After having a few young kids my wife has become increasingly more distant and barely shows affection to me.
She said she feels like a completely different person and has been greatly affected by hormones (with particularly nasty periods and associated pain/discomfort).
I work full time and she is at home and i understand her day is more physically and emotionally stressful than mine but she doesnt seem to acknowledge that my work is stressful in a different way and doesnt seem appreciative that i am providing for the family.
Weekends are spent with kids, extended family or me working to fix up our old house but yet she barely acknowledges my efforts but still expects it done.
I dont spend any time with friends or barely any interests as i am primarily focused on work, kids, family life. Certainly i am no where near as good as her with managing the small children and often there are tears, etc. But its really hard as i get them when every one is tired and given she has post partum dep and noise sensitivity, if one kids crys during her shower it absolutely crushes me as know she will internally lose it.
She certainly is amazing cooking, cleaning, kids and admin but equally she makes hard for me to do my bit as its not up to her standards and we often have take away / go out to make it easier.
I feel so isolated and unappreciated, i know its just a hard time in life with small kids but its really upsetting.
4 comments
I guess this could be the same to your wife: Since we have young kids my husband
>barely shows affection to me.
I stay at home and he works full time but he
>doesnt seem to acknowledge that my work is stressful in a different way and doesnt seem appreciative that i am caring (providing) for the family.
24/7 is spend time with the kids and chores but yet he
>barely acknowledges my efforts but still expects it done.
>I dont spend any time with friends or barely any interests as i am primarily focused on
kids, chores and family life.
He does a good job in providing so I don’t have to also worry about finances.
>I feel so isolated and unappreciated, i know its just a hard time in life with small kids but its really upsetting.”
Ok, all I want to say is that it is a hard time for BOTH of you. Always consider this and remember that you two can fight the issue TOGETHER!
You should talk to her to get to know her side. Only afterwards reveal your side and then find solutions for the both of you. (That might include help from family, babysitter, regular evenings off for each one you, regular date nights, you showing affection first although you crave for affection being shown to you.)
Have you spoken to her about these feelings?
You literally describe her living in hell with PPD, she’s overestimated, touched out and over worked. She’s providing your kids a community by going to see family or doing things every weekend despite feeling like a shell of who she once was and you have yet to describe a situation in which you free up any time for her to feel like a wife and a women and not just a mother.
I can bet she plans or is in charge of those outings, seeing family and creating a home space that is functional for the family.
Ie: her standards are there bc she’s the one providing the stability of a home for you and your kids. That’s like you taking a day off of work and someone took over your position for a day and rearranged your dest or office or whatever space or thing you have agency over bc it was easier for THEM.
You say you get them when they are tired and a mess, you don’t think she deals with that daily? And all day? Kids don’t just have a snapping point of when they decide to cry or become tired or overstumulsted. She deals with that DAILY and you can’t manage it for 20 minutes while she takes a peaceful, uninterrupted shower.
Sorry but if you’re expecting her to sing your praise and she can’t even take a shower at the end of the day or get 5 minutes to herself without you struggling to manage the kids you equally made, of course she’s not going to do that or even feel attracted to you enough to show you any affection.
It’s okay to want acknowledgment for the effort you’re putting in. It’s human to want that validation. But I also think you’re taking the human out of her and desiring something she simply is having a hard time giving. You’re not looking at the reality here which is that she might need to get help postpartum.
Like you said she’s doing A LOT. And she probably is feeling a bit resentful because she’s stressed and hormonal and in pain. Just like you’re upset she isn’t validating your part, she’s probably upset about the same thing because she’s doing so much and you’re seeking validation.
I also am not saying this is you, but I do want to ask if you’re doing your part in taking on the mental load in the household (planning, doing things without being asked, household management) and taking initiative emotionally (putting in an effort to connect emotionally, pushing for things that will help her and yourself feel better emotionally) and if it’s not up to her standards, really putting your foot down and making it clear you want to do your share in the house.
It is a rough time for you guys. I do think it can get better but you need to ask for help. Whether from family, a professional, support groups, hiring a cleaner.