Okay Reddit. We need your help.
My (30F) husband (30M) and I are planning to start trying for a kid this summer, but we’re disagreeing on how I should be acting in the meantime.
In the summer, we usually drink one night per week and we do weed gummies 1-2 nights per week. While drinking, I’ll have anywhere from 2-4 beers, depending on the occasion.
In my opinion, until I see I positive pregnancy test (which I plan to take regularly) I’m not pregnant and should carry on as usual. However, my doctor advised me and my husband not to do weed gummies because it could affect sperm quality, so we’re planning to stop those after this weekend. But I should still be able to enjoy my 2-3 beers one night per week if I want to (again, in my opinion, since the doctor didn’t express concern about that prior to becoming pregnant).
In his opinion, if we have sex, we should assume that it was successful and I should act as though I’m pregnant. Meaning, no alcohol at all. But since HE’S not the one that’s “pregnant”, he plans to continue drinking one night a week.
We have a trip to Germany planned for this September and he fully expects me to refrain from alcohol the whole time. When I asked him to do the same, he said he didn’t want to go to a country known for their beer and not have any.
I talked to my therapist about it and she suggested my husband speak to a doctor or a therapist about his concerns and let me take care of my own body. He gave me a hard NO to that suggestion.
Then I suggested he ask his friends to see what they think. He said the only opinions that matter are his and mine since it’s about our kid.
How can we have a civil conversation about this?
37 comments
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Scientifically, drinking lowers fertility of men, as well as women. It would just make it harder for you both to concieve.
Maybe just stop trying to have a baby? Tell him you’ll start up again when you’re not on a vacation where you want to unwind with some alcohol.
CDC advice on drinking while trying to get pregnant
Q: Is it okay to drink alcohol if I am trying to get pregnant?
A: You might be pregnant and not know it yet. You probably won’t know you are pregnant for up to 4 to 6 weeks. This means you might be exposing your baby to alcohol without meaning to.
Alcohol use during pregnancy can also lead to miscarriage and stillbirth.
The best advice is to avoid any alcohol use when you start trying to get pregnant.
https://www.cdc.gov/ncbddd/fasd/faqs.html#:~:text=Alcohol%20use%20during%20pregnancy%20can,start%20trying%20to%20get%20pregnant.
If his expectation is for you to abstain from everything, then he should expect nothing less for himself. It’s not reasonable for you to expect things from your partner that you yourself are not willing to give. Trying for a baby can take some couples years. You are only 30, do you really want to give up everything for an indefinite amount of time? Lots of things lower fertility not limited to the things he is asking you to stop doing. Men who spend a lot of time in hot water (like a hot tub or bath or simply sitting on your junk gaming for hours on end) can have reduced fertility due to the prolonged exposure to heat around their genitals. Drinking also lowers fertility and sperm mobility in males. It just seems sexist to me for him to expect things from you that he isn’t willing to give himself.
If your main concern is drinking, you shouldn’t be trying for a baby.
This is just the beginning of decisions. These aren’t even difficult ones and you both can’t sacrifice your escapism.
Having children will only make harder choices and greater sacrifices. You are both signing up for unhappiness with this mentality and inability to happily compromise / problem solve.
You are the one who will carry the baby, assuming you get pregnant. So you get to set the rules about managing your own body and your own drinking. Your husband’s role is advisory only. And if your doctor told you to stop the gummies but had no concerns about your current alcohol intake until you know for sure you are pregnant, why is your husband so unwilling to accept the doctor’s professional advice?
You selected a highly trained, experienced doctor to provide you with top-notch medical care and advice as you try for a successful pregnancy. Yet apparently your husband thinks his opinion should matter more.
If he gets to drink beer in Germany, you get to drink beer in Germany. If he’s so concerned about you possibly getting pregnant and “contaminating” a newly implanted embryo with a few beers, you could either go back on birth control or abstain from sex completely until after you get home from the vacation. Propose that, and see how quickly he changes his mind!
I hate to say it, but this may be a sneak preview of how weirdly controlling your husband may get during your pregnancy. No doubt he is deeply anxious about having a healthy baby, but he needs to find better ways of coping with his stress. He is already treating you like a vessel that has to be kept ultra-safe and free from all toxins, just in case his sperm finds a fertile egg in there. What’s he going to be like by your seventh month of pregnancy? Will he demand that you retire to the bedroom and restrict your movements to reduce the risk of a premature birth, despite your doctor’s advice to keep moving and engage in regular light exercise throughout the final trimester?
If he continues to make unreasonable demands that prioritize reducing his anxiety over meeting your physical and emotional needs, both now while you are trying and after you become pregnant, your husband would probably benefit from some individual therapy and a lot more education about how pregnancy actually works. Good luck!
