So, to preface, we’ve been together for 3 years now. We’ve been long distance the entire time, but got married after spending a month together in person last summer.
He’s always been a very closed off person. He doesn’t tend to share his feelings or even talk about his day. He always agrees with me, no matter what I say. I don’t want arguments of course, but I also feel like he’s just pushing his own feelings down.
We got married last summer for immigration reasons, as he is interested in living in my country. I was happy to do this, as I believed he was someone I would want to spend my life with. Additionally, we had tried multiple other options and they hadn’t worked.
A year later, things aren’t so great. I wanted him to build a savings in order to move here. I have the money to help him, but it’s money I’ve been saving since I was 16 and got my first job. I’m saving it for a house one day and letting it build interest. He had an inheritance that was fairly sizable, but lost all of it on a scam (longggg story, not exactly relevant). This inhertiance could have comfortably covered him moving here, buying a car, and basic needs while he wouldn’t initially be able to work. He also is in a decent amount of credit card debt, although he typically evades the questions I ask about it. He’s told me he’s working on paying it off, and that’s all I know.
Over the past year, I’ve been waiting for him to have some kind of savings. He makes very good money, and after sitting down with him and calculating how much his basic needs + $400 in spending money each month, he should still have over $500 left over. When I ask where the money goes, he just says he doesn’t know.
Back to the first part of this post, he’s very closed off. He’s been pushing me away emotionally more and more lately, and although I’ve tried to talk to him, nothing has changed. This has been an issue throughout our entire relationship, but it’s gotten much worse in the past 6 months.
I love him. I’m banging my head against a wall at this point though. He’s helped me through so much, and I’ve committed and planned so much of my life around this. He’s done the same. I don’t want to let him go, but for the first time in our relationship I’m considering it. We talked the other day about some of these things and I realized a lot of the issues we had were pretty serious ones. I also have been stuck on a question that came up: Do I love him for his potential, or the man he is right now? I still don’t know the answer. I know he is smart, funny, kind, and passionate. That’s why I fell in love with him, but I don’t often see him applying it.
To move on a bit to me, I tend to be very independent and love spending time alone. He loves to text me, and have basic “Hi, WYD, HRU” types of convos. I’m not interested in it, especially because these convos are never meaningful. I’ve stopped responding to many of his messages, and I just have no interest in it. When we video call, it’s just us sitting in silence and doing our own things. I’ve often found myself avoiding him.
When we met we could talk for hours into the very early morning. It didn’t matter what it was about, we just loved to talk to each other. We still have these conversations now, but not as often and I often feel like he’s only half paying attention. He used to make me feel safe and free, but now our relationship seems to be hurting me more.
I’m sorry for the long post, but I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel completely lost. I would be heartbroken to end things, but I don’t know if staying and expecting him to change is fair to either of us.
A couple of small notes:
1) No, he’s not using me for immigration fraud. Our relationship began in a very genuine nature, and I seriously doubt I would know his family and friends as well as I do if this was the case.
2) Please don’t comment on my decision to get married young. That’s not what the post is about.
TLDR: I love my husband, but I expect him to change. He says he will, but hasn’t. Is it fair to stay with him?
7 comments
This relationship has not only fallen apart, but he has shut it down. Refusing to talk to you about issues, refusing to give you financial details. He’s not acting like he’s married to you. And now you two don’t even enjoy spending time together. I think it’s time to accept that you two just aren’t a good match. He isn’t what you want, and he isn’t willing to be your partner. That’s two big problems that can’t be easily fixed.
You should never go into a serious commitment (such as marriage) on the premises that a person will change. We are creatures of habit and it’s very difficult for us to change.
If you have no kids….yes you should put everything on the table. People dont change that easily, as you are finding out.
If he cant even tell you where $500 is going…how are you going to trust him to make enough money so you guys can build a family? Or buy a house or car? His reasons for why he doesnt know whats happening to his money is bizarre, and sus. These are things you need to be aware of, because both of you could be in serious legal/financial issues down the line….and guess who is going to have to make up for that? Probably you.
Put all the options on the table.
He’s not going to change, he’s not interested in changing to your specifications or to shared goals. This is dead in the water.
Last thing what you can expect from ppls is to charge. It’s just does not work.
Concerning the small notes:
Those are both 2 important reasons of how you got here and the longer you keep trying to ignore them the harder it will be to see the reality of the situation.
You only knew the guy in person for 1 month and decided to marry him. Come on now.
Man, I don’t miss the time I was so naive.