TLDR husband cheated 7 years ago and is starting to show signs again.
The title is basically it. 7 years ago my husband of 11 years had an affair with a coworker. Worse, after I found out he had to leave the country with said AP for a while for work. She was on his team of about 20 people. He said nothing else happened but we decided to work on the marriage when he came home. And I took his word for it. It wasn’t easy by any means and we only got to a great spot in our marriage with in the last couple years. We did individual counseling and couples counseling and even moved away from our families to have a fresh start. We had both changed a lot and grew up a lot and were happy.
He’s been at this job for 5 years and the last couple of months I’ve noticed some old habits coming back up. Little white lies, such as where he went to lunch, even though he was only with the guys he works with. He defended his best friend when it came out he had been having an affair with his wife’s friend. I found out he knew about as soon as it started too (That was a huge hurdle to get over for us). Or locking the bathroom door when he goes in there to use it or for a shower. And he’s started guarding his phone again. If I mention going through it (I haven’t even asked to touch his phone in years and normally trust he isn’t doing anything that crosses boundaries) he will say it’s fine but then start saying things like “this is really toxic behavior but if you feel you need to then I guess” so I back off.
We went out of town for a class he needed to take for work (me going was approved by his boss and HIS idea) and Today while he was in said class. I locked the keys and my phone in our car and needed to call triple a. He had a break from his class not long after and I waited till then to try and tell him but he disappeared for half an hour where no one could find him. His teacher even walked me around their workroom to find him and he was gone. When he did show up he said he was in his workroom and when I said I knew he wasn’t he mumbled something about the bathroom.
I asked to just use his phone to call triple a myself so he could go back to the class when it started back up and he got very defensive. Snapping at me that I didn’t need it and he would just leave the class when they showed up and let me know to go out and meet them. He went back to class and when he came out for lunch he was his normal self again, trying to joke with me and have fun. When I brought it up again he changed the subject and didn’t even acknowledge I had said anything.
I think I’m going crazy, but I also felt this way right before I found proof of his affair last time as well. And him being protective of his phone isn’t a huge red flag by itself, but there are other things he’s done that worries me. If Im over reacting then that’s great! Just another thing to talk through with my therapist. If not then again, something to bring up to my therapist. If I try to come out and ask he is always quick with the “I don’t have time for another woman” speech. Is this something I should push or just leave it alone?
36 comments
OP,
If he’s got nothing to hide, he can easily hand you his phone. Trying to make you out to be the bad guy aligns with your perception.
Personally, if you ask for the phone and he says this is really toxic behavior, you simply answer, “yes it is because you have told me several little lies and are behaving similarly to the last time you cheated. I deserve the truth!” And hold your hand out.
Yeah he’s likely cheating again, all signs point to yes. Confront him
Oh geez… I don’t want to be negative, but having gone through what you have gone through I am worried for you. He cheated previously and should understand by now the appropriate way to respond to you when you feel insecure. He should be loving and accommodating, no matter how long it has been. Lying in any way, even white lies should not be accepted. Trust your gut as they say and do not let him gaslight you again.
You need to first relax and think. If he is cheating again will you take him back? I hope not. You need to know yourself worth. You need to have a plan if he is cheating. Also his you being toxic is because of his behavior and actions so don’t buy into it and shut him down.
What? Being super defensive over his phone isn’t a huge red flag? YES IT IS. My husband and I can look at each others’ phones any time we want. I rarely, rarely do because there’s never anything there. But if he was being shady, you can bet I’d be going through it. You are being gaslit and even gaslighting yourself into thinking this behavior is normal.
He’s a cheater. His friends are cheaters. They’re laughing at you, and all the other wives who choose to believe they can change a cheater – by cooking for them, feeding them, keeping their house clean, giving them sex etc etc. Don’t be kne of those women that wastes their life. Oh and he obviously fu ked that co worker on the work trip AFTER you found out. Of course he did. And he’ll carry on because you let him off already.
My wife’s phone dies all the time and she asks to use mine. Sometimes I have taken pictures of a family get together so she asks to see it for that. Other times she just wants to go on the internet. I have nothing to hide so she knows she can pick up my phone and use it. People who guard their phones from a spouse have something more going on.
