I (36/F) have two kids (16/M, 3/F), they are both with me 100% of the time. I do not receive any child support and I am the head of household/sole provider for my family. I make approximately 100K as an independent contractor with my own consulting business.
I am widowed, and my spouse passed away approx. 4 years ago.
I have been dating my partner (41/M) for 1 year and 7 months. He has one child (6/F), he has his child 50/50 with his former partner, he pays child support and makes 120K plus bonus and has full benefits as a salaried employee. He is very stable and loving.
My partner has never been married.
I have never met his former partner and have no desire to – she is a very high conflict person and they often disagree regarding everything from the clothes their child wears, haircuts, what school she will attend, her extracurricular hobbies, etc. Because he has 50/50 custody of his child, we have always spent very little time together when he has his custodial time. Since he only has her half the time, I am a very independent person and we haven’t been dating very long (IMO) this has always been my preference and seemed to work well for everyone. I have never dated anyone who has a child before although children generally love me and I have always had an easy time getting along with children I’ve known.
In the beginning I was very clear about taking things slowly, I did not begin dating for 2+ years after my spouse passed away (my partner is the first/only person I have dated since being widowed). I also vocalized being totally unwilling to consider cohabitation until my son graduated HS early in our relationship. My son will be a senior this upcoming school year.
Slowly over time my partner has essentially disregarded all of my boundaries/concerns about “moving things to the next level”. It is my view that he sees moving in together and getting engaged/married as the primary (if not only) indicators that a relationship “is progressing”.
Recently he got into my phone without my knowledge or permission and read through all my text messages, social media and web history. He did this due to anxiety, fear, and insecurities specifically revolving around why our relationship isn’t “progressing” in the way he thinks it should be.. we almost broke up but decided to try and work through it.
Additionally, it has always been my dream to become a homeowner. I grew up in abject poverty, became a teen parent, am orphaned etc. This drive to succeed and grow (emotionally, financially, creatively, spiritually, in my career. etc) is a huge part of who I am as a person and how I view myself in the world. Due to this I’ve always been a hardworking, fearless and independent person.
Some months ago my partner began pressuring me to buy a house together. We both have near perfect credit, necessary income levels, and savings. I do not make enough income/have enough savings to purchase alone in the area I currently live in.
For reasons beyond my understanding now I entertained this idea as a sort of fun “what if”. We went to several open houses and spoke with a mortgage broker who broke down our pre-authorization limits etc.
We have not applied for pre-approval.
My partner’s current lease ends in July.
His landlord requires 60 days notice.
My current lease ends in October.
My leasing company requires 30 days notice.
As it stands now my partner “lives” at my home with my family and I 100% of the 50% he is child-free and spends 100% of the time he has his child at his own home.
My partner is now heavily, heavily pressuring me to give him the OK to give his notice to his landlord with plans to move into my home with his child and blend our families, with future plans to buy a home together when my lease is up.
I really love my partner and I feel our relationship is generally healthy and balanced however I also feel in my heart of hearts that I do not want to cohabitate because of how uncomfortable I feel being pressured, having my privacy disrespected with the phone thing, giving up my dream of buying a house myself, blending our families during my son’s final year of school and my (non) relationship with his child.
His child has always been extremely cold to me, she is jealous of my daughter with her father and in general is just extremely uncomfortable to be around. I understand it is a delicate situation and I have always tried to give her kindness, show an interest in her, give her space to adjust to her father dating someone, etc. Honestly I would be fine continuing to date and even becoming engaged without cohabitating until his child is much older and more emotionally aware/mature.
This situation is further complicated by his highly restrictive custody agreement. He must live in a certain school district, located in the wealthy suburbs.
I have always made it known that I am an independent and free spirited person. I absolutely HATE the suburbs. Previously I have lived in multiple states in my country and travelled full-time doing “van life” for 5+ years before my husband passed away. The idea of living in a cookie cutter home thisclose to houses on both sides while paying $$$$ to be there makes me sick to even consider.
My partner goes back and forth between saying “we can do whatever you want and of course I want you to have your dream life” to basically disregarding that this goes against what I want so much and pretty much insinuates that I just “don’t understand how good it will be” and “it will be worth it”. He says we can do whatever I want but I know that is not true and we can ACTUALLY do only what his ex-partner agrees to, and they have never agreed on anything ever.
By now with all the pressure and this timeline to give notice to his landlord immediately I feel absolutely sick with anxiety. Today my partner will hand-off custody and come over to spend the week at my place and I feel like hiding under a blanket or jumping off a bridge. I have been vocal about all my concerns all along but also somewhat agreeable about considering all our options, I truly don’t understand how I’ve ended up backed into this corner. We communicate pretty well in that I feel comfortable talking about my needs, fear etc but now with everything closing in I wonder if he’s even heard or respected what I’ve been voicing..
I don’t know if I should just go along with what he wants so badly and hope giving it a shot works out, stand my ground about remaining together but separate or end the relationship since it is now almost exclusively a cause of intense anxiety for me.
