How do you make people mind your boundries? But also, and I guess this is a second question: how do you deal with people who don’t have the balls to make a “frontal attack” and instead come after you with backhanded compliments and jokes that are clearly not jokes. I hate these ones with a passion, cause its a lose lose either way. If you tell them to fuck off then you’re the little bi*tch who overreacts. But if you let it go on then you might as well hang a sign on your head that says “doormat”.
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“Do not do that again, thank you” in a calm tone, looking them in the eyes, then going away minding your own business. If that bothers you. If they continue, just stay calm and not give a single flying fuck. The dogs bark but caravan keeps going. Why bother?
Picture this – like a famous actor, idk or other celeb reading and replying every comment on some random thread on reddit – would they do it? Nope, they got stuff to do, they do not care. You can not and should not listen and moreso reply to each thing you hear. Mind your own business and let them ramble their shit. Lack of response is what kills these people inside. Because while you respond they have control over you. When you stop they lose control and spiral down into insults and become the baddies or fuck off.
* “You’re HILARIOUS! You should do stand-up!”
* “I can see why you’re so popular.”
* “Who pooped in your Cheerios?”
* “LOVE what you’re doing with your personality.”
* “You have an AWESOME smile, it almost looks sincere.”
Stare at them, tilt your head to one side and say ‘That is_interesting_‘
“Hey! I know a lot of people might enjoy that kind of banter. I don’t. Please refrain from talking to me like that”
Then next time clarify “hey that’s another example of conversation I don’t appreciate.” After that just stare at them with that raised eyebrow expression like they’re a fucking idiot.
just stop talking to them
Telling them to fuck off isn’t overreacting. If they say it’s an overreaction, it’s because they’re trying to justify their own shitty behavior.
Already begins by not laughing with these people anymore. Because we don’t joke with people who don’t respect us. You can keep your tone neutral and detached, that’s enough but don’t give in to any expectations he may have of you. After that if you still identify this kind of behavior, you have to treat it like a stranger who disrespects you, so someone insignificant who tries to devalue you. That guy you tell him, “Start by talking to me politely.” Then you have to use your means of pressure, or discredit it by publicly mentioning these intentions. Like what he is aggressive and stupid.
>instead come after you with backhanded compliments and jokes that are clearly not jokes.
1. Don’t spend time with them unless you have to.
2. If you have to, grey rock technique is very useful. ‘I’m sorry I don’t understand’ – make them explain their comments / jokes and then just shrug and turn your attention to someone else.
And there are several methods actually, obviously it’s either you ignore him or you play his game. Play his game is not a good idea, so you can just take a step back on what he says and pass him off as a comic, taking absolutely none of his words seriously, after that you put your hand on his shoulder in a friendly way, and you tell him that it’s a real joker. From there he will respect you because if he becomes aggressive it will be unjustified knowing that he initiated the joking tone.
You’re male, I assume?
1. Head it straight on
2. Ignore it
3. Walk away
The best is that he feels flattered, because these trashy guys often talk to others to make themselves look good, so if you flatter him in a way that he’s not sure if it’s serious or not, he’s going to be destabilized
Search for assertiveness and assertive strategies. Some comments here are outright aggressive – you can still put your foot forward without being aggressive or an asshole.
Maybe there is a deeper reason for their behavior. Maybe their are jealous some how or scared for any reason. Having a good chat could help. But it always depends on what they have done to you. Being mature and calm can’t be wrong. In the end „don’t be like them“ is a good advice.
IME you need to set clear boundaries and then stick to them–people, typically, will respect that because you’ll have made it easy for them to know what’s ok and what isn’t (I used to teach and the stuff they tell teachers is applicable in a lot of areas but this is no different–they say to keep a list of rules that is short and to the point and to have consequences be the same; everything should be easy to understand and clear).
Whenever people come with passive aggressive behavior I might let it slide once (because there’s a possibility that they’re just stressed about something or I might just be misunderstanding/misreading them)–at that point I might play along a little in a joking way.
But, when it’s clear they are trying to knock me or whatever then I wouldn’t blow up at them because that would just make me look bad (plus, it gives people an idea of what buttons they should push if they want to make me mad)–I honestly just cut through the shit and say something about how their comments have made it clear that they think I have some room to improve. While I would absolutely welcome any suggestions I will say that I don’t appreciate passive aggressive comments or snide remarks; so if they have something to tell me that they believe will improve things then tell me, otherwise, they can keep that sort of stuff to themselves or do it on their own time.
