Pretty much the title. I (30M) have a female best friend. We’re quite close, I see her most days and I go to hers a couple times a week to chill and watch a few episodes of whatever we’re into at the time. She stopped dating a couple of guys because they were threatened by me, which makes me feel a little bad for having a negative impact. She’s like a sister to me. Is this off-putting for other women?
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>She’s like a sister to me. Is this off-putting for other women?
Yes it is, and I feel it’s the majority of women who will feel this way because you’re going to split your time and resources with another female.
Having a female friend, shouldn’t be an issue. Spending copious amounts of time with her, is an issue, and a bad optic.
I don’t think there’s anyone who’s like, “YES, IM SO GLAD MY SO HAS A FRIEND OF THE OPPOSITE SEX”
So you’re decreasing your dating pool.
That being said, this doesn’t mean you should just cut off your best friend.
Just establish clear communication and talk about boundaries with your potential gf. Find out what you’re willing to cut off with your friend and what you want to keep.
A good way to analyze this is to reverse it. If your gf had a male best friend, what boundaries would you want her to have with him.
>She stopped dating a couple of guys because they were threatened by me
This will probably happen for women who want to date you too in regards to your best friend.
>which makes me feel a little bad for having a negative impact.
Not your problem, she is able to choose what to prioritize and she is choosing your friendship over potential relationships…that’s not on you
> Is this off-putting for other women?
Personally i think it will be less so an issue for women than for your friend and the men she wants to date…but it will be a problem if you are spending significant time, money, and energy on another woman.
I think it is for most people, unfortunately. I (F) don’t think it’s inherently threatening, though I reserve the right to feel differently if there’s something problematic about the way they treat each other.
Yes, most likely.
As a female with a male best friend, I understand where you’re coming from. My current bf asked me a ton of questions about our friendship (the main one being if we’ve ever hooked up – which the answer is no) and I answered everything because I want him to be comfortable. It’s all about how comfortable your current or future partner is, but ultimately if your friendship is that important to you (as it seems like it is) then you need to find a good middle ground between these 2 important women in your lives. I won’t date someone who asked me to stop being friends with him, but I’d probably hang out with him a little less if it made my bf uncomfortable. Send me chat if you want to talk more about this!
Edit: another close friend of mine (also male) has a girlfriend who I’ve gotten really close with over the years, so sometimes you end up gaining a new friend!
I have a male best friend. We’ve been friends for over 10 years now. No romance or sexual stuff ever happened between us. It’s been strictly platonic. I know his girlfriend considered me a threat, but I assured her that I have no intention of ruining my friend’s relationship and I will hold him accountable if he ever hurts her.
I don’t see him often simply because of our busy schedules but we still share memes or check up on each other. And we might hang out once or twice every 4 months or so.
I don’t mind my future partner having a female friend but I do have a problem if he:
– cancels plans with me to hang out with her
– talks about her as if he’s in a relationship with her
– posts pictures with her as if they’re in a relationship
Basically, there has to be a boundary. A clear boundary that let’s everyone know who he’s in a relationship with vs platonic friendship. If the guy has had a past history of sexual or romantic involvement with the said friend, then its a deal breaker for me. Simply because I don’t do that, and I expect my partner to do the same.
Edit: Thank you for the gold!
I think you are still misinterpreting things. I don’t have to feel threatened to not accept something. Maybe it’s not a problem in principle, but if the time spent with the friend is greater than the time spent with me, I don’t see the point of the relationship and if the friend can come to her home at any time, I withdraw without any problem, I don’t see why I would accept to be the second place for someone. It’s not about any threat, it has to do with the respect I have for myself. The same logic applies vice versa.
For me personally, I don’t mind female friends at all but I probably would draw the line at a female bestie. The idea of sharing my SO with another woman just gives me the ick. Ideally I’d like to brush it off like nbd, but the first time he’d cancel plans with me to hang with her for example, I’d probably feel the jimmies rustle. I’d rather just pass instead of inviting that into my head space.
Only if y’all used to have sex and recently.
If it was 20 years ago, I wouldn’t mind.
Within the last 6 months, I would be uncomfortable and I don’t think I would deal with that so I would leave the situation.
I don’t believe in coming in between friends.
Yes. As a woman it would be off putting especially since you’re spending lots of time with her.
