My (18m) gf (18f) never initiates sex with me and its making me feel unattractive

10 comments

1. I’ve been married 20 years and I could count on one hand the number of times my wife has initiated sex with me.

   Believe me, most women do not initiate sex.

   If she is with you, she finds you attractive. Don’t read more into this.

2. Sounds like she has a low and/or reactive libido. She isn’t generally going to desire sex on her own. You can either not take that personally and recognize it has nothing to do with how attractive you are or you can break up because you two are incompatible. You tried the obvious thing of talking to her about it, and she made it clear she does not intend to change. While a sex therapist might be able to help you navigate this and find ways that work better for both of you, you’re quite young and so is this relationship, so I wouldn’t be inclined to put that much effort into the relationship.

   Although I would see how lightly she takes a relationship problem with you as a red flag. Not a red flag of abuse, but just a red flag of a bad relationship. You brought up a serious relationship problem, and she just brushes it off and ignores it. That’s not a promising sign for how the relationship is going to go.

3. Women do not initiate sex. Don’t be insecure

4. If she’s enthusiastic when YOU initiate, be happy with that. Many women don’t tend to initiate but are willing to enthusiastically participate when the guy initiates.

   It’s not that she’s not into you.

5. Bro she’s slept with you hundreds of times and you’re complaining?

   I’ve had this same talk with multiple partners, truth is even girls that are really down to screw whenever aren’t always with it at top of mind like men.

   She’s letting you take the lead and satisfied with it, go with it.

6. Most women dont initiate sex, and i say that as a woman myself. It has nothing to do with attractiveness, she finds you hot, I guess it’s some society issue, idk, most of us dont have that feature. It can be some shyness, maybe she’s not that self assured, maybe her sex drive isn’t as high as yours, it could be anything. But if she says yes when you initiate, there’s nothing to worry about

7. While it’s very true that many women don’t initiate sex, you also don’t have to just “deal with it” in a relationship. There are some things to think about before you have this conversation again.

   Have you explained to her WHY you’d like her to initiate more? If all you have done is ask her to do it more, or tell her to do it more, she might not get what this is doing to your confidence. Be vulnerable and tell her that you want to know she’s excited to have sex with you, and that when you always have to be the one to suggest it, it makes you wonder if she even likes it that much or wants it. Reassure her that you do not want her to feel like she has to have sex if she’s not feeling it, but that if she IS feeling it, you’d love it if she expressed that by coming on to you.

   Many people, but more women than men, have “reactive” libidos. Meaning, they just don’t feel the physical desire for sex until sex has been initiated by someone else. Her saying that she “forgets” to initiate is not her “not taking sex seriously”…she literally probably doesn’t think about it until you initiate, and then she’s like “oh, yeah, that sounds fun, let’s do it!” While you, an 18 year old dude, are probably thinking about sex and wanting sex a lot, whether she’s in front of you or not, whether you’re doing something boring and mundane, or exciting and fun, or sexy. So to you, it FEELS like she doesn’t initiate sex because she’s not attracted TO YOU, because if she was, she would think about it all the time like you do. Neither one of you is wrong, but you also can’t judge her libido on how yours operates. The fact that she’s always ready to go when you bring it up DOES mean she’s attracted to you – her brain just didn’t consider it an option until you brought it up. As a woman who is much older than 18, I can count on both hands the number of times I’ve gotten turned on randomly and then went to go find my partner. It just doesn’t happen that often when you have a reactive libido.

   Another thing to consider is the actual sex it’s self….for her. Be honest here, are you SURE she’s enjoying it? Is she having orgasms regularly? If she’s not, are you dedicated to listening to her to figure out how to do it more/better? Are you down to use any method of stimulation to help her get off? If the answer to ALL of these questions is NO, then I’d start there. If sex is something she’s only doing FOR you, not because she’s also getting something out of it for herself, then yeah, she’s only going to want to do it when you want to do it.

   Also…how often are you initiating? You might be running in to an issue where you want it more often than she does, so you’re always asking before she would spontaneously NEED to have sex again. If she’s more of a 2-3x a week person, and you’re initiating (and having sex) 4-6 times a week, she’d not going to get horny again BEFORE you get horny for her.

   All that being said, wanting her to initiate more often is not unreasonable. Dudes want to feel wanted too. Instead of having the same conversation again about wanting her to initiate, start off with asking her questions about her libido. Figure out if she’s someone with a reactive libido. Figure out if there’s stuff you could be doing that would make her want sex more. Ask her how often she would ideally want to have sex. Even knowing some of these answers might go a long way towards fixing your feelings of unattractiveness. In other words, stop making HER libido about YOU.

   It is reasonable to ask her to make initiating more often a priority for her. It’s probably never going to be equal, but it’s reasonable to ask for her to figure out how to increase it. Ask her for ideas on how you can help – example, backing off on you initiating so she has a chance to do it herself. And yes, sometimes she will just have to “fake it till you make it”. There are times when I have made the conscious decision to initiate sex NOT because I was horny in the moment, but because I knew it would make my partner happy. And to be clear, I’m not talking about faking enjoying sex with your partner, or faking pleasure. I’m literally talking about telling yourself “I know that I always enjoy sex with my partner, and if one of us started something I’d totally be down, so I will be the one to start it, even though my body is not currently turned on.”

   If you go through ALL of this, and nothing changes, or if she gets annoyed and angry with you for bringing it up, then you might just have to face the fact that you’re just not sexually compatible, and that she doesn’t really care that much about your feelings. But you’ve got a long way to go before you reach this conclusion.

8. Just tell her how much it turns you in when she initiates

9. There’s a thing called responsive sex drive. It describes people who only want sex when the other wants sex. These people aren’t exactly low libido but they also aren’t thinking about sex 24/7. It has little to do with how attractive their partner is.

   Also some people feel awkward initiating sex. Oh and some people need more emotional build up in order to feel turned on enough for sex. I know if I haven’t emotionally connected with my bf for awhile, my drive is barely there even though I find him plenty attractive. But looks aren’t enough to get me going.

10. I rarely initiate sex. Not because I don’t find my boyfriend incredibly sexy, but because he is usually in the mood more often than I am. And when that happens, he is very good at turning me on which in turn leads to sex. Our general sex life is great, neither of us have any complaints. So her not initiating doesn’t mean that she doesn’t find you attractive. But if you want her to initiate, you have to tell her. She might just be content with the way things are and doesn’t see the need to initiate as much.