At least that’s for a work environment–although, in private, I honestly don’t do things too differently because passive aggressive comments are often done in a way where you can’t respond without looking bad so the only way is to approach it as directly as possible. Many people will start to try and insist they’re joking or whatever and I usually just refuse to even get into that and ask that they not treat me like I’m stupid–being passive aggressive is already childish and feigning ignorance is worse; we both know what they’re doing and I’d appreciate it if they’d stop. If it is just some accident then they can take this and learn from it–at the very least they have learned that I don’t appreciate whatever form of humor it is they’re attempting. But, regardless, I’m asking them to stop.
So if it’s an accident or not–we’re all good so long as it stops now.
At least something along those lines. Passive aggressive stuff is almost impossible to deal with in round about ways so I’ve just learned that just cutting through all of it is the only way to deal with it. They can deny it to the grave if they want but, after telling them to cut it out, they lose their ignorance defense or the ‘I’m just joking around’ thing because you have pointed out the behavior and, essentially, said, “regardless of your intentions behind this behavior–I don’t appreciate it. Stop.”
Then if they do it again you can easily treat it like any other violation of your boundaries.
It sounds very formal but, honestly, I think that’s part of why it works–passive aggressive BS tends to work when you try to play along with it but having a ‘record scratch’ moment where you abruptly change the tone to a teacher chastising a student makes it so you can’t just joke out of it and everyone else usually realizes you’re being serious and they, typically, won’t want to get involved.
Respect isn’t about being an asshole, although I must admit that the two can go together; I’ve respected plenty of assholes over the years.
Getting people to mind your boundaries is a matter of clearly establishing that you have boundaries and what they are. If somebody insults you or tries to demean you, then you need to defend yourself. You don’t have to tell them to fuck off or insult them back (in fact you shouldn’t, because it’ll probably be seen as weakness); calling attention to what they’ve said should do it.
The main thing is not to be afraid of being disliked in the moment. People-pleasers and other extremely agreeable types have a lot of trouble with this, because they want everybody to love them. Accepting the facts that (a) not everybody is going to like you and (b) that’s actually a good thing will go a long way toward helping you to command respect because people will sense this attitude in your demeanor. Good luck!
My old school head teacher was the best person I’ve ever known to command respect without doing anything except being himself.
He was an early 20th century bloke who still wore a cape and had a booming voice and terrific presence.
In this day and age it’s harder but I think infallible confidence is essential.
In the work situation it’s about following through with your own decisions and/or threats.
Internalize the power of the word No.
It’s a complete sentence, and a complete phrase. So too is staring.
Overreacting to someone being an asshole? “Yeah? Well, you know, that’s just like uh, your opinion, man.”
They’re gonna try and fuck with you to fuck with you no matter what you do, so why give their behavior quarter?
Call them on it. They say shit, bring it up plain. “I don’t understand the joke; can you explain it to me?” “That’s not a really funny joke; where’s the humor?” Bring them back to the reality they are existing in with you.
Ultimately, you can’t control other peoples responses or reactions. So why be bothered by someone who’s not worth the time?
Setting boundaries is an important part of maintaining healthy relationships. One way to make sure that people respect your boundaries is to be clear and consistent in communicating them. Let people know what your boundaries are and why they’re important to you. If someone crosses a boundary, calmly and firmly remind them of your boundary and ask them to respect it. If they continue to ignore your boundaries, it might be time to reconsider the relationship. It’s important to surround yourself with people who respect and support you. When it comes to dealing with people who make backhanded compliments or jokes, it can be helpful to call out the behavior in a calm and assertive way. Let them know that their comments are not acceptable and that you expect to be treated with respect. If they continue to make these comments, it’s okay to distance yourself from them. It’s important to prioritize your mental and emotional well-being and surround yourself with people who uplift and support you.
Just tell them their behavior isn’t appropriate. Pretend like you are their parent telling their child to cut it out.
I haven’t reread it in a while, but the book Crucial Conversations covers this kind of thing. A lot of times people pick “silence or violence.” They mean ignoring it or losing your temper.
Or as you put it, doormat or bitch. The middle ground is kind of tough.
Tell them to fuck off in a nice voice. Imagine a little kid, smiling, in a happy mood saying “Fuck off”. That’s how. You will make them go away and laugh at them at the same time.
They’re never going to mind your boundaries. If you want their respect, play the game of backhanded compliments and jokes that aren’t jokes right back at them and beat them at it. However it would be well within your right to walk away and not bother, this sounds exhausting and I wouldn’t continue to hang out with these people
You don’t. There’s no winning against these people. Get away from them if you can. If they’re at work just avoid avoid avoid if you can.
