Ok so my boyfriend and I are very playful with each other when it comes to sex, and we spent the night together last night. I woke up before him this morning and he was facedown and I pulled the blanket off and decided to be playful. He’s a **VERY** heavy sleeper (like really, he needs like 20 different alarms to wake up) and I started kneading his ass, and he didn’t wake up. Then I started to massage the area around his asshole and started to kiss around it. Still asleep. Then I decided to go all the way and started to rim him for a minute or two…he still didn’t wake up. I didn’t want to try fingering him since that would NOT be a playful and/or pleasant way to wake up so I just kinda chuckled and threw the blanket back on him and snuggled back up next to him.
After he woke up I didn’t mention it, but it’s been on my mind all day…did I assault him? I was being playful and we’ve done buttplay like that before, but of course sleeping people can’t give consent. I don’t know how to feel about this and I’m worried I might’ve done something terrible.
Does anyone have any insight to offer?
35 comments
My boyfriend wouldn’t have minded
Have you guys discussed play while the other person is asleep? If not, now might be a good time. Consentual nonconsentual is a thing but needs to be discussed.
>After he woke up I didn’t mention it, but it’s been on my mind all day…did I assault him?
Yup
>I was being playful and we’ve done buttplay like that before, but of course sleeping people can’t give consent.
See, you truly already knew the answer
>I don’t know how to feel about this and I’m worried I might’ve done something terrible.
You need to tell him. People are allowed to give consent while they’re awake for you to mess with them while they’re asleep. He’s the only one who can say whether he is or isn’t ok with being woken up with that way. Going forward, get consent first but whether or not it’s a terrible assault depends completely on whether or not he feels violated.
If he didn’t agree that you should do something to him while he is sleeping, that is assualt. As you said, a sleeping person can’t consent. Please, tell him. Overstepping sexual boundaries like that is serious.
You know how consent is supposed to work, I assume?
Before anything happens, you get plenty of chance to indicate that you are keen on the idea of something happening.
Just as it’s about to happen, you get a chance to convincingly say yes.
While it happens, there is a lot of room for encouragement.
And afterwards, plenty room to tell your partner that it was awesome and that you want it again in the future.
The whole idea with surprising someone that’s asleep, messes up the whole chain of how consent is supposed to work. And for that to be okay, you need to have a talk about what parts of it you are willing to trade for the experience, so to speak.
Generalising a bit, most people want the aftertalk, at the very least.
You still have time for the aftertalk, so make sure to do that right.
Now. Don’t get me wrong when I say this; A LOT of guys definitely appreciate waking up to something like this. Totally appreciate the surprise. I know that I did.
But some don’t, and you need to assume that he belongs to that group and have a sincere talk with him.
With some luck, he’ll be completely on board with everything he usually welcomes, when he is asleep as well.
But talk you must. So do it.
Just talk to your partner.
Let him know what happened. If he is like me…or pretty much any other man I know, then he isn’t going to care at all that you tried initiating sex whilst he was asleep. It is still good to establish if that is something he is happy with – some people just aren’t into being woken up with sex and that’s a good discussion to have.
I’m of the opinion that there is a level of implied consent for initiating physical contact when you’re in a relationship, but i would say you took it a little further than that. E.G, I wouldn’t ask permission to start groping my wife’s ass, but if she pulls away, or isn’t receptive, then I would stop. If you’re boyfriend is typically happy with assplay then how you started was fine…but as it went on for 20+ minutes and then escalated into rimming it becomes murkier.
You really need to discuss somnophilia with a partner before engaging, not just because of the iffy consensual nonconsent elements. You’re lucky he didn’t wake up and punch or kick you.
Yeah ask him about messing with while he is asleep beforehand. But for me, I think there is an implied trust in a relationship of “I will only do things to you that I think you will like.”
Should’ve told him after he woke up, doubt he would have minded some harmless playtime and I bet he would have been into it if he was awake. But, if you haven’t told him yet, do tell him – perhaps that might even pave the path to consensual play while he is asleep next time!
yes, you assaulted him. especially if he doesn’t know u did it. please learn about boundaries, unless you guys have talked about touching each other while the other is asleep then don’t do that to ppl, that’s very odd to think it’s okay without consent
To me, I wouldn’t give a fuck. But to others, this would literally be grounds for breaking up. You have to be aware of people’s potential boundaries before engaging with them in atypical interactions. You guys need to have a talk about what those are, and tell him what happened, where you were coming from, and see where things go from here
I like butt stuff on occasion too. But only when I’m fresh out of the shower, cause otherwise, gross. I wouldn’t be happy if my dude this to me while sleeping. I wouldn’t go as far as to call this *rape*, but it would certainly be unwelcome if it were me. Just tell him about it and don’t do it again
Licking assholes before coffee? There are some issues there, just one of them being assault. You already know, or you wouldn’t be asking.
Just ask him if u have permission to do that.
I had such agreements with my ex – I could fuck her when she was asleep if I wanted to – she agreed.
