Called the Cops on my GF

40 comments

1. People that manipulate their partners by threatening to kill themselves over an argument are awful.

   Don’t feel bad, she just wants attention, I’d be looking at holding her accountable for putting you in that position repeatedly over arguments.

2. Could be worse, cops could kill her. Don’t she has social worker?

3. Time to go no contact. This is mental manipulation and emotional abuse

4. You have to take every threat seriously. I suggest you look into some of the cluster B personalities and see if she falls into the Borderline category. If she does, you’ll have some good insight into how she operates.

   It can become too much to be held hostage by this behaviour. Develop exit strategies and remember that you are not responsible for her actions. It’s not ok for her to do this.

5. She’s already had one attempt and she expressed a plan which means she had thought about it. What if this was the time she would do it and you don’t take her serious?

6. That’s not healthy if I were you I’d drop here in a heartbeat as cold as that sounds. If she does follow through with slitting here wrists you could end up in potential legal trouble

7. You did the right thing. Maybe she wouldn’t have done anything, but maybe she would’ve.

   Hopefully this is a wake up call to firstly, stop using suicide as a threat and secondly, get the help that she desperately needs.

   This was a call for help, whether it was manipulation tactic toward you, or otherwise, you answered that call as best you knew how in that moment.

8. I understand you feel bad because you love her. However, you have to realize that what she’s doing is abuse. She’s manipulating you emotionally to get what she wants. She might turn everything around and blame all of this on you and try to make you feel horrible for causing all of this. But you didn’t. She did this to herself when she decided to make threats of harming herself. I truly truly hope you walk away from her soon!

9. As other people have said, this girl is manipulating you, wether she genuinely has a mental illness or not using it as a threat against someone is never okay.

   You did the right thing with regards to concern for her welfare, but maybe it’s time to think about ending this relationship.

10. Future you will thank you for ending this as soon as you reasonably can.

11. Check out the borderline personality disorder subs. You may get some insight there.
    But my advice to you is to break up and go no contact. She’s not managing herself or her illness well at all and it will eventually drag you down too.

12. So I was in a relationship for 3 years where the other person did this. They also cut their ex’s name into their forearm which…I don’t know why I didn’t leave was a stupid teen or something. But they would threaten it anytime something happened or we got into a disagreement. It was extremely taxing and I bet it’s even more for you than it was for me. She will keep doing this until your both out of each others lives and it is a serious threat. She needs help, and she needs to grow up. I’d think about moving on because she will do nothing but ruin your sanity.

13. I also have a history with suicidal thoughts and self harm, but I never threatened my partner with me killing myself because of an argument. I mean yes, there were times It wasn’t easy for me, but I then tried to explain what I was feeling and how he may have contributed to these feelings in order for both of us to grow.
    Maybe you could suggest therapy to her since I think you yourself can’t help her. This is nothing bad.
    I can understand that you don’t want to leave her, especially considering her emotional situation but don’t forget your own health. A situation like this can be harmful.

14. You did the right thing because you never know if a person is going to really do it. Especially since she has had a previous attempt.

15. This is a toxic relationship, OP. When her mental issues start affecting your own mental health, it’s time to end things.

16. Anyone would tell you to call the cops over this so I’m pretty sure ur good

17. She’s disgusting. That’s not something to joke about. Or to threaten someone with to get what you want. Time to leave! You deserve better

18. Dude end this relationship.

19. if she has BPD she 100% might actually do it. BPD people have especially hard time with break ups and suicide attempts are not uncommon. she could also be faking it to manipulate you… it’s best to err on the side of caution though. most suicides are spur of the moment, emotional decisions. not logical choices. cops in general are shit and the way they handle mental health is shit. idk. sounds like you both need some time apart. don’t feel guilty. take some time to reflect on what you want and what you are and aren’t willing to sacrifice. good luck.

    also for future reference it’s actually really hard to die by cutting your wrists. it only has about a 7% mortality rate. still not a chance most people would want to take with a life though

20. People who threaten suicide in arguments are abusive. Full stop. She does that to emotionally manipulate you into getting what she wants. This is 100% on her. If she threatens suicide, one of two things happens:

    1) She’s doing that to manipulate you and she needs consequences, just like she got. What a shitty thing to do to your partner. You need to recognize this is abuse because that’s absolutely what it is, and you need to LEAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP IMMEDIATELY.

    2) She is threatening suicide and actually means it, in which case she’s a danger to herself and she needs to have emergency medical intervention.

