Hey all. I’ve been with my partner for almost 5 years now and one thing I’ve always noticed and that has bothered me is how much he still helps his family financially. His family is wonderful and I love them dearly, however, they are horrible at managing their money. My partner says this is how they have always been and is a reason why he left home right at 18 and went to college so he could build a better future for himself. He has expressed frustration in the past that he feels like an atm for his family, yet he continues to give them money whenever they are in a rut (which is often). I have never said much about the situation because I didn’t feel it was my place. However, I recently felt like addressing it with him because of a situation that came up with one of his family members not being able to pay their rent. My reasoning was 1. We have a wedding to pay for, 2. My fiancé has goals he’s been working towards like getting a new car and 3. This family member who needs help recently took an expensive trip and now all of a sudden he can’t pay his rent? 🧐. I told my fiancé he needs to be better at saying no when his family asks him for money, because I feel like it’s just a quick fix and the problem isn’t really being addressed. My fiancé got upset because he says I was calling him a “pushover”. I just wanted him to understand that he doesn’t always have to save his family from financially crisis because it is not his responsibility.
How do you deal with family who always asks for money?
31 comments
Been there. Done that. Do NOT be that lady who’s counting HER man’s money. My fiancé and I have been together 6 years and I’ve learned that if that’s what he feels comfortable doing, that’s what he feels comfortable doing. My fiancés reasoning is that it helps him feel at peace knowing his family have the resources they need when they need it. Do NOT open that can of worms because that’s going to make you look bad. As long as your bills are paid, that’s all the matters. If it’s effecting you’re life, he should lower his contribution, but those discussions don’t end well. To him, it is his responsibility. I wouldn’t give him a reason to think you’re that fiancée that’s not including HIS family in YOUR future as a FAMILY. take it from someone who’s been there and who’s had to deal with it. They’re never going to stop taking care of their families. It’s better to deal with it and be at peace knowing that they’re family men. It’s better than the men that avoid their families in need. You’ll know that when you guys have a family, he’s gonna make sure you’re taken care of because you’ve got yourself a family man. And as far as the wedding, that’s not like that’s a medical bill, mortgage, or something, that’s a luxury. although it’s important to you, I think it’s crucial to look at the overall situation. He’s taking care of the people he cares about, including you.
>I have never said much about the situation because I didn’t feel it was my place.
This makes sense, up until the point you got engaged. Engagement represents a promise to marry, and that means all major issues need to be fully talked through. Finances are the #1 cause of divorce, and always it starts like this. Someone notices a very big problem, and says yes anyway.
Instead of addressing the surface issue (giving money to someone who just took a trip) have you ever talked through what, if anything, will change once you’re married and finances aren’t as separate? Have you discussed the fact once you’re married, because you and him are your own little family now, you come first? If you plan to have kids, how will this be handled when the money is needed for the kids?
Honestly, I think you should postpone the engagement and get couples counseling. The most obvious issue here is that your communication isn’t where it needs to be, and bad communication is behind almost all major marriage problems.
Let him know ass to mouth isn’t sanitary
As someone who has a family like your fiancé, I’m telling you now that the dynamic will not change. My family is moronic when it comes to money. Not even homelessness, almost dying twice, blindness, losing their home and business changed their spending habits.
What you’re seeing now is what the future looks. I’d walk away. There isn’t enough money in the world that will be enough. It’s a bottomless pit. I’m sorry. I wish there’s something I can say to make this better, but the reality is it won’t.
I plan to retire out of the country so that I won’t have any of my siblings unexpectedly show up on my doorstep. Literally.
Money is one of the top three reasons why marriages fail. Unless your fiancé has a lot of disposable income, I see this as a huge red flag. Good luck in whatever you decide.
The fact is your fiance is a pushover for his family. As you indicated, continuing to bail out various family member does not solve their various problems.
Ask your fiance this: You have acknowledged the fact that your family has always been bad with money and you have continually bailed them out. Why are you surprised that things don’t change? None of them have any incentive to change because they know that you will always bail them out.
A true emergency is one thing. Being asked to pay someone’s rent because they decided to go on an expensive trip is a whole other ballgame. I would have been livid about that request. He should not be bailing them out when they do stupid stuff. If a rational person can look at a situation and easily see it is a stupid move then the obvious answer should be no.
These people are adults and they need to grow up and take responsibility for their own lives.
I would postpone the wedding until your fiance figures who to establish and maintain financial boundaries with his family. If you don’t do this you will be pulled into this endless money drain and it will have a negative impact on your new family. It will be hard for you to raise a family, save for college and retirement. These people will drain you dry. And when the day comes that you have had enough he can add child support to his financial burden.
