If You’re a Man Who Uses the Silent Treatment

32 comments

1. **Please do not delete your submission.**

   Your submission has been flagged for moderator review. Please be patient. If you do not see your post published within 48 hours the moderators have decided to not publish it.

   If/when your thread is approved and it runs its course, instead of deleting it, **you can simply type “!lock” (without the quotes) as a comment anywhere in your thread to have our Automod lock the thread**. That way you won’t be bothered by anymore replies on it, but people can still read it.

   *I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please [contact the moderators of this subreddit](/message/compose/?to=/r/AskMenOver30) if you have any questions or concerns.*

2. emotional immaturity, for punishment, control

3. I don’t give the “silent treatment” as in I’ll respond to questions and still go about the day. But if I’m processing something I’ll be less talkative. It has nothing to do with the woman. I’m just spending energy thinking/processing and forget to talk as much. I’m basically living in my head more.

4. Then your a woman.

5. If ever I’m being silent and distant, it is purely because I need space and personal time. Not for any other reason.

6. If someone is doing that deliberately thats immature and manipulative

   However i would like to add that, im autistic and occasionally in tense emotional situations i can kind of ‘shut down’ which could be perceived as ‘silent treatment’ but its really very different … its hard to explain but its kind of like, freezing because my brain is processing things … its not something that im choosing to do to illicit a reaction from the other person … its my own reaction to being overwhelmed

   idk whether thats relevant to your situation without more details but i thought i would share that

7. [deleted]

8. Most men tend to need time to process what has happened or is going to. It could take a few moments or days. It could also be because he just doesn’t know how to respond, this could be what is called silent treatment.

   Others may not know how to manage their feelings; they could be experiencing significant pain and feel emotionally overwhelmed.

   However, if you’re referring to deliberately punishing you by intentionally withdrawing from an interaction it’s actually emotionally abusive. It can also be passive aggressive, trying to trigger you.

   Don’t personalize it. If you take it personally, you end up feeling worse, making it about you, and the other person doesn’t have to take any of the blame or responsibility.

9. I used it when I was upset but I wanted my SO to pick up on it and ask me about it, rather than me having to say what the problem was. It’s immature and indirect, and I can’t explain why I want that in those moments.

10. I’m just not a talker. I don’t like talking to anyone.

11. you know what you did

12. When I do it, it’s because I’ve already explained 5 times and I’m exhausted. Also when the person is being toxic I just removed myself from the convo. Love has nothing to do with it, you get what you deserve.

13. There’s a few reasons why I think guys (and women) use the silent treatment:

    * Feeling overwhelmed, not knowing what to say, or feeling that whatever you say is going to be “wrong” so it’s easier to simply stay silent.
    * Needing personal space or quiet time to process something, with the intent of reconnecting later.
    * Passive-aggressiveness, aka “weaponized silence”

14. I dont necessarily have an anger problem, as I’m pretty chill and not much bothers me. When I do get angry tho I have a hard time not being overly angry. I know myself and it’s best if I just do the silent treatment, rather then blowing up and being uncontrollably too mean

15. What is the “silent treatment”?

16. It depends on the situation. If I feel anything I say at the time will not make a difference or add fuel to the fire, I keep my stupid mouth shut. Also, if I know I am in a emotional state and likely to say something I will regret later I will stop talking. So long as those feelings remain out of control the lips remain closed. I will also avoid triggers which include being in the presence of the other person, text messages, calls etc.

    In short, don’t push a quiet man. You may not like the result.

17. Jeez, my father is notorious for this. Both his 1st and his 2nd wife have stories of him going silent for weeks on them. I hadn’t really experienced it directly (he was a good loving dad to us) until the last few years as we’re now adults. It was awful – we were on a vacation and he misinterpreted a situation, shut my sister and I out entirely with no explanation. We had no idea why. He met us for our reserved dinner then acted like we were invisible. Wouldn’t speak to us. He actually turned his back and walked 10 ft away while I was asking him a light question. He wouldn’t answer his phone or respond. (We were on a cruise together so it was notable)

    I finally broke him down and got to the bottom of it. When he was chilled out again we spoke of it, he admitted he fully aware of his behavior. Seems it’s his little way of punishing others. I’ve known him to smirk a little when he’d done it to others. He’s got a little mean streak it seems.

