I am not sure how to go about this.
For the most part, I’ve been as patient as I could be and she’s expressed gratitude towards it.
My SO has been stressed at work a lot the past 6 months since there have been waves of layoffs. She’s also been suffering from body image issues which apparently affects her libido.
I get that, so I pick up a lot of slack. I cook almost everyday, I do most of the deep cleaning and light cleaning in the house, I do the groceries, I do almost everything without ever complaining to her once.
I massage her after her day at work when she’s stressed, I make time for her every time she needs someone.
I take care of her. But lately the resentment has gotten to a bit of a critical level.
So many things piss me off. She once tried to make me a nice dinner, which I appreciated, but now I hate it when she cooks because she leaves the kitchen a bigger mess so the cleaning I had to do would take longer than if I were to both cook and clean. Also, she has to ask 30 questions on how I want my food done before she actually cooks even if i told her I have no preference and would prefer if she just did it however she wanted, which pisses me off because I just want her to just take care of something without badgering me for once which I’ve expressed a lot.
She loves to complain about her body. I understand. I also understand feeling sexy about ourselves can also influence our libido. I get it. But what I don’t get is her complaining non stop and not even doing anything about it. She literally complains about her body every single day and when I gently suggest she works out she just gets irritated and says “I have no energy” but plays video games all night or doom scrolls on Twitter.
She’d also sometimes tease me sexually all day and then when it’s evening, she’d just fall asleep and act like nothing happened. That’s what pisses me off the most. Like if you’re not in the mood, fine, but don’t give me blue balls every few days and act like I’m weird for being turned on.
If I ever engage, she’d call me desperate or weird for being aroused. I’ve called her out on this and told her please stop if you’re not in the mood or feel like you’ll follow through. We haven’t had sex in a while so I’m frustrated and don’t like this. So she said ok, albeit defensively.
I’m just… I can’t any more. I’m tired. I don’t know what to do.
I understand everyone has insecurities and complains, but it frustrates me when the complaint they’re making is a hole they’re digging themselves in and they don’t do anything about it.
I’m sorry if this isn’t coherent. I’m just extremely frustrated at this point and don’t know what to do.
How do I go about this?
I pay my share of things, I have a job, I don’t mooch off of her at any point.
It just feels like she’s not trying anymore.
31 comments
Why have you not discussed this with her?
For all she knows, you’re happy with the situation.
Use your words. Or show her this post.
It sounds to me as though, aside from psychological issues, she’s dealing with some fundamental medical issues that need addressing. Signs of, but I’m not diagnosing, depression, adha and anxiety are all present. Medical doctor in conjunction with a good counsellor would be the first thing I’d try to facilitate. It’s hard to be the constantly compassionate person, but if she has any or all of these things happening, she’s unable to find her way out alone without a professional to guide her. You’re a peach to keep on keepin on and all of your frustration is valid and understandable. Maybe if you write out the feeling you can feel less stuffed full of them, for a minute. Suggest counselling, and get some yourself
Have you tried telling her your so aroused because of how good she looks. If she has body image issues you should tie your pent up sexual frustration to her body issues which may help her feel better about the way she looks and may lead to her wanting to have sex more. Tell her she’s so hot constantly and that your frustrated with not getting sex because of how good she looks.
I feel you and was just in a similar situation for a year and 1/2. I know Reddit typically will say breakup but I need to inform you, it’s a long response but please hear me out, you and I (30) are too young to sacrifice your entire wellbeing for someone who will not do the same. Ultimately, if someone does not want to work on themselves you can end up sacrificing everything at the cost of your own mental health and well-being.
Things started off wild with high NRE. I was extremely busy working 2 jobs and getting my masters while also moving into a new apt that didn’t have Wi-Fi. Still, we travelled every weekend (both teachers) and took her son with us. She used to come over my place once a month which was 10 minutes from her school so we could have a date night to ourselves. She had a stressful year and almost left teaching and I would talk her though it every night for 3 hours and sometimes when I didn’t “understand” she would hangup on me. I gave her space to process and she would apologize I’m the morning.