    At any rate, you need to leave this relationship. And if you find that you’re having trouble doing that, then you yourself need therapy because this isn’t what love looks like. This is what codependency looks like, and codependency is actively ruining your life. If this is codependency, then you are also very unhealthy and you need treatment. Regardless of what’s happening here, she is not healthy enough to be in a relationship and you need to get out of this situation. This is so very obviously abuse and manipulation and I can promise you that someone who loves you won’t do this. She doesn’t love you, she wants her way, and is willing to intentionally harm you emotionally to get what she wants. That’s not what love looks like. That just makes her a shitty abusive partner, and I’d recommend seeking professional help to learn what healthy relationships and love actually looks like.

21. So you feel like you did something wrong for reporting this? How would you feel if she actually did something and died? You are in a no win situation, that’s unfair. You did the best thing when left with nothing but bad choices.

22. She’s unfortunately a terrible person.

23. Where the fuck do you live that the police haul someone away who is mentally I’ll in handcuffs. I live in the US and in my county the cops and sherif do not do this unless the person has become violent toward them. They have specialists who help them to remove the person for evaluation. Calling an ambulance would be better if the municipality doesn’t have better protocols. Jeez. Rant done.
    You did the right thing.
    Can you call her work and tell them she is sick and try to cover for her? Bosses I know would be okay with this but idk her situation. You will be able to see and talk to her soon. I hope she gets the helps she needs and you are able to continue to foster your own mental health and do what is best for yourself. You can always support her and be there for her knowing that you two will eventually part ways. When she gets into counseling and you are involved let the therapist know your intentions about breaking up and they will help you both to find a solution.
    Good luck.

24. My ex boyfriend who was a drug addict would do this too. I also had to call the cops on him at 2am when he one day threatened to take a deadly dose of fentanyl. He lived in a senior home with his mom so it felt pretty shitty knowing the noise the cops would’ve probably made. Long story short, I left him. Aside from everything, he was a great guy. I just couldn’t take the idea that one day I might cause him to Kill himself. Then I realized, it was just a way for him to get what he wanted. Please OP, stay away from her. It’s not good for your own mental health in the long run

25. Someone give me some nuance if there is any, but it seems like the 2 options are that her threat was serious or she’s manipulating you. Either way, your reaction was perfect. You were there when the cops were, you didn’t just call from your couch.

26. You did the right thing. A suicide threat should be taken seriously.

    Now if she was lying just to make you feel guilty or get attention? That heinous behaviour on her part. So many people make attempts out of misery or desperation, if she’s cheapening that by lying about that’s truly terrible of her.

    Incidentally, I think you know that a relationship in which one person holds another hostage by threat of suicide is not a healthy one – it’s bad for *both* of your mental healths. She’s manipulating you, and you’re enabling her.

27. While she is in the hospital, block and delete. She is not mentally healthy enough to be in a relationship, and you don’t need this drama in your life.

28. Is your gf amber heard?

29. Check out the message board here on relationship parters w BPD.
    https://www.bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php

30. Yes I could see how everyone on here are pointing to emotional abuse. HOWEVER..hear me out…I used to be like this at one point. I didn’t used to threaten my boyfriend to kill myself after arguments, but I would very very very strongly feel like it to the point where I would go to the kitchen and look for knives or a few times I had to call the suicide hotline, I even started reckless driving so maybe I could get hurt. I knew I would never go through with it, but there was potential to do some serious damage. My boyfriend knew arguments made me feel that way.

    At the time our couples therapist also suggested that I was being manipulative and emotionally abusive.

    Fast forward a few years and after intense individual therapy I found out that I am bipolar ii, which is commonly triggered by relationship conflict and is a huge, huge trigger for me. After steady medication and therapy I no longer feel like this way after normal arguments or disagreements…and if I do I keep it to myself and deal with it.

    That’s all to say that maybe your girlfriend is struggling with something much deeper and she doesn’t see the harm she is causing to herself and you.

    My boyfriend stayed patient for four years as I got therapy and worked on myself. However it did take a toll on him so if you do choose to support her then I’d say be sure to draw healthy boundaries and have your own support system, maybe even therapy.

