My wife and I have 2 kids (2 and 5) and have been married for 9 years.
I’m a very physical person, always have been. And when we first started dating she always reciprocated. Hugging, kissing, hand holding, sex, etc.
When our first was born we went from having sex about 1-2 weekly to about every other week, after a 7 month break post-partum, of course (for her health). As time as gone by, this has dwindled to about 1x a month, however she also has asked me to sleep in another room (the couch) and we don’t kiss or hug but maybe 1x every week or 2.
We have discussed this issue many times over the years. My wife says my “love language” is physical touch and hers isn’t. She said that if it was up to her she would never have sex again.
I will often ask her and get denied, no problem there, but she will also get mad at me for asking. I recently told her I think I’d be less “in the mood” for our “monthly” if we would physically touch otherwise, but she said nothing. She later said sex isn’t everything in a relationship, which I do agree with broadly.
A few other pieces of misc info: she is very germaphobic and has bad OCD. I think that plays a huge part, but she’s made strides in other areas in the last year with therapy. I asked her if she’d do couples therapy and she was not willing.
Also, when we have sex, I try my hardest to make it enjoyable for her. I always give her head first and massage her after.
Is therapy the best option or is there another path to help us reconcile this difference?
30 comments
Why wasn’t it a problem before children, marriage and dating?
Did you know then?
honestly without physical touch and sex aren’t you just roommates/best friends with kids?
Well it sounds like you have a dead bedroom. You can:
1. Cope. As you’re doing now. But get used to porn and your hand.
2. Try to fix it. This won’t happen is she never wants to be touched again. Only two partners can fix this. You have to meet in the middle.
3. Cheat. Self explanatory. But it just a slow route to divorce. Unless she green lights you.
4. Divorce. Yes it will suck. But so will 30 years of hating yourself because you have a sex drive.
I was in a DB for 10 years. It screwed me up mentally and that has persisted. I will never be the happy loving person I was when it began.
Is there a possibility she has depression? I was kind of the same way until I got diagnosed and medicated
Lay it all out for her. Tell her you’re unhappy, continue to ask for counseling to find common ground. Sounds like you still love her but if you’re not fulfilled, your relationship will continue to dwindle. You both deserve to be happy. I don’t want to recommend divorce, only you know what’s right for you. If she doesn’t want to acknowledge or work on this with you, you’ll need to decide if the relationship is worth staying in as is. You set the example for your kids, make sure they’re not witnessing daily relationship misery and resentment.
I’d like to ask who does the majority of housework and childcare? Who does the majority of cooking and who does the emotional family labour? Because if she’s doing everything for you then she’s going to view you as another kid and let’s be honest sex is going to be off the table then.
When we’re in a sexually monogamous relationship, we have an obligation to help meet our partner’s sexual needs, within reason. You don’t just get to say, “We’re married, and you’re never going to have sex again.” She’s clearly not interested in having sex and not interested in improving your relationship dynamic by trying couples counseling. If you have a need for physical touch and sex—like most human beings do—then I would brooch the topic of ethical non-monogamy with her.
She’s probably touched out. 2 kids 5 and under. They are needy and they are touchy. Talk to her. It’s pretty common when kids enter the picture. The main caretaker gets burned out and just gets sick of being constantly touched and needed by her kids. Idk. Could be something totally different too. Might want to look into couples counseling
I think her brain has identified you as a threat for some reason. Threat responses for the brain are fight, flight, freeze, fawn. Think her brain is in freeze mode and seeing threats everywhere- hence the germophobia and ocd. Could be the germs she’s seeing on you now. Could be new she being a mum she wants to keep her kids safe and her brain is telling her threats are everywhere. Definitely therapy. She’s not treating you fairly, for the sake of your kids and marriage she should be willing to do it.
She doesn’t understand that the relationship will end because of this.
It’s you love language and if it’s not being met – it’s a huge problem
It seems you’re looking for constructive problem solving here and open to doing the work to fix things. That’s half the battle and keeping that mindset is important because this is can be very defeating and it will be hard. So without knowing the intimate details of your lives id like to give some advice as to what worked in my relationship. These are in no way assumptions on your character as again I don’t know the true details but here goes.
1. Others have stated but I will again as it was the primary source of “dead bedroom” in my relationship. It was the sharing of responsibilities. Things were split pretty evenly but in reality sometimes 50/50 still leaves one feeling more stressed than the other. What was important is how much the other could handle some days you just can’t and other days you can and pick up the slack for the partner that can. It’s so attractive to have ur partner just realize and take something over if they notice you’re overwhelmed. It’s not attractive to stick to some “chore chart” just because it’s “fair”. It feels like work and one more thing to manage. Try and have reasonable and honest conversations about the splitting of things and if you can maybe even do some of the leg work of figuring out what you could do to alleviate stress. I know it seems unfair but sometimes the other person needs a bit of mental rest for a while. It’s not forever once they feel better the should begin to reciprocate the same energy.
