My husband (M27) belittles me (F25) while we’re in arguments..is divorce the best option?

47 comments

1. Well I certainly agree with you that he’s not approaching arguments in a healthy way and that’s overall unsustainable for a relationship.

   I think the context matters though. You are married, have been together for your entire adult life and have a lot built up, so if you wanted to try and avoid divorce you could always seek couple’s counseling to help him manage his emotions better when you do have disagreements, as a last ditch effort. If this were your boyfriend for a year or two then yeah I’d say let it go, but in your case I can understand giving it a last try with the help of a professional.

   Of course if you think that you’re done, that’s totally valid as well and you have every right to divorce him over that.

2. I fear you actually know the answer here my lovely but want validation.
   In my experience, he’s controlling and has some very unsavoury qualities and tendencies that borders narcissistic.
   You are better off cutting this cancer out of your life.
   Sadly you’ve lost over 7 years of your life and it’s too damn short to be in an abusive relationship and as unhappy as you clearly are.
   I’m sorry for being brutally honest with you my lovely but you know this is the only way.
   Be mindful to share your thoughts with close friends and family just prior to your telling him.
   Otherwise he will flip the narrative and claim victim status and blame you for everything.
   It’s what these types do.
   I wish you well, be strong and any feedback or constructive criticism from you, the OP would be most welcomed.

3. There is never an excuse for a person to destroy their partners self confidence. It isn’t normal behavior and it isn’t healthy behavior.

   Rule of thumb, if you wouldn’t do it to them, because you recognize it as being wrong and hurtful, don’t tolerate them doing it to you.

   Don’t look at yourself through the distorted lens of someone else’s abuse. Trust your gut. It’s calling out to you.

4. I’m sorry you are going through this but if he continues this behavior the inevitable will happen. tell him it is disrespectful to treat you this way and he is too grown not to be able to control his emotions. do you have any children?

5. I guarantee you family counseling is way cheaper and you can both decide amicably without lawyers involved to divorce or not. Trust me, I owe Thousands of dollars and we just agreed on everything last week. Go to counseling and see if they offer divorce mediation as well. It will save you a lot of time and resources.

6. I have been in a similar situation. I stayed ignored him and tried to make it work. When he was no longer getting a rise out of me the abuse got more and more severe and I definitely lost myself and started being bitter and resentful like him.
   Divorce now walk away even with kids it’s hard but you deserve better. He needs therapy. You need to love yourself more. You deserve to be happy to even if you have reacted poorly. We all make mistakes it’s our ability to learn from them that can improve our quality of life.

7. Baby , this makes me so sad to read. You sound devastated. This is abuse .

8. What causes the arguments and what exactly did you say to him that caused him to say awful things. Not blaming simply asking or does he just randomly go off?

9. One of life’s best and somewhat disappointing realisations is that you cannot change or rescue people.

   Only the individual can do that themselves

10. An apology is worthless without a change in behavior. So far his system has worked for him: belittle, apologize, be forgiven, repeat.

    You cannot force him to change, but you can change your reaction to it. What do you want to do next time it happens?

    Here is what I came up with:
    – stop communicating and leave the room.
    – pause and repeat his words back to him “you just called me…”
    – leave for a few days
    – leave the marriage

11. It’s a shitty situation in your case, arguments happen but to continually belittling you is not right one bit. Personally you might try counseling see where that goes, if not your probably better off getting divorced

12. Yeah it’s not going to get better just worse and at least if you divorce now you’re still young and you have a lot of time to find someone who will be nice to you for life.

13. Well, murder is illegal, so yeah divorce is arguably a better option.

14. Leave, in 6 months you will be jumping for joy. You don’t know what’s right or wrong because you have been abused for 7 year. You second guess yourself because your self worth has been taken away. Find someone that will lift you, not tear you down. That isn’t love.