If I was to only consider myself and my family I would absolutely be planning to move abroad to a lower cost of living country following my current lease expiration. I work fully remote and this was my life-goal previous to my husband’s death, delayed by his passing and COVID. I am only considering even remaining here and doing any of the above due to my relationship and his inability to do otherwise due to his custody arrangement. Sometimes I feel like the only way to be with him is to give up everything I want for what he wants instead. Further, he tells me that is not true verbally but his actions as well as just the way things are currently leads me to feel this way.
TLDR, My partner (41/M) is pressuring me (36/F) to move in together. I need advice on establishing a healthy timeline to cohabitate or is his behavior a red flag?
30 comments
It’s not clear whether you’re asking for help establishing a timeline or wondering if you should end the relationship and move abroad. These are obviously two very different things. But as you’ve promised your kid he can finish high school in your current situation that’s roughly a year you’ve got to think more about this. You obviously can’t let yourself get pressured into something you don’t want. But you should also be researching the immigration possibilities for these “lower cost of living” countries you cite. Most immigration is based on work visas and it’s notoriously difficult for the self-employed to move internationally. So you should at least know what your options are, if any.
>I really love my partner and I feel our relationship is generally healthy and balanced however I also feel in my heart of hearts that I do not want to cohabitate because of how uncomfortable I feel being pressured, having my privacy disrespected with the phone thing, giving up my dream of buying a house myself, blending our families during my son’s final year of school and my (non) relationship with his child.
You are very clear on what you want.
So is he.
And those things are not compatible.
you don’t seem compatible. Also going in together on a home is risky,,,just in case things don’t work out so the house should be in either your name or his. if you still want o continue the relationship tell him you are not ready until your child graduates.
As another fiercely independent person I beg you to move abroad and live your dream.
I don’t know if this guy is right for you only you know that. But I’m definitely weary of the pushy and of the phone incident.
Stay strong to what you want. You’ll regret giving into what he wants if the relationship goes south, you’ll never regret succeeding in the dreams you have for yourself.
He disregards your feelings and pressures you to do something you’re not ready for. He also violated your privacy. Kick this one to the curb.
Honestly, it would’ve been over for me after the phone thing…
Regarding the immediate pressure about his lease, he has a good job and earnings, so it should not be difficult for him to renew or get a place. You don’t have any obligation to him in that respect. He is choosing that pressure.
You are very clear about what you want for yourself, you’ve achieved a lot, and you should dig your heels in to maintain that and take care of your boundaries. He is entirely able to manage living in his own place.
There’s potentially a lot at stake becoming entangled together with property, and feeling railroaded into something that would not make you happy. I know the nature of the ex partner is not ultimately his fault, but getting drawn further into a situation like that can lead to a lot of stress for you. Your idea of living separately until all the children are significantly older sounds like the right approach.
This pressure in itself is offputting and counter-productive. If he keeps going on like this and doesn’t listen to you, then it does become a red flag.
Personally, I would always treat going through peoples phones and computers as an absolute instant red flag, though I know some peoples outlooks on that differ here.
It doesn’t matter what he wants, if you’re not ready to move in then you’re not ready. He has to wait for you to be ready; this is a 2 way street. You’re not asking him to move abroad with you because it isn’t a possibility for him, and he needs to give you the same grace of respecting your capabilities.
You haven’t been together for two years. I would not buy a house together. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT. Tell him about your intense anxiety you are feeling and stick to your boundary. Wait till your graduates. I feel ick with how much he is pressuring you. Take a break from him and reevaluate your relationship.
Don’t raise your daughter to believe a relationship happens on a man’s terms and his only.
Don’t raise your son to believe he should bully a woman into marriage.
Don’t get yourself into the habit of letting men stomp over your boundaries.
>Recently he got into my phone without my knowledge or permission and read through all my text messages, social media and web history.
Weather you are compatible in the future or not remains to be seen but going into your phone and without permission is a huge read flag! It shows he does not respect basic boundaries no less your personal boundaries.
You seems to know what you want so giving into him with just cause you stress and anxiety for the rest of your life because you will always be wondering what if.
Life is a series of choices and you are at a cross roads. There is no correct path, you just choose the best you can to be as happy as you can with the years you have left.
Personally the phone thing would be the end of the relationship for me. You have to assume that his anxiety and mistrust are only going to get worse if you live together and get closer.
Don’t under any circumstances succumb to his pressure, and don’t entertain any more of it. Honestly there’s so much here that indicates your relationship is toast that you should bail. But if you don’t, you need to educate him that pressure = separation and possibly breakup. Continue until he gets it into his head.
I have a feeling he’s worked out the math in his head and sees this as a financial leg up. Hence is insistence.
So he wants to move his child in with you 50% of the time even though she’s not at all comfortable with you and your children. This is a recipe for disaster. I’m not advocating letting a child dictate how her dad lives his life but I don’t see this going well. This guy doesn’t seem to be grounded in reality at all.
The phone thing would have sent me running btw. If he’s concerned about your relationship moving forward he can talk to you like an adult.
I would advise you to put off moving in together at least until your son graduates, as making him move during his senior year is a shitty thing to do.
