When we’re connecting, our relationship is wonderful. Add two boys (almost 6 and 7.5), 2 dogs, 2 beta fish, and a bearded dragon and it’s a struggle to remain civil. I’m tired… We drink occasionally and have so much fun, but my 40 year old body doesn’t bounce back like it used to and the morning after/ day that follows isn’t worth the fun we have. I love my wife dearly, but I can’t go on like this. We’re either splendidly connected or on the brink of a physical altercation. I grew up in an unstable household and I’m living out my worst nightmare with all the fighting we’re exposing the boys to. Why the fuck is this so hard?!
4 comments
Therapy to learn constructive communication and problem solving. Getting along is a skill that can be learned.
No couple is connected all the time. Ups and downs. Learn to navigate through those hard times.
Everything’s great when you’re connecting, wonderful!
But then…you talk about not being able to remain civil, not being able to have fun drinking like you used to, is that the problem? That those additions (kids, pets, etc) are hard to cope with when you don’t have the carefree alcohol induced fun?
First, parenting and working and maintain a household, social expectations, marital expectations, finding time for yourself etc is tough. There are some that may say it isn’t, but for most people, in the throes of all of that, it’s exhausting. It’s very normal to find yourself wishing for the opposite of all that responsibility and commitment. It’s perfectly normal to want a mental and emotional break from all of that. Sometimes it does come in the form of drinking and having fun.
You and your wife seem like you have a good relationship. The problem might be that with the kids and the pets and all the things, and not being able to have the lifestyle that balanced it is tough. That’s because you guys are getting older. All that partying we did in our 20’s and 30’s, gone. This is especially true for women. As we hit our mid and late 40s and into peri and menopause. We definitely cannot handle alcohol the way we used to. There a scientific reasons that I won’t get into but you can look it up.
It sounds like you love your wife and your marriage and your family but it’s all too much without the balance of the fun lifestyle. This is a transitional period that a lot of couples go through. I would say, find a way to take a break with your wife from all of those things. Find different activity that recharges and refuels and reconnects you guys. The very fact that you are sad about all of this, tells me that you care.
My wife and I don’t fight. Married 31 years 2 grown children. When we got married we made an agreement not to fight and argue.
We hold to our wedding vows, for better or worse. What we do when we do have a disagreement is give each other a break, then we set down, talk about it, then pray about it.
I ask my wife, Will what we are disagreeing about matter in ten years. Most of the stuff we disagree on, is trivial stuff that really won’t matter in ten years. But, we attack it spiritually together. It has always resolved itself and then we can come together as husband and wife and love each other.
We don’t drink, and we find we have more fun not drinking. We used to drink some, but we decided not too , especially with the kids. We go to church regularly and all that has helped up.