15. Honestly, when in argument, people loose their minds and say things that they shouldn’t. I am not at all saying that its right but you need to give benefit of doubt. That he apologizes later on shows that he does realize his mistake and respects you. Anger issues are hard to clean up. Work with him, take it slow and make him understand what he might loose. I am sure he will come around and it will work out for you guys

16. I’m sorry you’re going through this, if he was truly sorry he wouldn’t keep doing it. You can only change, save, help yourself. for me, to love someone is to truly care for their happiness more than my own but only if it’s not at the expense of my happiness. I’ve only been in love once so far, no offense but it would seem you have yet to be in true love… Yet. You’re very young, you have your best years ahead of you. It’s up to you if your best ones are average or amazing… Do you see the best years of your life with him in them belittling you? Or with someone else showing you how awesome you are by his actions rather than words?

17. i do wanna say that my ex boyfriend did this exact thing. I had the same thoughts in the beginning about some red flags. Once we broke it off, I felt a giant weight of my shoulders. I felt happy and not held back.

18. Sometimes asking for advice on a Reddit thread isn’t the best but you know what you got to do and you do what’s best for you if you think that the situation is caustic and it’s better to leave then leave while you have the chance safely

19. Your husband is abusive, he may not be laying his hands on you but he is verbally and emotionally abusing you. This is not ok, you now see him for what he is and he’s not going to magically change after 7 years. Do what is best for you right now and that is to get free before he turns you into a shell of the woman you once were.

20. Have boundaries. You gotta scare him, tell him if it happens again you’re just not going to care about the relationship anymore. Don’t feed into his tantrums. Stay quiet. Elegant. Appear numb. Make him look stupid. Bake cookies, read, do your makeup or hair. Look good. You don’t care what da hell he says. Accept his apologies with a blank face minimal words.

21. Your frontal lobe has developed so your need to tolerate bullshit has gone down by like 70%-also remember a thousand cuts can still kill you too.

22. I think being abusive in arguments is a really bad thing for relationships.

    There’s an emotional bank account that you two share. When he belittles you he makes huge withdrawals.

    So I understand it’s very draining. What does he do to make up for it? He apologizes. And it’s not enough. What do you want him to do exactly? You have to tell him.

    There are some things you cannot change about a person. These are their unsolvable problems.

    You might think moving on and finding someone else you won’t have to put up with this – and it’s true. But you will have a different set of unsolvable problems. So you will fight about something else.

    Fighting is normal in a relationship – there are things you will never agree on. It’s up to you to decide if the way he argues with you is a deal breaker.

    So knowing you will have fights in any healthy relationship, think about ways to minimize the negative impact his belittling has.

    And if you cannot find a way to do so then you can end it.

23. I hate to hear that you are where you’re at right now. My advice is to try to start communicating better; and this will take both of you, possibly even a counselor to help with that. Then if that fails look to end the relationship. Good luck 👍.

24. If he says he means those things, it means the times he’s not saying them is the facade. You need to get out before he shreds more of your self esteem.

    https://www.loveisrespect.org/

25. Okay what everyone is saying is true do not put up with his behavior. However I was/still am that guy. I’m not going to make a bunch of excuses but I’m him it sounds like.

    That being said my wife is a saint for putting up with me. Just know we can change I have just been pig headed for so long that I can’t even remember when it finally clicked for me.

26. Red flags all over.
    People who change don’t talk about it.they just do it.
    He’s not showing immediate change, and considering he is a sentient adult, he either needs to learn willpower IMMEDIATELY or he has got to go.

27. You could try changing how you argue. In my opinion when you’re in a relationship any arguments should be both of you working together on a solution or compromise, not arguing against one another.

28. To be in a positive relationship you need to learn to fight fair. You could try marriage counseling but if you are already past your point you should choose yourself and move on even if it’s hard. If there are children involved even more reason. I’m so sorry that you have to deal with this.

29. I have been in your shoes before, and I thought all relationships were just like that – until ended up in one that wasn’t. And 13 years later, my now husband has still never belittled me. So take it from somebody who has come out on the other side: it can get so much better than this, and you DESERVE better than this. Think hard about if you want to stay with somebody who makes you feel like shit. Good luck, OP.

30. I feel so bad for you, and I can relate too. The girl I’ve been seeing for the last 8-9 months started off really sweet, really kind and caring, always asking me about my day, etc, and in the last 2 or 3 months she’s just done a complete 180. Berates me constantly, calls me names, ignores me for hours, etc.