The signs are on the wall. Prepare your exit plan, put your ducks in the row and stop being naive. He cheated, maybe he had put some effort previously but now he is comfortable. He is annoyed and he did nothing to show you or assure you that everything is ok. He brought this insecurity by cheating. You have gut feelings, trust them.
My advice – stop caring, start to go on some unexpected “meetings”, mimick his behavior. Call him to take care of children with excuse that it’s important and prolong your estimate time. Stop doing what you were doing so far. Either he will recognize this behavior and start to be suspicious or he is so deep that he would be oblivious and then you know that you are not worthy in his eyes of effort anymore. But give him at least this F*CK YOU.
Once a cheater always a cheater, he’s probably been cheating this entire time.
Yes, I wish you the best and hope you find what you are entitled to.
You never take back a cheater. They don’t change ever.
You’re a much more forgiving person than I am . The fact is,He lied to you!. He deceived you! And after forgiving him and trying to move on . He has started to lie again little white lie or not . He broke your trust !!! He has done this to YOUR RELATIONSHIP. Being secretive with his phone – your jot going crazy . He did the worst thing you can do to a relationship and he’s gas-lighting you . I don’t think the question is is my husband cheating but can you stay . There’s clearly no trust on your end I couldn’t live my life like that. Always wondering the sick feeling it gives literally worrying sick . You need to confront him ask to see his phone . If he has nothing to hide he will show it m after all . Your acting out this way because of what HE has done to you .
You should’ve had a plan in place for when it happens again. Letting him get away with it the first time was just giving him permission to do it again. He just knows how to hide it better except when it comes to body language and behavior. All you can trust is your gut not him.
There’s only one correct way to deal with cheaters and you didn’t do it. Cheaters are going to cheat.
Hire a private investigator. Start getting your ducks in a row so you can have the upper hand if/when the cheating confirmation comes in this time. Blindside him with divorce papers – he deserves nothing less for squandering his second chance.
Yeah he cheating again..
You dont need anymore evidence than this.
Just kick him out or leave..
But if evidence is what you want.. wait to catch him off guard, ‘ give me your phone, I want to look through it’
And don’t take no for an answer, and don’t let him leave the room,
Say to him ” if you don’t hand it over, or attempt to leave the room, your only clarifying your cheating and you can pack up and leave, those are your choices pack up and leave and we get divorce or hand your phone over”
When he hands it over check everything app, pictures, and check for deleted messages..
If nothing there, instead a voice activated recorder into his car.
But you should get all you need from his phone, dude sleeping with co worker again that why he disappeared at a work thing…
If he don’t hand over phone you know he cheating and don’t listen to him when he says it’s not because he cheating but because this is toxic and he deserves privacy.. yeah don’t fool for that one.
He lost his right for privacy of his phone when he banged his co worker.
Throw his arse out or leave just don’t stay. You gave him a second chance that more than he deserved
If u have a feeling, if u have suspicions, or if u have to question his faithfulness, then the answer is yes! U should never have to feel like ur partner isn’t faithful! 🥰
Him being protective and secretive with the phone. Gas lighting you into not checking it. Disappearing acts while in “class”. Yes, he is cheating again. You need to take his phone and no matter what he says and go through it. Turn on location sharing. Check your financials. He is being way, way shady. Push it OP.
Please play along while you work to gather evidence. Have a consultation with an attorney and find out what the process would look like. Right now he’s expecting you to be wary.
I’d either lay back and observe and/or just flat out ask for the phone and don’t let him guilt you out of it.
I simply want you to be prepared for the worst case scenario and not have to be reactive.
Once a cheater always a cheater. The only people who will still be friends with a cheater are people who will cheat. Get a divorce and find someone who loves you as much as you love them.
Oh gosh how absolutely surprising 🙄 you stayed with a cheater and he’s cheating again I am shocked!
Grow a backbone and leave him.
What did ur families have to do with it?
> is really toxic behavior but if you feel you need to then I guess
Nope. He lost the right to privacy when he cheated. Very likely he would cheat again. Why that saying exists.
Can get a PI to follow him. But would anything change if u found out he was?
You know he is hiding something. Based on past behavior, he is cheating. You know this, it’s just his gaslighting you that’s making you doubt yourself.
