Tl:dr: ex cheated on me, now suspect she cheated extensively and am now questioning my trust in people as well as the relationship as a whole.
Throwaway account due to the nature of the material but I (M/34) split up with my ex (f/32) in January after just over 4 years. Was the only real long term relationship I’ve ever had. Found out in October that she cheated on me with her ex when she went home as I found a video of them having sex which had backed up from her phone to a shared laptop. Tried to make it work but I ended it when I realised that I’d never be able to properly trust her again.
At the time she told me that she hadn’t cheated on me any other time. But a couple of times after I caught her lying about where she was both times she’d say she was with friends but in reality she was having drinks at a bar near where an older guy (m/58) lived. She always said they were only friends but some things just gave me the ick about the situation.
It’s now 5 months since we broke up and I’ve noticed that his dog has appeared in some of her sister’s insta stories and l’ve now worked out that my ex and the older guy are on holiday together and based on where they are staying (insta tags) he’s definitely paying for the whole thing. This leads me to believe that they are together and likely were when we were still in a relationship.
This has thrown everything I thought about the 4 years we had together into disarray. How many other times did she cheat? Did those 4 years actually mean anything? I gave her a lot of trust before the cheating so was that stupid and how many times did she betray that trust? If she’s now with this man who could be her father I’m assuming she’s with him because he’s rich. Did she just stay with me because of all the help and support I gave her rather than love? All the thoughts about my self worth because it was such a huge chunk of my life that now seem pointless and wasted.
I suppose this was more of a share than anything else but how have other people dealt with similar situations? I’m sure that in a year or two time l’ll not even give her a second thought but seems a long way off now!
6 comments
How does it serve your life in a positive and healthy way to ruminate about this?
You need to unfollow her, her family, and her friends. What you’re wondering about is normal, but you won’t be able to move on while you try to figure out what she’s doing.
I had a very similar situation with my ex husband. Found out he cheated even after I took care of him for years. We were together for 8 years and I don’t know how long he cheated on me. I still struggle with trust issues.
So I will tell you something my friends told me. Don’t beat yourself up for being a good partner to a bad person. She is a bad person and will likely cheat on this idiot too. She decided to leave a relationship where she was truly loved to be with her sugar daddy. That is not on you.
As far as trust goes , that is going to be a process. If you don’t have a therapist I would get one to help through this. I am working with my therapist on my trust issues I have and it has been really helpful. It is ok and understandable to have issues with trust at this time, try not to beat yourself up. You are not on a time limit either. Take your time to care for yourself. I hope your healing doesn’t hit too many hard bumps.
You’re dealing with a person with an entirely different moral compass than your own.
There’s not gonna be an explanation for any of this that satisfies you. You’re not gonna understand it if you yourself can’t imagine behaving like this.
What happened is that you were dating a snake. The snake had a nice human girl skinsuit on and played her part well. She could have fooled anyone.
When you first found out about the cheating, you saw a glimpse of what’s underneath.
But of course you don’t believe it. She’s not a snake, no way, she’s the love of my life.
Now there’s still part of you that believes the illusion. Or maybe you just want to believe it so that this whole thing wasn’t for nothing, so you weren’t living a lie for the last 4 years.
Ruminating over everything, putting together the pieces. You’re not looking for the truth, you’re looking for a way to maintain the illusion.
If you want to move on from this. Accept reality, accept who she is and what she’s capable. You have all the evidence you need, you know what she’s done.
There’s nothing else you’re gonna find that’s gonna make you feel better.
This shit happened, it really sucks. But it’s in the past and it’s done. There’s no going back, there’s no changing it.
Question is only whether you want to keep obsessing over it, or do you want to get through it, put yourself back together, let go and move on?
You need to stop following your ex and your ex’s family/friends social media. It’s keeping you from healing emotionally and moving on and finding happiness.
I experienced something similar, but we weren’t together as long. I would suggest talking to a therapist about it, but talking about it didn’t really help me and reliving the trauma repeatedly in conversation didn’t feel very healthy either.
The only thing that really helped was accepting that I was constantly manipulated by a skilled liar and narcissist, and I didn’t know any better. How could I? So I chalked it up to just being totally fooled by her, and realized our relationship was all just one long con.
The constant feelings of shame and embarrassment will fade once you meet someone new.