Last week, I (F23) hung out with a coworker/friend(F23) at her house. We had a really great time getting drinks and she suggested we go back to her place to hang out a little more. After getting settled in her apartment, we started to talk about past and current romantic relationships. I recently got out of a short but intense relationship several months ago, which led to be being blocked. I admit I had spammed called and texted to see if we could get back together again. I was acting very insecure and I am sure that it showed after being blocked.
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I had recently read White Fragility by Robin Di’Angelo and have been engaging in anti-racism work for the past few years at this point. I had mentioned these things to my friend and asked if I had overstepped any boundaries with my ex-boyfriend. My ex-bf is mixed, being half-Mexican and half-Black. For example, when we were talking about family, he mentioned how his mother is from Mexico. I had asked whether he had learned to speak Spanish when growing up. In that same discussion, I had asked about his dad. I asked to see a photo, and he seemed hesitant before showing me his dad. I now think I should not have asked those questions when we first started dating. When we were making out, I paused and asked if it was okay to touch his hair and he said that it was okay. However, I still felt a bit hesitant to. I know he said it was okay but I just didn’t want to offend him or make him upset. She suggested that she thought I didn’t do anything inappropriate.
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However, I know for the rest of the night I was apologizing about talking about my ex-bf and then still talking about me ex-bf. I felt things were off for the past week and that she was actively avoiding me. After a group meeting, as we were walking back, I had apologized about crossing any boundaries or making her uncomfortable last week. She said that we are good but I am not sure if it was okay for me to talk to her about as she was just coming out of a meeting or when it would have been an okay time to talk to her about it.
TL;DR -I thought i had lost a friendship with my coworker because i was talking about my ex-bf and how i may have offended him. I think I had offended her after our hangout. After aplogizing, I think I made things worse. We are both white.
5 comments
edit: new information.
You are not the first person to spill more about their life over drinks than you should have. And you will not be the last.
You already apologized. Your coworker already said you’re good. Please assume that your coworker is not lying to you when she says you’re good. And even if she is, she is telling the truth about what she wants to be true – she wants you to stop bringing it up.
It sounds like there may be a pattern here of you over-apologizing. You mention that you harassed your ex in an effort to get back together with him, which led to him blocking you. You mention that you already apologized to your coworker for spilling too much of your life, that she accepted your apology, and that you are seeking her out to further apologize.
Please consider knocking that off. When your ex tells you they don’t want to date you anymore, please consider the possibility that they mean it. When your coworker tells you y’all are good, please consider the possibility that they mean it. Not every conversation needs to be rehashed five or six times.
Can you rule out that the woman might have a crush on you?
Because, you know, young people of the same age are hanging out at each other’s place, start talking about past relationships (did she brought up that topic?), but as soon as you *do* talk about your last relationship, she starts acting strange towards you.
Not gonna lie she might be a bit weirded out. It’s kind of a weird thing to tell someone let alone a coworker. You seem to have weird hangups around racial topics. As far as I know many black people dislike random people touching their hair, I don’t think that usually extends to intimate partners. Also I wonder, is your coworker white? If she isn’t maybe she thought you were looking for her approval based on her ethnicity or something.
Your coworker said you were good so let it be.