I (24F) met “K”(28M) off Tinder back in January; our first date was nice, he took me out for brunch but he disclosed being a dad (of an 8 year old son) halfway through eating and it threw me off the rest of the date. I cut him off and explained to him dating a parent is a dealbreaker.
He followed me on Instagram this week and after talking, he told me, “Someone who is responsible enough to take care of their child can take care of their partner”. He knows my reservations about dating a parent but really wanted a chance with me so I gave him one.
We have gone out twice in a row, these were quite romantic dates with the restaurants and activities we were doing. He definitely treats me out (hasn’t let me pay the dinner/lunch bill at all the past 3 dates) and never pushes for sex or having me go into his room when I visit his apartment.
I like that he seems to be very well mannered and thoughtful compared to other guys I’ve gone out with; I’ve cried after the past two dates because I have not been treated out like this since my most recent ex (ended 9 months ago). K definitely wants something serious and to eventually settle with someone.
I told him my fears of baby mama drama, not being #1, feeling insecure of his past, etc. He tried to reassure me as he has no relationship with the mother aside from co-parenting and scheduling, they broke up 7 years ago. He said he would do anything to keep drama away from his S/O. He sees his kid usually 3 days of the week on weekdays, rest of time is with mom. I am great with kids and I even work with them for a living (I’m basically an educator) but I have not been serious with a parent before. He also tried to reassure me that even if his son is first, he will always have time and love for his partner. I also warned him of my anxious attachment/need for safety when I really like someone and it didn’t seem to phase him. He said my needs are valid.
K and I have also expressed that we like each other/are into each other already and that we both enjoy relationships and have some pretty similar values so far.
My relationship anxiety has flared up as I have gone back into dating with K. I am usually emotionally unavailable (I’m rarely attracted to the men I’ve gone out with) so when I do have feelings for someone my anxiety and triggers go up as I’m still healing from my avoidant ex.
We had a nice long date today, about 6-7 hours long and it ended when he told me he was going to pick up his son. He kept kissing me, hugging me, holding me as we were getting ready to say goodbye. I texted him when I got home (as he wanted me to) and he said “Okay❤️” and when I thanked him again for today’s date all he said was “Anytime :)”. I’m very clingy which I warned him about, and so I felt anxious as his texts were very short and dry although we spent a good chunk of the day together. I also went on his instagram page and notice his highlights were gone, so I feel like he might have started to hide his stories from me.
I am considering ending things with him again due to my relationship anxiety and being afraid that something is off (I.e. the short texts and maybe hiding his instagram stories); but I’m also scared to because no one has made me feel something for them or has taken me out on a romantic date in so long. Most men I’ve met often pressure me for sex right away or just don’t make me feel any attraction. Should I still give him a chance or should I trust my gut and cut him off?
TLDR; I (24F) am going out with a dad (28M) for the first time and I don’t know if I should end things due to my relationship anxiety. I normally avoid dads but he really wanted a chance with me.
**As for the idea of being a step mom, I think it would have to take a lot for me to commit to that role. It would have to be someone who treats me better than a typical man without kids, absolutely has no (major) BM drama, and can meet still my needs.
27 comments
You don’t want to date someone with kids. You say it’s a dealbreaker for you. It doesn’t matter what he wants. You stated a clear boundary and you’re allowed to follow through with it. Kids aren’t a compromise position
I personally think you should give him a chance.
You’ve done the right thing in communicating your personal issues (anxiety, attachment, etc), and so you’ve made him aware of what he’d be getting into if you started a serious relationship. Transparency is key and it’s good that you’ve began this way on your part
My suggestion would be to give it a shot. You may find that it actually isn’t that bad and you may even grow and develop from this. Learning to be with someone who has commitments to another human being, may actually train you to deal with your anxiety and attachment issues better
I only say this because you yourself have said he’s treated you right and stands out from other men who have behaved like trash.
So I think you should give it a go. If it doesn’t work out, you can always explain that to him and he seems like a reasonable man whereby he will understand
(By the way, him deleting his stories was probably just ease your concerns. Don’t think there is anything sinister in that)
IMO it’s a red flag not to put on your profile/let people know you have a kid even before the first date.
Are you up for being a step mom? Because if you’re not, this isn’t the guy for you.
Honestly, it’s a red flag to me that he’s trying so hard to convince you, after you told him it’s a dealbreaker. Having kids is a big deal, not something that you try to convince someone else is okay.
A responsible parent would not want to date someone who is not okay with this situation and would not want to risk pursuing a relationship with you. What happens if he introduces you, kid gets attached, and then you break up? A responsible parent tries to avoid that situation by only dating people who want to date people with kids.
He hid the fact that he had a kid from you, the. stomped your boundary when you told him you didn’t want to see him anymore. And I’m sorry about how you’ve been treated in the past, but being nice on dates and *not* pressuring you for sex is bare minimum human behavior. You tell him you need a lot of reassurance and attention, he is a dry and clipped texter.
And on top of all that you’re an educator. This guy just isn’t for you, also possible he doesn’t really give a damn who you are he just wants someone to parent for him.
