TL;DR – gf did some things in the last year that make me reconsider relationship such as overstepping consent, making me feel bad for having female friends, etc.
I’ve been struggling to cope in the last year with some things she said and did to me. We’ve been together for 4 years through long-distance, and I was supposed to move in this summer. However, I’ve had trouble comprehending some things that she did in the last year.
Last summer, she recorded us having sex on FaceTime without my consent, and there have been multiple instances of her almost breaking up with me due to me mentioning female friends or me hanging out with just guy friends. It got to a point where I would stop talking or hanging out with certain friends because she showed a quiet disliking for them. She’s been dealing with her own issues lately and sometimes she would project her frustration onto me.
She’s very caring but sometimes it feels like a switch. She’s apologized profusely for her behavior in the past, and has shown a lot to change. However, I feel almost traumatized to some degree by some of these things, and I’ve been trying to carry on through with the relationship knowing that she doesn’t act that way anymore.
Part of me feels like I’m exaggerating, because 95% of the time I feel like she’s super sweet and loving, while the other 5% are low moments I’ve struggled to get over.
She knows I’ve been dealing with this for a while and has given me the open choice to leave or stay in the relationship. Yet, I don’t really know what I’m supposed to do at this point.
4 comments
Hey! I’m so sorry you’re going through this.
First of all, you’re not exaggerating. A partner threatening to break up with you over friendships is very challenging. And a partner recording you without your consent is extremely violating. So I just want to validate the part of you that is having trouble letting go of these things. That part of you is normal and well-calibrated. That part of you is protecting you.
It’s so hard to leave a relationship where a lot of things DO work. Life would be easier if we could always just be like “this is 100% bad. I’m out!” But it’s usually not like that.
My honest opinion is that if these things are still bothering you a year later, it’s going to be hard to bounce back and trust her again. And that’s okay. These are big violations and you’re not weak for not being able to let go. You’re human, and even moreso, you’re someone who is looking out for their own heart and their own best interest.
I’m sorry you’re in this tough spot. I wish you luck in navigating it!
Holy shit, why are you still there?
If you don’t have trust, you don’t have anything. It’s an absolutely fundamental part of any healthy relationship.
Just because a relationship isn’t 100% bad it doesn’t mean you have to stay in it when it’s not meeting your needs anymore. If we were friends and I told you “my job is 95% good but 5% of the time I have to clean up human shit with my bare hands” wouldn’t you tell me to leave my job? Why is it different if it’s a romantic relationship and the shit is metaphorical?
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