    I have a great group of friends who love spending time with me and don’t call me names, or make me feel stupid, and they laugh at my jokes and are interested in what I have to say. Last night I decided that I’m not okay with being spoken too like trash by someone who’s meant to care about me, so I’m done. I hope you can find the confidence to do what’s right for you <3

31. Sorry your in this situation. That’s an unfair way to argue.

    Have you told him when he does it (labeled it in the moment) and how it makes you feel (during after after)?

    Couples counseling could be an option. Him going to a therapist could be another added benefit, considering he’s expressed a desire to change.

    Sometimes a come to Jesus like “I love you but I’m going to leave you if this doesn’t change.” Type of lana gauge can provoke a deeper commitment to resolving the issue.

32. He knows what he is doing. He knows he is hurting you. It is not your fault. You don’t deserve to be treated this way. There are no excuses for abuse. Plain and simple.

33. This does NOT happen in all relationships, there are people out there perfectly capable of discussing a problem without belittling or insulting you. You deserve that.

34. He’s hitting you with words. He likes to see you hurt, crying, upset, sulking. He likes that all has to say is sorry. Buy you something maybe take you out to dinner. The way he sees it, he needs to hurt you. And you need to hear nice words of love and a purse in exchange.

    You can’t assume an abuser thinks or rationalizes like you do. They don’t. An abuser takes your forgiveness as acceptance. Everytime. If you leave and he has to work harder he’ll do it. And somehow still be mad at you for breaking up.

    As far as he’s probably concerned, you guys have an understanding. He gets to treat you like shit, and you get the rent paid, loving words occasionally, a trip. And honestly as time goes on all of those things diminish.

    It turns into he gets to treat you like shit. And you get to take it. Cause clearly you like it. Obviously you agree and believe it. He must have really been right all along. (/s)

    In other words. This only gets worse.

35. Instead of telling him it will be ok, you need to do the opposite. At a time when there is no argument, just a peaceful discussion, tell him that when he belittles you during an argument he breaks you a little. And even if his apologies are sincere, they don’t fix the break. These breaks don’t go away, they add up. Tell him that you don’t know where his anger is coming from but that you can’t bear the burden of it any longer. You are telling him all of this now because you realize you cannot continue breaking because it is getting close to the point of no return. Where you are going to have to prevent serious, long term damage to yourself. And there is only one way for you to prevent further breaking and that is to remove you from the possibility of allowing it to happen.

    But he can prevent these outbursts by learning how to disagree civilly. Ask him to come up with a plan that will allow him to do that. Acceptable plans might be counseling, or self help books.

    This conversation might be a big blow to him. That’s good. He needs to understand the gravity of the situation, that he alone is responsible for preventing further outbursts, that he is hurting you, and that his behavior affects his future relationship with you. Tell him you’re not going to help him with this right now ( you won’t book appointments, research and suggest books, etc). But after he gets his journey started will will give him all the support and help he needs.

36. Stop living your life waiting for change. Unless you can say to yourself everyday you’re perfectly fine with the way you’ve been treated then you need to step away. If he’s not interested in counseling or listening to you enough to do right, then you know what you need to do.

37. He needs to be humbled parents raised a potty mouth will he be trained out of it only time will tell but you need to put your foot down and either therapy for him only or he leaves

38. So I don’t have a husband, but my current “boyfriend” (could be a stbxbf) does similar things in arguments that absolutely crushes me. If I was more naive I might have thought this was normal, but I was with my ex for almost 7 years and even though we did not end on good terms, every single argument we had right up to the very end, he controlled himself, he listened to what I had to say, he never tried to mock me or belittle me or gaslight me or manipulate the argument in any kind of way. I’m normally a hothead and I get angry easily, and when I’m angry I’m also highly emotional and I cry easily, but my ex was a calm and collected person and it really helped keep our arguments balanced. I felt loved and respected.
    My current boyfriend does none of that. When I raise concerns about very real issues in our relationship, he always meets me with a “yeah yeah yeah whatever” kind of tone, he gaslights me in subtle ways and even in the situations where he recognizes that he fucked up and actually validates my emotions, he still has this “yeah I fucked up but you just have to get over it” attitude, with no real promises of change, because at the end of the day he’ll just end up doing whatever he wants to do
    Our relationship is hanging by a thread because of this and I don’t know if I can take it much longer. It’s absolutely gut wrenching.

