So my brother passed away and now it’s just me and my mom. I don’t want her being alone since we are still grieving, so she wants us to plan to get an apartment soon so I can stay with her for the meantime. I don’t mind doing that. The only problem is, I currently live with my boyfriend, and his parents house, with his other family members, and it can get so crowded in there. It’s been a year since I’ve lived there. He already knows I feel uncomfortable living there, I do not feel welcomed at all, but I stuck it out.
Honestly, cannot live with his family though. So I don’t mind living someplace else with my mom 15 to 20 minutes away from his house. We had a discussion yesterday and it led him to say, “once you move out, it’s going to lead to us breaking up”. He also says to just wait until he gets a house of his own but it won’t be until a year from now. Not sure if what he saying is true either because he can get a house now if he wanted to.
He says he doesn’t want to move out because he is saving up for the house. We actually lived in our own huge apartment before we moved into the parents house. So imagine moving all your stuff from a huge apartment to a small room. It drives me crazy we’re not engaged or married, but me moving out is freaking him out. He threw the biggest tantrum, even after I told him the main reason is to be there for my mom after what happened. Oh, and he thinks about the future a lot. Should I move out for the meantime until he gets the house? He knows I love him so much but his past trauma triggers him and he thinks imma break up with him when really no.
Please tell me your thoughts and advice on this. Thanks.
21 comments
I wouldn’t move out if you want to keep your relationship.
He already told you that if you leave the relationship is over. He’s self centred and narcissistic by the sounds of it, and given how you’ve moved into his family home and lack comfort, why put yourself through that for another year especially at this time of grief even you need comfort the most. Move in with your mother, and the relationship, and find someone that is emotionally there for you. His past traumas are not an excuse to neglect your needs too.
You’re going to have to do what you feel is right. If that’s helping your mother then do it, oh well to him he needs to understand life happens and sometimes plans change and if he can’t keep up with life changes then how he going to handle other hurdles later? Pregnancy? Job loss? Car crash?
First and foremost, sorry for your loss.
He’s 34 and he threw a tantrum over you moving out to support your mom? That’s .. interesting to put it lightly.
The only reason I can see for you breaking up would be basic insecurity in the relationship. You are not going long distance, and your rationale is not just reasonable, it could even be seen as good. If I were you I would be worried about breaking up if you stayed, as a lack of space can easily take a level 1 situation up to a level 3 or 4 situation because it adds stress. Especially as you are grieving. Getting some space is important part of healing, and being comfortable and surrounded by those you love is as well.
I don’t know why he thinks it would lead to breaking up besides maybe suggesting that he would break up with you because he wants you as close as possible at all times. That is a scary idea, as it means the break up is a veiled threat, not a genuine concern.
If you love each other, you can make it work. Especially with the present circumstances, I would ask him to be supportive of you during your grieving process and remind him that you still love him and will still be there for him but the current situation is untenable. He has to respect your personal wishes, he needs to understand that.
But I would also try to understand his fears/perspective better. Ask him what he is thinking and why he doesn’t trust that the relationship will last? My mind jumped to the worst case scenario, given his emotional reaction, but it’s important to have a good, deep conversation about your feelings and to understand his. After you do, I think you’ll have a much stronger idea of what you want to do.
Honestly, move in with your mother. If you break up you break up, but be sure to inform your mother that you have plans to move into a house within a year when your bf gets his finger out of his bum and buys one, just so she is aware that she needs to be able to afford it on her own.
Also I mean, personally I simply cannot understand why anyone above the age of 18 would live with their parents if they had the opportunity to not do so, but that is just me. In your case it’s understandable but I fail to see your bf reasoning. I’m 30, and It was bad enough to move in with my father for a year at the age of 26 so..
Sorry for your loss OP. 🙁
You’re 25 years old and your 34 year old boyfriend does not have his life together in more ways than one. He’s not emotionally stable and nor financially. I don’t know if he’s threatening break up or scared that not living together at this time will cause a break up but he is not ready for the future you may both one right now. It’s going to take a bit and you guys could still be growing your relationship while not sharing the same space at this time. I’d ask him to trust you and show more understanding for all of the things you’re facing. You need your mom right now and she needs you. There’s no way you should be the only one bending to make the relationship work long term.
