Have you ever had to forgive your father? If yes, how difficult was it?

11 comments

1. It was much more difficult in my head leading up to the conversation than it was in person.

   In reality he accepted what I had to say much more easily than I thought he would, and that disarmed me so that I could empathize with him as well.

   Some people have shitty abusive parents so I’m in no way saying everyone should be forgiven, but it’s important to remember you probably weren’t a perfect child either and they also remember everything hurtful you’ve said or done to them.

2. Yes.

   My dad was an extremely high-functioning alcoholic for 30 years, my entire life up until I was 22.

   Despite that, despite the near $100,000 he spent on booze throughout my childhood and teenage years, he was / *still* is the greatest man I knew. There were a lot of things he could’ve done better, but he’s a human and humans fuck up. I turned out pretty okay compared to some people I know, and while it would’ve been nice if he stood up to my abusive mother more, he did what he could and I love him no less.

   In 2021 he went through a bout of (what we now know to be) liver failure and somehow came out of it without going to the hospital. He did follow up to see what was wrong, though his initial thoughts were crazy food poisoning and he did not expect the end stage liver disease he was diagnosed with. He went home that day and tried to drink his troubles away. Fortunately, he only made It about halfway through that beer before he got up and dumped every single drop of booze he owned down the sink. He has lost almost 100lbs since, his liver has healed as much as it can, and he’s almost a different person than I remember. I was living in Utah both before and after all of this transpired, so it was quite shocking to finally see him after all of this happened. I remember jokingly asking him where the rest of my dad was. We laughed.

   He and I were on a camping trip exactly a year ago and we were talking about all of this. We got on the subject of atonement and reconciliation, and he about broke down apologizing to me for his drinking/apathy throughout my childhood. Forgiving him was remarkably easy.

   Don’t drink.

3. I wouldn’t say I have forgiven him. I have just grown to understand him and his circumstances. Because I eventually find myself in his shoes.

4. Mf died on me, couldn’t forgive him in time.

5. Nope. Greatest person I’ve met next to mom

6. There are people who think I should forgive him, but I won’t 🙂 I left my entire extended family at 17 am 46 now. And I am almost daily in awe of the life I a have right now, I created that!

7. I opted not to, and that was the right call. He’s not a bad person, he just can’t be trusted. They say “forgive and forget”, but really those are two different things… it’s forgive *or* forget. I’m willing to carry on and pretend that some things didn’t happen, but that is not forgiveness.

8. As the saying goes,

   *holding a grudge is like drinking poison hoping the other person dies*

   Forgiveness isn’t about accepting the other person’s actions, it’s about unburdening yourself from the hurt they’ve caused. My father was the furthest from ideal, but I recognized his upbringing was shit and he never had a real relationship with his father.

   That man has a son from a first marriage (my half-bro), and kids from his current marriage (my younger bros), as well as from his second marriage (my sister and I). He finally got it right with marriage no. 3, but forgot about the kids from no.1 and no. 2. I’ve reconciled this and will not let it hurt my relationship with my own son.

   My forgiveness isn’t saying what he did was right. It’s acknowledging the pain he’s caused and moving on, letting the healing happen. I’m not expecting an apology nor am I expecting redemption. What I am expecting is to be happy in my headspace and not have a chip on my shoulder.

9. I’ve had to forgive my father for a few things.

   It was pretty easy though.

   My dad isn’t perfect but he did his best with what he had and what he knew and it’s insane to ask anymore of him.

10. Never thought about it. Life was rough for us, growing up without a father. when he finally did show up, I was 14, and he brought a bible along, preaching the gospel. it pissed me off. he actually moved in with us when I was 16 but mom threw him out when he refused to help with the bills. he died when I was 22. it made me angry that a son felt nothing for the death of his father.  

    at 27, I met my half-siblings for the first time. they told me stories about him. stories about a great and loving man. it only pissed me off further.  

    at 42, I took my 6 year old daughter to meet my half-siblings. this time, they told me stories about his youth.  

    his father had abandoned him when he was toddler and then his mother abandoned him when he was 14. his youth was filled with bad luck fueled by poor decisions and a lack of education. no one knows for sure, but it seems he had multiple children with many women. it didn’t help that he apparently was a very good looking young man. my half-siblings were able to piece parts of his life together after meeting with the other half-siblings. so far, we have met with siblings from four more different mothers, 11 children with 6 women and this only the ones we know of.  

    about a year ago, when my daughter was 16, she asked about my father, her grandfather. I explained how I had been angry with my father for decades, and how unhealthy it was to hold such anger for so long.  

    it took 30 years after his passing, but I finally forgave him.

11. Took 2 years