39. When someone shows you who they are, believe them.

    It’s not that he’s done it. It’s that you’ve told him it’s not acceptable. He’s agreed and said it would stop. Then keeps doing it. It’s broken trust over and over. Death my a thousand cuts.

40. If he meant his apology the first time, he would have stopped by now. You don’t need to put up with this trash for the rest of your life. If you don’t have kids now, leave, you’re still so young. Make something of yourself without him.

41. His belittling is a symptom of the fact that he does not respect you. Ask him if he treats his boss that way in an argument. He talks to you that way because he can.

    You are too young to put up with this.

    Love yourself and do not allow someone else to cut you down like this.

42. Here is what is happening:

    When you want to win an argument, you have to have better points. If you don’t, or if you don’t get your points across, then you have to break the adversary.

    Since he can’t win the argument, he attacks you as a person so you’ll get hurt enough that you will shut up, which in turn means he actually won the argument.

    This means that he does it to hurt you indeed, since the point IS to break your spirit (even if semi-consciously). And you can also know that anytime someone attacks you personally instead of attacking your points, they know they don’t have a leg to stand on. They can feel that they are losing so they try to hurt.

    Note that for these people, there is only winning or losing. No middle ground, no compromise. And they must win. It’s sad but it gives you a tool to not be hurt anymore. Know that they are the one acting like kids

43. My husband and I got into an argument today. He raised his voice at me. He left the room, came back, and immediately apologized. Then we calmly spoke about the issue. Raising your voice is a normal thing to do when you’re angry. Belittling your partner is not.

44. > I thought I could change him or maybe maturity could.

    Ah welcome to the path that so many women before you have tread.

    I’m sorry to hear that you’re not feeling heard in your relationship. I also go through this with my brother. He swears & belittles me, then takes no responsibility for it afterwards. I also treat him with respect, even though I’m angry with him.

    Point being: You cannot change someone’s behavior if they feel there’s nothing wrong with it.

    Lay down your boundaries & stick to them. Don’t be afraid to walk. It may take 100 women walking out of his life before he’ll realize **he’s the problem.**

45. *”I thought I could change him…”* if his hair was blonde, do you think marrying him would change him into a redhead? Never, never, never marry someone you already know has a problem with anger, with the assumption that “you can change him”. He hasn’t changed because he feels no need to change. He says he will change, repeatedly, but it’s only words. In truth, he’s satisfied with how he now is, and 5 years from now, you’ll be in the same situation.

    I would suggest sitting him down for a serious discussion, but given your description of his method of “discussing” things with you, I will refrain.

    Perhaps you should take some time and write him a letter, telling him exactly how his aggressive treatment of you damages your heart, and has been doing so for 7 years. That he constantly says he’ll improve, but never does, and it’s time for him to think whether or not he’s happy with his life, because you aren’t, and that he should know that the marriage is on shaky ground.

    Ask him to read the letter twice before attempting to discuss it with you, and to think long and hard what he’ll say and the way he’ll say it.

    I wish you well.

46. I’m going to say this as softly as possible. You’re being abused and I don’t know how to help you. Im so sorry.

47. Story time: my (F37) wife (39F) used to get so heated during an argument, she’d raise her voice, use a very sarcastic/contemptuous tone, speak over me, tell me what I felt etc. This used to happen almost every time she was angry. After 2 years of dealing with this, I told her this behaviour needs to change or I’m gone.

    She was in denial it was a problem and told me I was the one with conflict issues/unrealistic expectations of how couples argue. I stuck to my guns. Told her it changes or I’m gone. We almost broke up. We sought couples therapy as a last resort.

    Fast forward 2 years. She’s completely different. She’s a lot calmer. Talks through her anger now. She still skips on occasion, but I pull her up on it and she stops.

    Moral of the story: If someone truly loves you and values you, they’ll change. They’ll see that what you need is important. I also did some work (I was quite conflict avoidant, but now I lean into conflict and hold my own).

    If he doesn’t change this behaviour, leave.