Keep your finances separate. If you have the ability to make decent money and build assets and retirement you should get a pre-nup before ever getting married. He needs to know that your assets are not available for use by his family. Also use the prenup to state up front how your living expenses will handled and all child related expenses. You want to make sure that any children you have must come first.
Keep your own bank accounts, but make a joint account for other things with a set amount you each contribute. Not just house bills, but vacation fund, eating out, etc.
The contribution to the joint account is set in stone, and untouchable for any expense other than what you jointly decide. Any of your leftover money goes into your separate accounts belonging to the one who earned it. Car payment, clothing, lunches, contribution to family comes out of that. If he decides to give his family his half of the eating out money, you take your half out of the joint account too.
**If you get him to agree to that**, the joint account is what you both owe to your marital community. Neither of you gets any say in what comes out of each others personal account.
I would suggest an ultimatum. He’s about to have a new nuclear family. That’s the one he needs to support.
He is a pushover. And if you get married his problems become yours. He needs therapy to establish boundaries because that extra money could be for a house, the wedding, future kids. And instead he’s giving it away so family can go on lavish vacations.
If you want to get married do not have a joint account. Have your own money. And make sure he spends the money from his account that does not touch your money. Cause unless he learns to say no this is not going to be fixed
His family has conditioned him to feel obligated to help financially which is what you need to make clear to him. Learning to say No is harder than usual under those circumstances. He needs to do so however because not being able to pay his own rent due to helping someone else is not a good situation.
Ask him if he wants to say No altogether or set a budget that X amount per year is what he can afford to do without hurting the goals/needs for the family the 2 of you will be creating.
Lol, he is a pushover, but gets offended when you point it out? Has he ever demanded any of the money back that he has “loaned” out, or is it always considered a gift?
No offence, but this is. NOT a family you want to marry into. Because as soon as you’re married, you’re money will become HIS money, too, which means they’ll have TWO atm’s. See it on here a lot. I’ve experienced it. I’ve known others who experience it. NO is just a word, not an answer, and it’s not long til your partner goes behind your back. Lends them YOUR money, etc etc… I’d tell him address it, or no wedding.
The fact that he got so defensive so fast means he won’t stop.
it won’t get better.
I knew a young woman whose fiancé was also an ATM for his family. They were just horrible with money. His parents both had good jobs but they spent every dime they made. Then, they quit their jobs in their mid fifties. No real reason. They just wanted to “retire”. Except evidently their retirement plan was to sponge off their son. So for some reason, this young lady was okay with that because she figured they would just keep their money separate. But then, a conversation only two weeks before the wedding made her realize that she would be the one single-handedly supporting both of them and whatever children they might have because he couldn’t say no to his folks. That got her wondering if he was with her for her money (which she had a lot of). She ended up breaking it off and within 3 months he was engaged to someone else. Also someone with money. No one truly mourning a broken relationship would be able to reattach that quickly. It took several years, but she is now married to someone else. Lucky escape in my opinion.
He is a pushover. This kind of behavior will not change after you get married and will affect your life. Postpone the wedding until he stops funding their lifestyles.
Only thing that’s gunna change is they will blame you once he decides to get a backbone and stand up for himself, which it will be you pushing him to do that. Once he cuts them off they will turn on him and be verbally abusive and being very manipulative to get their way. Hope it all works out…. But it won’t, if he’s already mad at you for trying to bring it up.
I used to be the ATM. It would frustrate me because my parents were making well over 100k/yr, had few bills, but would always need to borrow money despite me being in my early 20s and barely making $10/hr while also in college.
I had to learn to say No. Usually it was a “I don’t have the money to keep giving you. I know you make X dollars a year but yet you keep asking me, your daughter, for money even though I don’t even make half of what you do.” They stopped asking me for money. That’s what your fiance needs to do.
Honestly, I would not get married to him until this issue has been resolved because it will only get worse & you’ll become even more frustrated once your his wife and the financial situation has more of an impact on you.
Partner gets into individual counselling to address this issue *immediately*, or you end the relationship.
Nothing has improved in 5 years. Without counselling, nothing will improve in 35 more! If you’re unwilling to let yourself and any future children take a back-seat to his family of moochers, then it’s time for a *big decision:* **Immediate therapy OR he can be single again.** Anything else is unsustainable long-term and ***you*** are not in a position to change him.
*He has to want to change himself.*
I had a friend that was bad with money and her family would bail her out too. Her parents finally put their foot down and made her take the total money makeover classes by Dave Ramsey. (THEY had just taken them so they felt it was a gift). They also insisted on going over her finances for the last 6 months before they would gift her money. Perhaps you could both take the classes and he could have this suggested to him over the course of the class?
Aslong as he can contribute his half of your household i don’t see how him helping his family is a problem. In the future you might need to rely on his handouts if you are ever in a bad spot
Do not ever shar finances with him, and if he cannot pay for his share of expenses, do not cover for him.
