I just found out my wife is leaving me. I’m not ok right now. I will be eventually, but right now I’m just not. I am hurting.
How do I respond when people ask how I’m doing as a form of greeting? I don’t want to lie and say I’m good or that I’m fine, but I also definitely don’t want to bring the mood down, and I’m not ready to talk about it.
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You can try:
“I’m not doing great right now. I’m going through a lot and I’m not really ready to talk about it.”
Or some of the classics:
“I’m hanging in there”
“I’m taking it one day at a time”
“I’ve been better. Thanks for asking, I appreciate it.”
It really depends how well you know them or how close you are. With my closest group of friends, when they ask I tell them I’m not doing well if they don’t already know. But to people I don’t know or am only casually acquainted with, I simply prescribe to the social normal and muster a smile and tell them I’m doing well, and ask how they are in return. It might take some work to be able to do that, but I’d be very hesitant to start telling people you aren’t okay or making your problems known to people at work or who aren’t your close friends. Some here might disagree with this, but my experience has been that your coworkers and casual friends ask how you are, but the truth is they aren’t asking for you to dump your problems on them. When you start doing it with coworkers, word spreads pretty quickly to stop asking. You likely don’t want coworkers to have a reason to avoid you since it could affect your job.
“Getting there. How about you?”
“You know what? it’s not easy right now, but I am keeping strong. How about you?”
“Ha… interesting question right now, but I’m getting there. How about you?”
The ‘how about you?’ part (with a smile) cuts the chat away from you and onto them. This gives them a choice, if they actually care about how you are they can explore further, if not they can answer you and walk away. You’ve been honest, but not accidentally trapped them in a convo they don’t want to have at that moment.
Beyond that, make sure you have someone to talk to outside of work. We aren’t supposed to be able to handle shit on our own, no matter what the stoics might say on YouTube.
You may be a successful business man maybe even diamond cut like he-man or something… but that does not mean you can’t get help as well. I only say this as I work with successful professionals at times and a common theme is trying to deal with it all alone, because that is the expectation they have of themselves.
Feel for you bro. Stay strong. Keep speaking up.
I’m living Plan B. 🙂
I use “Hanging in there” or “Still here” or “Could be worse, I guess” or “Eh, you know * shrug *…how about you?” or something equally vague and noncommittal.
Doesn’t matter too much what you say, most of the time, as long as you quickly turn it back around to how THEY are, because most people are either just trying to be polite and acknowledge your existence or are looking for an excuse to talk about themselves or gossip about others.
Sorry to hear you’re having a rough time. Hope things get easier for you soon.
“Living the dream!”
It’s man’s universal cry for help.
“Well, I’m still here”
“Still kicking”
“Peachy”
“Grand”
“Fine and dandy”
“Doing my best”
“Hanging in there”
“Surviving”
“Existing” are some of my favs
Well when both of my parents died and my siblings called eachother murderers recently I just said “Not great. Thanks for asking.” And if they wanted to ask more questions I just said “I don’t feel up to talking about it right now. Sorry.” But most people didn’t ask.
I’m sorry you’re going through this and believe it or not it doesn’t feel like your heart will ever stop breaking, but it will.
It’s important to keep in mind that it’s generally not a real question, it’s a ritualistic greeting that gets people’s voices out in the space. If you say you’re doing badly that’s interrupting the ritual to bring attention to the fact that you’re not doing well. You’re allowed to say “I’m okay” and not be too literal about it.
“Peachy.”
“Another day in paradise.”
“Another day in the commonwealth.”
“I used to be an adventurer like you…”
I’ve started responding, “not that bad, not that great”.
My dad would always say “Living indoors and eating everyday.”
“Same shit different smells.”
“Same soup just reheated.”
“Not dead yet.”
“Depends. How much time do you have?”
When some askes me how my day as been, and it’s been bad (been having a lot of those) I simply reply, “I’m surviving.”
you don’t need to tell everyone your business. “i’m ok.” is sufficient. anything more you reserve unless they are a close friend and need to know.
I can’t complain. It true, you can’t complain because it’s impolite and inappropriate to do so at a perfunctory greeting.
I’m current miscarrying my third attempt at a child, and having to go to work during it. #livingthedream
My go-to phrases this week in response to “how are ya?” have been “Taking it one day at a time”, “halfway to closing time/friday”, or “Not drunk enough for this next meeting”… said with a smile it’s empty enough to move the pleasantry ritual forward, but enough truth to not make me throw up.
Everyone’s said some great ideas! I’m just here to say I’m sorry you’re going through this as this.
Yeah, a few years ago, I had to go through a very tough time in my life, and I panicked every time someone asked me that question.
I think the best is to be honest with yourself and with the other person. You can say, “Well, I’ve had better times, but we’ll go through it”.
It always sounds genuine and stoic. Everyone goes through bad times in life, and people would usually empathise with you.
Being either too negative or overly positive would never be the right approach here.
“Oh I’m pissing rainbows mate. Practically shitting skittles”, is how I’d handle it in the UK 😂 or “yeah I feel like Glenda the Good Witch stuck a magic wand up my arse whilst Judy Garland was singing the hills are alive”
My mates would know from my overuse of perceived happiness and joy means I’m definitely NOT ok. We use sarcasm a lot in my town and a bit of humour to help portray the actual feelings without it being overly awkward.
In other news, I hope that you work through it one day at a time and come out stronger than you were before OP ♥️ Thinking of you x
Im fine
“Eh.”
*dead silence*
“I’m alright, I guess.”
“I ate five Eggos this morning”
All are guaranteed to make the person stop asking lol
I’m taking it all in is a good wide generic response.
Just respond with how are you doing? And ignore the question lol most people won’t notice you didn’t answer them.
“Keeping the good side out”
Since you don’t want to attract attention I would say “taking things a day at a time”
But it’s so weird as a culture how we ask how someone is doing and fully expect lies in response. Someone answering truthfully makes our brains short circuit.
“Hey, how are you”
Reply: “yknow” *shrug* “how about you?” / / “meh.. yknow, the usual”
Or you just divert:
“Hey how are you?”
Reply: “Hey, good morning it’s nice to see you!”
I literally just say “I’m not great, but I will be” bc it doesn’t make them think I’m fucking depressed and it also makes it seem like I don’t want them asking more questions.
I also say “well I’m here so…” people tend to resonate with this one, esp at work Lmao
In the UK we just say “Not too bad.”
“Living the dream”
I had to go to a family reunion right after my marriage broke up, I had also just lost my job. I asked my brothers the same thing. What do I say? I don’t want to be rude or ruin the mood but I’m in a very bad place. So I thought of kind things to say that were true and practiced them so I wouldn’t accidentally answer rudely without thinking. “I’m glad to be here” “it’s good to see you” keep it short and polite and deflect any nosey questions. My experience went fine, most people have tact and respect not wanting to talk about painful things. You got this! Good luck!
“Up and not crying”
“It’s a challenging time”.
“Im alive, you?” “Not so good, honestly, but I’ll probably be okay soon, you?” or “Meh, you?”
And if they ask for further info then I’ll just be honest with whatever is on my mind (depending on the person, make sure you trust them)
I’m a big believer in honesty.
My response would probably be ” you know…. Life man” ….
I’m here is my go to even when I’m okay, especially since nobody in the US cares about the answer.
The typical is “oh you know…” and a silly smile to break the tension but also show its not going good
“Eeeh, baaad” and laughing it