I feel like my SO of 6 months is psychoanalyzing me and hyperfixated on finding something “wrong” with my love of travel. Is this normal?
I am an avid traveler— it’s something that I’m really passionate about and love to do in my spare time. I spent a lot of my free time in my 20’s traveling (50+ countries) and it’s always been a big part of my life. My SO of 6 months (35M) also likes to travel, but seems to think that there’s something wrong with me due to the degree of traveling that I’ve done.
Last night, he mentioned that he thinks that I travel because of novelty-seeking and that he feels novelty-seeking is juvenile and immature. Recently, I’ve felt unhappy in the city that we live in (due to winter, lack of greenery, how loud it is, etc.) and he extended the “novelty-seeking” to my living situation, saying that it seems like I got bored of the city because it isn’t new anymore— I’ve been here for 2 years. I told him that my relationship with our city/my living situation is more layered and complex than he’s making it out to be (I love my friends here and being close to family, but I don’t love the winter), which angered him and caused him to accuse me of gaslighting him because I clearly “hate the city we’re in” and have “done nothing but complain about it since we’ve known each other”. I tried expressing that it was more complicated than he was making it out to be, but he said I’m playing the victim card and that I bring negative energy into the relationship because I complain about our city.
I feel like he isn’t understanding the complexity of my relationship to our city, and that he’s hyperfixated on unpacking what’s “wrong” with my love of travel and dislike of our city, rather than just letting me be passionate about the things that I love. He’s angry with me right now because he says that he thinks that I am not owning up to who I am. I think he’s being hypercritical.
I’m curious to get your perspectives— is he being overly critical, or am I being too sensitive?
**TL;DR:** My SO of 6 months is fixated on viewing my love of travel as a novelty-seeking problem that has extended to the city that we live in. I feel like he’s nitpicking and being overly critical; he thinks I’m not “owning up to” who I am. Am I being too sensitive? Is it normal for partners to psychoanalyze in this way?
Thanks in advance.
33 comments
Omg he sounds fucking exhausting and it’s only been 6 months. Why are you still with him?
What he’s doing isn’t appropriate, at all. He’s old enough to know that when you date people, you don’t always have everything in common. People will sometimes have hobbies you don’t personally like. It doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with them for being passionate about something completely normal and harmless (having a passion for travel is extremely normal and common).
Now, if you were putting yourself in financial peril because you were traveling above your means, that’s cause for concern. But if you like it, do it responsibly and aren’t neglecting the relationship or prioritizing travel over the relationship, then there’s nothing wrong with it.
He really doesn’t have a place telling you it’s immature. Traveling safely and responsibly requires a high level of maturity. Also, what do most retired people do when the finally retire? Are all of these seniors suddenly immature because they finally have the time to travel?
It sounds like he just doesn’t like that you travel and is trying to keep you from doing more of it by putting you down. Huge red flag, especially only 6 months in. He should be on his best behavior, not trying to change who you fundamentally are. I’d have a serious sit down talk with him and make it crystal clear that what he is doing isn’t okay and needs to stop.
Why on earth would he be angry about you liking to travel, or being fed up with winter? What a paita. You’ve only invested half a year with him. Don’t waste any more. Move on!
So, in order to psycho analyze you he would have to have some knowledge in psychology and it’s very clear that he doesn’t.
He’s just using trend phrases to inflate something as simple as you being unhappy as to where you live, and I don’t say simple in a minimizing way as you stated it is complicated for you. I use simple in the way that he could have just listened or maybe asked you to open up to him about your complex relationship with the city, but he inflated it trying to seek smart and self righteous.
On that note, is this really the kind of person you want to be with? Someone who gets angry with you for having feelings and opinions, labeling you as negative just because you’re unhappy with something?
No one gets to tell you who you are or that you’re not being you’re authentic self enough, because it’s not what they think you should be doing.
Question: Is the city you’re living in his hometown? If so, he gets a small snippet of sympathy from me, simply because if someone loves their hometown, they don’t want to listen to bashing of it. I made this mistake myself once about Dallas, and it was super insensitive.
However, that doesn’t erase the rest of this. He’s not psychoanalyzing you; he’s putting you down. When he accuses you of “not owning up” to who you are, this is manipulative and untrue. I don’t know if he’s jealous, or wanting to keep you in your place, but this wouldn’t work for me. (another travel junkie).
He is the one gaslighting you. People are indeed complex and your therapist is the only one who should be psychoanalyzing you.
No, this is not normal and should never be tolerated. A man like that just wants control – he wants you to know your place, conform to his ideals and will destroy your self esteem to break you down until he gets his way. Cut him loose before he smothers your spirit and kills your passion. Trust me, it’s only 6 months in… he’s just getting warmed up.
