TL:DR: My bf had his first night shift as a nurse so I had a lot of time alone, and I feel amazing today, and more awake than I have in months.
I want to preface that this is not my bf’s issue. He would have absolutely no problem with me taking some alone time every day.
I am known as somewhat of a hermit. Growing up especially I was always tucked away in my room. I do enjoy being alone but I’m the oldest of six children. The house was always too chaotic for me with all of them running around and yelling, my dad coming home and screaming at everyone, my mom exhausted for obvious reasons. And on top of that the entire downstairs floor is painted bright yellow. And I mean bright yellow.
So if I could help it, I didn’t come out of my room. I came out to eat and do chores. I never really developed an intimacy with my family, though I do love them.
Fast forward to four years ago, I meet a guy at work who is my supervisor. Long story short, he doesn’t “drain my gas tank.” I could spend endless hours with him without having to recharge. I’ll admit that before we started dating, we locked down together during COVID, and I got a little codependent. So again, my issue. He had a habit of not staying in one place for too long so I felt like I needed to spend every second I could with him bc I felt like I’d wake up one day and he’d be gone.
Well fast forward again to today. We’ve been dating for a year and a half. Living together since 2020. His daughter (6) is like my own, I love and adore her so much. His daughter’s mom is intense but lovely and she’s bought me presents and welcomed me in as her daughter’s bonus mom. His family supports me and cheers me on even harder than my own. They really have become my little family in a very intimate way and I finally understand actually being scared to lose someone, because I’ve never been scared of that before.
Because I’ve never had this kind of relationship and it’s all so new to me, even though I’m no longer codependent, I still spend all my time with my bf and his daughter. Which is easy bc we live in a one bedroom apartment currently. I love it, I don’t want to miss time with them.
Yesterday, my bf had his first night shift as a nurse. I was supposed to do math homework and laundry but I decided to just chill and take advantage of the night. Played some Zelda, ate some food, cuddled with our puppy. I didn’t think too much of it but today I feel amazing. I struggle to wake up and I woke up immediately today and only hated the world about 62% instead of 110%. I’ve been doing really well at work today.
So I’m thinking that having regular time to myself is vital to me. But I don’t know how to make that time. I like being home alone, but I’m never home alone because I work 7-5 and on weekends, we have his daughter. What do I do? How do I do this? I want to be the best partner I can, especially now that I’m in school again.
6 comments
Introverts tend to recharge at home and when alone best. I think that’s all which may be going on. Look it up and you’ll see, it’s perfectly normal. I am glad you recognized this about yourself, because now you know how to recharge yourself better. It’s nothing bad about you or your relationship, promise. Best of luck!
To be honest… Your post is well constructed and you seem to have a good understanding of everything. We get a ton of people here who are blind to their relationship dynamics and own personality. You’re not. That’s great.
This is a more promising post than what we see on here.
Relationship sounds like its in a great state with positive direction and this should be a breeze to incorporate into your relationship.
Having a portion of your life cut out just for you, is great for mental health. Your bf who is a nurse, will probably be able to wrap his head around that.
Start by opening the conversation up. I am sure he will work out a solution with you.
If he is working regular nights and you are working days then finding alone time will be a lesser concern since free time will happen organically because of your schedules being out of alignment. That should be your focus because finding quality time will become difficult, especially if your days off do not match.
You already have a really clear idea of what you want and your boyfriend will probably be supportive, so you’re way ahead of the game! Just try out a few different ways to have that time to yourself and see what fits in best. Do you have to be in your home alone or can you get the same feeling by taking a walk around the neighborhood or going to a coffee shop? Don’t be afraid to try a few things!
Also, six years old should be old enough to understand that people need some time to themselves. Just because you have a kid on the weekends doesn’t mean you need to sacrifice 100% of your alone time. I have friends with kids younger than that who understand that when they feel overwhelmed one of their options is to go sit quietly in their room until they feel more regulated and ready to rejoin the rest of the family. They understand that sometimes grownups need that time too. You might not be able to leave the house or have super long stretches of time, but you can absolutely take a few minutes to yourself even when she is there.
I understand the FOMO of not wanting to miss time with your family. But there’s a quality vs quantity issue at play as well. If the options are that you spend a whole 10 hour Saturday with your family while you’re feeling anxious, stressed, and tired, or that you only spend 9 hours with them where you feel more rested, content, and present, it’s better for *everyone* that you spend that 1 hour recharging (assuming that your boyfriend or someone else is doing the child care). Make sure you fill your own cup first and then it will be much easier for you share with your family.
I very much relate to this! I too live with my bf and we have his 13 year old daughter that we have 50/50 with her mom. We live in a 2 bed 1 bath house. I am very much introverted and although I love them, when he’s at work and she’s not here I love it. I don’t do anything in particular – read, listen to music, Netflix, clean, hang with the dog- but I very much recharge being alone. My bf has a crazy work schedule and daughter is only here 50/50 so it just naturally works out where I have a couple nights alone to myself… but if I didn’t, I’d definitely be asking for it.
All this to say- there is NOTHING to feel bad about- sounds like you’ve always been an introvert and this is just naturally the way you recharge. That’s fine!
I don’t even know if I’d tell bf right up front that you need the space right now- after all it sounds like he landed a new job, new schedule so you might just naturally get that alone time. But if not, I would definitely speak up and tell him something along the lines of- you love him and his daughter but you also treasure your alone time and would love to get more of it. 🙂
I can tell you what worked for me.
I’m a _serious_ introvert, and for a while I was working helpdesk, meaning I had to interact with people for most of my day.
So when I got home? I’d take a bath, spending an hour or two in there alone, _explicitly_ not doing anything productive. (ish. I’d take my laptop so I could still chat with my wife.)
Initially this caused some conflict, until she realized the difference between coming home and doing so, and coming home and _not_ doing so.
Given your schedule, two hours doesn’t look feasible during the week, but I suspect even half an hour of _nothing_ would help. And an hour or so a day on the weekends.