If you don’t think you can possibly be a parental figure to his child one day, then stop dating him.
No matter what he said to you, if you know you can’t do it. Do not waver and agree to date him anymore.
Your expectation is also a tad too unrealistic (someone who has to treat you 1000% better than childless men you can date, absolutely no BM drama and so on). The reality is, no matter how great you coparent, you sometimes would bump into one or two dramas as coparents. I have a good friend who is the BM and she gets along awesome with her ex’s partner (they text each other daily like close friends do), even then, there were a few instances of things that need to be worked out on/discussed with cooler head esp. when they’re dealing with a rambunctious teen…
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>Should I still give him a chance or should I trust my gut and cut him off?
I would say this: You need to trust your gut and cut him off.
Why not keep dating K for as long as it feels good and right, and only stop dating if you start to see actual red flags or personal deal-breakers in his behavior and/or character? I should think you’d want to observe the way he interacts with his son and the baby mama, before making a blanket decision (based on zero data points) that kids are an automatic deal-breaker.
I get that you suffer from relationship anxiety, but for someone who claims to not want any drama, you seem to be actively looking for trouble where none exists. You can’t really judge anything about K’s character from the way he texts or uses social media. Instead, trust the way you feel when the two of you are together, and the quality and depth of your in-person conversations.
If you don’t get scared and cut things off prematurely, eventually you will get to meet K’s son and observe how the two of them (and the baby mama) interact. You’ll establish a personal connection with the child as well, and you can control the degree of emotional and parental involvement that you want to have with him. If you find out that playing stepmom to someone else’s kid is just as bad as you feared it would be, of course you can and should end the relationship. But there’s no harm in giving it a test drive first. Who knows, you might end up feeling pleasantly surprised by how easy and natural it is to fall in love with K and become his life partner, even if shared parental duties are the price of admission.
In other words, you don’t have to figure out whether he’s a good long-term prospect before you’ve even gotten to know him well as a person. The exit ramp is always there, if you ever decide you need to end things. But in the meantime, why not enjoy a pleasant and satisfying romance with someone who obviously likes and respects you, and treats you better than most of the other guys you’ve dated?
You said no. He keeps pushing it.
What more do you need from him to let you know who he is?
no one can guarantee you that there won’t ever be coparenting drama. shit happens even when someone’s coparent is a mostly reasonable person. youre focused a lot on how he can meet your needs and how you expect that he has to treat you much, much better than someone without kids because I guess he has to “make up” for the fact that he’s a parent, but being a potential step-parent means that there will be times when YOU have to put the child’a needs before your own and make personal sacrifices in order to assist in raising a small child. should you be doing most of the parenting? of course not. but you would probably end up doing a significant chunk of it because we’re talking about an eight year old who has to be very dependent on the adults in his life rather than a 17 year old who can be independent and might not even be in the house soon. if you have this many reservations about being with someone who has a kid, just don’t do it. there are a lot of non-parents out there who don’t pressure people for sex. that’s like the bare minimum of a being a decent person, not an accolade
If you have any doubts, end it now. You never know what will change. My stepdaughter lived 12 hours away when I met my husband. She was 10 at the time. He had her on longer holidays and six weeks in the summer. He had a decent relationship with his ex until his ex started using drugs. His daughter moved in with us when she was 15 and I became a full time bonus mom.
….I’m sorry, did you say that you’ve only been with this guy for *less than a week*? Of course he’s on his absolute best behavior when he knows that he’s already coming into this at a heavy disadvantage since you rejected him once six months ago because of the kid thing. If I were an asshole who didn’t mention being a single parent on my dating profile (which is what most people do when they actually respect someone’s time and don’t want to play games), I’m sure I would also try to butter you up by paying for dates and not coercing you for sex (which is just part of not being a shitty person lol) and make wildly unrealistic promises about how coparenting would never ever be stressful for you or cause drama (btw unless he’s psychic there’s no fucking way he can guarantee this). This guy is playing you *hard*
The fact he being so pushy is odd… he may just really like you but I’d feel a little uncomfortable with his behavior. I’ve had guys that mention kids on our first dates but it’s a huge red flag to push for you to meet them so quickly when you hardly know this guy.
I will also say for your own anxiety that as you get older, statistically, the dating pool of men who do not have children will get smaller. You seem to have a lot of insecurities about not being the #1 priority for someone, in life at certain times, with or without kids, you may not be. I would highly encourage you to work on your insecurities with a therapist or no relationship you have will ever work. I’m saying this to you as someone who felt the exact same way and whose insecurities ruined some great relationships. You have to be able to understand that everyone has a past and it should but dictate how you behave in the present. And the life you may build with someone will have ebbs and flows on how you feel at times.
I’d for sure move on from this guy. There is something off about how hard he’s pushing. Good luck to you!
Don’t do it, the kid’s mom will ALWAYS be in his life unless there’s something seriously wrong. You don’t wanna put yourself in between their relationship with your boundaries and insecurities which IMHO are very valid, but it wouldn’t be valid to start dating this guy and you later on having issues with them coparenting being that you already knew the situation. No one is in the wrong here, just a matter of compatibility. Not trying to sound harsh but it seems like you already have a established boundary now it’s time to respect it to save yourself and someone else’s heartache.