The man is misusing “gaslight”. You didn’t call him crazy. Honestly I’d tell him his need to be right in this situation is odd, rather than openly asking you about your insight into what’s much more likely to be a form of seasonal affective disorder (if we’re going to psycho analyse), or being curious about what specifically you feel about being home during winter, if you’ve travelled during winter previously, or if there’s anything you do enjoy about it (big family gatherings for the holidays? Etc).
Personally I think that if travel is so important to you and he thinks it’s juvenile and “novelty seeking” then I don’t see why you’re with him. He sounds like he wants to fix you so you’ll settle down with him.
You do you, and don’t let him tear you down like this. Travel is a fantastic way to learn and experience life and the world.
You haven’t been together long enough for him to try and change you so dramatically. Put him in his place, or cut and run.
Ew, that sounds more like straight-up negging than a half-assed attempt at psychoanalysis. We’ve never met but I have enough info to be comfortable and confident that you can do better than this dillweed. You sound great and he…. doesn’t.
This is a major indicator of possible abuse.
He is working **hard** to convince you that:
You’re juvenile
You’re a complainer
You aren’t as smart as he is.
None of these things are true. They are designed to create self doubt so you give him more power and control. It’s designed to create a power imbalance where he is logical and insightful and you have issues.
It’s been 6 months and he’s aggressive and manipulative. I’d be out.
“Not owning up to who you are”? Sounds far more like you won’t obey his declaration of who you should be, which is someone who, gee, has no passions and never complains.
He gets angry when you don’t agree with him. Is that the kind of partner you want? I wouldn’t.
I have plenty of friends who have wanderlust, that is nothing wrong with that. If you are not ruining your finances, or his, then there is nothing wrong with this.
Honestly, you don’t sound compatible. It sounds like he won’t be happy till you do what he wants and you are your own person.
I would just end this relationship and take the lesson. Find someone who shares your love of travel and passion for adventure. Never apologize for that OP, it’s wonderful to have.
He’s passively trying to discourage you from traveling, because if you like new things, you will eventually figure out that not only is he incredibly insecure, you’ll discover he’s as dry as a capless, store-brand marker in a kindergarten classroom.
You’ve only invested 6 months into this relationship. Unless you’re content to be manipulated into settling your wild ways, you might want to make some lifestyle changes.
Better question: what is so great about this guy that you’re tolerating being treated this way?
Op don’t waste time with this guy.
This is super not normal. He shouldn’t be picking fights with you and criticizing you like this—it’s not how a loving partner would treat you. If you stay with him, you’re just going to end up feeling awful and walking on eggshells around him.
Whether or not you like traveling because of novelty or other factors is honestly irrelevant if, regardless of the reason, it brings you satisfaction and meaning. If it starts to interfere with your ability to build a meaningful life (for instance, if being on the move makes it hard to build relationships and that’s something you value and want) only then is it problematic. But ultimately that definition of “problematic” is defined by you, not him. It sounds like he’s dissatisfied with something about the relationship, or is projecting something about his use of travel onto you. I think regardless of the “why”, he’s not accepting a major part of your identity and personality. This sounds like something he needs to come to terms with in order to be in a relationship with you. It’s also totally within your rights to decide that you don’t feel like being a part of a relationship where your emotional experience is invalidated and dismissed because it’s not also his personal experience of the same event. That’s the REAL issue here, as far as I can see.
“Hey, seems like you know me and all of my motivations and experiences better than I do after 6 months of dating. It sounds like you have me all figured out. And it seems to me like you see some very clear incompatibilities… I love to travel the way i travel and it has always brought me joy and personal growth… But the REASONS I do it are clearly all wrong and I refuse to see it that way because I am immature. I refuse to acknowledge my hate for the city is deeper than my love for it and that it is my reason for always wanting to escape. It’s very black and white but I keep trying to add nuance that clearly does not factor in… Again because I am immature and need to be more binary in my rationale.
Hmmm…. Sounds like you might need to find someone more compatable? ”
… Just a conversational option for ya.
Sounds like HE doesn’t like YOU traveling and is horribly trying to manipulate you into traveling less. Which is toxic af. If you love traveling you should follow your passions, not a partner role playing as an anchor.
Christ, what an exhausting asshole. Just dump him.
If you’re constantly complaining about where you live, I can see how that could get annoying, but he could just tell you it bugs him instead of making it about some deep flaw in your personality. Now he’s angry because you’re not “owning up to who you are”, ie. agreeing with his armchair shrink assessment? How patronizing… as if he knows you better than you do after 6 months. He just sounds exhausting. Dunno about you but I don’t have time for that shit.
You’ve been together six months and he acts like this?
Not worth it. Not worth it at all.
