My friend group is planning a cross-country vacation this summer to visit a long-distance friend. This friend group consists of me(F29), my BF(27M), Marissa(26ishF), and two other guys. Marissa is the newest addition to the friend group, being a childhood friend of one of the other guys. She works at Disney and has lived down there for several years now.
Our group are pretty avid gamers, so it’s not uncommon to see at least a few of us in a discord chat every evening. Earlier this year while we were all on, we started to research hotels for our vacation. One of the conditions I brought up was that I wanted a separate room for my BF and me. Because of this, our search narrowed to suites and connected rooms. I offered to pay for our own arrangements if a suite or connected room couldn’t be found within the budget. Lo and behold, we found a really good set up! We found a suite with a nice layout: a large living area with a pullout and recliner, a room with two queen beds, and a room with a king and en suite. We discussed sleeping arrangements there, with my BF and I in the king since we were going to be sleeping together and wanted a separate room.
A couple months passed and its getting closer to the vacation. Over this time, Marissa has been texting my BF a lot. This doesn’t really bother me; I do trust my BF. Sometimes I tease that I’m jealous, but it’s never serious. But in truth, it has been bothering me. It gets to the point where she texts him late into the night and all day at work. One of the texts that really bothered me was her asking “Would you hate me if I was bad at videogames?”. I know this seems benign, but it came off to me as like a gradeschool attempt at getting him to say he’d never hate her or something like that. I’ve mentioned to my BF that the incessant texting has been making me feel weird, but he insists that “she’s a bro, he’d never see her like that”.
Yesterday one of the other friends brought up that Marissa wanted to change the sleeping arrangements, with one of the guys in the king, her and I in the queens, and my BF and another guy in the living area pull out and recliner. He stated that she wanted this to be a “Friends” trip, not a “bf/gf trip”. This immediately gave me a red flag, as we’d be spending all day together as friends- why were sleeping arrangements such a big deal now?
What made it worse was that my BF immediately jumped on the idea, saying how he’d be perfectly comfortable on the pull out. This really hurt me, as we’d been talking about what parts of the trip we’d be excited for. I had told him that while I was really looking forward to spending a week with friends, I was also looking forward to getting a little alone time in the evenings for us. I did have an emotional reaction to this news and his response, when I should have spoken to him in private.
Now he’s mad at me, saying I made the friend uncomfortable because I selfishly wanted the king bed. I’ve told him over and over it wasn’t about the king bed, it was about us being in the same room and about how he didn’t seem to care or even listen to what I was partially excited about for this trip. It doesn’t even make sense! Now someone has to sleep in the recliner, when before everyone had a bed.
My BF said that we’re lucky we even got invited to go on this trip, since Marissa is providing us free Disney passes. But we did cover her part of the hotel, which came to more than a grand per person. I still understand that the deals she is getting us are insane, and I’m very grateful. I’m not mad at Marissa, I’m just a little worried at the changes in behavior.
I don’t really know where to go from here. Do I apologize and go along with it now? Any advice is very appreciated š„²
48 comments
> It gets to the point where she texts him late into the night and all day at work.
This is way above the level of friend texting, in my opinion and is the beginning of her pushing boundaries.
>Yesterday one of the other friends brought up that Marissa wanted to change the sleeping arrangements, with one of the guys in the king, her and I in the queens, and my BF and another guy in the living area pull out and recliner. He stated that she wanted this to be a “Friends” trip, not a “bf/gf trip”. This immediately gave me a red flag, as we’d be spending all day together as friends- why were sleeping arrangements such a big deal now?
This is EXTREMELY weird to me. I am 26 and all my friends always share beds with their significant others. I’m concerned your bf responded to this by immediately jumping on the idea and being mad at you for “being selfish and wanting a king bed.”
Personally I would try to stick with the king bed you wanted and say you’ll only go if you sleep next to your bf. It’s not worth the money for the drama imo.
Nobody can steal your boyfriend, because he is not a piece of furniture to be stolen. Your boyfriend on the other hand can be a complete inconsiderate idiot who doesn’t respect your feelings. And that should be the title of your post.
Shit, I guess Iāll go to Disney with yaāll, then sleep in the queen with you. Just to make him jealous..no touchies..only as homies. Ask him if itās cool since the sleeping arrangements arenāt a big deal and all. Tell him we go way back. š
Suggest that since your changing the arrangements anyways you might as well share a bed with one of the other guys.
I remember being this age and it was tough to put up boundaries because I didnāt want to be the one being seen as the person ruining everyoneās good time. As a woman with some wisdom under her belt, Iām here to tell you to put up your boundaries. Be unapologetic about it.
