My (f39) 20 year long crush on my friend (m41) is fun or futile?

I (F39) met my friend (m41) at university 20 years ago and the fact I still remember what he was wearing, i definitely had it bad for him right away. We never talked in class but ran into each other at the market one evening, where he later pulled up at the bus stop, pushed open the passenger side door, and told me to get in. Core memory. We became friends, and spent some time chatting and hanging out. Shopping, eating, chatting, usual stuff I can’t even really remember the details it’s been so long. I found out from a mutual friend he had a gf. And then later on, I had a boyfriend, but we would always chat and laugh and spend time together in our early 20s. He moved away for work, and we still kept in touch, he would tell me the girl he’s dating reminds him of me, and would always ask me to visit him, sometimes he would say he missed me and asked when I was visiting, in 3 countries he has asked and I regret never visiting as he’s lived in some cool places. Several times he was back home, he would try to see me, but I had also moved away. In 2013 I emailed him to say I had a dream about him, and he responded that, he thinks I’m in love with him but I just don’t know it yet. And I took this as my chance to say, I am love with him, I suppose in a joking way and asked what he was up to. And he responded that it sounds like I’m joking, but he hopes he’s wrong and I’m not. And then we proceed to catch up a bit, he was building his company, and I tell him that I thought he knew Ive been in love with him since day 1, To which he does not respond! So I tell him I’ve changed my mind, and if I were in love with him I would be sorely pissed. To which he does respond that he’s just going to have to cancel all the plans he’s made, goodbye hotel and driver and private jet. I said I wish I were visiting so I could punch him in the face and he said, me too, too bad. So I just thought, jerk!!!!!!

Over the years we still keep in touch here and there, he will like my posts, I will comment on all of his. In 2021 I designed this self portrait thing he said he loved and wanted to buy, I said I can just send it to him, and he said maybe I can post it to his parents, but that I should visit him when Covid was over and I said if I visited, would he show me around. And then no response! Last week I saw that I missed his message on IG saying he was in town, but it was from a month ago, and he was asking me to go for coffee. I def felt gutted over the whole missed connection. I told him I was sorry I missed his msg, and that I’ve moved to another city, and he should visit me. He said he would love to, and if I would show him around, maybe later this year or next. We chatted a bit, and some reason, I got in my feelings to tell him how much I would love to see him again. That I can’t really remember too much of what we did together, it’s bits of pieces in my memory, but it’s warm feelings. Meeting him in uni was such a special time and I really appreciate having met him. I haven’t been thinking of him for 20 years (I said that Cus I don’t want to sound like I’m insane!) but when I saw his msg, I was really excited, and then sad I missed a chance to see him. No response!

A long time ago, I asked him why nothing ever happened between us, he said he wouldn’t be a good bf, and his main focus is building his company and he prob won’t get serious til his 40s so I shouldn’t wait for him. He’s very successful now, and has been working non stop, and I guess this recent missed meeting has me revisiting these feelings. I obviously like him as a person, I can’t understand why he would double down on joking that I was in love with him, it seems he wants to see me again, but it’s never a solid plan.

Part of me feels that because we’re not good friends anymore, he’s living in that fantasy realm because we don’t chat enough for him to annoy me with something. Or also, he’s my only male friend that I like and also find attractive, so it’s an unfinished dynamic. I feel a bit foolish, or human, but only for a second because at this point I know if I ever were to scare away a person by being myself, it’s not meant to be in any form of friendship or relationship. I feel culturally we are different, maybe that we never got to explore something in our youth, it puts it in a “what if” state? I know after some time I will be fine, but everytime I connect with him, I go down memory lane. I’m a very sentimental person, and maybe he isn’t, so I’m taking it way more seriously, can anyone relate to what I’m feeling?