My (F27) boyfriend (M27) took away his offer to let me move in with him. I feel betrayed

47 comments

1. Sorry OP, but it sounds as if he’s having doubts.

2. Honestly, he probably just re-thought about it.

   Moving in together so early isn’t usually a great idea anyway. You haven’t even been together 1 year. It’s okay to be disappointed that he flip-flopped, but I wouldn’t assume he is cheating or anything.

   Maybe ask him again if there is anything wrong in the relationship or any other reason he changed his mind.

3. Sorry OP. The signs are not good even if he wants to stay together now. I would seriously ask you to think about whether this is your perfect relationship before you dive in too deep.

   Do you get any signs to think he may want to leave you if you give him longer?

   You should want to be together every step of the way from start to finish.

4. I’m not sure I’d break up, you’re still very new into the relationship. I would, however need more clarity around why he’s suddenly has doubts before I commit to more time. He should be able to tell you what changed.

5. Breaking up after moving in can get messy and complicated. People generally need space after a breakup. But you looking for new housing can be a drag, and he is not going to move out of his own house.

   Also, will you be paying rent if you move in?

6. > that could easily sustain 2 adults and 1 child.

   So which one of you has a kid?

   You haven’t been dating for 11 months *already*. You’ve *only* been dating for 11 months. Moving in together is a very big step. Some people treat it quite casually, but frankly it’s as significant a relationship step as an engagement, if not more so.

7. Making an offer like this, apparently without thinking it through, and THEN taking is back is a bad sign about him imo. I wouldn’t assume he’s cheating, but he shouldn’t have brought it up until he was sure. I would want more explanation from him about why he’s rethinking this.

8. I do think moving in together after a year of dating is a big quick in general, so it isn’t too weird that he wants to wait. I think the main issue here is that he offered it and flip flopped and isn’t offering more reassurance to you that he just wants more time in his own space, etc.

9. oof this is a tricky one. I’ve seen this before and it may end in a breakup.

   Take things slower on the back of this 100%. Do not jump feet first into the next move. Give yourself time to think and that may be weeks not days before you decide on what you want to do. Clearness of mind first

10. It’s still new. Moving in is a big deal and if you guys break up it’s very hard trust me! He prolly wants to wait some time to save up and also make sure u guys are still going strong. Moving in changes a lot during a relationship and changes even ur every day routine

11. im sorry that he pulled this out from under you, but 11 months isnt long enough to be moving in together in my mind. Is it doable, certainly, and lots of people have, but i think thats still a fairly young relationship to be tying your lives together that much quite yet.

12. You’ve not been dating for very long, it’s fair that he’s having doubts about living together. That’s a HUGE step and people forget that. Don’t be upset or angry at him, he’s just being practical and thinking things through. When people move in together too early, the relationship crumbles. But, if you wait, (which is what he said! He gave you a timeline too, which is awesome!) you’re more likely to work better with your partner.

    Don’t take it personally. He’s not doing this because he doesn’t like you, he’s just taking his time and wants to live in his own space until he’s ready. Stop trying to pry at him too, it’ll just make him more uncomfortable/resentfuland it’ll make you look like you’re bullying him into saying yes.

    This is a really awesome opportunity for you both to learn about each other, your needs, and where you’re at in the relationship together. That’s great!

    Good luck!

13. It sounds like he may have lost that loving feeling, because the abrupt switch is odd and he won’t tell you fully why. If he continues to refuse to tell you why, it’s time to move on

14. Sounds to me like is is unsure of his level of commitment to you.

15. I definitely wouldn’t take kindly to his making the offer, then changing his mind, but waiting for you to bring the issue back up to voice it. It’s evident he’s thought about regretting asking you in the first place, and him not having any answer still is a red flag to me. He wants more time? Moving too fast? Valid reasons that he should be able to point to. Especially since this was his offer in the first place. If he doesn’t want to answer you then (imo just from Reddit history) it sounds like there’s other offers he’s interested in pursuing or you’ve now become a placeholder and moving in would limit his openness to elsewhere.

16. I had this exact scenario play out (except we were moving into my place), and we’re married now. I don’t know your guy, but mine is impulsive while I’m a planner. When I said I wanted to move in together, it was because I’d thought it through and meant it. When he said it, it was because he loved the idea in the moment. Then at some point reality sunk in and he felt like it was too fast and it took him awhile to work up the courage to tell me because he hates confrontation and anything confrontation adjacent. We learned a ton about each other through the conversations that came from that situation. We didn’t move in together that year, and it was 100% the right decision, for what that’s worth. I wouldn’t look at it as a definite death sentence, but it is an opportunity to learn more about each other and practice navigating rough seas together.