Both of you could benefit from stopping drinking, not just you. It’s hypocritical of him to think you’re the only one who should cut down.
This is a more serious conversation about your body, risk, etc.
You will find huge amounts of hypocrisy when it comes to raising a child…hone in on that to get your point across.
Would a reasonable compromise be to stop alcohol and gummies after the Germany trip? I wouldn’t want to go to Germany and not have a beer.
Well, for starters this is not your husband’s decision to make, and him trying to forbid you from drinking while he fully intends to keep right on doing it, is a pretty douchey move.
Having said that: If I were trying for a baby, I’d stop drinking and I’d stop other recreational drugs. I just think that would a very wise choice to make, and I don’t understand (never have) anyone’s desire to put their alcohol use over other, more important priorities. Seriously – is drinking *that* important to you?
You need to make a deal with hubs. You both stop while you’re trying. You for the sake of your health and your future baby’s health; him because he’s going to *support* you and stop being an ass about it.
Odd because in my limited experience getting have sex while drunk is a common way to get pregnant.
Look at scholarly articles on how alcohol effects sperm and it’s important for the guy and girl to both stop alcohol if they are trying to get pregnant. If you can’t stop alcohol for your kid then you shouldn’t be having a kid.
I think you two should see a couples counselor (I read that he declined that 🚩) and you should put the TTC on hold until you are better aligned. At least til after your vacation.
He kind of sounds like the kind of guy who has no plans to change his lifestyle due to kids and it’s all going to be on you. He will still be going out with friends leaving you home with a kid. He will still take trips or do his hobbies. But you won’t get to anymore.
I dunno. If I wanted a baby, I wouldn’t be drinking and I’d be on prenatal vitamins because you don’t know you’re pregnant right away and the development can be impacted by alcohol as well as lack of folate. Things like neural tube defects occur before you even know you’re pregnant.
Most of the current recommendations suggest abstaining or seriously cutting back on alcohol 3 mos prior to trying to conceive. And that’s for men and women. But the woman is the one whose drinking can cause birth defects. Men drinking can make it harder to conceive.
As for the whole “if I can’t drink, you can’t drink”….that seems kind of childish on the one hand but still reasonable on the other if he actually wants to fully participate in the process and appreciate the sacrifices you’re making.
I (44F) wouldn’t expect that of my partner personally. Just like I wouldn’t expect him not to go hiking or boating without me if I had a broken leg. To me, life doesn’t need to be put on hold for everyone just because I have a limitation. And I don’t expect to have to put my life on hold for someone else. But an injury or illness aren’t optional nor are they a “team sport” where pregnancy is.
I honestly wouldn’t procreate with this guy til you two are better aligned and I’d make couples counseling a priority. If you two are having challenges now, just wait til you’re parents. It doesn’t get easier when you add a kid to the mix.
If drinking in September is that important to you and he remains stubborn and unwilling to hear you out or educate himself, postpone trying to have a baby. It’s only a few months. It’s your body, you get to make decisions. Furthermore what if you actually are pregnant in Germany?
We tried to conceive for three years. My doctor said nothing about alcohol being the problem. I would have a cocktail maybe once a week but more in the summer. The only one who had to abstain was my husband while we were doing treatment because we needed the highest quality sperm. Then I couldn’t drink post treatment, in the two week waiting window which would be for fertile people the time between ovulation and missed period. You could try that if your cycle is regular.
But lots of people don’t know they’re pregnant until much later on and make zero lifestyle changes and still have a healthy baby. But you both have to be willing to take that risk and he is not
I don’t think you’re ready for a baby.
Print out all those articles people are pointing out to you and give them to your husband . You can have a conversation after he’s done reading them.
Using his logic, you can continue with the gummies, since you have no sperm to be affected.
I would counterpropose that you just stop having sex 6-8 weeks prior to going to Germany, verify you’re not pregnant, and not have sex until after you return. Problem solved and you can drink all you want. Then listen to all the lame excuses he comes up with as to why this is a bad idea.
Oh, and he’s made it clear that the only opinions he thinks matters are his.
It sounds like he’s not ready for kids, if something as trivial as going to a doctor/ therapist is a hard no. I understand him wanting to drink in Germany, but if he’s so serious about you not drinking, he should as well.
Maybe show him this post and all of the comments, so he realized how ridiculous his double standard is.
think hes showing his true colors. drinking before a positive pregnancy test isnt a big deal at all. all the disclaimers are for people who’ve tried for months/years without success.
either he shuts up or stops drinking too. or you just stop being with him.
No. You’re not pregnant, and you barely drink anyway. It would be different if you were on a bottle of wine a night, but 2-3 beers a week?