I wouldn’t mind so much if there were clear boundaries and your friendship has been 100% platonic since you’ve known her. No crushes, no feelings, no dating, no hookups. I also wouldn’t be okay if you spent less time with me than her, or if you put her above me.
A regular friendship though? That’s fine. Watch movies, hang out. If you mess up and cross that platonic line though, there would be no second chances.
Did it ever go further than friendship? Do you find her attractive?
Yes, it’s off putting. I won’t date someone who has a female best friend. I would date someone who has female friends, but not best friends.
My partner and I have fought for years and years over his female best friend and I will never do it again. Fighting over boundaries I wanted set because I was not comfortable with the fact that they are more into a relationship than he and I ever have been and we’ve been together for 9 years on and off, but mostly on. Lol. And that she never has had a genuine interest in being my friend too.
She is also “like a sister to him” but they do have a sexual history and spend 3+ nights a week together. That’s not like a sister to me. So be upfront about it all when you enter a relationship. And hope your best friend isn’t in love with you and wants to be friends with your partners.
If the person is a redditor then there will be no issue. Virtually nobody on reddit has a problem with opposite sex friendships based on the posts and responses that I have seen. The real world is a much different place though.
If you ever somehow manage to get a GF just tell her about your friend upfront. Explain to your GF that your friend has absolutely no romantic interest and **certainly no sexual interest** in you whatsoever and that **she never ever will no matter how much time you spend with her**.
Yes, most of the time these types of friendships have poor relationship boundaries.
Total red flag to me. Having a friend of the opposite sex ? Fine. Being “very close”, seeing her everyday and hanging out with her multiple times a week at her place is a humongous red flag for me. I’m sure some women might be ok with it but I’d venture to say most wouldn’t. Good luck with this
Yeah it is
Yes. A man, even a friend, that’s always around puts a damper on things.
It shouldn’t be either way. But that’s up to those individuals.
Yes this is weird . I have male friends too but i don’t see them so often
I don’t mind my partner having female friends (we both have male and female friends) HOWEVER, the amount of time and contact you are spending with your female friend would personally make me uncomfortable.
Definitely see why it caused issues in her relationships and I imagine it will likely cause issues in yours for most women.
Yes, off-putting to me.
Based on these comments, imagine the mental strain going on in their head if their bf or partner was bi. Wow.
**Here’s the rub, bud:** ***your partner should want to be your best friend***.
Your partner will also see you as an attractive and appealing person, so if your best friend is relatable to them they may feel intimidated or uneasy by that friendship because in her mind: **how can this friend** ***not*** **be interested in you, on some level?**
Additionally, anyone who’s your best friend, man or woman, will have to be comfortable with your friendship taking a back seat to your relationship. This isn’t isolated to just male/female friendships either, as some men or women will feel jealous or left out if their best friend of the same sex starts seeing someone. It’s very natural to feel weird about a shift in your social life that you have no agency over.
So, ultimately, **most people will feel weird about it to some degree** but it should only ***really*** become a serious issue if you are consistently prioritizing this friend, especially if she’s a woman, over the woman you’re dating. Just be sure that you’re giving your relationship the right level of importance in relation to your friendships, regardless of gender or sexuality.
It’s not necessarily off putting (and possibly a good sign that you’re capable of being friends with a woman without romantic ties) if it’s strictly platonic. My ex had a female best friend who was normal for years of their friendship but when her relationship go into crisis she started to try inappropriate things with her male friends for validation, and that’s off putting (for her to do so instead of working out her issues like a responsible adult). But an actual normal non-romantic friendship is totally fine and could provide different perspectives.
You spend time on things that are important to you. It is clear to any partner that they are the most important things in each other’s lives just based on the ridiculous amount of time they are spending together. Like seriously, they are in their 30’s. Don’t they have any other friends, hobbies or social obligations? Very sus.
I’m put off when the female best friend is an ex or someone you met on a dating app or if there has been any sexual history of any kind or if you spend more time with her than me. None of that? I’ll make her my friend too.
Yes, it would be off-putting to me and pretty much all women I know. There is a difference between men having female best friend and spending substantial time and energy on to this woman. Even if it’s just platonic, I would not trust a man to priories me in his life I already have to worry about sharing his time with another women.
I also would take the instinct of other men as cues that there might be something going on, otherwise why would all those men sees red flag? It doesn’t look good from outside even if it’s all ok from inside.
It can be. But it really just depends on the woman you date.
