I am newly dating a guy (nearly 2 months exclusive and both deleted dating apps) who is going away soon to work for 2 months. I am worried about us when he goes and I told him about my worry and he said not to worry and not to put pressure on it. He said a few weeks ago he has access to wifi, to use fb messenger and we can call each other and speak everyday however yesterday when I mentioned my worry when we were on a date he seemed so blazè about it and did add that sometimes when he does long shifts he may not have access to his phone often so may not be able to contact me everyday but the other week he said he would, now I feel like he is backtracking. I tried to explain to him he has been going away with work a long time so he is experienced in this however I am not so do need reassurance a bit more. He also said things should be fine if the sparks still there when he’s away but surely frequent contact nurtures the spark? How do I go about having another convo about this before he leaves in a manner he will understand and so I can gauge where he’s at.
17 comments
Are you worried about what he’ll do or are you worried about what you’ll do?
Why does he need to talk to you everyday for the spark to be nurtured? You’re in your 30s. You’re not a teenager. It would be reasonable for you to be able to go 3 or 4 days not talking to him, and still remain attracted to him.
Gonna be honest here…he doesn’t need to reassure you here. You need to be able to reassure yourself. He’s already told you he’s going to try his best to call/msg/facetime, etc. All you can do now is accept that and trust you’re a great match and he’s not going to lose interest. I’d advise you not ask him about it again. You’re going to push him away by being too clingy/needy/insecure.
I did want to ask, though, is there anyway you could visit?
Lots of critical/judgemental replies! It sounds like you need daily contact, and you’re being told you’re not going to get it for two months, OP. It’s up to you to decide if you’re happy with that or not, or if you need to see how it goes.
Don’t pressure him on it, stay as cool as a cucumber and get on with your life otherwise you will drive him away. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
I travel for work as well and can work rather long shifts in the field and sometimes no access to even cell network depending where I am. I wouldn’t worry about it unless he gives you a reason too. It’s tough for people who do what I do to have a relationship because of this especially a new one. It requires a lot of trust on both sides.
Don’t overthink and stress yourself put of thin air. Just try to stay calm and nurture your talks with him whenever possible. We’re adults, we can’t hold hands morning til midnight.
Having your own life is also a charm. I would say he might also have such a fear as yours. What if you change and lose interest in him? 😉
You are stressing yourself out.
And even if he’s lost interest? Would he be the one? Have faith and see how it goes.
If this is a no and you must have daily contact but he is unable or unwilling to give it then think if this would even work long term..
I think there’s not much more you can say because this is an issue within you. I use the word issue lightly, I’m not saying there is a problem with you. Early dating is full of unknowns and involves a lot of taking uncomfortable leaps. It’s important that you both try your best to accommodate one another’s needs. All he can do is try to maintain touching base with you.
A component of compatibility is compatible lifestyles. Going away for months at a time is his lifestyle, arguably non-negotiable. If he can’t guarantee that he’ll have connection at these job sites, you’ll have to assess whether or not you can accommodate this, your needs do matter. Hopefully in time, you’ll become more secure when you see how it affects your relationship.
What I do to self soothe insecurities is to tell myself that it’s okay to be afraid of the unknown but we don’t need to get worked up yet, have hope.
> Surely frequent contact nurtures the spark?
Not always, especially when it’s out of obligation. Sometimes absence makes the heart grow fonder.
Calm yourself down, keep yourself distracted with your own things, and try to be available for when both agree to call. Do not pressure him, do not make him feel he needs to walk on eggshells on his daily life while he is away. What it will be, will be.
I ended a long distance relationship because of her constant anxiety. Then, I kept an 8 year long relationship which was 6 years long distance (with weekend traveling to her) because there was never any pressure or anxiety when we were away from each other. We married two days ago and we’re moving in together permanently next month.
Make him feel he is lucky to have you and that he has his full support.
What does he do for work? I can ask bc I dated a merchant mariner for almost a year and we had a similar situation early on. We just became “exclusive” and he left for 90 days. Spotty wifi on the ship. We managed to communicate almost every single day in SOME capacity, whether it was a quick text or Instagram message or something. He always checked in and I did the same. In our case, absence made the heart grow fonder.
From a man who regularly goes away on longer work trips. I often go to Vegas, Miami, popular destinations for 2 week long conventions. I can tell you that 99.9 percent of time is spent working and the rest is grabbing some food and heading back to the room to eat it. Sometimes we will hit the lobby bar and socialize. But for me I’ve never even tried to hook up with someone on these types of trips, I’m usually to exhausted to even want to explore the area. Everyone is different but note this, if he goes on this trip and loses interest in you even remotely, then he wasn’t interested in the first place.
Looks like you’re going to extinguish the spark with your anxious attachment, chill. Take the two months to focus and you and have confidence in your new thing with him. If it runs it course then so be it, better to not to cause your own stress. Plus talking everyday is quite tiresome when both parties are on different schedules, locations, situations.
Just want to offer a couple of things.
First, might be worth it to check out the concept of “attachment styles,” particularly anxious and avoidant styles.
Second, and I forgot where I heard this, but it might be useful to try thinking of this work trip in a different way. Instead of **waiting** for his return, think of yourself as **preparing** for his return.
Being temporarily free of the time commitment involved in an in-person relationship might allow you to engage in self-work that will benefit both you and your new relationship. That could be going to therapy, journaling, creating an exercise plan that’s accessible to you, connecting with friends more frequently than you might while bf is in town, practicing self-soothing techniques to get through periods of low contact with bf, assessing your personal relationship patterns, etc.
Near daily seems like quite a bit of dedication, at least it would be if I’m away on 2mo of work. If he falters after a month then you may unfortunately have your answer but he could also make multiple daily efforts too. Good time to find out if y’all can survive the strain.
I think as long as you both communicated your communication preferences then that’s perfect. I think it’s important to have some communication, but if he can’t do daily, as long as he makes an effort every other day or sends a message or two… I think that’s okay (imo). I’ve dated a medical student and we did a bit of long distance. I learned to navigate the bare minimum. I think effort comes a long way but I do think having to call everyday while having lack of wifi/working/etc., can be challenging. So I’d give him some space. As long as you communicated your communication needs that’s fine.
If he disappears for days to weeks with no communication or good reason, then I’d be like er…. but otherwise, I’d reassure yourself about that.
Lol, what’s up with people with attachment issues now a days? You’re barely dating 2 months. Considering your age as well, you should be able to handle a mature relationship that does not require constant reassurance. He’s a grown ass man with his own priorities.