Either you both quit, or you carry on as you like until you’re confirmed pregnant. Your husband has zero authority to tell you that you’re “not allowed” a beer. He does not have enough respect for your autonomy.
It’s also gross that he can demand you stop, but won’t stop himself? I mean, you’re the one who will be growing and birthing an entire person. But skipping a couple beers is too much support to ask of him? Not to mention the effect of alcohol on sperm.
I’d die on this hill, frankly. I have strong opinions about personal autonomy though.
I’m also married to an alcoholic. So if anyone knows anything about wanting someone to quit drinking, it’s me. And I still say your husband is wrong.
This man is giving you a sign about the kind of father he is about to become.
And it’s not a good one.
>He said the only opinions that matter are his and mine since it’s about our kid.
Except he doesn’t give a damn about your opinion. He wants to hold you to one standard while he does whatever he wants.
I’m really not loving the way he’s treating you. Are you sure you wanna have a kid with this guy?
I mean at this point, I wouldn’t want to have a child with a man who refuses to accept that the rules apply to both people.
I think this issue is deeper than you’re actually considering it is. He’s showing you, right now, from even before you get pregnant, that YOUR life will change because of the pregnancy and baby, but HIS life will remain exactly the same, at least that’s his intention and he’s showing it with his actions.
This is incredible common and based on misogyny. A lot of men really believe, in their inner core, that raising children is “a woman’s task” and they are only present to be the “fun dad” while not having to do the most difficult task in child care. So I think that before you get pregnant (put the process on pause) you need to have a broader conversation with him about raising children in general, how the life of both will change (or it should) and what support will he give you in your pregnancy when you do get pregnant. Try to assess if his answers are sincere if he says he’ll be supportive, and not just paying lip service, and reframe the entire conversation about alcohol in general related to the support he’s willing to provide with your pregnancy, and child care.
I think you should stop planning to try for a baby until this is worked out, honestly. If he’s already trying to control your body like this, and being this stubborn about it, I don’t see it getting better when you’re actually carrying his child. Work this out, *then* start trying. And consider yourself lucky – a lot of women, their partners don’t change like this until they’re *already* pregnant. You got a warning shot. Take advantage of it.
So he won’t listen to what a doctor says because only “your and his opinions matter because it’s your kid,” but he also isn’t listening to your opinion. He should either ask a doctor and if the doctor agrees with him, he should also go sober in solidarity
>He said the only opinions that matter are his and mine since it’s about our kid.
I feel like he doesn’t actually think your opinion matters, though
Look, if he can’t go into this with the idea that you both give things up in order to support one another, then you will have a miserable resentful pre-pregnancy, pregnancy, breastfeeding, and small child rearing experience. You’ll be ‘responsible mom’ and he’ll be ‘fun dad’ leaving you to pickup the pieces. I’ve seen it again and again with men who know everything and don’t want any part of *their* life to change. Giving up alcohol and weed for a year or so while trying and during pregnancy is the least he can do to share the burden of reproduction, even if the affects are only mental and emotional.
If you have children with someone who’s so selfish and resent his lack of involvement, then why be with someone who won’t treat it as a partnership?
Hey I am a licensed physician in the US.
To be honest your husband has a point, drinking when attempting to conceive can be detrimental to your baby’s development, particularly during the first trimester and particularly if you are binge drinking which for females is anything more than 3 drinks in a sitting. While it sounds good to take pregnancy tests regularly, pregnancy tests do not become positive until a couple weeks of development.
That being said raising a family is a joint effort and if you are both not on the same page and your husband is not willing to compromise on your (very reasonable btw) demand maybe it is not time to start a family.
Wish you the best.
I personally think if you two can’t agree on and have civil conversations about things like this before the baby is even here or in process to be here, maybe it’s not time to have kids together just yet. Or if he can’t support you by also at least cutting back on his drinking while insisting you don’t drink, maybe this person isn’t ready to be your copilot while bringing life into the world. He has a lot of suggestions about how you should be during this time, but does he have any on how he can support you during this time?
You are asking internet strangers HOW to have a civil conversation with your husband about something as mundane as not drinking for a few months.
You are looking for validation from others to support your position when he has already made it clear that won’t change his mind and he can’t be bothered to not drink while insisting you don’t. You’re considering drinking while leading up to trying to get pregnant rather than avoid it altogether to be safe, and he refuses therapy because….reasons.
Call me crazy but to me it doesn’t really sound like a kid is what you two should be focusing on at the moment.
If y’all are fighting about this you are not ready to have a baby, how controlling is he going to be once you are pregnant.
Honestly, if you’re bickering over something so dumb you might want to rethink this baby