    He’s too old to change at this point, and I do love him dearly, just grateful my sister and I didn’t adopt that trait of his!

    I’ve never known a better master of this silent technique.

18. I tend to do it if I ultimately decide that speaking will not help the situation, or if there are no words I can say that won’t be kinda mean. I also think its good to let the strong emotions die down before speaking or analyzing a situation, as that will lead to clouded judgment and regret. Everyone says they want honesty but some people just genuinely arent ready for honesty, and plus, I can’t handle my own self criticism when I speak out of irritation anyway. People can look down at that all they want, but honestly, people should shut up more. There’s no need to hyper analyze everything that ever happens through talking in my opinion. It seems like a lot of people just talk endlessly in circles about nothing-burgers when they could just move on and move forward and forget about it.

19. In the heat of a big argument I’d much rather say nothing than say something hurtful and mean.

20. I hope to not say anything that will lead to more fighting and saying something I can’t take back.

21. OP trolling for content?

22. Did that as a teenager to people I disliked. Can’t imagine doing it as an adult unless I feel powerless and conversations are useless

23. This is a good question. I call it a stonewalling in my relationship. And it’s 💯 non-productive.

    I’m punishing her. In my mind, she fucked up and my silence is fueled by righteousness. Righteousness in its many forms (usually religious) is never helpful. What’s required is for me to let go of my righteousness and sit down with her to discuss the issue without getting re-triggered. .

24. Sometimes I’ll get really quiet and try to get space to myself because I want to deescalate, but I’m still angry. I don’t want to talk anymore because I’m worried it’ll just make things worse. And I can’t even wrap my head around how to let something go, but I know I’ll ultimately have to. I don’t want to say anything I’ll regret or give her a chance to piss me off even worse.

25. I don’t give the silent treatment in terms of icing you out but I do become reserved and quiet.

    I just need to feel my feelings until I’m done feeling them. I’ve learned that it’s def a defense mechanism from some trauma I have but it’s just how I am.

26. The silent treatment is typically not used by men.

    The silent treatment is a passive aggressive exclusion technique to remove affection.

27. I will go silent for a while because I often don’t trust my own feelings and judgement towards a situation or a thing. It’s obvious I’m upset but I don’t communicate why at the time so it would definitely come off as the silent treatment but that’s not my intent. My main intent is to keep from putting my foot in my mouth and to avoid starting an unnecessary fight.

28. My issue is that I don’t want to say something I’ll regret when I’m furious + I’m not very articulate when I’m upset. It comes off as stonewalling, as if I’m trying to punish my partner, but in reality I would just be spewing profanities in no logical order lol.

29. I sometimes use it because I’m still processing what happened. As long as I’m processing, it will go on. But the max that it will go on is 48h. If I cannot resolve issues in 48h, then I need to readjust and change my outlook. I’ve been working to reduce it to 24h. But I find 48h is my optimal processing period for times when I’m offended and upset on a higher scale. On regular scales, I’m able to resolve issues within a couple of hours. I’ve learned to control emotions over the decades and my patience is really long so it takes quite a lot to get me into a red zone. As a father and husband, these conflicts are unavoidable.

30. I love my partner but I have gotten to a point where me even bothering to offer an opinion ends up as me being the bad guy. So if something is occuring I don’t agree with, I just go about my day. Not being silent, just focusing on what I need to do rather than be bothered by what I am seeing occur.

31. If you’re upset, you won’t want to talk to the other person. It’s that simple.

32. Not being talkative after an argument =/= silent treatment. Sometimes after you finish arguing with someone, the last thing on your mind is general conversation with them like nothing ever happened.