You are allowed to say, I donāt want to change the sleeping arrangements. You are allowed to tell your BF āI think you are texting Marissa too much. It is bothering me you consider her feelings about things more than you consider mine. I donāt care that you consider her āa broā she is a woman who is overstepping in OUR relationship.ā
And guess what? This is a friends trip, including people who are a couple. Any time Iāve traveled with people I consider friends, the couples always sleep in the same bed. Your BF is being deliberately obtuse. Heās pretending like itās okay to text some other woman well into the night in front of his gf, heās pretending like heād rather sleep in a pull out couch than a king bed w his GF in order to bend to Marissas wishes, and that itās selfish to want to sleep in your bed that you paid for w your Bf.
And the fact that you are paying for her hotel negates the fact that sheās doing a āfavorā with the tickets! If I went to a concert with comped tickets, and my friend picked up dinner, Iād consider that even. Girl, your bf is violating boundaries big time. I know itās not easy, but you need to be unafraid to speak your mind and tell him to knock it off.
Stand up for yourself. Sit him down and lay all your cards down and tell bluntly no more texting or sleeping separately and if he wants her go ahead youāre out. Grow a strong steely spine, donāt worry youāll know where you stand by his reaction and youāll know heās out the door to her or committed to you. Iām sorry but it seems heās already discounting your relationship.
You have a boyfriend problem, it sounds like he likes the attention she is giving him.
And remember she might be trying because she is getting signals and good vibes from him. And a question what has she got to talk to your boyfriend about all day / night if u have known her for longer. ? Has she struggled to find relationships ? Dates even. U need to lay down the law and question your bf why he carnt set boundaries.
i wouldn’t feel comfortable with someone telling me i can’t sleep next to my boyfriend who is my comfort person and the person who makes me feel at ease. especially when traveling. i think it’s a little inappropriate to assume two people who share their lives together would want to sleep in separate beds
This chick wants your boyfriend. The red flags š© are flying high. Please see them. She is trying to separate you from your boyfriend and she is succeeding. This is a time to say NO to Marissa.
He must understand like guys many woman can use the friend card to get the guy they wants. They will play innocent ,do everything and wait until they will have a opening to get them .
So he better wake and stop attacking you because itās exactly what she wants ,the opening to get closer and make him fail for her.
The fact she send him so much text to your boyfriend is unacceptable specially at night,she is starting with him a emotional affair and he better wake before ruining your relationship ! He have to cut her out and both of you shut stop being in contact with that girl who use her Disney pass to get your boyfriend.
He canāt get closer with another girl specially with his girlfriendās friend.
Tell him if the role where reverse he will not accept that disrespect and I encourage you to show him the post. Maybe he will realize how his Ā“bro Ā“ is fooling him very easily !
She’s pushing and he’s allowing it to happen.
You deserve better.
Youāre 27 and your letting someone you barely know tell you how and where to sleep? It sounds like this person is trying to get in between you and your boyfriend and see how much she can get away with controlling him. She sounds incredibly manipulative and needy, the kind that wonāt stop at anything to get what they want.
First of all, no “deals” at disney. Over a grand per person for a shared suite is fucking nuts. Second of all, I think you’re right to feel slighted, and it is awfully weird of her. How does a couple sleeping together make it a Bf/gf trip or take away from the friends? Is Marissa 12? She definitely seems to be overstepping. But idk, gamers have their own unique thing going on, so I’m not sure if this is normal among them lol
Sit him down and tell him exactly how you feel and why. If he doesnt listen thats on him.
He is seeming very dense for a 27 year old, shit im not sleeping next to some dude if my partner is close by. This is just some weird behavior to me.
Hierarchy is Spouse, family, friends imo. Your bf needs to realise this.
So youāre boyfriend doesnāt care about your feelings?
>I’ve mentioned to my BF that the incessant texting has been making me
feel weird, but he insists that “she’s a bro, he’d never see her like
that”.
Do the other guys text him that often? That’s needy, getting-in-between you and your boyfriend behavior, not bro behavior. She’s making her move and he’s encouraging her.
Do not leave them alone at all during the trip.
Do not let her sit next to him or get close to him.
Do not budge on your alone time with him.
You need to set some major boundaries cause clearly they have none.
Tell him heās acting suspicious when it comes to her and he needs to cut it out cause the texting all night and interjecting her way into a bed and room with him is too much and obvious sheās trying to push boundaries.
>A couple months passed and its getting closer to the vacation. Over this time, Marissa has been texting my BF a lot. This doesn’t really bother me; I do trust my BF. Sometimes I tease that I’m jealous, but it’s never serious. But in truth, it has been bothering me.