Stop trying to figure out what you already know, and start figuring out your exit strategy
Before you confront him or ask him anything, go see a divorce attorney. You need to be emotionally and mentally prepared. Know your rights and have a strategy in place of what the exact next steps will be. DO NOT DIVULGE TO HIM YOU ARE THINKING OF DIVORCE. Do NOT ask for his phone yet or anything else. You divorce the person you marry, if he is a cheater and a liar while you are supposed to be in love, it will get far worse during a divorce. Do not give him a head start. This was one piece of advice I regretfully ignored and it cost me dearly.
By consulting with an attorney first, you will feel like you have power and you have a choice. You can talk through the steps logically. You can set up your finances as needed, you know your rights when it comes to either you leaving the marital home or him. Be SCARY logical and methodical about it so if/when you learn the truth, he will be the emotional wreck instead. He will try to apologize or make excuses or blame you, but once you have knowledge and a plan on your side, you can leave emotion out of it while talking to him. He will expect you to fall apart, and that is when the drama begins. Don’t give him that satisfaction. Cry all you need to when you are not with him, but stay stoic.
My individual therapist told me one time to “start preparing for divorce” after my ex and I had a joint session with her. She said he was a man incapable of being truthful, that he got a thrill out of lying (even lying on FB posts about traveling the world when he was sitting next to me in bed!), and would always feel the need to keep secrets. Didn’t matter if he was cheating or not (he was), he was not a transparent person and I was always questioning my sanity. And this is when I thought our marriage was in a good place!!!
OP you are young, if you choose to be in another relationship again you will be wiser and much more discerning. Life is even better on the other side of this mess. Do you really want to be living in self doubt forever?
I acted on a hunch, I couldn’t stand the petty lies. He didn’t seem to have integrity to me and things felt “off.” I didn’t have proof until months after filing, and even then it was far worse then I could have imagined. Today I am tempted to send my ex’s new wife a thank you note for starting their relationship while we were still married. She still doesn’t know about his two boyfriends on the side, but who am I to point that out to her?
Sweetie, as SOON as I saw the word “again”, the answer is yes.
After reading your post, I am positive. He is a cheaty-mccheaterson.
Is this really how you want to live your life? I’m tired just reading about it.
Your first mistake was not leaving him the first time. Your second mistake is going to happen if you don’t leave his ass bc clearly he is cheating again
Why did you stay with a cheater? Have some self esteem
Ignore the manipulative comments. Ask for the phone.
“This is toxic behavior but ok I guess…” is a bs answer.
Reply: “I’d like to see it, thanks. I want to trust you, but I’m not seeing trustworthy actions. I don’t like asking. I dislike lying to each other more. Thanks for agreeing even though you don’t like it. If I’m wrong, I’ll deeply apologize and we can bring it up in therapy.”
You will never get peace with staying with this man.
Sit him down at the counter get a butcher knife lay it on the counter in front of him look him dead in the eyes and say if I get smell your cheating I’ll make a Lorraine Bobbit look like a Girl Scout just kidding tell him how you feel and why or when he’s a sleep if can get to his phone to get proof. Document if there’s anything there and if you do find out he’s cheating go to the lawyer and start your exit plan There is a out side chance it nothing b but you know best I had suspicions my ex-wife was cheating on me, but never could prove it it wasn’t yrs after our divorce that I found out she cheated it was with her at one best friend husband even know it was yrs after it still hurt I am truly sorry your husband cheated on you. I know I know it doesn’t take a way the pain but am sorry he did that to you not all men are rat bastards. Good luck please keep u s up dated
OP,
You know what he is doing, now you need to decide what you will do.
He’s a cheater. You wasted 7 years…. don’t waste any more. Get out. He will always cheat.
Get a PI and killer divorce attorney. Serve the papers publicly at work to embarrass him.
Talk to a lawyer. He brought you along to make it look less suspect and still disappeared, you needed his phone and he wouldn’t give it to you, during a basic emergency.
This sounds exhausting.
The last thing you need to hear is “he’s cheating leave him” as if it’s a simple decision, but let’s pretend for a minute you’re omnipotent. Let’s pretend you know for a fact he is not cheating this time. Take away the cheating factor and look at his behavior and how you are feeling with him.
Is he enriching your life? Are you happy with being lied to consistently, are you happy getting violent reactions to simple requests? Do you feel like you’re a better person with him?
If you’re not happy with him, and already have to take this question to a Reddit forum to discuss, it seems like you can find your answer without finding an answer to the original post question.
I hope you’re doing okay.