17. Like a lot of others have said, 11 months really isn’t all that long, especially when you’re talking about taking a step as big as living together. That’s not a step you can usually move backwards from without completely ending the relationship and you should both be 100% sure before doing something so big. I wouldn’t jump right to suspecting him of cheating, and if his stance changed abruptly it’s likely the seriousness and reality of moving in together soon hit him and he panicked a little. Doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed or over, you’re just not both ready yet, and that’s fine, as long as you can be patient. My gf and I had casually floated the idea of moving in together a few times but didn’t feel fully ready until recently, after over 2 years together. There’s no set timeline for these things, it’s whenever both people are ready and excited that it should happen.

18. Is there a child involved?

19. He likes the current arrangement.

20. Or maybe his waiting for an ex to appear. JK but really it’s not a simple thing to move with a partner and maybe he just wants to make sure a year has passed before he moves in with you and what’s with the hurry?

21. “11 months already”

    11 months is NOTHING. Your relationship is young. Your boyfriend is being sensible, I think. Don’t take it personally.

22. Your story was great. But just because he told no.. you want to break up

    Really? Are you guys mature enough?

23. babe. find a man who is sure about you. that’s so shitty and im really sorry that happened because i can imagine how painful that conversation must have been to have. the fact that he revoked it and didnt want to provide any kind of reassurance that he is sure about you , imo, means he’s keeping you as a placeholder because he doesn’t see you as his forever person anymore. or he has major doubts that he recently picked up on. or even his friends/family or social media couldve influenced him a certain way. a million possibilities but for sure, not someone you want to move in with any time soon and honestly 11 months is soooo early to move in with someone. we get so caught up in our feelings when we love someone but i personally think you should wait at least a year or 2 before moving in with someone

24. Can you answer whether one of you has a child or not? That’s honestly pretty relevant here and you vaguely indicated a child could have space with him, but it’s not clear why you brought that up.

25. His consent can be withdrawn at any point. He doesn’t need to explain. He made a choice for him, now you can make a choice for you and decide if moving in right now is a deal breaker or not.

26. To be honest less than a year is soon. Maybe he’s just realised that? I think jumping to conclusions about cheating or something is premature. It’s perfectly normal to say something in the heat of the moment and then, when you’ve thought about things with more time and rationality have a different perspective. I’ve been in the same situation myself but the other way around! My boyfriend was due to move in in February and I’d agreed, but then realised I needed more time to arrange things with my flat and make sure I was totally comfortable- I love him 100%, I just needed the time to get used to the idea of the huge change. And we’ve been together for 3 years!

    Ask yourself if you (both) might rushing things and he might just be feeling a bit of pressure and overwhelmed. Particularly when you’re talking about kids etc. after only 11 months.

    Take it slow, let him get more used to the idea and it should eventually just naturally happen when you’re both comfortable.

27. So one important rule for relationships is that it’s important for people to have room to have doubts.

    It’s okay if he has doubts. It’s okay if this is just cold feet before a major move, and it’s okay if it’s that he’s got some larger questions in his mind. 11 months might be *a little* early to move in together at 27, but that’s not necessarily a problem or the cause here.

    But … that doesn’t absolve him of the responsibility to communicate clearly about where he is and what’s changed.

    It’s important to not attack him when you have this conversation. You’re trying to create a safe space where he can talk about his fears and concerns – even if those concerns are, “Hey, you do X, Y, and Z a lot, and I don’t know how I feel about that.”

    You want a situation where he can say that, and you can have a healthy conversation about the role X, Y, and Z play in your life, and it’s a conversation where you both understand each other better afterwards. But that doesn’t happen if his pullback causes you to go on the warpath.

    (I watched a friend of mine do this, twice. She was in hurry to get married and when the guys in question felt the pressure, they pulled back, which is only normal. And that pullback caused her to get angry at them – and that anger made them pull back more, and things quickly ends.)

    But because he’s been saying, “You’ll move in this summer,” for a while, now, he does owe you an explanation of why he’s changed his mind, what his concerns are. And he’s not allowed to dodge. It’s your job to listen when he explains himself, and you can ask clarifying questions but you have to do your best not to get upset or have a major emotional reaction (obviously being disappointed is fine!) so that this is a safe place for you two to talk about something difficult.

28. He has doubts and that’s absolutely normal. It’s better now than when you move in. It seems like you want a fairy tale with him head over heels for you. That’s not real life.

