I think the main reason i can never blend into this generation of hook ups, is this. Once you have made love to someone, you cannot go back to having sex with them. Let me rephrase that, when you have fucked someone whom you love and they love you back, when you have felt that dynamic, that passion, that love. And had to bid adios to that for whatever the situation be, you can never go back to having mere sex with them (when they are no longer in love with you) or other fwb.
Maybe this is just me being old school, or maybe because i didnt give the hookup culture enough tries, but i lowkey dont want to either?
Do i need to change the way i think to merely fit in?

48 comments

  2. >Do I need to change the way I think merely to fit in?

    Hell no. *You* should pay attention to what feels good and exciting and fulfilling and sexy for *you*. If some other people like to have hookup culture and you don’t, that’s fine.

    I’m with you, I’m a bit remote from being able to comment on current hookup culture but I had those days and they weren’t as yummy as love sex.

  3. It’s like being to a *really good* sushi place. Many times you decide to just pass because you know it doesn’t measure up. And that’s ok. Sometimes you’d be in the mood for *meh* sushi.

    The best and worst thing you can tell an ex-partner is: “you ruined sex for me”

  4. Sex is definitely more than just PIV. It’s also about the connection. Guys will say this doesn’t matter, but I know it just feels so much better when I have feelings with a woman than just a random Tinder bang.

  6. Well, you’re not *required* to conform to hookup culture. If you want to hold out, you can hold out. And anyone who judges you… Well, now you know they weren’t worth sleeping with anyhow. 😉

  7. Stand by your beliefs. Quality over quantity. Sure it might take longer to find what you’re looking for, but it’s so incredibly worth it in the long run. Almost nothing else can compare to sex with love and passion.

  8. Sure. I’ve had great sex with it and bad sex with it.

    Sex where you’re both on the same page about pleasing each other is almost always great. Especially if you’re both open minded about new experiences.

    That isn’t always automatic with love or relationships. I’ve been the ear for many a frustrated man/woman in love.

    Also, this generation is more exposed to sex but is actually having less sex than previous generations. So “hook up culture” is really only being engaged in by a smaller group of people than we think.

    And sex.. hookups, whatever you want to call it. People have been doing that since the beginning of time, so it’s not really new.

    You don’t need to change your thinking at all. What works for you, works for you. I’d only say don’t be afraid of new experiences because you’ve convinced yourself things are best one specific way. That doesn’t mean sleep around either.

    And don’t believe that your way of doing things makes you better than anyone who doesn’t necessarily believe it’s the best way.

  10. You can fuck anyone, you’ll only get to make love with a select few.

    The ones you make love with *also* can be fucked. It’s like a sexy 2 for 1. Nothing is better than sex with someone you connect with, grow with, learn with and laugh with.

    You’re not wrong, because it’s your preference, about your body, and your experience. That’s great, change for no one.

  11. As a guy who left a 7 years relationship Last year, can confirm that it is toltally diferent. Got some Hook Ups when i got single, and kinda feels empty when its Over or the other person leaves. At least for me.

  12. 100% agree . I think sex gets way better when you are in a loving relationship. The ability to be open and have free conversations about what you want in and out of the bedroom with out judgement just flows to amazing sex, and often a lot more of it.

  14. As I read this I thought it was me talking…perfectly said….agreed a gazillion percent

    These hook up fools think they got it good sex all over the place with anybody you don’t know sex until you fucked someone you are deep down dirty in love with

  15. That’s you, and I’m sure plenty of others who find that relateable. It’s not universal. I’ve had awkward sex with people I love, and great sex with people I am comfortable with but not romantic with.

  16. 100%. when i was still single and having sex with multiple people, i’ve never felt more alone or empty in my life. yes, it might’ve felt good in the moment but as soon as it was over i felt an emptiness as deep as the ocean.

    fast forward to present day, im engaged to the most amazing man/human being i’ve ever met. the sex we have is the beautiful, extraordinary, and hot. we are so deeply in love and intertwined with each other it’s addictive. and we always take care of each other, it’s perfect. so yes, sex with love absolutely hits different.

  17. I disagree. Maybe *you* can’t. But a lot of people can. Some people just don’t want to go completely without sex when they’re not in a relationship, so even though they know what it feels like to truly make love, they’re still willing to settle for plain meaningless sex.

    And some people have been hurt so badly from love gone bad that they don’t ever want to fall in love again, but don’t want to live the rest of their lives without sex, so the hookup culture is actually preferred so that they don’t have to let their heart be involved in order to have sex.

    It’s dumb to make blanket statements and try to apply it to “everyone” for something that may only apply to you. It simply is not true for everyone.

  18. Nope. There are a lot of people who feel the same way. I had my fair share of experiences in my 20s and that was enough to know casual sex just isn’t my cup of tea. It feels empty and unengaging.