2. We stopped “courting” each other so to speak. I didn’t feel chased or special anymore and that is really important to feel especially after having children. Your body is different and you just don’t have time to do the things that make you feel beautiful. I would suggest doing little date things and try to make her feel wanted not just for sex but as your special person. Let her know again the things you love about her, the things you still find amazing. Just throw out a few “wow you look beautiful today” and stare lovingly. Don’t make it sexual as then she will feel it is not genuine and is just an attempt to get sex. Just remind her that you want her and find her beautiful with no strings attached. Show her you want her and will do things to gain her affection but that it’s her choice whether she reciprocates it or not.
3. Couples therapy is always good if you are willing to be open minded and give it a good effort. There are many things we learned which were so helpful in bettering how we communicated and understood each other. It went a longgg way towards establishing a new connection.
4. This one may be weird but it helped ignite a new spark in an otherwise dead bedroom. Perhaps try and do some new things romantically. Initiate things in a completely different way. Forge a new sexual path with your partner as sometimes the old and comfortable route starts to feel a bit boring and like a chore. Maybe even try some kinky things and of course always discuss them with ur partner beforehand but be open to new discoveries with them. It really can be surprising and beautiful to discover new parts of each other.
Best of luck
>We have discussed this issue many times over the years. My wife says my “love language” is physical touch and hers isn’t. She said that if it was up to her she would never have sex again.
I will often ask her and get denied, no problem there, but she will also get mad at me for asking.
>I asked her if she’d do couples therapy and she was not willing.
Man sex IS a really huge part of a relationship. You guys appear to be VERY incompatible, and you are the only one that have conceded so far. She isn’t even trying to meet you halfway. You can’t change a person that isn’t interested in changing.At this point you only have one choice, and that is to stay in a sexless marriage for the rest of your life, or get an amigable divorce, learn to co-parent, and look for a person more compatible with you.
I was in that position after my second child was born, we were having intimacy maybe once a month. It went on like that for more than 6 months. I started to feel so undesired, so unwanted, that one day I sat her down and told her that I wanted a separation. I explained how I see sex as the deepest connection a couple can have, and it is what makes me feel special, and since we’re not having it, I stopped feeling special. We cried and she decided she wanted to work on our relationship. She started trying to have sex more often, to initiate more, to show me more affection, to give me little hugs and caress me around the house, and that in turn made me feel loved and desired again, which also made our love making even better. Now we’re better than ever, but it was all because she was willing to work it out. Your wife isn’t
Hi. As of my experience, I had a partner who claimed that they wouldn’t have sex anymore with but to which I later found out she was having sex with someone else. It could be that she might be cheating or if she isn’t having sex with you, she might not love you anymore. You can still walk away whether you’re still in love with her. Regards.
I assume that it’s your duty to go to work every day and to be a responsible person. what if you decided you no longer wanted to go to work anymore. That it wasn’t your “love language“.
I don’t think she would appreciate that.
She needs to understand that this is not some desire like getting Italian takeout or going to Disneyland.
This is a vital part of your relationship.
Therapy for her, couples counselling for you both.
If that doesn’t work, then divorce is the inevitable outcome, because she has made a unilateral decision for your relationship, and you will resent her for it (and possibly regret marrying her in the first place) if it goes on for too long.
“She said that if it was up to her she would never have sex again.” It is up to her is she ever has sex again…but you can still have a healthy sex life with other women as you did not sign up for a sexless marriage.
Job done, everyones happy right?
Couples may vary in terms of sex drive, but writing off hugs as not your love language isn’t acceptable, imho. Humans have a very valid need for physical affection. I’d say counseling is in order, pronto. Could be any number of things that are, of course, beyond my scope as a mere Redditor; but this isn’t normal, nor should it be considered healthy.
Is she affectionate with the kids? I grew up with a father who suffered from severe depression and some other—stuff, and was therefore very checked out (except for the occasional explosive rage). My mom was a co-dependent wreck because of it. However, thank God she was and is at least a very physically affectionate mom and person. It matters very much.
Best to you.