29. My(28f) fiancé (28m) proposed after 4 months and moved in 2 months later. He’s been here 3 months now. It’s not easy, but we make it work. I will say, we dated in High School 11 years ago. He was my first love. We kinda just picked up where we left off, plus some extra flavor (maturity) from the years apart. I think if you know, you know. However, everyone’s timeline is different.
    That said, I do find it odd he is having doubts about you moving in. Not necessarily cheating, though not saying he isn’t. 11 month, while not forever, is still an investment in someone. Especially at our age. Personally, I would have a serious conversation with him. If he can’t be upfront and open in communicating what will the rest of your relationship look like? You also state you only have one hobby in common. Maybe you’re not as compatible as you thought. You wouldn’t mention it if it wasn’t a problem. I dated a guy for 3 years and we barely had anything in common. It became more evident as the years went on that I was looking at the situation with rose colored glasses.
    So my advice:
    1. think about the long term. Do you honestly see a future with him?
    2. If yes, ask him to communicate. And if he doesn’t, that’s not a good sign. Communication is key in a relationship, even if communicating is hard and frustrating. Leaving your partner questioning like he is to you now isn’t a good sign.

    Best of luck to you

30. You have options too. Duck this flaky mother Tucker.

    Dad.

31. This just happened to me about a month ago. Bf of a year, he brought up moving in and we agreed to do so. He was very active in planning how it would work, figuring out our leases, etc. for about three weeks after that conversation. Suddenly one day he started acting cagey about the planning, I asked him if he still wanted to move in and he said yes of course he did, but there was “no rush.” Three hours later he said he wanted to talk and said he was having second thoughts about moving in and launched into a 30 minute monologue in which he essentially talked himself into breaking up with me. Obviously had been having some (unvoiced to me, though he told me in this excruciating conversation that he’d talked to his friends who told him he’d be an idiot to break up with me) doubts about our relationship before then, but he seemingly hadn’t made a concrete decision until that moment.

    It sucked big time and I felt very blindsided and am still very hurt, but I’m glad that he revealed himself to be such a bad communicator and so wishy-washy before we moved in, because clearly that would not have worked in the end. When you move in with someone you have to communicate obsessively about everything without having the option to decamp to “your place,” so you better have a good foundation for that first.

    I don’t know the answer to your situation, but from my experience moving in can be a major inflection point and if a guy can’t see a future with you at this point (and 11 months at age 27 *is* a long time despite what commenters on here are saying–and a year is a pretty average timeframe to move in based on my friends in a similar age bracket in a couple major cities) and can’t communicate his thoughts/doubts, especially the uncomfortable ones, that is important info to know. It would be one thing if he were able to articulate some reason that he was now worried about moving in specifically, but assured you that he saw you two together in the long run and wanted to take this step, but for whatever specific reasons (relating to his own fears, his desire to have just a little more time with an apartment that he can keep as messy as he wants, even his belief that moving costs will be lower in 6 months) just wanted to wait. That’s not your situation, and I think you need to think about this a lot before committing another 6 months to this guy.

32. Well my best friends “boyfriend” acted the same way and not even a week after she moved in with him he cheated on her. So yeah, red flags.

33. You shouldn’t move in together that early in a relationship

34. I know you’re probably feeling hurt, but I think it’s a huge sign of maturity that he was honest and said he wasn’t ready yet. Your relationship is still pretty new, and I think moving in together is something that shouldn’t be taken as lightly as some do.

    I don’t think he’s cheating or that he doesn’t have feelings for you, he just needs more time. Please don’t take it too personally. Give it a chance.

35. Moving in after less than a year imo is pretty quick – he could have said it out of excitement but after getting used to living alone probably rethought things.

    However, him not giving you a good reason is really suspicious imo like it probably isn’t the reason I said due ti how he’s acting

36. Be thankful he told you now as opposed to letting you move in and not feeling it.

37. Someone probably talked some sense into him.

    You have been dating a very short time.

38. I would give him time to work this out. I think that it’s healthy that he realizes he’s not ready yet instead of just pushing forward regardless. It sounds like he’s not quite ready to talk about it perhaps because he has concerns but doesn’t want to voice them yet because of the fear that it might make something out of nothing. It just sounds like he needs more time and reassurance to see that the relationship is going well. With that said because things have changed, I too would want a conversation about why. Since he can’t have that conversation yet I would put it on the back burner but bring it up in about a month or so.