    Sex with someone you care about or love is way more intimate and fulfilling to me. I also use sex to communicate my affection and emotions, though. People who don’t feel a deep tie between sex and how they feel about someone probably enjoy casual sex more than I do.

    I’ve only had sex with 3 people over the last 10 years and my only regret is one of them ended up being a scumbag. I don’t regret any of the opportunities to have sex that i skipped out on. And if someone decides to move on to the next person because you aren’t ready to have sex yet, then they aren’t compatible and you can move on to spending your time on someone who is.

  19. You can fuck anyone with passion and love: exes, new acquaintances, fwb. It sadens me when people make a distinction between “sex” and “making love”, or when people assume that just because you’re not in a defined relationship you’re not “making love”. I suppose there are a lot of lazy lovers out there that just go through the motions to get off. That’s sad. But you can give and receive love with any soul, and the idea that, “if you’re not in love with someone you’re not going to get that.” is a false dichotomy.

    Of course, exes are a more complicated situation. If you don’t feel passion or desire any more, it’s probably wise to not engage with them sexually at all.

  20. Honestly hook-ups don’t hit your emotions. I come away from them feeling kind of empty. Sex with a partner you love… making love with them; nothing better. I gave up BDSM because my partner is vanilla and monogamous, and I don’t regret it at all. I love him so much, seriously I want to marry him

  21. I’m the same. I hate casual sex and have been hurt many times bc my sexual ideals aren’t like others I meet.

  22. I used to kind of “struggle” with the label in my marriage. I always wanted to refer to it as making love, but was self conscious it sounded pretentious.

    Which was funny because I felt because we had such a strong connection it should have been easier to also just have physical moments.

    Sometimes we did.
    But man oh man. Kids are the biggest cock block.
    Especially when your partner had boundary issues and had different priorities in that regard.

    When I would express frustration, she would say that there would always be time later.

    I referenced this when she cut me off and then went for divorce, not even separation.

    Guess there would not be time for me later.

    Still miss that level of connection. I look forward to it again whenever I’m ready in the future and life happens.

  23. I personally have no problem moving between sex/fucking/hooking up/making love/whatever – human experiences including sex are fluid and ever-changing and I like to be adaptable.

    But to each their own, you sound like a sensitive romantic OP and there’s nothing wrong with that! Just make sure you don’t walk away from this post feeling superior to people who experience sex and love differently than you, because that’s 100% the vibe you’re putting out with this post!

  24. I was trying to hookup with guys on tinder and eventually met my bf there. Dammmmm do I feel this now, it started 3 months in where I knew I had feelings for him. 6 months after that, everything was about how passionate we felt about each other. Sex with love is making love to me while everything else is just enjoyable.

  26. This is going to be long and graphic maybe BUT

    100% agree. I used to be big on the hookup scene loved it too..

    Then I met him
    And oh my god…the sex is just out of this world. The sex is like a magnet. Brings us together. It’s like it just MAKES SENSE. It feels SO RIGHT and oh my god it feels so fucking good. Makes me melt..turn into jello…I become so delirious. When he’s drilling into me, bending me over,I feel so much affection for him as well as I do lust.
    Like wow..someone who actually compliments me, cares about me but also railing the fuck out of my pussy and slapping my ass till it stings lol. He mentally and physically turns me on like no other. I care about his sexual needs so much. I care about him. He’s so important to me during sex after it before it UGH.
    And then afterwards there’s long big hugs and kisses and giggles(from me)
    Sex with emotions feel so fulfilling. I’ll never go back to hookups..never go back to half ass sex and men. I got everything I need right here. I got someone I align with sexually AND mentally

  27. speaking as someone who went to a college where you can major in hook up culture. Getting with as many people as possible is like dancing in a mine field, “exciting but dangerous” My personal advice is to try a middle ground. Get on a free dating sight and try meeting people. except tinder that site is the last thing you need. If you are trying and failing with other people that sucks but it better than giving up or doing something crazy.

  30. I agree wholeheartedly. Hookups have never done anything for me. Sex either in love or on the way to love (in a committed relationship) is miles better than the random hookups I’ve had. There’s no comparison.

  31. I’m kinda learning this one out too. I wanted to have sex all the time with my wife. Like multiple times a day type of shit. I loved her body, the way she felt. All of it. We’re divorced now. I’ve tried a hookup. I would get hard but went soft at intercorse. I had zero attraction to this woman. Hooked up with my ex a couple times. First time was great same with second. Third time was going soft at intercorse. That loss of love takes away alot of the enjoyment. Now I’m innthe beginning of dating someone I’m worried I won’t be able to perform when the time comes. Shit will fuck you up hard-core.

  32. I have been celibate for 3 and 1/2 years and I am completely okay with it. I have a zero interest in ever having sex again. I have to be in love with somebody to have sex and I doubt I’ll ever trust anybody enough to be in love with them again.