He needs to realize that his money is his, not his familys.
My sister married a man with the same problem. Most of their fights were over him spending his money on his family and neglecting his own.
When the pandemic hit and he was no longer working, my family was the one who helped him out, not his. And he opened his eyes about the situation. So my sister took that moment to have a serious conversation about the issue, and let him know that he have to choose if he wanted to be the ATM of his family or be responsible of his own family (they have a a toddler).
So he started to prioritize things better, grow a spine and put some important boundaries to his family, specifically to his mom who was always guilt tripping him about money.
You need to talk to him very calmly about the situation, this it not about him cutting ties with his family is about place some healthy and financial boundaries since you are going to get marriage. His problems will be your problems too because you have to work as a team. If you don’t see any boundaries, I’ll reconsider the whole relationship, here in my country we say “you don’t marry your partner, you married his family”. So would you like to be part of it?
So, first — your fiancé *is* a pushover, but he needs to come to that realization/breaking point on his own. You do not need to help with that and I advise against it.
The thing compounding this is the fact that you’re about to enter in to marriage with this person. What happens if a family member needs an excessive amount of funds due to medical bills/mortgage/rent/other debts? Whose funds will it come from after you’re married?
I’m going to be straight with you — you should reconsider your marriage until you can discuss this with a marriage/financial counselor. His behavior will not change with you telling him it needs to — *he* has to realize this on his own. This will — I guarantee you — impact your future together at some point. Whether that’s when your down payment on your home vanishes to fund someone else’s ventures, or you find yourselves consistently postponing things because of someone in his family’s problems.
Side note — his family isn’t necessarily good people especially if they’re not paying him back or are making any kind of demands on his person. If/when he does say no, that’s when you’ll see who they truly are.
YES 👏🏼. omg i know exactly how you feel. my boyfriend has been saving up for a car and to move out, his parents constantly ask for money because they don’t manage their money well either. he pays for his share in the house so it isn’t like he “owes” them something per se, he does that already. back when he didn’t have as much saved up because of his old job paying less, he would tell them he couldn’t help, only for his mom to get super defensive and say “i know you have money saved”, then for him to explain it’s for a car, for her to ask how much is saved them criticize *him* for not having enough saved up; she would turn it around and say he can’t manage his money well.
now he has a better job and definitely has a lot more money saved, it’s only a matter of finding the right car. it just sucks that they still ask for money when it’s their fault, and he’s told them repeatedly before as well as his married sister. it got to the point they asked his sister and her husband for money and she had to tell them very clearly not to do it anymore because they don’t even pay it back.
they technically owe my boyfriend $1000+ but he knows they’ll never be able to pay it back so he doesn’t ask. luckily my boyfriend said as soon as he moved out he has no reason to lend them money anymore. just ask your boyfriend what he plans on the future with his family, to forever support them even when you guys are living your own lives? it isn’t practical and not right
Um. Unless you are okay with “your” money (once married) continuing to go to his family, I suggest you not get married. I think this pattern may be nearly impossible for him to break. I dunno. That’s hard, and sad, your fiancé sounds like he’s trying to be a good guy. But I really think this is going to cause problems for you two. And for what it’s worth, I think you are 100% in the right, and I would not be able to tolerate this.
If you fiancé is truly frustrated, you might be able to work on this with him. If your fiancé enjoys being his family’s savior, lavishes in the attention that his family gives him for being the ATM, or fulfilling a cultural obligation, this situation is unlikely to change. Then you need to decide if this dynamic will work for you, because it’ll likely to be a point of contention in your marriage.
You will never be able to build wealth for your and your children’s future w this guy unless he learns to say no.
Thank God you both are still in relationship and the signs are there for you to manage it or leave
Secondly,don’t expect him to stop but he can reduce.family ties are so strong and can only take a courageous and strong Woman to break it and its not a thing if fight but with wisdom and soft talk will make him reason with you and reduce it.
Does the family pay him back? My family is terrible with money, and turn to me when they really need help. If I am able to help them I always do. My husband is not a fan of it. But he understands. My family also pays me back. Sometimes it takes longer than preferred but they always pay me back. This will likely never change. They gave me life and did so much for me, even into adulthood that was unnecessary and put themselves out. I feel like I definitely should help if I am able to.
You don’t. He has to. And if he isn’t willing, then that becomes a red flag because nothing will change.
Just one sentence. Don’t burn yourself while keeping others warm. This is the slogan I always tell when my people pleasing mindset comes in the picture all the time.
Ask him “do you think your family would love you if you didn’t give them money?” after he responds with outrage and hurt, reply “why don’t you test it for 6 months? See if the love you when you don’t give them ANY money whatsoever”