“I’m no longer willing to tolerate living in one room in your parents’ house. I can’t even fit all of my stuff in there. It is not appropriate. I am willing and interested to live with you in our own separate place when you are ready to do so. Until then, I’m making alternate domestic arrangements.”
Honestly your bf is a bum, you really don’t want to be with a guy that isn’t emotionally or financially stable and on top doesn’t even care enough about your problems. If he breaks up with you, it will be a blessing in disguise
Throwing a tantrum is very immature. Not wanting to live with his parents is a valid feeling. I will say in his defense that if my partner told me that they wanted to move out, I would feel our relationship was taking a step backwards.
Is there any compromise? Can you and your bf get a bigger apt with your mother? It’s only fair that you lived with his parents, now you and him could live with your mom?
Ew. Your boyfriend is 34 and doesn’t have his own place?!
Move in with your Mom, this dude is not gonna be a partner to you.
It’s okay for him to stay with his parents but it’s not okay for you to stay with your mum? You’re not even moving that far away. But he’s probably too lazy to even make that effort to see you. Does he make effort in the relationship with date nights and birthdays?
How much do you contribute to cooking and chores at his parents house? And how much does he contribute? Is he upset he might have to wash his own clothes? Or does his mum do that for him?
And how would his house situation work out for you? Does he expect you to pay half the mortgage without your name on it? I hope you’ve been saving for your own house.
I feel like a good 70 % of posts describe “older men” throwing tantrums when they feel threatened. And they feel threatened a lot.
I think it’s perfectly reasonable for you to do so. Especially since you are living with his family and don’t feel welcome. I wouldn’t like that either. He isn’t considering your comfort and wanting to he with your mom during a difficult time
I just moved in to my parents house from a 750 sq ft apartment having lived alone for three years so I FEEL YOU when you say it’s not enough space. I’m so sorry for your loss and you have to be with your mom right now. If your boyfriend doesn’t understand that then cut your losses. Once a train leaves the station another one will come around eventually
His immaturity is fairly apparent. Why would you want to marry a 34 ym that still lives at home? Cut and run please. Red Flags flying.
I’m trying to understand why two brown people do not live on their own in the first place.
I’m going to encourage you to move in with your mom. It sounds like y’all have a healthy relationship. She needs you and you probably need her right now. Living together is a practical way to support each other emotionally and save money on rent too. That sounds amazing for you both, especially for you… someone who is living in a miserable, crowded house with little support.
Tbh, your boyfriend hardly counts as support because of how selfish he is.
He’s being narcissistic and not considering your needs. This is bad in general, but even worse when someone is going through a rough time, like grieving a family member. His attitude is so awful.
Him saying hell break up with you is rigid. It’s a way to control you.
Move in with your mom. Grieve your loss.
Then maybe consider the merits of dumping your boyfriend.
Move out. He is only thinking of himself & not what will make u happy. If u break up after, so be it.
your reason is reasonable. so another way to think about it is, if in the future you have to do something that helps your mom or brother or other family members, will he throw a tantrum again?
will he threaten divorce or something else?j
having you move out to help your mom, even for a while to help her get through this traumatic time, is not a bad thing, but he’s making it a bad thing, and even to the point of giving you an ultimatum about it.
that’s what you can think about when you’re moving your stuff out to stay with your mom for a while.
Going from living together to separate is taking a step back in a relationship. That maybe what he is thinking. But we know what you think of him, or should k say lack of respect for him in how you describe him have a tantrum. So he might be right about the break up.
I will never understand adult men living at home with their parents.
“I’m sorry you feel that way. I need more space in my living arrangements and I also need to help my mother at this time, if breaking up is what you feel is best then so be it.”
He threats are not supportive in any way or form. If he’s not ready to buy a house for a year then your living away from him for a year should not affect anything.
He’s a stage 5 clinger.