My boyfriend has a bad habit of inviting other people whenever we make plans. Be it our friends, his family etc., you can guarantee that for most things there’ll be someone else there.
At first it became a bit of a joke. Often he wouldn’t realise that something was a ‘date’ and would just invite other friends in the same way as a normal plan. We’ve joked about it loads but it’s starting to take its toll on me.
This year, we’ve been incredibly lucky to book two holidays – one is a big group and the other is just us. The latter was initially booked as “we’ll ask some friends if they want to join if they can get the time off work, but equally if it’s just us two we’d be really happy with that”. This led to my boyfriend inviting numerous friends who couldn’t make it, followed by even more attempts to ask friends who weren’t able to come (I’d say 10 people were asked maybe), and now he’s offered the holiday to his younger sister and one of her friends to join us. I’d hate to feel like a spoilt brat or contradict myself (as I’m very fortunate to have these holidays in the first place and I did agree that other people could book on), but it really feels like he’s searched high and low in a desperate attempt to find someone to join us. What’s wrong with it just being a holiday for the two of us?
The same thing quite often tends to happen with anything that could be considered a date – meals out, going for drinks, cinema trip, activities etc.
While he is always really polite about it, e.g. he always asks “would you mind if I invite XYZ to this?”, that’s normally after he’s already asked them about it so I’d come across as really rude if I objected.
Also worth noting, because of money and also Covid, we’ve only actually had one holiday abroad just the two of us. This was last summer to Portugal where he ended up being sick in bed for most of it (can’t be helped!). So this year, I really expressed my desire for a redo holiday just us.
It’s a conversation we’ve had a few times but clearly if I’m making this post, it’s something that’s bothering me.
Also, we have no problem spending time alone together and within the house (we don’t live together but see each other on weekends) we’re more than fine with alone time, hanging out just us two.
Neither of us have the money or time off work to book anything else this year, so while I’d love to get a holiday in the diary for just us two to look forward to, I don’t think it’s possible right now.
Why do you think he does this? And what should I do?
TLDR – my boyfriend often invites friends or family members on our dates and holidays – what should I do?
12 comments
I think you should just communicate with him more clearly.
Tell him you’d like more outings/trips where it’s just the two of you. When you make plans, explicitly say that you expect it to be just the two of you. That way he doesn’t invite more people. If he asks if he can invite more people, say no.
If for some weird reason he continues to invite more people, then you need to have a more serious conversation about why he disregards what you’re communicating. But right now it just seems like you’re not being clear about what you want and he has a “the more the merrier” mentality.
This seems very odd. And the fact that the only time you went away together he was “sick” for most of the time and stayed in his room. It’s pretty obvious that he doesn’t want to be with you in public unless there’s lots of other people around. I’m not trying to hurt your feelings but it looks like he’s afraid/ashamed to be alone in public with you.
If he always asks you first, you simply need to be brave and be honest. You can be polite and kind about it. When he asks if he can invite other people, say something like “I’d love to spend time with those people sometime soon, but I was really looking forward to this particular trip/event just with you. Can it be just the two of us this time?”
If he objects, you have a bigger issue to deal with. But if he’s genuinely asking, and you’re not being honest about how you feel, it’s not really his fault.
Just tell him. “I want to go on a vacation just the two of us, its frustrating to me that you always invite other people. I would prefer going just the two of us most of the time.”
You never told him you wished to go just the two of you. No wonder he keeps inviting people when he thinks thats what you prefer.
You need to communicate clearly, you aren’t doing that now.
You need to be direct and just say “hey sometimes I want a date night to be just the 2 of us and I want some vacations for just the 2 of us. How does that sound to you? Can we come up with a system on how we ask the other if we want friends/family to join?”
You should uh… tell him that you want some quality time? Seems like you haven’t done that yet.
While I think it would be rude to un-invite people, ask your boyfriend if you guys can have a day/evening together (alone) and let the group know.
Pay attention to how he reacts. If he doesn’t want to spend an evening with you (at the least) then you have a bigger problem on your hands which you guys need to address.
I don’t know how long you have until the trip but if it’s really soon, then I would hold off having this conversation after the trip. But if you have time, have it before you go on the trip.
My husband is like this too. I just had to communicate with him which things are meant to be just the two of us. Something that worked for us as well is blocking of one day, such as Fridays, as our “date” day. So if we go get dinner or something its meant to only be just us unless we agree on it beforehand.
When planning holidays, I always state, where would you like to go just us? That way he knows from the beginning it is just meant to be us.
My partner is the same way. I communicated and now he at least asks me before inviting others to tag along. There is compromise between us now.
>latter was initially booked as “we’ll ask some friends if they want to join if they can get the time off work, but equally if it’s just us two we’d be really happy with that”
>I really expressed my desire for a redo holiday just us.
Did you? Then why did you agree to planning exactly ZERO holidays just the two of you? I think this vacation conflict comes down to the varying definition of “some,” and you not being clear enough about what you wanted. You wanted a vacation just the two of you. You thought you agreed to maybe a few of a small handful of friends. He thought you agreed to finding some friends for the trip.
>quite often tends to happen with anything that could be considered a date – meals out, going for drinks, cinema trip, activities etc.
>While he is always really polite about it, e.g. he always asks “would you mind if I invite XYZ to this?”, that’s normally after he’s already asked them about it so I’d come across as really rude if I objected.
Yeah this is something you also need to get clear about. I suspect he does it because he wants to see these people and is not planning solo time with his friends very well. He may not even realize, but when there’s A Thing it feels like an opportunity to see his friends, which feels easier to him than making plans from scratch.
You shouldn’t feel rude for saying no. He invited them without asking you, that is rude of him. But the easiest thing may be to instead start telling him *in advance* “this thing is just the two of us. Don’t invite anyone else.” You should also point out to him that he may not be meeting his social needs properly, and he should *proactively* plan more stuff with friends.
There is obviously some reason why he is more amused by hanging around in larger groups rather than with you alone. Are there other signs of fear of intimacy? Do you live together? Either way, I’d suggest that you should be very blunt with what you want and if he doesn’t accommodate some serious conversations ought to be had.
omg just talk to him!