1 year ago, I quit my job, and applied to 75+ jobs before getting one that would allow me to work remote so I could move with my boyfriend to California.
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Fast fwd a year our lease is almost up in a few weeks. I’ve had a terrible experience in CA. It never felt like home. I struggled to make friends. We are also living in a bad part of town, where we felt unsafe daily. My mental health took a big hit.
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I have the option to stay in CA with him in a safer area, but I really just want to move home to Texas. I miss my friends and family so much. When I visit Texas, I’m glowing with happiness.
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Am I a horrible partner if I move home and we switch to long distance? He’s supportive of me, but we are both nervous. We have been together over 7 years and never lived apart, and never lived alone. My boyfriend can’t move because he has in office requirements, and he doesn’t have any jobs posted in his industry so he doesn’t have the flexibility to move.
Marriage/engagement could be down the line, but we have a couple of things we need to align on before that happens.
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TL;DR: I’m scared this will have a negative impact on our relationship. Am I letting him down? Does anyone have positive experiences switching to LDR after years together?
2 comments
Does your bf want to move to TX at some point permanently to be with you there? If yes, then you guys could try to stick it out until the distance is closed. But if not, then the relationship is over.
It is really hard to imagine what you could further align on (values, priorities, timelines, decisions, how you picture life?) if you haven’t figured out how to align on them after seven years. (Is that fair? Or, are one or both of you trying to hold onto something because you’re just avoiding breaking up? Or, are one or both of you holding out for your partner to change something fundamental about themselves in order to match expectations when they really don’t want to do so?)
If I were in your shoes, I would definitely feel torn. After this time you’ve committed in this relationship, I would not move to TX (and essentially make some parts of the relationship take steps backward) unless there was an agreement for him to make the move in a year (or a specified time – as short as possible). But, if I had confidence in the relationship and he would be moving back to TX in a year anyway, I would try everything I could to remain in the same place where he was so you could remain connected emotionally and physically and then make the move home (or another closer location where both of you coukd have work) together. But, I realize that it might not be the same/ right choice for you.
Are you a horrible person for wanting to move home? No. But, I’d make sure there was a plan in place for when you will be together or that you had addressed all incompatibilities and areas where you don’t align before you take the big risk of moving or even talk about going back at different times. Neither one of you deserve to be spending more time (or all of the energy that a healthy LDR takes) if you don’t have a clear picture in mind. Take time and get the important stuff settled, face to face, intimately, with all cards on the table, soon.