31. How can you be so sure she doesn’t do it again if she already has tried to kill herself?

32. You did the right thing. She was telling you she had a suicide plan and was intending to act on it. You called for the help and she is now in hospital receiving the care she needs. I know it is a horrible thing to have to do but it was the only thing to do in that situation.
    I can only imagine how hard it would be to not have communication with her but that decision would have been made with her best interests in mind.
    It could be helpful to take this time to focus on really looking after yourself by doing things that energize you and foster good mental health. You will need to be in the best place possible psychologically for when she is discharged and needing your support again.
    It could also be useful to look into services that could assist in her care later on for example psychosocial supports.
    Dont take on the burden of care alone build a team, share the load and give yourself a pat on the back for all you know you saved her life.

33. If she doesn’t mean it when she threatens to kill herself she is even worse because then she just uses that to manipulate you! Get. Away. From. Her. She won’t stop this behaviour. You will never get your way.
    When you break up with her she will threaten again. Hopefully via text so you can show the police.

    And whatever happens. It is not your fault. But please get away from her.

34. I’m going to be a bit more forthright, and partially it is due to my own bias so I apologise for that, but I think you need to hear it.

    Dude. As someone who was in your exact situation three years ago today, I can tell you, get the fuck out right now.
    This is, plain and simple, emotional manipulation. Her intent doesn’t matter, whether she is doing it consciously or unconsciously. It doesn’t matter what you think of her, whether she is a good person or not. What matters is that she is not good for you.
    As someone else has already commented, you need to look into the possibility of BPD, as she is displaying symptoms of it. That being said, neither myself nor you (I’m assuming) are psychologists, and we can’t diagnose her. But research it and feel like if some of those things relate to who she is.

    You are not her carer and you are not responsible for her mental health. I cannot stress this enough. A healthy relationship is not codependent.

    I can imagine the distress and heart stopping panic you get when she threatens self harm or suicide. It’s overwhelming, and you feel obligated to drop everything and get to her. But you can’t keep dropping everything for her. You can’t pause your life every time you have an argument because youre worried she might take her life.

    It wears on you hard, it’s emotionally draining and damaging to be in a situation like this. Further more, you begin to walk on egg shells, you feel like you can’t confront her or disagree with her, because you’ve been conditioned to experience emotional distress every time you do.

    If she’s in hospital the time to break up with her is now and cut all contact. She’s got the support around her to get her through the breakup. She won’t change and you won’t be able to change this behaviour, because one of three things will happen when you argue;

    1) you continue to enable this behaviour and she’ll continue to do it so you feel trapped and can’t leave her, because if you do, you think she’ll commit suicide.

    2) you try to stop this by not going to her and she actually does hurt herself, making you feel worse and further entrenching you in the relationship.

    3) you don’t go to her, she doesn’t do anything, but you become the villain, the uncaring boyfriend who doesn’t care about her mental health.

    This doesn’t end well for you. She won’t change unless she brings about that change herself. Please save yourself and get the fuck out of this relationship.

    I know this sounds dramatic and divisive. Especially because for most health relationships, you work through and communicate on the problems within it. But this is not healthy, and you need to look out for yourself first.

    I wish the best for you OP. Take care of yourself, please.

35. You need to leave her and seek therapy for yourself.

    This is an abusive relationship. Nobody should put their partner in a state of fear and stress by threatening suicide.

36. If she comes out and says, “Thank you. I understand why you called and I really appreciate what you did” then that’s cool and you two may have a future.

    If she comes out and is like, “You son of a bitch! HOW DARE YOU!! If you ever do that again I’ll fucking kill you!!” Then you should probably be planning your exit strategy

37. You either saved someone’s life or stopped an abuser.

    There is no option that makes you a bag guy here

38. If she does this often she may have BPD. While they often have suicidal ideation, they mostly don’t intend to follow through on threats HOWEVER they are 5x more likely to try than the general population.

39. OP ask yourself this: if you hadn’t called for help and she did actually hurt herself wouldn’t you feel even worse?

    Obviously your GF has mental health issues and it is good that she is/was seeking help with her issues, but she appears to need more help and hopefully she will now get more help. I have had to be a party to a family member being forced into a mental health care facility and I know it is a difficult situation to be in. But you did the best thing you could do with the information and resources you had available at the time.

40. If she would genuinely attempt suicide at any point, you are right to do what you did even if you don’t think it would happen this time. When it’s to the point of a person talking about it, they need help.

    If you think she was just trying to get a reaction out of you, I want you to take a step back from the situation and consider how she’s making you feel. If the roles were reversed, would you be right to do this to her?

    In either case, your arguments are causing negativity and destruction for each other. Give yourself some time to consider whether this relationship is something you should be doing right now. From this post and no other information, it does not sound like it’s good for either of you.