Okay, context:
We’ve been dating 3 weeks. So, not long enough to know him, but long enough to start seeing questionable actions. This guy was in a 5 year relationship that ended a year ago. We’ll call her Maria. Maria was apparently a serial cheater, per guy I’m dating.
Guy I’m dating (we’ll call him Jim) has stated that he “wants to still be friends with Maria,” but that her “current partner forbids it.” I asked for more info because that seemed odd to me, and he got very angry and said “the past is the past, why does it matter? I don’t want to talk about her.”
This was in week 1, when we were discussing how we feel about exes being friends. I dropped it.
Here we are 2 weeks later, and I noticed a girl (Jane) on his Netflix. I asked about Jane out of genuine curiosity, and he again got angry and said “I don’t go poking around your past relationships, let it go. So what if she and her brother share my Netflix? Her mom still pays for my Hulu, so what?”
I responded with “okay, how long were you and Jane together?” And he responded with “It’s not going to do either of us good to talk about this. I don’t want to talk about that part of my past. Leave it.”
We also went out to a nice dinner this week, and when we left the restaurant, completely unprompted and while I was smiling and happy about how nice of a time we were having, he said “I’m so glad I didn’t see my ex’s family there. I was worried about it.” Even though HE picked the restaurant.
Is it wrong for me to be unnerved by:
1) how quickly he gets angry
2) his angry response about ANY of his exes, which he refuses to talk about
3) the fact that he won’t answer basic questions about his past (like how long he and an ex were together)
4) him sharing Netflix with an ex and her brother (which he pays for) while said ex’s mom still pays for his Hulu
– he did say that he and Maria don’t speak at all, just share streaming services, but he still doesn’t want to talk about her in the slightest
Am I just being irrational, or are there actual red flags here that I need to be paying attention to?
Tl;dr: Jim refuses to talk about an ex he dated for 5 years or an ex that he dated for an unknown amount of time that he’s still sharing streaming services with. He gets angry and defensive when I ask questions about the exes, and one of the ex’s moms is still paying for his Hulu.
Jim chose a nice restaurant for us to go to this week, and instead of focusing on how great it was, he stated he was “worried he’s see his ex’s family” the whole time. Again, he picked it.
I think I’m seeing red flags, but I guess I need confirmation or correction because dating is hard and I’m not the best judge of these things.
25 comments
rebound bang him so hard he forgets about her.
Then dump him
This guy seems like a Lot of red flags in one. He is also not done with his ex.you are worth More than that
I don’t know about the ex being an issue but his anger and impulsivity to shut down conversations would definitely get noted. I wouldn’t stick around to see if it gets worse if this is what it looks like 3 weeks in.
Sounds like he murdered all of his exes.
He seems like a troubled guy trying to move on in a very unhealthy way. He needs time to get over that ex but he’d rather rush into another relationship, thinking that will heal him.
He clearly has work to do on himself. I’d probably end things and let him know he needs to heal and work on himself, and you can’t be with him while he’s like this.
I mean this with respect, but are you sure you’re not a side-chick?
I was in this situation almost exactly at your age. He didn’t want to talk about exes. Turned out he was messaging/sleeping with them.🙃 Of course I didn’t know, he presented them as long distance “cousins”. Ruuuunnn away.
I mean, sharing Netflix/Hulu or whatever is fine, lots of people do that.
The rest of it though, gods damn that’s a soviet parade of red flags. The quick to anger alone is a solid reason to walk away.
Don’t try and make it work the guy clearly need to figure himself out. Tell him you enjoyed your time together but you’re not feeling like the relationships is going anywhere then peace out. Block him and call it a day.
He sounds crazy. I would ghost him because he also sounds like the type to react very poorly to being broken up with.
My current boyfriend shares kids with his ex and so they coparent and she’s a big part of our lives unfortunately. She’s been with her “new” boyfriend for 5 years and they are marrying soon. But my boyfriend always is open about it his prior relationships, and shows me his texts with the ex, regularly lets me use his phone and computer and he just tells me everything. I don’t know – there’s just no reason to distrust him.
Trust your gut! This guy is just icky
Nah he’s an adult. He should be paying for his own subscriptions. There’s so many red flags the best thing I can say is to just stop seeing him.
There are not many reasons to stay in contact with an ex unless you work at the same company,have the same group of friends,want to come back together and share children.
Why isn’t he now your ex. This guy has major issues.
Think about it; why can’t he find a woman his own age? Because women in their mid 30s can’t be bothered with bs like this.
This guy is not the winner you thought he was. I suggest you enjoy life with non-assholes and nice people instead. You know you deserve it
become one of his exes, stat
You went out with him after date number one shows that you’re not sure of the color red.
Let this be a lesson to you.
If there’s any defensive or unwilling to talk about subjects of exes, say thank you but no thanks.
Plenty of people keep decent friendships with exes- and they talk openly about it. Quick to anger for asking questions is a control tactic. Once you “get used to that” and are afraid to ask questions you’ve been conditioned to not pry. At that point they can do you dirty and you’ll be too afraid to ask. If you’re too afraid to ask a significant other questions- that’s not your match.
Lol his exs didn’t really want him, now he’s trying to use you as way to show people “he’s moved on”
Sorry you’re going through this but you should leave him. He needs to heal and isn’t ready for a healthy new relationship
The first 2 complaints are valid. Getting that angry or nothing is a big red flag.
The last 2 complaints aren’t valid. If he doesn’t want to talk about his ex, he doesn’t have to. You don’t have a right, nor are you entitled to that information
Getting angry about anything that doesnt justify anger is a red flag
“hey babe, can you bring me a spoon?”
“THEFUCKYOUTHINKYOUARE?!!!!”
People like this often date people way younger than them because younger people have less life experience and therefore won’t feel as confident calling them on their weak points, or straight up won’t recognise their red flags.
I’m with the other commenters. Leave him sis, he has unresolved issues.
2 weeks and you’re already at his place watching Netflix? And they say I’m moving too fast for a kiss 🙄
Cut your losses, these little things almost always turn into huge things. I learned from dating a lot and keeping mental notes from my observations that its best to not to ignore these kind of things. Would have saved me from a DV relationship, not saying yours would turn into one, but better not to find out.
Red flags all around