But when I asked about that my current gf, she told me that she doesn’t want that, bcs it sounds kinda like rape – since she can’t control anything during that act, and she don’t want to have sex with me when she’s unconscious.
You need to have a conversation awake and alert outside the bedroom.
My girlfriend and I have talked about waking each other up with sexytimes. And today we finally did that thing. But the difference is we talked about it beforehand. Green light all the way
You didn’t have consent. You need to talk about it. He might react poorly. But this is your bed, and you’ve gotta sleep in it.
You absolutely need to tell him, that’s very important. You should’ve talked this over beforehand. My husband & I always have sex in our sleep. After the first time it happened, we both mentioned it the next morning & talked it over. Even after that, I asked him if it’d be okay to wake him up w a blowy, since I’d be awake & he would be unconscious. A good relationship & healthy sex life is based in communication & consent.
My man spent all day with a slippery crack and didn’t know why.
Tell him what you did. If it’s something you want to try again, establish that consent while he is awake. A lot of people here saying guys wouldn’t care, but guys are allowed to say no and should have their consent respected! It’s possible that your boyfriend might be one of the guys that *does* care about this and would feel assaulted.
On a side note, it seems dangerous to rim someone while they are sleeping lol you weren’t worried about him farting in your mouth while he was unconscious?
Unless he’s expressly given you consent to do this, yeah, that’s sexual assault. You need to tell him, or if you can’t, at least leave the relationship. He has the right to know.
You said talk to a therapist. This clearly crosses a line and you took advantage.
Personally, my husband and I live with different standards. I’ve given him blanket permission to do whatever is normally in bounds for us regardless of my state. (My guess is he wouldn’t do anything if I was passed out, but if I was drunk he might.) He has told me he wants to be fully consenting in the moment, so I need to make sure he’s aware of we play. This actually arose after a time we fooled around while he was drowsy and he didn’t remember the next day. I had thought he had capacity to consent, and her didn’t remember even! So we discussed and drew our lines.
Depends on your relationship. In mine this would not be considered assault. In others it would be
Ask him how he feels about it.
Yes you did. He was not able to give consent.
simply, yea
The only reason I would be mad would be:
1. What if I smelled down there I would be fucking ashamed for the rest if the relationship.
2. What if I farted on your face I would also be ashamed.
So I would be mad because by not asking you would have created a bad experience for yourself and make me ashamed for the rest of the relationship. I don’t know if that made any sense
If you have not discussed it its assault.
If the roles were reversed then I’m sure you would feel like you had been assaulted.
Explain it to him, he may be down for that. But you have to give him the chance of consent.
Would you feel assaulted if he did the same to you while sleeping?
‘but of course sleeping people can’t give consent’
Have y’all talked about sleep play prior to this? If not, you 100% assaulted him. I suggest you own up to what you did so he can make an informed decision on what you did, and try to move past it or not.
If my girlfriend tried to wake me up with oral sex I’d probably say “thanks but wake me up first next time.”
Assault? Jesus. I feel like we really need to have more common sense around this stuff. You were trying to do something he likes to wake him up in a playful way.
This was not sexual violence and absolutely not rape.
But you guys need to talk about this stuff for next time, so you know if he likes this or doesn’t. Simple as that. This is a relationship discussion moment, not a gd sex crime. Sheesh.
lmfao if my fiance did this and told me after i would be rolling on the ground laughing 😅
Just talk to him, honesty and communication is the best policy.
all these people saying you assaulted him, I understand if he feels that way. But if my gf told me she did that, I’d immediately be turned on and ready to go
You should apologize, and talk about the future if you want to do something like that again.
No! Absolutely not. The way I see it is: A. You guys are obviously in a committed relationship. B. You guys are actively sexual with each other. C. You’ve done butt stuff before and he was obviously ok with it. D. You stopped yourself before penetrating him.
Don’t beat yourself up over this, tell him about it and if it makes you and him more comfortable talk about boundaries.
You’re all good in my book and I’m kinda jealous too!
>playful. He’s a VERY heavy sleeper…
>and I started kneading his ass, and he didn’t wake up. Then I started to massage the area around his asshole and started to kiss around it. Still asleep. Then I decided to go all the way and started to rim him for a minute or two…he still didn’t wake up…
The issue is that you kept escalating or progressing in acts. If he’s a deep sleeper and was not waking up after kneading him, just end your exploration and leave him alone.
If you guys never have discussed playing with each other while asleep then yes you assaulted him. You know he’s a heavy sleeper, yet continued sexual advances he couldn’t say no to? How would you feel if the roles were reversed?
You need to tell him, apologize sincerely, don’t make excuses, and establish boundaries for the future.
Nah
My husband would feel completely violated if I did something like this. He’s really not into being on the receiving end of any kind of anal play. If you guys talked about it before hand, and he said “yeah, I’d be cool with you playing with my asshole while I’m asleep” then no it’s not assault. But I seriously doubt you had a conversation first.