    One thing I didn’t understand is you say that you want a dream relationship. I must admit that I don’t know any long-term healthy and happy relationships that have not had some fairly significant bumps in the road. The bumps in the road are not the big deal, life will always give you bumps in the road. The thing that matters is how you deal with them. Him not being able to talk about this is an issue. But that’s why I would bring it up again later and go from there.

39. “I’m uncomfortable and feel like we’re moving too fast.”
    “I made the offer without thinking it through, and now that I have I’m not really sure.”
    “I’m enjoying living by myself and want to keep doing that for a while.”

    These are all acceptable reasons for why he doesn’t want you to move in with him. You’ve been dating less than a year, it’s okay for him to have second thoughts.

    The thing that isn’t okay is not communicating. He might be trying to not hurt your feelings, so you need to be ready to hear what he has to say. You don’t have to like his reasons, but you do have to accept them. Whether or not that changes your relationship is up to you.

40. You need to have another heart to heart talk with him. And pay no attention to comments saying “11 months is too soon”. Every relationship is different and you and your bf should do what feels right when the time comes. My friend moved in with her partner 8 months in. Heck there have been couples who’ve gotten married after 11 months (the statistics are lower, but my point being, your timing here is fine).

    Do not be afraid to tell him how you feel! If he wants the relationship to continue, he needs to pay attention to YOUR feelings too and articulate clearly why he changed his mind.

    Good luck 🤞

41. >a nice cozy and small appartement in that could easily sustain 2 adults and 1 child.

    What in interesting way to describe an apartment you could be moving into with your boyfriend of 11 months.

    How shortly after you describing his new home purchase as a great place to raise a kid did he start to backtrack?

42. Look, at 27 he should be grown up enough to think it through before he invites you to move in with him. You’re not children, you’re adults and have been for a while. I don’t suggest that you axe the relationship on this alone, but he owes you a well reasoned explanation for making the invitation only to renege, and frankly to wait for you bring it up before he manned up to tell you.

    At 27, I don’t think 11 months is too early to move in together, but (at 27) you should only contemplate moving in if you’ve already discussed if marriage/life partnership is on the table and if you’re on the same page on that issue.

43. Has he lived with people before outside family? It will totally change your relationship, for better or worse. And it’s hard to loose the ability to do whatever, whenever.

    Maybe he has weird habits. Likes alone time. That can be hard to talk about.

    I don’t agree with people saying a year is too soon to move in. I’ve lived with several boyfriends after less than a year. I moved in with my now husband after just a few months – it was easier bc he owned the house so no lease pressure.

    But everyone is different.

44. I’m sorry OP but you’re getting some terrible band wagoning in this thread. “Less than a year” Jesus Christ and in 4 weeks it would be any different? They’re in their late 20s. These aren’t kiddos in their second year of college. “Live alone until you’re married”???????? Wtaf

    OP, it’s up to you. Frankly I would feel betrayed as well considering that is a lot at stake. Did you not sign a lease for your own place because this was the agreement? I would also feel like the rug was pulled under me. He has his reasons, but it’s also your decision if you want this arrangement as well. A conversation will be key. I hope all is well

45. Did you tell him you thought it would be a good spot for a kid? Because that could scare him away.

46. A lot of people sais moving in is a big thing. It’s not true. If a guy cannot be sure after 11 month, he can’t be sure for 21 months either. You will just waste your time being with someone either 1) don’t like you enough to make you move on; 2) someone who doesn’t serious about building a relationship and a family

47. OP you feeling betrayed is exactly why he has changed his mind . Let me explain . You are too intense . Why would him wanting to keep his safe space aka his new home to himself for a bit a bad thing ? Maybe he thought about it and he isn’t ready to make such a big commitment and that’s ok . He probably had a long talk with his mom/family and he probably realized that he would rather wait and he doesn’t want to hurt your feelings. Just you stating you want a fairy tale relationship tells me that you have unrealistic expectations. You are dating . You are figuring out if you are compatible and finding out new things about each other on a daily basis . Living together is a big decision because you are basically giving up your personal space and privacy . He is buying his first home that’s a huge change in his life give him time to take it all in. This doesn’t mean he doesn’t love you it just means he wants to continue to know you better before making decisions that will change his daily life. I don’t see a betrayal . Every relationship is different and moves at a different pace. He is in all his right to change his mind. He might feel this is all too intense right now and wants to slow it down . Now he should have just explained it to you . You are in all your right to leave the relationship if you don’t agree with his perspective and aren’t happy. The mature thing is to have open communication but no one is perfect . No relationship is perfect . Changing his mind isn’t shameful it’s a sign that he is growing/ maturing and that he is brave enough to make his perspective known. Good luck .