  33. You know what you like/want. That is a good thing. Definitely don’t change that. I can relate. I have a platonic bff and he and I talk about just about everything. It’s great. He has had one night stands, etc. I tell him I could never. I have to love the person. It has always been that way with me and I am still that way at 40. He says I missed out. I disagree. I am just not wired that way. If there is no love, then for me, there is no point. But I am not saying anyone else should be like that. I am just saying this has been my experience. I just am not the kind of chick to have meaningless sex.

  36. Always be yourself, unless you can be Batman!, then obviously be Batman.

    For real though, sex doesn’t even matter after having that connection. The sex is like a large iron gate that opens to lead you to the city of gold.

  37. It’s definetly a game changer. This is why I’m so big on self love since I met my SO because if I knew before how powerful sex could be I would have never wasted my time with shallow relationships. I hope to have this man in my life forever because I really don’t think I could let someone else touch me after him. The term “making love” has a whole new meaning once you’ve found that person that touches your mind, body and soul. I do wish everyone could have that experience. It took me 30 years to find it but it is so worth the wait.

  38. Sex with love really is different. You would never understand until you truly have it. You never get bored because you just love that person so god damned much.

    Each time hubby makes love to me I feel butterflies and passion like it’s our first time and we’ve been together 13 years, two kids. He calls me “freaky” but Im just so comfortable and love him so much, so let go of myself when we are doing the deed. Its electrifying every time he gives it to me and I just can’t explain it.

  39. I’ve heard this difference more from men than women. Can any women confirm? Sometimes I think only certain people really even have this distinction, or maybe I just think the woman I used to love never appreciated our intimacy as much as I did when all was said and done.

  40. I totally agree with you. I kinda had the similar dynamics with my ex I mean even though it was 4 years of long distance with him, it was so comfortable.

    Ever since then I haven’t really been able to find someone who vibed with me the same way. Everyone nowadays wants to have sex and get done which made me think that maybe something is wrong with me for wanting that connection, the passion, the love. I love being an old school romantic and I would never give in to the hookup culture.

  41. So, I (20 F) had sex many times with one of my best friends that I have known for 2 decades she is also a girl and was curious about it. Well, we ended up doing it many times and during that time she lived with me so we did it 3 times a day or so. I started falling extremely hard for her and one day we were having sex and I was watching her and her eyes met mine. I’ve never felt such connection or passion it was like we were on another universe. Long story short I haven’t seen her for months and I’ve tried and hooked up with other people (trying to forget her) every time I kissed someone else I was mad because it wasn’t what I felt when doing it with her…

  43. I remember asking a friend how he was able to just hookup with ppl. I said you must be heartless not feeling anything & he said it gets easier. Unsure of what that meant. All I know is I wasnt meant for this hookup culture. I rather find someone i love & have sex with them explore everything with them. Sex is better when your comfortable with someone & i can explore their body.

  44. My bf and I dated for 4 years before we had sex. (We touched other, made out, did oral, etc, mostly because I was TERRIFIED of getting pregnant but other things too). Even before having sex the passion between the two of us just worked. It got even better when we started having sex. I completely agree with you. I never had a hook up phase either.

  45. My boyfriend and I had sex a week ago, and it was the most loving and most beautiful thing I’ve ever experienced. He kissed my toes to my face, kept saying I’m beautiful and that he loved me. It was passionate, intimate, and soft. I can’t explain a better feeling than the man of your dreams making love to you.

  46. Just last night my boyfriend and I were having sex after a week apart and he, completely unprompted, said ‘I love you so much’. There is truly nothing like the intimacy you get with sex with someone you love and who loves you in return.

    I will never want any other kind of sex again, for me I never enjoyed casual stuff I explored it a little after my divorce but it just wasn’t for me and it left me feeling hollow. Stick to what you want, it’s out there for everyone I believe!

  47. I can agree in many ways with you OP. I have not done lovemaking since years ago. I crave the emotional connection. Being kissed with passion and love is unexplainable.

  48. I’ve had a lot of sex that was just… Sex, but I fell in love with someone in that sexual-bonding kind of way and I remember vividly how different it started hitting when I went past that threshold. Everything he did felt more intense, when he’d trace his fingers across my skin my whole body would activate and just his presence would send shivers down my spine. When we’d be having sex and looking at each other in the eyes I felt like the world stopped and I was one with him. I felt so alive and every time he’d push himself in me it felt like jumping off a cliff and like my whole body just wanted to grasp and embrace all of him. When we’d go on dates or watch movies at mine and not being sexual, I just felt so deeply at ease and like I was emotionally and physically safe with him. But as soon as he’d look or touch me in a certain way to tell me it’s on, it’s like he flicked a switch in me and it was just… Amazing. I’ve never been so in tune with my mind and body than when I was having sex with him.

    I thought I had been in love before, and maybe I had and it just felt different with those people, but I never had it like this with anyone else. Outwardly he was just an ordinary guy and we got along nicely like friends do, but there was just something about his being that resonated with me that came out whenever we’d be close to each other.

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