Sometimes you just have to be the asshole
To cover the first bit, you command respect by acting in a way that’s, well, respectable. That means *not* losing your shit on people or trying to fight them. No one respects the guy who wants to fight all the time. At “best” they’re afraid of you, at worst they’re annoyed by you and will think/speak derisively about you. No one actually respects the person who throws hands day in and day out.
Act like a person you would respect if you want to be respected. Remember respect comes over time, not in single instances.
And when someone’s being a dick to you, tell them straight up you see what they’re doing and it’s not going to win them anything. Or say nothing and let them make clowns of themselves. But keep in mind you can’t *really* stop a dick from being a dick. That’s just them not being in control of themselves, and they’re going to do that regardless of how you respond.
It kind of depends on the social situation, but for 25 yo men, I think playing it off like as a joke is usually good.
You can take the insult to the next level and turn it into something ridiculous. Like if they call you a virgin, you can be like “yeah, it’s true. I still use my chastity clamp.” That would provoke some laughter or at least some questions like “wtf is a chastity clamp lol.” You can add to the joke with “wait, you guys never heard or a chastity clamp?” or whatever, or cut it off with a “I’m kidding lol”
People with social awareness will realize right away that it’s just a stupid bit. Shows you don’t give a fuck, you’re funny, and it would associate the insult with something so ridiculous and goofy. As if nobody would take that insult seriously.
You could also bait them with a more believable joke. If they call you dumb, you could say “yeah, I failed 8th grade cause I couldn’t spell my name.” They might respond “wait, really?” And then you can respond based on how you feel about them. If you want to keep it nice, smile and be like, “I’m kidding, dude.” If you don’t like them, you can dig into them a little and force them into a confrontation. “no dumbass. Why would you believe that? Damn, how dumb do you think I am lol?
And finally, if they keep doing it, you unfortunately have to go scorched earth. Whatever they say about you, you need to send it right back, skipping the joke. You can’t let yourself be a doormat, and you can’t cover with a joke every time. After a few times of de escalating with a joke, people would understand and would be annoyed with the asshole for constantly escalating.
With respect to the other comments, I don’t think the “hey, I don’t like it when you speak to me that way. Please stop.” stuff would work with a bunch of guys in their early to mid twenties. Maybe if they are particularly mature, but if they were mature, they probably wouldn’t be doing it in the first place.
As a mixed ethnicity, lgbtqi+, dynamically disabled female millennial who has been through the absolute fucking wringer in life, I am allergic to not saying true stuff that needs to be said, and I phrase things appropriately the first time, because I don’t appreciate having to repeat myself with people who are acting in a way that is less than respectful.
I’ve got a boatload of canned responses that also happen to be true, heartfelt, and no bullshit. I like that you’re ready to step up and call out (or call in) inappropriate comments. Radical honesty and kindness come from not letting things foment and not letting resentment build with self and/or others imo—even when it’s hard to speak up, but the old addage is true—someone might not like hearing uncomfortable feedback, but they’ll sure as hell respect you for giving it.
One of my responses is: “yeah, I hear you on that. I think I get where you’re coming from on that. However, it’s a real bummer to hear you feel that way. While I appreciate your honesty, it definitely doesn’t feel good to hear that from you, especially when it’s said in that particular way. That’s just one of my wild and crazy boundaries—not holding my tongue/saving my breath when something doesn’t feel right. After all, I know you’re a good person, and that honesty is important to you. It is to me too, which is why I’m speaking up. Look, I get that feedback can be uncomfortable, so thanks for listening, and hopefully you can take my feedback in the spirit in which it was intended.”
If they’re hostile…
“Yeah, feedback can be hard to hear sometimes. I find that the harder it is to hear, the more important it is TO hear it.”
If they’re still hostile…
“I’m surprised to hear you say that.”
If they’re still being dicks…
“Hey, why did you get into (whatever it is they do for a living, even if it’s something like stay at home parenting)?”
“So you got into (whatever they do) in order to help people, yeah? Does that feel consistent with what you’re doing and saying right now? Is this the intention you set for yourself this morning? That you were going to come through using disrespectful language and an aggressive tone, in order to shut down constructive feedback that made you uncomfy? Because if not, you may want to realign. This isn’t a good look for you. Let’s put a pin in this chat for now.” (Walk away if you can, and show them that your attention is now on something else if you can’t)
In the case that they take the feedback and aren’t dicks…
“Hey, thanks for being the type of person who takes respectful feedback. That really says a lot about you, and I wanted to let you know that that was both noticed and appreciated.”