Fast forward to this year, I was bartending after work until 10pm while teaching A.P at a high performance school which requires a TON of planning. I would leave the parking lot on fridays and spend the entire weekend with her and her son buying almost every meal and going everywhere. When she cooked I cleaned her apartment and would take her son fishing in addition to building a bunk bed etc etc. she would sexually tease me but would fall asleep at night and request massages 6-8x a day. When I started to become exhausted and made her my entire life sacrificing my job, mental health, financial stability I needed support. She wouldn’t want to hear about my day and when I would hangup from frustration she would call me 3 times in a row and berate me for being immature. I ended paying for 5 couples therapy sessions. I am in therapy, lost weight, worked up (somehow found time) and quit drinking completely. She gained 40 pounds, complained about her body constantly, I reassured her I was madly in love with her and wanted her. She had unresolved trauma from past relationships and was barely in therapy, completely dismissed psychiatry and spent her time scrolling instagram for hours while I basically parented her son on our weekends. I finally ended it and it’s been very hard. She has made a point to lose weight, love herself, go to therapy and called me 2 weeks after breakup saying how high her libido is and how “hot” she is now. She posts constantly and when I blocked her she called me berating me about how I should be “happy for her since that’s what people want in friends.” In the end, if someone doesn’t want to help themselves you can not do it for them. I know it’s not the same but please do not sacrifice your mental health in the hopes things will improve. People have to want improvement and although it will be hard, you will find someone.
Has your SO tried therapy? It seems like a lot of her stresses (work, body image) may be taken out on you instead in a more healthy coping mechanism. Therapy is great for working through things like this to develop better ways to handle stress. It can take a bit to find the right therapist and you all may want to consider couples counseling
This is a serious question: what are you actually getting out of this relationship? How is this relationship making your life a happier and healthier one to be in?
Tell her you’re exhausted and really think she should go to therapy or something has to change. But let her know exactly how frustrated you are or she’ll brush over it
Unlike the usual Reddit response, I don’t find this an instant break up, unless that’s really what you want.
I (F34) went through this with my husband (M31). He was very depressed and just couldn’t do anything. He had anger issues (towards himself to the point where I would call it selfharm) on top of it and it was REALLY REALLY tough. Our sex life grinded to a halt. It wasn’t an issue for me since I’m greysexual but I ccan imagine this would be hard on a common relationship.
After months and months and months (maybe years) of asking him to please see a therapist he did. He had gotten to the point of being suicidal but realized be didn’t want that.
He got therapy and antidepressants and is his old self again, even happier.
It was really hard and I really understand that not everyone wants this or has the capabilities of sitting this out. But we’re together 8 years this year and we’re still very happy.
I wish strength to both you and your GF.
You need to discuss this with her. There’s a lot of resentment here and complaining about all these things – which can absolutely be changed – won’t do any good. If you are able to have this discussion with her yourself, do it immediately. Otherwise, get a couples therapist and do it in their office.
None of this is breakup worthy necessarily – but it will be if you a) don’t communicate with her how you are feeling, and b) if she doesn’t take any steps to change it.
This is on you both. You need to tell her how you feel and she needs to work on some changes to bring you both back together.
Every single couple must be able to discuss difficult things and be able to make changes if they want their relationship to last.
She’s got everything she wants. Why give you anything since you’ve shown you’ll continue to be a spineless doormat.
Leave.
I’m afraid that most of the research says contempt and resentment is a sure sign the relationship is over. I don’t see what you get out of that relationship. You’re very young; I think it’s time to find someone who is an actual partner and more compatible in all areas of your life. Good luck
I’m exhausted just reading this. See if you can get her into therapy. Personally, with that shopping list of hoovery, I’d be looking to get out of Dodge.
She has mental health issues. You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to help themselves. You aren’t obligated to help the mentally ill. He happiness is her responsibility. Not yours.
It sounds like you just need to leave. If you’re already resenting her it’s time for you to walk away
OP I’m in a similar situation. My partner started down this exact path a couple of years ago and it had me feeling very much like you are. It’s difficult to explain so I get what you mean when you feel like your post isn’t coherent but I get it. Unfortunately, this lies mostly at the feet of your partner. Mine decided to step up and when she knew we were reaching a high point, she decided to step away from our relationship to better herself. She recognized that as an individual she wasn’t happy with herself as a person or as a partner. We’re on a break right now as friends and she’s doing the work, she’s in therapy, she’s learning how to better take care of herself, and she’s learning financial responsibility. She’s even communicating this every step of the way, when she doesn’t have to. There are things that this break made us both realize and that’s that sometimes it’s both of us that are contributing to these problems too. We communicate better than ever now and honestly who knows if we’ll even get back together. As of right now, 6 months in, we’re looking strong and growing closer as we both better ourselves (this break also provided ME an opportunity to work on things I hadn’t realized about myself as one could possibly do for you) and she’s been much better. That resentment I had been feeling has disappeared but only because my partner acknowledged her head was in a bad place and took a step back to fix it. It freed me to do things I wanted to too, without having to sacrifice everything we have built together. This was a lot, but TLDR is that if your partner can’t put the work in, this is only going to get worst, and you need to do what’s best for you! It CAN be fixed, and doesn’t even need to result in a breakup, but she needs to step up a bit.
she is depressive.
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i have been through this, on both side of the fence.
Leave her. Problem solved.
