Like the title says, my wife and I have severely different desires for our sexual life as well as a dramatic difference in drive. We have been together over 8 years now (now 30), and this has been consistently an issue.
I am the only person in the relationship that initiates – I get shot down constantly and I’m closing in on giving up trying all together. We have sex at most once a week ( probably realistically 3 times a month).
Mind you, this is not because we have a bad relationship. We are both extremely happy, have a great deal of friends, a dog, two rewarding careers (we are lucky to not really want for anything), and have been extremely happy within our relationship (outside of the physical part). We truly do love spending time with each other. She is the only person I want to be with.
My problem is honestly our frequency and how “vanilla” what we do is. I really am someone who wants to have sex often – really like once a day but sometimes. This isn’t always possible of course, but it’s what I would like I an I deal world. We’ve had many conversations about this over the length of our relationship – I do not/ cannot ever force her to do what she does not.
This has definitely been the only consistent strain on our relationship.
I don’t know if I should seek outside help- Couseling? Or possibly speak to her about really making a change? I don’t really know where I’m at I guess I’m posting to get ideas as to what to do to keep us both happy in our marriage.
Thanks for reading!
14 comments
I could write a bot to answer a lot of questions on reddit, this is one of them. The majority of time that one partner decides to stop having sex (or much sex), it does not change. There are exceptions of course. But if my friend talked to me about this, I would tell them to divorce and get another partner.
If she doesn’t want to fuck now, it’s only going to get worse as time goes on.
It’s been like this the whole time. She isn’t going to magically change. She doesn’t find sex as much of a priority as you.
I say this every week but is she on hormonal birth control or any other meds that suppress desire? Are her hormones ok.
You should seek a new wife before she gets pregnant from one of these rare encounters. Seriously you two are not going sexually compatible so quit wasting both your time and get back to enjoying life
If your relationship is really very good otherwise, I wouldn’t rush into divorce. Sex is great, but certainly not the most important thing in a relationship. Maybe try some couple’s counseling. Are you making sure that she enjoys the sex when you do have it? Are you communicating with her about what she wants? Are you asking her to do things she doesn’t want to do? Are you taking her out on dates and really flirting with her? Maybe try cuddling more often without taking it towards sex immediately. These things could be what she needs to really get in the mood.
Sorry for the list of questions.
My primary suggestion is to be cautious about framing this as two factions. My side v her side, my desire level v hers. bc thats a slippery slope that just feeds irrational or unfounded fear states like what if it only gets worse from here, or something, and it positions you on opposing ends of the problem, rather than using your relationship as its intended, as a 2 heads are better than 1 scenario, which in this case, is more likely to productively solve the problem.
Like, 1 way to validate that, and thats to keep you both on the same side.
Now, all that being said, does she feel like a woman. And if youre not following, then read up on the divine feminine.
This world, with all its distractions and stressors.. it can suck the virility out of you. Especially women, as many hats are demanded. And if she feels like shes letting you down, then you need to find the right tree to bark up, bc the lack of sex is a downstream symptom, not the primary focus.
Sex is less a talking thing anyhow.
If her sex drive is different, that’s hard. However, if it’s not zero, there’s hope.
Perhaps, something along the lines of a kink questionnaire is in order? It should be robust and have degrees of interest from No Way to Give It To Me, sorts of responses.
The goal? Find what makes the both of you tick, you’ll likely discover something new. You may not increase the amount of sex, but you may greatly increase the quality.
Best of luck!!
Im going through the same issue only difference is im the female and im wanting more sex. He says his drive is low and he is also very vanilla in the bedroom. Im frustrated and fed up!!
Maybe try watching porn together 🤷♀️
If she has always been like this, I would imagine it’s not likely to change. However, if she has the typical highs/lows of mojo over the years, you might be in for a happy surprise. Unfortunately, it might be a long wait. I say this because I have had the ups and downs in libido, but as I get closer to 40 (currently 38/F), I feel like sex drive is at an all-time high.
There will always be something you most likely have to compromise on in a marriage. It sounds like for yours it’s sex. If you divorce and get with someone new you may have to compromise in another area in that relationship, which could be better or worse. Just think about it before you decide to divorce because you said you’re happy other than sex, I don’t think there is any truly ‘perfect’ relationship
Not only how you feel in 10 years but try being sexually frustrated for the next 40 years!!!
Her desire for you may even diminish further as the years pass.
But as say you love her so much than that’s the price you may have to pay.
I can tell you it will get worse after kids. I think you are all set for the deadest of bedrooms in your future. Realistically you leave now or deal with it because she won’t change. This is as good as it gets for you if you stay.