Hi Reddit, I really need your help.
Late last week I broke up with my boyfriend of 4 years. We have been having a lot of issues because we aren’t emotionally compatible, and I felt like my needs weren’t being met in the relationship. He’s a workaholic and so I constantly felt like I came last to his job, his hobby business, and his other interests.
We had been struggling with this for about a year and a half, and we talked about it numerous times and even broke up once before. Sadly, however, all of the agreements we came to in order to fix us resulted in me holding up my end of the deal and him failing his.
It just became clear that he couldn’t hold a place in his life for me despite him loving me with his whole heart. Sadly because he felt so strongly towards me he didn’t realize his actions didn’t match.
I was beginning to hate myself when I spent anytime with him as he always minimalized my feelings when I needed support, or he was in a hurry to be out the door. He did do a lot of things for “us” but he never did anything just for me. The things he did had to benefit him in some capacity. For example, he would spend weeks slaving away and renovating our living room “for us” but he wouldn’t be caught dead listening to me rehearse piano or come to watch me play during shows.
We really loved each other, and we matched in most of our core values as well as our very niche plans for the future. I really thought he was the one, but I decided that there’s no point in having everything I want – things, lifestyle and interests – if my current partner isn’t available to share them with and if I didn’t feel adequately supported.
Anyways, this time is the final time. I’m done working out these issues with him, and so I came home from work last week after I had blown up over something super minor in the morning, and I said that we were finished. I didn’t want to turn into a person with a hairpin trigger because I’m normally pretty laid back, and I didn’t want to resent him anymore. I basically told him I wasn’t interested in talking this out or working on it, and that I would be moving out ASAP.
He did not take it well.
He got up and went to work and he hasn’t come home since Friday. I have quietly been organizing my life; looking for jobs, calling landlords, buying furniture, etc.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m really hurt and angry from this breakup, but I feel a sense of relief that’s helping me take a solutions oriented approach. I guess that means I’m really over it, as all I want to do is get out of here as fast and easy as possible.
The huge issue is that my ex refuses to talk to me. He hasn’t been home since Friday, and all of my texts asking questions about the logistics of separating our lives have been either left on read, or if I call him he will say to me “I just can’t talk about this right now” or “I don’t see why we have to discuss this right now.”
It’s extremely frustrating because time is of the essence. I put in a transfer request for work and I need to know what stuff I can take with me and what stuff he would like to keep. We also have a dog which complicates living situations for me and I need to know if that’s gonna be an issue. Lastly, we have to close all of our accounts that we have together.
I just want to be done and finished with this. The move can be so easy as all the bills and mortgage are in his name (I moved in with him years ago), so all we need to do is discuss the simple details so that I can leave, but he won’t budge.
I don’t have time for him to sit and process this until he feels like he’s ready to talk. I need to take action now as I’m uprooting my entire life and likely moving back to my home city 3 hours away.
How do I deal with this separation when he refuses to talk to me?
**TL;DR -** Been having issues with my boyfriend about him prioritizing me and our emotional compatibility. I decided last week we are finished. Boyfriend up and went to work and hasn’t come home since Friday. He either ghosts me or shuts down with “I can’t talk about this right now” when I try to discuss the logistics of me moving out and us separating (including our dog, things and accounts). How do I move forward when my ex isn’t taking part in our separation?
4 comments
> I basically told him I wasn’t interested in talking this out or working on it, and that I would be moving out ASAP.
His faults aside, that there is one of the main mistakes you made
Before deciding to uproot everything (your place of living, job, etc) you should have had this conversation with him so that he could process, and the breakup could have been executed in a sensible manner.
Why do you need him to do that?
Open new bank accounts, transfer your money out, take what you want to take.
Breakups aren’t negotiations.
> How do I move forward when my ex isn’t taking part in our separation?
What do you even mean by this? You don’t need to talk to him about anything anymore. You guys BROKE UP. Do your own shit on your own. I can understand the dog thing because yes, you guys do need to talk to figure out who’s keeping the dog. But everything else, why do you even need to talk at all?
This is a good thing actually. It gives you the freedom to start packing your stuff to move out. If you have any joint financial accounts, withdraw your share of the money and move them into a new account.
As you said, everything is in his name and if he chooses not to pay the bills, that’s his choice. You could set aside some money to pay your share when he asks for it. Right now focus on finding a new place to live and moving out.
His participation isn’t necessary at all. If there are things you both own and you want, and he’s not around to object, move it with you.