And honestly, I would advise never moving in with your partner.
You are right to feel that you will be the one making sacrifices due to his ex and the custody agreement they have in place. Your 3yo will always have to come second to his 6yo because he will put her first and insist any point of contention is just part of the agreement he and his ex have. You will have no power for at least the next 12 years.
Additionally, he already has little respect for your boundaries, an issue which does not get better when you live together. In fact, he will have little incentive to respect your boundaries once you move in and buy a home, because you will be totally stuck.
Dating is a get-to-know-you process and do you really like what you know about this man? He sounds immature and selfish.
So many red flags.
The level of anxiety you are feeling I think is reason enough to put the pause button on moving In together. Deep down you know something isn’t right here, he’s not listening to you, he’s just trying to push what he wants. There’s definitely some red flags here I’m not saying it’s definitely over but I think his reaction to you telling him you’d like to wait to move in together will give you everything you want to know. A good partner would be understanding and supportive, there really is no rush here.
You’ve already answered your own questions. Just look at how you describe it as giving up. Don’t give up, live your live, let him sort out his. What you want is companionship you don’t need drama to have it.
I would’ve been gone at the phone incident. Sounds to me that he is stomping all over your boundaries and doesn’t respect you much.
Follow your dream.
>I really love my partner and I feel our relationship is generally healthy and balanced
ha, aha, ha…run.
His behavior screams insecurity. He wants you to live together and get a house together so he feels like he “got you”. He will most likely find other things to be insecure about. I am also very independent and I hate feeling like someone needs me to make them whole. Relationships are partnerships and you two should compliment each other not complete each other. I would not move in together when there are red flags and so many unsure feelings on your part. I wish you the best!
You said all that to NOT Say “I need to break up with this dude how do I do that nicely?”
That’s what you need. You know it, I know it, and all the Redditors answering this post know it.
He needs you for some reason but you don’t need HIM. Too many red flags, and the idea of this asshole around your SON, and this little girl who HATES YOU living in YOUR house with YOUR child?
Oh hell nah.
(I erased the sarcastic remark i wanted to make. But I’m thinking it!)
Ma’am… you all are NOT compatible. Just because he’s good to you, doesn’t mean he’s good FOR YOU. And frankly, breaking into my phone and invading my privacy for ANY reason, would be a deal breaker. Periodt! Your Spidey senses are tingling and telling you, “GURL! RUN!” Listen to them.
So he’s okay with ripping your Son away from his school for his final year but has to stay in a certain school district for his child? Have you thought about talking to your son and listening to his take?. He will not like being ripped away from his friends and well he needs to have a discussion with his daughter about her attitude around you. .
Honestly stick to your own thinking of not changing where you live until your son is done w high school, he will resent you if you pull him away from his friends
I read your entire long post, and I don’t recall you saying one positive thing that you like about this guy. From what it sounds like, you’ve outgrown this relationship, and that’s ok. Besides, the phone snooping is a major red flag.
DO NOT let him stay the week. Tell him you need some space and would prefer he stay at his place this week. You shouldn’t be sick with anxiety and wanting to hide at the idea of your partner coming over. Give yourself an emotional rest for a week and reassess.
I can’t finish this. I didn’t make it past “doesn’t respect your boundaries and timeline” and “snooped through your phone. Literally anything and everything you wrote after is doesn’t matter.
DO NOT DATE PEOPLE WHO DON’T RESPECT YOU!
That’s it. He’s shown you who he is and he’s someone who doesn’t respect you.
And if moving in together has anything to do with leases ending or childcare or whatever, that’s an absolute no as well. The only good reason for moving in together is because you’re emotionally ready to live together and combine your lives.
It sounds like it’s time to move on from this guy. Model self-respect for your children and don’t show them that relationships look like boundary stomping and snooping.
Good lord re read this post like it was a stranger writing. You’d be screaming at them to break up! If the idea of doing something makes you sick with anxiety while you are dreaming another life that makes you happy and excited, there’s your answer. This guy wants to lock you down and he is manipulating you step by step.
Hm… when I hear “his former partner is a high conflict person” AND that you’ve never met her and barely the child, I get a really bad feeling. Wanna bet he’s the one who is high conflict? Wanna bet he railroaded her too. Why are you not in that part of his life? What part of himself is he hiding?
There’s a book out there, was shared around on here a while back – https://ia600108.us.archive.org/30/items/LundyWhyDoesHeDoThat/Lundy_Why-does-he-do-that.pdf
Lady, if you see anything in here sounds or feels familiar… I conjure you to remove the rose coloured glasses. Look around! He’s coming over and you want to hide under a blanket or jump off a bridge!? Dump this guy! A suburban life you don’t want, with somebody who steamrolls right over you? Why please?
>I have never met his former partner and have no desire to
Yikes
>He has one child (6/F),
>His child has always been extremely cold to me,
More yikes. She’s SIX.
I don’t know why he’s still in this relationship with you but he’s not putting his daughter first if he’s aware of your feelings towards her. You should not be moving in together.