Since I was a kiddo I was told I was “too much”. Not of a single reason, like talking too much, or being clingy alone. But my entire “energy” as a person and personality as itself. Like an electric guitar in a harmonious orchestra. Of course, I know I can’t change myself per se. I’m autistic, and most likely have ADHD as well. And being energetic/bubbly ain’t a problem per se, it’s just…being very misplaced.
Recently, I’ve been looking to make new friends. For the last couple months, I stopped isolating myself and began going to more events, clubs etc. -all the cookie cutter tips you give to find new people. However, no matter where I go…it’s always the same: Whenever I’m around, I am too much. I try to use every trick/tip I get of course to not be too much: Instead of talking too much about me, I attempt to get people to talk about themselves instead. I show active honest interest. I try to read body language and mimic it. Refer to them with their names. Try to find common ground et cetera -however, I still seem to run into walls with this! Maybe it’s just my culture, but people are always very… low-energy here. Even the more extroverted people seem low-energy: In clubs, they always have a minor/mediocre interest in the topic. If I still try to engage, it often becomes this idea that I’m weird for being so in to the topic -like, too much water in the cup. Or otherwise: If I try to show interest, by asking one thing and then playing ping-pong from there, it quickly dissolves into a form of one-sided interrogation, because for some fucking reason, people just…talk about their special interests like they’d talk about doing taxes??!
Recently, I learned that one potential reason for this is that erm…apparently most people aren’t looking for friends. Like, they’d be fine with friends. The way you’re fine with dessert after a good luchin. But not expressing the same hunger as someone who never got lunch AND breakfast. Aka they don’t “WANT” friends, because they’re already covered. And apparently, this causes a number of weird rules. Like, I learned that asking casually for someone’s number to chat after 3 times (so you can ask for casual hangouts) is apparently clingy/creepy. Hell -apparently even asking for someone’s name can be seen as creepy/clingy. Again, in my culture, some go weeks meeting someone without knowing someone’s name.
Again: It’s not my intent to be too much. I’m not even expecting to be BFFs with a person I’ve known for 5sec!
However, I want to at least make some acquaintances. And I feel very hurt that I can’t even do that. At best people are mildly confused by me and at worst, well…at worst I once terrified 4 people, with one asking if I had violence issues, because of a misunderstanding. (So yeah, being myself ain’t the best idea).
Are there tips for places & events where you can find people who are more open to new friends & connections? I know there are meet-up apps, but meeting strangers over the Internet ain’t the best idea obv.
2 comments
“apparently most people aren’t looking for friends. Like, they’d be fine with friends. The way you’re fine with dessert after a good lunch. But not expressing the same hunger as someone who never got lunch AND breakfast”
I like this part really well. It sort of explains it. I get the feeling that once people are established there is little reason to expand. You sort of stick with the people you got for very long periods of time. Friendships, from my understanding, seems to be very circumstantial. They also have to be lonely to be more amenable to be friends. Of course I am generalising and different personality types have different reasons but that is the general gist of it.
I also like how you mentioned being yourself ain’t the best idea. You would just know from people’s interaction whether being yourself is the best idea. I think more people are warm to masks than to your actual feelings. You will give out the “creepy/clingy” vibes if you express or act out your loneliness.
Post-adult socialisation is brutal. I can only give you my condolences.
Well, why should people hang out with you and be friends with you ? Being lonely is not a valid reason. People hang out you when there is a reason to hang out you. Are you a fun and exciting person to be around ? Do you impact or bring any value to other people ?
Most people want to be around somebody with exhibits good social skills. So How are your conversations with other people ? Do you have good social skills ? Do you listen to people when they speak, and do you speak when it is your turn to do so ? Oh, and when it is your turn to speak, do you speak with confidence and bring positive energy ? Or are you anxious and quiet ? All of these things are what people notice about you. You need to be exhibiting social skills right from the start. If you aren’t doing so, then you will be perceived as antisocial and you can’t expect people to include you into things. In general, Nobody cares why you are antisocial; they just make the judgement that you aren’t somebody they want to be around. You are how you act. Period.
Most people also like somebody who actively works towards something in life and accomplishes things in life such as goals, hobbies, skills, talents, etc. You need to establish yourself in something i.e. get good or excellent at something that people value or desire, and build a good reputation.