If you’re incapable of being an asshole when the situation demands it, you’re unlikely to inspire respect.
I’m still working on this, but here’s a few suggestions
1) Applaud others in front of other people. Put others above yourself in social situations, not in a way that makes you seem inferior or less-than, but in a way that tells people “I’m confident enough in myself that I want those around me to feel this same confidence”. If your friend is an artist, a musician, a photographer, etc, look for opportunities to lift them up in front of others. People are attracted to people like this because they know they won’t feel the need to compete or 1-up.
2) Segueing from the first, try to focus on positive reinforcement with your peers. Humans and animals are pretty alike in the way that they like to be acknowledged for their good efforts. Tell your friends you’re proud of them, that your life is richer with them being a part of it. No one will respect the person who focuses only on when people mess up, those people repel everyone from them because they foster an environment of walking on eggshells and feeling more worried about messing uo than celebrating when they succeed.
3) Be vocal, but collected, when you feel someone’s using you or treating you and your good qualities like a doormat. There’s zero sense in enabling people who use manipulation and exploitation to get a leg up in the world, and it sends the message to others that they can do the same.
As an extra, look how alphas in hierarchies in the animal kingdom act. Ever seen the huge grown dog that could tear the puppies throat for jumping on him but instead the big dog makes play out of it to nourish and teach the younger, knowing it isn’t some personal attack and the puppy just doesn’t know better? Apply that logic toward people who disrupt you who are maybe like the puppy who just doesn’t know better, not every situation of abrasion demands violence and screaming, and become the violent angry person will make some people respect you, but out of fear, and that’s an incredibly, incredibly shameful way to gain respect and all those who chose that route are forever vilified and recognized as evil.
Hope that helps OP 🙂
If the goal is to lower the animosity go from friendly responses to neutral.
If you stay friendly, after they isnulted you, then you look spineless. But don’t go too back into enemy territory. Your goal is not to start a beef. it is to stand your ground. Especially if its someone you need to see on day to day basis.
To not increase the animosity, don’t correct the way they are behaving. If they call you ugly, and you call them an asshole. You are doing the same thing they are. If you tell them how to behave, you are again increasing the animosity, because you are giving them order. Which will make them want to spite you even more.
So, from friendly to neutral. You are not feel comfortable with what they said, right, but you are still continuing the conversation. Yust not friendly.
Ways to react to attacks are:
* Ask them what they meant and insist on it then move on to the next two points
* Rephrase what they said in the best possible light, giving them all benefits of the doubt, and ask them if they meant that.
* prove what they said is false by giving an example in which their logic is proven fallacious.
* point it out that it is irrelevant to the actual conversation.
Then lower the animosity by establishing common grounds. Mention things you agree upon related to the conversation. And after things settled again, you can try bringing the conversation back from neutral to friendly.
And if they do it again, back to neutral. Do the whole cycle again: Use logical examples to destroy their claim, point out that it bugs you and its not relevant to the conversation, reestablish common grounds quickly and continue.
If the animosity continous, or increases, egress out of the conversation. If the animosity is too much for you to handle, its not worth it. Thank them for the time, mention some good points or stuff from the conversation and end it politely.
It is important to stay both firm in your stance and belifs, as well as polite (you dont need to be friendly, just not offensive). the reason being is that, if they were assholes, and you were polite, they will see you as a good person, and later maybe realize they were assholes for no reason. And even of they don’t, others will see that they behaved as an asshole, while you held your ground while being polite. So even if you don’t change how that person behaves, others will see them as an asshole. And you win either way.
If you don’t like how these people treat you, why are you worried about if they think you’re an asshole? If they’re acting the way they are, what do you have to lose by being blunt and direct with them?
If you don’t like how these people treat you, why are you worried about if they think you’re an asshole? If they’re acting the way they are, what do you have to lose by being blunt and direct with them?
My father always used to say that “You have to teach people how to treat you”
And followed with, it’s not their fault, they just don’t know how you are going to be treated so you can coach/tell them.
People throw the phrase “being/acting like a asshole” around way too often. Standing up for yourself or just setting boundaries does not qualify as being a asshole.
Being mean for no reason, testing peoples boundaries etc is asshole behavior, and yes even if you do it in a calm or playful manner, still asshole behavior.
I give them a death stare and put them on a shit list. No need to educate to someone how they should treat you. You don’t have to like everyone and everyone doesn’t have to like you either.
Have standards, OP.
“hey that’s kinda rude ngl” says the truth but also no bridge burnt