This is the crux of the issue. You’re uncomfortable with how close your bf and Marissa are getting to be.
And Marissa insisting to be a ‘friends’ trip instead of bf/gf trip is a little ‘weird’ for me, to be honest. That she has to preface that and make sure you don’t sleep in the same bed as your bf…that is … interesting.
This is the thing, your bf may already stray ’emotionally’ that he’d jump to any chance of seeing Marissa in person right now that he’ll diminish your discomfort. If I were you, I’d tell him that you’re uncomfortable with how close he and Marissa have been getting and you think that him calling you selfish for wanting to sleep in the same bed as he, is an indication of that. See how he reacted, if his reaction is to diminish your concern and call you names, I’d say you should be wary, that’s how my ex used to do to me (when he was cheating on me).
The whole thing reminded me and my ex, tbh. My ex was acting like your bf too then I found out, he had been cheating on me behind my back with the girl I suspected of.
It’s a red flag that your bf isn’t wanting to share the bed with you
If my husband said something like that in a similar situation I’d be livid
The texting *is* odd, you guys haven’t known her for long and she wasn’t your bfs friend first
Might need a new bf
Circumvent her. Sleep on the pull out with your boyfriend and give her both of the queens to herself. Watch her move the goalposts again.
The first thing to remind your bf and friends of is that the reason you are paying for this suite is to sleep in the same room with him.
Changing that arrangement changes the agreement. Why would you pay more to stay with her?
**Can you get your money back on the arrangements?**
Sounds like people need a reminder.
Hey there, this exact same thing happened to me. My husband became very close with one of our female gamer friends, and it made me extremely uncomfortable. I did try to talk to him about it, and then they started triangulating me.
Unfortunately for me, my instincts were correct, and they began a relationship behind my back. My advice to you is to try to tell him how you feel, like really stress the importance of the way you are feeling. He should care that it makes you uncomfortable and I strongly advise having a serious talk with him. Don’t make the same mistake I did, I completely went off on him, and it pushed them even closer. Tell him how much you care about him and your relationship. If you feel comfortable, talk to her as well. I know a lot of people will tell you that he is to blame, but her relationship with him is inappropriate if it is becoming between you both.
I truly feel for you and wish you the best of luck.
Ok so this is either nothing or your bf has a thing for Marissa. This is a good relationship test.
Why this could be nothing: Your bf has friends, they are chill. Marissa providing the group free passes to Disney. And your bf is just worried about pissing her off because she’s giving you guys the passes and if you mess this up the trip is cancelled.
Also, maybe she’s worried about staying with the other guys. Maybe she’s worried about her own safety. She’s a lady, and if the 2 other guys decided to have fun she wouldn’t be able to fight back. Not that it would ever happen, but maybe she’s concerned.
Why this could be a thing: your bf texting another girl is a bit strange TBH – I don’t know, she’s single and getting really cozy to him. There’s a line that hasn’t been crossed, but her asking to switch the sleeping arrangements like that is kind of odd. She could have asked for the queen room by herself why does she has to sleep with you, knowing you and your bf wanted to initially be together.
The sleeping arrangements don’t make sense to me.
So while free disney passes sound kind of nice – they are $100 a day per person. So if you’re going to spend 3 days that’s $600 for your boyfriend and yourself. While you’re paying $1000 for Marissa’s share of the accomodations. So you’re getting $600 for spending $1000.
Just refuse – change it so that you and your bf get your own room and you don’t pay Marissa’s hotel stay. Let them sort it out.
The change of sleeping arrangements is a deal breaker in my book – why change the sleeping arrangements. Just get separate rooms then.
I think you can either go with this, and nothing bad happens, you have fun but no sex for you and your bf in Disney. Which to me, is a huge waste. But everyone is happy except you.
Or you can tell them that you want the King bedroom and if not you’ll just get a separate different room with your bf.
I think you should calmly discuss this with your bf – tell him your concerns – that you are not ok with not sleeping with him during the trip, and that you feel very bad with her texting him all the time. Ask him to at least be in the same room as you in order to show that there really is nothing between them. You’re not being unreasonable.
Sounds to me like one of the guys doesn’t want to sleep on the same room as another guy, or isn’t comfortable with you being with your boyfriend for some reason.
So it looks like that guy that asked is the asshole (the one who wants the king room), and maybe Marissa is just playing along to appease everyone. Or maybe it’s Marissa pulling the strings.
Seems like king bedroom is mine guy is a controlling person, jealous, and is trying to manipulate things for his own advantage. If he really is a controlling person then he will be super nice and sweet at first but then show his colors when things get rough.