You can’t fix your marriage if one party refuses to participate. I would just be brutally honest with her about your needs and what her real issues are and how to address them. But I foresee your marriage ending because you give and she doesn’t. Maybe she needs to get an outside job and put the kids in daycare.
sounds like she might just be so overstimulated by her kids? if the younger one is constantly touching her and being aorund her, especially if she’s a stay-at-home parent, perhaps she is just so sick if being touched already, she just needs time to recharge and be alone?
time for a long conversation and a reconsideration of her lifestyle, she’s possibly depressed.
About the “sex is not the most important thing in a relationship”
Ask her is toilet is the most important room in a house. Then ask if she would buy a house without it.
As an extremely touchy person engaged to a very not-touchy possibly autistic person: the first thing that needs to happen here is for the two of you to anknowledge this as a problem. Her aversion to touch and sex is just as valid as your need for touch and sex. But right now, she’s saying that sex and touch isn’t everything, while you’re growing frustrated blindly hoping she’ll change her mind.
If she has OCD and germaphobia, it sounds like she’s basically relapsed during the last few years. I’d strongly suggest she tries therapy individually and that the two of you as a couple try some form of counselling as well. And then, if absolutely nothing changes – yeah, then you break up. It’s not fair to either one of you to be stuck in a relationship where you’re fundamentally incompatible.
But my biggest point here is this: I don’t touch my fiance when she doesn’t want me to, but she acknowledges I need more touch than her and I get an acceptable amount of hugs and kisses and cuddles. I learnt to accept that she doesn’t want to be hugged often, but loves getting her back scratched, so now I scratch her back when I get the urge to hug her. It was an adjustment for both of us, but it’s absolutely something it can be worked through, provided everyone’s needs are taken into account.
personally i would’ve gotten mad if i got told to sleep on the couch because of her personal issues, not sure how that isn’t getting mentioned
What’s the point in being in a relationship without intimacy? She won’t even do couples counseling. Break up and move on. You can still be a great father to your children after a divorce.
This is not a workable situation and your wife really needs to compromise a bit more.
However please do realize that you have 2 very young kids and she went through about 5 years non stop where her body isn’t hers anymore and someone is always touching her. She simply is touched out. It is hard to never have a bit of privacy even in your own body.
If she is still loving towards you and expressed love and care towards you in whatever her love language is (you didn’t specify hers) there absolutely is hope if you can hold on until the youngest stops physically needing her so much and she has more room mentally to be physically with you
This should help you understand what your wife is feeling https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/remaking-motherhood/202109/when-moms-get-touched-out
Either she’s fallen out of love, or she’s suffering post partum complications (e.g. depression). If it was just touch, that would be one thing – but the fact she won’t even go to couple’s counseling, when you’ve made it clear your relationship is being negatively impacted, says a *lot*. You’ve told her something is wrong, and her answer was essentially “I am not interested in fixing it”. That’s worrying.
You’re gonna have to decide if this is something you can live with – because I’ll be honest, it may not be something she’s *willing* to change. I’m guessing the answer’s no, you can’t. In which case you may need to actually say “If this relationship is going to continue, couples’ counseling is non-negotiable. I am not happy. I am not fine, with the way things are. Something is going to change, one way or another, because I can’t live like this. Either our relationship will get the help it needs, or it will end.”
You mentioned that she knows your love language, what’s hers?
I think everyone has some solid speculation going in this thread but I just wanna say OP, the thing where she’s not willing to get couples counseling is a deal-breaker for me. Saying no to that is as good as giving up, and you don’t deserve to be stuck in a relationship where the other person has given up. I don’t want to recommend divorce bc I don’t know you or your wife personally, but that part of your post is very telling. Wishing you both the best outcome. ♥️
Could she be unhappy with how her body has changed? And she doesn’t want you to see it?
Checked to see if she has postpartum depression as that can kill a woman’s libido. How is she with the kids?
Is she afraid of becoming pregnant again?
Does she get enough “me time” and rest time? Are you hands on with childcare and chores?
Have you changed physically?
While I wouldn’t blame you if you wanted to walk away, since no one should be pressured into having sex or pressured to stay if you’re not compatible, but you need to explore if this is an issue that can be fixed first.
You mentioned OCD and therapy. Is she taking medication for it? Some of the SSRIs used for OCD can have major sexual side effects.
Maybe she is overstimulated and “touched out” by the kids who probably hang off her and climb on her all the time.
Does she have hobbies? Time out of the house to be an adult and not a climbing frame?
Seriously. If she has OCD and is a germ aphobe she may be becoming touch averse in general.
It might help her to speak to a dr for support. There may be some medication that could help her. Her hormones might be out of whack as well.
Therapy.
This sounds really lonely for you and I do sympathise. I think there is more going on than just she wants to never have sex or touch again. This needs unpicking with support.
Good luck.