You need to address with her – sometimes I joke about it while still calling her out playfully. Other times i have a serious conversation, either way you need to make it known when a boundary is crossed.
I don’t think this is about her insecurities and stress. I think you’re done with the relationship.
You need to have a serious discussion with her if you truly want this to continue. If you truly see a future with her. If not, save yourself and just leave. Maybe it’ll be the thing she needs to understand how incredibly insufferable she is. And hopefully change. But no one can help anyone who doesn’t want to truly change.
Tell her, “Your inability to regulate stress and your body image issues are leading me to resent you.”
It sounds like youre drained and you need some me time. You need to tell her that she’s been getting a lot of support from you and now you need it back. Make her pick up the slack and honestly make her do the majority of the work for a week or so. It isn’t just the man’s job to be the strong one. She needs to put in her work too
People don’t understand the constant negative talk and bad mouthing ones body when you are attracted to them is the biggest turn off. My partner is short and he use to be a bigger dude but is thick and I told him I would not tolerate constant negative self image talk so after a few times he stopped. I always make a point to make him feel wanted, loved and sexy regardless of what weight he is because I love him. I totally get where your coming from. If she doesn’t want to help herself and continues to spiral, either therapy for herself or breakup. This relationship will continue to be u healthy, unhappy and unfullfilling to you if she doesn’t change.
I am approaching this with empathy and NO judgement for either parties. Please only follow my advice if any of this rings true
It sounds to me she’s depressed, stressed, overwhelmed and needs therapy
I am very much the same and how my bf gets me to help myself is he starts doing the things with me (I have ADHD and chronic back pain so it may be slightly different).
E.g we cook TOGETHER and I do the washing and chopping of veggies and little bits of washing up as we go and set the table and he’ll do the lengthy bits that will make me tired or overwhelmed.
With exercise I (regrettably) won’t do it by myself no matter how hard I try to summon the motivation so we go to the gym together or just a little walk (even 30 minutes a day will help with body image as exercise releases endorphins!
With unhealthy food it can be a problem as I reach quickly for those high dopamine but high sugar, sat fats and salt foods. So she may be trying to self medicate/ de stress with junk food. You could maybe buy less quick snacks like crisps and chocolate biscuits (which let’s face it everyone does and it’s nothing to be ashamed of for giving in) and get in something that’s in the middle (I go for breadsticks and a baby bell which is surprisingly low calorie and fills you up OR gherkins as they are salty but extremely low calorie)
With laundry and cleaning tasks we do it together or make it fun with music or a challenge (who can fold clothes the quickest)
He also is proactive with my body image and tells me how beautiful I am as soon as we wake up (which starts an “argument” about who is the most beautiful/ handsome- disgusting I know) I’m maybe even starting to believe it
TLDR: start small to see if she’ll start putting in effort again
If she’s not WILLING to put in ANY effort then these solutions will likely not work
It’s not fair to you when someone else’s mental health issues effect your own sanity. There is a thing called compassion exhaustion. I’ve been guilty of dumping my problems in relationship, seems to be a way to end things really quickly. You’ve got to be blunt and stick to boundaries. That’s the only thing that has worked with me. However be realistic if you have anything left, there’s also such thing as sunken cost fallacy.
Sit down and have a serious conversation with her. Tell her your feelings.
It’s called communication. It’s the best way to figure things out.
The first step is talking to her.
If you do want to try and you think she would put in the effort: Couples therapy asap. Your feelings are valid and you deserve to be able to air your concern without her melting down and freezing out communication.
That teasing you sexually all day and then not following through later definitely seems like she using you as a way to boost herself, and make herself feel desired, then it wears off and she’s back to deadbed again. Not fair to you, it’s manipulation and to the point of it causing pain it’s just cruel. Not being able to use normal means to relieve yourself is also very manipulating and controlling.
If it was a guy that was staying up all night playing games and trolling online while not really helping out the consensus would be to leave them and that’s what I think you should do here. You are in a deadend cycle, she is no longer participating, let alone contributing to the relationship. You are in an active state of resentment – this relationship is not sustainable.
I had to tell a partner that he needed to go to therapy because I simply could not be his therapist and listen to him go on and on about his issues. That as his partner it was causing me too much stress so please go see a therapist
Eww, just break up and leave her. She loves to complain, but doesn’t actually do anything about her situation and that’s just ick. Imagine how things will be if she gets pregnant? Nope nope just leave dude.
Literally take this post you just made, copy it, and paste it to her. Transparency is #1 in a relationship… if you all can’t handle solving this issue, you won’t be able to solve other issues that may arise later in life. Better end It if you have no conflict resolution abilities.
if you plan your life with her, therapy. 6months out of a lifetime is a short period of problems, and what you describe it is exactly what many wives go throught, and you guys are young and can make changes alone and together or just end it.