and since we live in different locations, he was supposed to get on my train a few stops further. But that didn’t happen, because he was late. Already starting on the wrong foot, as you can tell. In waiting at the station for the next train he hands me exactly 6 little candies. (I guessed that was a way to apologize that he was late again?) After which he also hands me a little phone stand his mom got me from her business trip. (important detail)
The date at the museum was pretty uneventful. He was very excited to open the presents I got him, because i had a bag with 3 nicely wrapped presents i had gotten him 2 months in advance and which i knew he would love. While leaving the exposition, we stopped by the souvenir shop and he was looking at some books and looking them up online (sneakily? but not really). When asked what he was doing he admitted in wanting to buy me one of those books as a present but although i appreciated the gesture i talked him out of it (because i didn’t really care for them).
After all that, we sat on a bench in a park and he just couldn’t wait to open the presents. All was well, he was happy and afterwards…silece. He didin’t have anything for me, but he also didn’t say anything about it. No apology, not even acknowledging the fact that he didn’t get me anything.
Well, i didn’t wantt to spoil the day, so i put on my best act and suggested we go eat at our favourite restaurant. I didn’t want to come over as someone who’s materialistic, because i believe that i am not. But to be quite honest i was just heart broken, because last year too, on our anniversary, i handed him a present and he gave me nothing. Not even something symbolic, not even some flowers (which he knows i love).
So anyway, i’m not good at lying or putting on an act but i really didn’t want to make a scene in public, because i knew i would start crying if i had to explain. But he kept asking what was wrong, even though i said i didn’t want to talk about it at that moment and at some point i just broke down at the restaurant because he didn’t even want to get me my favorite food. (Yes, yes i’m also a fool for not speaking up for myself, but i just wanted it to be over.) So i broke down in the restaurant and i think he got the point, that it was not the right moment.
Nor was it the moment when we were waiting for the train home, but i digress. The conversation resumed and i admitted being upset that he didn’t get me anything to which he replied that he did. The little sweets and the phone stand HIS MOM got for me. I didn’t even realise those were supposed to be anniversary presents since he just handed them to me and they weren’t even wrapped or anything. But yeah, he bassiclly called me ungrateful afterwards and just left me crying.
After 20 minutes or so he admitted having actually bought me a present, but he just didn’t want to “spoil the surprise” and that it was too expensive to bring along on our date. He also added that he AND HIS MOM put money together to get it for me….which did not make me feel any better. The special day was spoiled, my heart broken and now i’m also an ungrateful brat.
But also, why does your mom have to buy me a present for OUR anniversary, it just sounds like she a part of our relationship. Not that i have anything against her, i just feel like this special moment should have been shared between us but now you also have to bring her into this???
But okay, about the present. About a week later he gave it to me. But honestly, because of that experience, the present was already spoiled for me.
He basically got me a hair removal device, which i know must have been indeed pretty expensive. But the thing is, i didn’t want one, or needed one since i recently bought myself a really nice epilator that does the job for me. I tried using it once, but it’s just a bit of a hassle and i’m also reminded of this shitty memory every time i lay eyes on it. Also it makes me feel weird that his mom knows about my hairy girl business…
So would it be insensitive to return the gift to my boyfriend? (since i don’t know where he got it) What else should i do instead?
4 comments
Did you already try using his present? If yes then it may not be possible to return it. Either way it is an odd present unless it was something you had been asking for, which it sounds like you weren’t.
Are you sure he isn’t lying?
These are all weird gifts for him and his mom to go together on. It sounds like he grabbed whatever was acceptable to him, to give back to you.
I doubt the first gift a mom would buy for her sons girlfriend is a hair removal device. It sounds like one of those things that you buy/can’t return, or regifting what others give you.
I don’t know if it’s worth returning it if you already used it (I wouldn’t think you could get money back at that point, so unless you think his mom would want to use it what’s the point?)
Returning the gift seems to be besides the point, the issue is that you asked him to do a nice thing for you, a thing he himself enjoys, and he wouldn’t do it. That feels selfish and shitty, and communicates that he doesn’t care about your feelings.
I’d either suggest you both stop getting each other presents and do activities or something instead on your anniversary, if he really can’t be bothered to buy a present (though I guess, what is the chance he’d be willing to plan an activity, either) … Or, if gifts were a really important love language to me, I’d probably just move on from this guy. Him insisting you were ungrateful for his gift of a handful of candy and a free phone case his mom didn’t want when you gave thoughtful gifts is defensive and a bad sign.
Edit: i misremembered a detail
What you should do instead is leave your boyfriend. He’s lazy and makes no effort. He’s fine accepting other people’s effort without reciprocation. When you’re upset, he gaslights you instead of taking responsibility. This is not a good guy. This a pathetic lazy jerk who will always try to get you to lower your bar and make you question if your reasonable expectations are too much
You want a guy who will look at the bar and say “yeah that’s way too low” and blow your expectations out of the water. And this guy is never going to be that guy.