I also live in a place that I do not love out of necessity. It doesn’t feel totally like home. I have made wonderful friends here though. But that doesn’t change that I dislike it. And that’s okay! If my boyfriend did this to me constantly, I would break up with him, honestly. I also want to echo the previous comments about this being a potential abuse tactic. Someone who doesn’t let you just be *you* is someone to be concerned about. What does your gut say about him and this situation? Trust that.
So you’re still in the getting-to-know-you phase and this guy is showing you who he is – unable to have a conversation where you disagree with him. He can’t listen to you about your own thoughts and feelings. It’s certainly not normal for partners to try to analyse each other in this way. Good luck!
It’s 6 months. The mask is slipping and he’s showing you who he is. Better to get out now, it’s only going to get worse. Good luck!
His response to your issues with the city sound like typical un-nuanced thinking. You have things you love and things you dislike about the area; that’s reasonable, that’s complex. He seems to view it as if it falls into a “Hate” or “Love” box. I imagine he is lashing out due to fear that you’re going to leave him behind in this city soon, if he’s planted there.
That part could be a simple misunderstanding – behind much anger is just fear. But him psychoanalyzing your love of travel is weird. Lots of people love to travel. By your age, I think I’d hit 25 countries, myself. I love traveling. It’s a significant part of my life. And it took awhile to find someone who actually loved travel (my wife and I have been together over a decade and travelled and lived in many countries now). Many people claim to love travel and actually don’t – they love safe travel or travel restricted to a particular small region or period of their life.
So this might be him negging your hobby because he doesn’t share it and is hoping to restrict you traveling in the future, should you stay together. Or just to make you feel bad about yourself. Overall, he’s too damned old to have communication this crappy – even if this is a best case scenario.
So first of all, there’s nothing wrong with novelty-seeking. New experiences are valuable and honestly someone who’s visited 50+ countries does seem like someone who enjoys new things rather than doing the same things over and over. Otherwise you’d just pick the one you liked the best and go there again, instead you seek new experience. And that’s OK, there’s nothing wrong with that.
With regards to the city. If my SO mentioned that they disliked the city that we live in, it would cause me a lot of anxiety because I like the city that I live in. It would feel very much like they were saying that they don’t like ME.
When you say “I don’t like this city” what he hears is “I want to leave” and he’s not wrong, you do want to leave. But if he does not want to leave, where does that stand as a couple.
Honestly, any conversation that involved moving to another city should always be treated as a “are we going to move together” kind of discussion. I’m kind of shocked that you don’t see it that way.
No he’s gaslighting YOU! He might be scared that you looking to travel and experience new things means that you aren’t looking for a long-term relationship, because you don’t like to be in the same situation for a long time. Please get rid of him and find someone healthy!
UGH. How presumptuous of him to try to tell you who you are, and what your motivations are. Tell this uncredentialed armchair psychiatrist that he is full of hooey, and you really don’t care to hear any more of his smug, self-important “insights” about your negative energy and novelty-seeking.
No, this is not normal, loving partnership behavior. Frankly, it would drive me up the side of the wall.
To quote the Bible, “Physician, heal thyself.” Since your BF is so interested in dabbling in psychoanalyis, suggest that he examine why he is motivated to constantly criticize and put down the woman he claims to love, with his wacko theories about her passions and preferences.
Are you sure this is someone you want to play an important role your life? Judging from this post, you are not very compatible as a couple.
I think there are plenty of people put there who would take you as you are and love you.
It seems like he’s arrogant enough to believe that his attempts at mindreading are more trustworthy than your own words. So when they disagree (e.g. you like aspects of the city but not winter) then he trusts his own weird insecurity-driven fantasy of you disliking living near him over what you say. This is so dumb of him, and there’s not a clear path forward for the two of you to grow together while he’s not engaging with you as an equal.
This guy sucks, find a new person who will listen to you and trust what you say. Anybody who tells me what I’m thinking or feeling is an immediate deal breaker for me, and it probably should be for you as well.
You are always going to be wrong with this guy. You can’t win. Do you want to keep living like this?
I’m sorry but did his dad build the city with his own two hands and then gave your BF the key? It’s a city….
>Last night, he mentioned that he thinks that I travel because of novelty-seeking and that he feels novelty-seeking is juvenile and immature.
And….? Maybe it is juvenile and immature (**it’s not**) … *SO*??? What about it?
The real question is, do you really need this level of negativity in your life? This is the kind of guy who will call you attention seeking because you’re physically ill. He sound jealous so he has to put you down to feel better about his sad self.
Boyfriend… show us on this doll where your girlfriends love of travel has hurt you…
Your SO of 6 months is a pompous, controlling dickhead who also doesn’t know what gaslighting is and you should break up with him. Problem solved.