And maybe Marissa is scared of him and doesn’t want to sleep by herself knowing that. So what it means is that this trip might be cancelled if you choose separate rooms cause she won’t be able to afford a room by herself.
What kind of vibes do you get from the king bedroom is mine guy?
It sounds like they’re trying to make it easier to sneak around on the trip.
Ex-Long Distance Friend (F26)*
I wouldnāt even want to go on this trip anymoreā¦..
The whole thing has turned weird AF. Thanks, Marissa. šš¼āāļø
She is flirting with your boyfriend. Maybe he is into it.
please give an update. Ty
This isn’t about your friend honing in on your bf, it’s about how shitty your bf is at being a partner.
This dude has 0 respect for you or your feelings.this kinda behaviour isnt going to change or improve, what kinda person would rather sleep on a shitty pull out with a friend instead of in a comfortable bed with their partner? Dump him as use the money on a solo trip or something with other friends.
Your boyfriend seems to enjoy her attention. I think they are already emotionally connected. Not sure where you fit in here
Your bf is already cheating on you. In your face. This is a full blown emotional affair.
Wait she has a problem sharing a room with a childhood friend or taking the sleeper sofa? Did Marissa start dating someone who might have a problem with her sharing a room with her childhood male friend or sleeping on the sofa and maybe that’s why they all volunteered you two to share? Or is it your a couple issue that the boys decided about and convince her into suggesting? These are questions you need to ask her and if your boyfriend gets upset that you are talking to allegedly your friend then you might want to back out of the trip all together because this is a boyfriend issue that might not get fixed in time for vacation.
You stand up for yourself and your original plans. You and your boyfriend sharing the king suite makes perfect sense and was okay before Marissa decided to make a change up. She has her reasons ā¦ and that reason is probably because she has a crush on your boyfriend and doesnāt want you sleeping together in such close proximity to her. The constant texting is crossing the line and should be stopped. Itās disrespectful and itās playing a dangerous game. Donāt give in to her manipulations.
Your boyfriend is into Marissa.
LOL sheās going to try to sneak out of the middle of the night to fuck yo man, better sleep with one eye open the whole time š
They can’t uninvited you. You paid for the rooms. You can just as easily cancel the rooms. You may take a hit money wise for a cancelation fee but if your bf continues to not support you in this do it. Marissa is planning on sneaking into the bedroom where your bf will be sleeping when you are asleep is what I’m betting on
Your BF should have consulted YOU first before he jumped onto the recliner idea. I understand that you are going on a friends trip but if what you are telling us is true then his first commitment should be to you, not the āguysā, to which this girl is definitely not one of. How long have you been together? From what youāve said, it sounds like he might be a little immature/not prepared for a real relationshipā¦ who messages another woman at night and all day every day? I donāt even do that with my best buds. If youāre mature enough to admit you over reacted to his response to the bedroom arrangements he should mature enough to admit he should not have agreed to them without consulting you.
This is all wrong. Just wait until they “accidentally” fall asleep on the same bed. Be careful, my BIL cheated on his gf with her best friend while she was sleeping.
Stand up for yourself and put your foot down. She’s flirting with him and he’s allowing it
Please update this OP- Iām invested
Your bf is an idiot. Bro, that was so dumb. So so dumb.
Of course the couple stays in the bed together.
Id bail on the trip and the boyfriend.
He has already said mean thi gs to you during your fight that he cant take back.
Hasnt taken your feelings into account.
This is your trip as well. It is a time to spend some time together to reastablish your bond.
He is in fact a giant doush.
Yea dude. She is trying to swap the arrangements so it’ll be easier to fuck your boyfriend. The fact that your BF jumped right on that, kinda sounds like he is probably down.
I think itās time to cancel the hotel reservation and back out of the trip. Your bf and Marissa are having an emotional affair. The fact that your bf doesnāt establish boundaries around texting and called you āselfishā when you objected to her proposed new sleeping arrangements tell me all I need to know. Listen to your gut. Common sense: couples sleep together. Whatever stupid explanation they will come up with is mental gymnastics.
Dump both the trip and the bf.
OP he is being played like a piano by M and has not even realized it. If he is that easily swayed, why would you want to be with him anyway. He sounds very immature
Your too old for this garbage.. really
Update: I asked if he would be willing to meet for a face-to-face discussion about what happened. He is adamantly refusing, saying we both need to just get over it. I do want to look through his phone at their messages for my selfish peace of mind, but I understand this is a big boundary to cross if I am wrong. I know this is a stupid question, but should we just have this conversation over text? I am afraid I already know the answer to this.