Some women wouldn’t mind it at all. Others would find it annoying or even feel just as threatened by her like the guys friends did by you.
On a personal level, I’d probably be bothered by you spending the night at each other’s places so much. Like, once we started dating, I’d prefer my boyfriend to not have sleepovers at another chick’s place.
Granted, you didn’t say whether those were overnights. But that’d definitely be a boundary for me.
All in all, this is where communication is key. It would be good if your BFF could be sisterly with your GF. Or at least on nice, casual friendliness.
Depends on the dynamic of it. If they hang out once or twice a week for a little bit, no big deal. But if it’s starting to disrupt the flow of our relationship, I’m going to be annoyed, male or female.
My(M) ex(F) on Christmas was about to leave my house to hang out with her friend(F) and her family. It wasn’t like her friend was in a bad situation or anything that warranted the hang-out, I would have understood that. It was like I was fighting for her time at that point.
I have a close female friend but we see each other once every two weeks if that, and it’s not like we text all time either.
I dated a girl with a male best friend once. They were close and I remember asking about it and she said they would never! And they were like siblings! She and I broke up shortly later for unrelated reasons and I checked on her socials a few years after that and she and her ‘best friend’ were married. I’m happy for em but I totally called that shit!
“Look at me, I’m your best friend now.”
Seriously though, I’m the “want to marry my best friend” type. So am I his new best friend or does he consider that spot filled? If I’m not his best friend, I don’t want to date him. Spent a lot of time in a relationship with someone who didn’t consider me his best friend while I considered him my best friend and that hurt me a lot. Am I the person he thinks of when he has exciting news to share, the person he wants to call late at night, and the person he wants to hug when he’s not feeling alright? Am I the person he shares everything with – his secrets, his fears, his inner turmoil? If I am then him having a friend he hangs out with regularly is okay with me.
Short answer is yes it is.
Always been strictly friends and no sexual attraction? Fine. Any sexual or romantic history? Nooope.
All that shit does is keep a door open a crack that should be 100% shut.
I’ve tried, and every time I’ve been told I have nothing to worry about, turns out I definitely had something to worry about.
I applaud people who can tolerate this kind of arrangement but unfortunately I have been compromised by past negative experiences and no longer have the desire to risk my mental wellbeing worrying.
She sounds like she’s into you as more than a friend, so yeah red flag
It really depends on how often you see her and how you talk about her. If a guy exclusively referred to a girl as his “girl best friend” and kept highlighting the fact that she’s a female I’d be inclined to think that there a more feelings than pure friendship involved and that would be a turn off.
I recently dated a guy that told me about his “amazing” best friend that he never saw or spoke to, and that in combination with the petty complaints about her made me think he might not be as platonic with her as he realises. The high praise paired with the way he never seemed to have anything good to say about her reminded me of the fact that we tend to excuse the actions more frequently if we are attracted to them.
I picked him up from a party at hers and the next morning he revealed that she attempted to kiss him and he turned her down, but he wouldn’t let me ask any questions about it and was mad about me for daring to be upset that she would do this. Gave off real “don’t talk shit about the person I’m secretly in love with” vibes.
Anyway, the point of the story is that it’s highly dependant on how much intimacy the girl demands and the willingness of the man to set appropriate boundaries before or after they’ve been crossed. Reluctance to set boundaries = lack of seriousness in my opinion, and often points to feelings for the perpetrator.
I would only care if I get the sense that you secretly want to bang her.
Are you attracted to her? Would you date her? Have you had any sexual activity?
My repsonse to this is always: I am bisexual. Does that mean I’m supposed to not have ANY friends, limit how much time I spend with all friends of any gender, worry about how it might be perceived if I spend time with them in certain ways?
We gotta move past gender limitations on this stuff. A friend is a friend and it shouldn’t matter who you’re attracted to.
It’s off putting for both sides. You saw it from her side, try and see from your side and report the results.
Good question. My daughter is 9 and her best friend is a boy, they are glued at the hip. He has ADHD and she’s the only one who knows how to talk with him when he has a episode. I hope they stay close because I can already see how special their friendship is
Depends. Would you bang her?
The thing people seem to be missing in this comment section is that a female friend is different than a female BEST FRIEND. I wouldn’t care if my man had a female friend but if they were best friends then that’d be weird. You should want to have your girlfriend/wife be your female best friend.
I also agree, off putting