Even one date was enough but you gave it a few more dates, and you are still not enthusiastic about dating him.
Just let him know it’s not going to work out.
You shouldn’t be in any relationship until you can get your anxiety under control enough to not affect your partner. It’s different when the partner causes the anxiety, but this scenario they’re just being a normal person and it makes you anxious. That’s not normal
You’re getting plenty of comments about this guy, so I’m gonna focus my comment on *you*. If you’re still healing from damage an ex has done to you, and new relationships are triggering your anxiety on it, I would recommend putting dating on pause until you can seek some therapy to help you move through and/or cope with your anxious feelings regarding partners. Best of luck to you!
If I told a dude I didn’t want to date him because he’s a parent and he messaged me later trying to persuade me that I’m wrong about what I want, I’d find that overly pushy and a major turn off personally. Taking you on nice dates and not pressuring you for sex is like the bare minimum, doesn’t mean he’s necessarily a catch.
That said, I think your anxious attachment issues are not under control and you need to work on this more in therapy before seriously pursuing a relationship. It’s not just normal clinginess to get anxious about not texting much after spending all day together, when you know he’s with his kid. Would you really want to date a man who’d be glued to his phone during the limited time he gets to be with his son, anyways…? And you’re already checking his Instagram and forming suspicions about his highlights disappearing? This isn’t healthy IMO.
This isn’t about his kid or whether you can handle dating someone with kids. The real dealbreaker here is that he kept actively pursuing you and trying to change your mind after you told him that kids were a dealbreaker. This shows you he does not respect your wishes or boundaries and is trying to control you. Not good.
Please work on your clingy nature, that will serve you well in future romantic endeavors. You’ll be able to actually enjoy the dating process and develop a healthy relationship naturally. We make irrational decisions when thinking from a paranoid stance, and it’s not really fair to the other person or yourself.
Sounds a lot like love bombing
Therapy for OP and possibly meds
There are a few things going on in your post.
Your anxiety and letting short but sweet and loving texts make you suspicious that he isn’t as into as he says he is, that something is off etc is a you thing. It has nothing to do with whether you two are compatible. This could follow you into any relationship. Definitely work on it with a professional.
Compatibility: what about dating a parent is/was a dealbreaker for you? All you’ve mentioned is your anxiety and need for constant reassurance. That’s going to be an issue with any health relationship, whether he’s busy with a kid, a hobby, the gym etc. So again, reflect here. Is it that you don’t want a child in your life who isn’t yours or is that you want 100% of some one’s attention? No healthy person will give you the latter.
I understand wanting to avoid drama. It sounds like there is none, they amicably trade off the kid every day or two and have been doing that peacefully for years at this point, and he has no interest in getting back together with her.
He treats you better and more respectfully than any other man you’ve dated recently. Aside from him having a life beyond you, what’s the problem? What’s missing?
Is it a deal breaker or not?
If it is, like you said, the deal is broken. End it.
If it isn’t, then take things slowly. Things can be out of your comfort zone without being deal breakers.
Only you know the answer to this really
Extremely strange and a big red flag that he was so pushy and crossed your boundaries to message you to try to convince you to date him after you expressed disinterested after the first date. That’s not the actions of a sensible man or parent. It’s also a red flag that he didn’t disclose that he had a child in his dating profile. This is a lack of respect for completely reasonable boundaries, as well as a lack of transparency and honesty.
If he was actually a responsible father with a sane head on his shoulders, he should know that people that don’t want to date parents will never work in his or his kid’s life. If he’s actually a good father, his child will always come first and his child’s mother with always be in his life in some capacity. “Someone responsible enough to raise care of a child can take care of their partner” sounds like some manipulative bullshit. Something is off here.
> He said my needs are valid.
He doesn’t think that. If he did, he wouldn’t be pressuring you for a relationship when you’ve been clear from the start you don’t want to date a parent.
The dude is love bombing you to convince you to drop your very valid boundary, don’t be fooled. Trust your gut and stand by your own principles.
You are not ready for this. He sounds like a great guy, but you are not ready for the level of commitment he wants.
Furthermore, it sounds like your guy picker isn’t the best. Sounds like you go for the Chad’s. There are a lot of really good invisible men out there. Take your time. Relationship first then sex. If you do it backwards, you get crappy relationships.
trust your gut, and don’t lost yourself in the relationship.
As a mother I’m saying don’t do it and while you’re at it tell K a stranger on reddit said to grow up.
He has a child and should be looking for a partner that’s comfortable with his child as well. It sounds like the child has a mother so regardless shouldn’t expect you to fill that roll, but the fact that you’ve stated you’re uncomfortable with him having a child and he begged you to give him a chance anyway is selfish as a parent and partner.
You’re allowed to feel how you feel (i dont blame you its a big step) but interacting with a child and watching your partner occasionally interact with their ex (aka: Co parent) is part of the deal and having trouble with either of those will 100% cause drama.