All my life I feel like when I talk, especially in larger group settings, it seems like no one listens, and then when I stop talking everyone is quick to say I’m quiet. Being an introvert I get extremely upset and drained after these interactions when I am often ignored.
For a recent example that i can remember, i was reading to a friend from a bag of chips how long to cook it and what temperature (since she’s not wearing glass atm). Another friend came into the kitchen to ask me about something, but the conversation steered towards what the first friend is making for dinner. The first friend answered, then i repeated the instructions again to make sure since she seems confused the first time. The friend who had just came walked over to the chip bag, read it, then proceed to say the same thing I literally have just said.
In my head, i was just like ‘what the hell’. It’s really frustrating to have to have someone to ‘confirm’ what you’re saying as if you somehow too dumb to read or give basic instructions. Its like my help here doesn’t even matter. This isn’t the first time something of this sort happened
It really makes me hate myself sometimes. This is why I can’t have friends. But I don’t know whose fault it is. Is it theirs for not showing common courtesy? But I am the common factor, so isn’t it my fault for being a worthless shitbag? What can I do?
31 comments
Happens to me too because I’m an Introvert. One thing I think I try to do is try to understand the conversation mechanics.
Like I know when the conversation is going to end and what is going to happen next in the conversation like a new topics etc.
So I time my response during the appropriate time. Like during the awkward pause when there is a shift in a topic.
This makes sure I am heard and I am not overlapped by someone else talking over me.
Also some other things. Be confident, bold and loud when you speak, make sure people look at you when they speak thats one easy way to find out whether people are actually paying attention to you.
Also most of the time I can say that people make a conversation with me just as an icebreaker and will usually consist of a rhetorical question like: How are you?
Many times people have asked me this question without even waiting for a response and getting distracted by other people in the room.
Just understand they have attention span of a squirrel and are probably more interested in the activities happening around them.
Don’t take it personally and just be happy that they noticed you and atleast gave you a little spare second to ask you how you are.
I realize this is not easy and I understand it can be very frustrating, but don’t expect that someone will listen to you all the time. The truth is, people, will do things based on what they want and need. If someone likes you, they will pay attention to you and listen to what you say.
Sometimes you just need to distance yourself from such people. If they care, they will notice. If they don’t, you know where you stand. Just move from there.
I want to know if anyone else has gone through this and overcame it to become a great conversationalist.
It’s their fault. The fact that they can’t take a second to listen means you don’t need to give them any attention. Just walk away.
I find that you do need to be a little entertaining when you talk. People like to listen to interesting comments or funny comments or even (not too negatively) sarcastic comments. I’m not saying you have to be “on” all the time, but creating interest is important. It makes people curious about your take on things, and they will listen to your next thing, too.
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I had the same problem as you but I fixed it by speaking with volume.
It’s not always the speakers fault, some people are just absolutely horrible listeners. I thought it was me at first with a few people and I’m a confident speaker, then I joked about them being deaf and countless others said they’ve had the same experience with them.
It’s the worst when you tell them something, then they proceed to ask you the exact same thing 5 minutes later.
perhaps you talk too quietly?
I’m built and swag as fuck so people don’t expect me to be a quiet chill guy (recently i’ve been talking loud as shit because i want to talk louder) i notice sometimes when i say something kinda quiet, mfs “ignore me.” then i just say it again louder
Are you talking to them… or at them. Huge difference. Did you even try to get their attention or confirm that you had it. Try confirming first… “ok, are you ready?” and other belittling things will make you alpha. Also pausing before reacting to anything, don’t be a puppy dying for attention.
Another thing to keep in mind is everyone has the attention span of a fucking goldfish these days. If you are perhaps quiet, or a little monotone, people struggle to stay engaged (I have been told that I have a monotone voice when I confronted others for ignoring me when I spoke)
I sometimes have to remind myself how much everyone’s visual and auditory senses are constantly bombarded with strong stimuli in this modern world. Very smart and well-paid marketers spend a lot of time developing ads / commercials intended to grab our attention and keep it for more than a few seconds. They say the most valuable commodity these days is attention / time (the more any app can keep your eyes and ears occupied the more money they get). So what I’m getting at is a lot of us have become somewhat desensitized to a lot of stimuli.
I’ve noticed it in conversations, where a person loses focus and patience if a person doesn’t get to the point very quickly, or if the person doesn’t use very flashy or attention grabbing language or tone of voice. It’s interesting to note that the Native Americans often spoke slowly and deliberately, in a way that, nowadays, most would consider mind numbingly boring. But quiet rivers run deep, and I personally prefer substance over superficiality. Anyways, I’m not sure I’m doing a great job answering your question, but perhaps there are some trains of thought in this tangent that provide some value.
OP, there’s a lot of terrible advice in this thread. It’s a bunch of people saying “change friend groups!” but then also saying the same thing happens to them lol. I agree to a degree that the right person will want to listen, but also if you noticed a pattern then it’s probably worth addressing.
Might seem unrelated, but what’s your breathing like? Ever learned to sing? Breathing into diaphragm and projecting can make a big difference in how your words are received. Even at the very least being conscious of your breath before/during speaking. Maybe you could try next time you’re in a conversation, before you say your next piece, take a nice deep relaxed breath. This is quite different if you’ve never sang, so if this feels weird it can even be a deep breath in and then out, then speak normally. The mindfulness you’ll get from doing that is probably just as important as the projection.
Realistically, it likely comes down to a lot of things though: body language, eye contact, word choice, even clothes you’re wearing or hairstyle can make a difference. The best advice I could give is to project confidence even if it’s fake confidence.
This is coming from someone who has had a stutter my entire life btw… sometimes I’ll be stuttering bad one day and people won’t want to listen anymore. I had to learn how to navigate that, and not let it get in my head – I think the last thing is the most important part, although easier said than done ofc. I’ve had my share of “what the hell” moments, but it’s so important that you can also talk yourself thru those moments and remember that it’s not a major fault of yours at all, its just something that happened, you can figure out why later and work on it over time, but getting out of that mind-reading loop is the most important thing you can do in those moments.
Maybe watch some great speakers, and think of what you can take from them. Think about how their body language or word choice or cadence might be different from yours, and maybe look for even one single thing you can take away (whether it’s posture, a specific gesture, even just a new vocabulary word!).
Maybe you could benefit from just talking at a higher frequency! Or lower? Experiment, and remember you can be whoever you want at any moment.
Lots of unspecific advice here but hope some of it can help!
If you’re speaking loud and energetically with a positive attitude. Talking with nice people (who don’t belittle others for the fun of it). And don’t interrupt people while they speak. The problem lies in not talking about interesting things they care about. Where these interesting things make people feel good.
Unless these “friends” truly do ignore you consistently. In that case, you may just need new friends.
To ignore something is to give it no attention. When you see a big, red stop sign while driving, what do you do? You stop because it has your attention. If you say interesting things people care about, you cannot be ignored. But if what you say is on a different frequency to what someone is attuned to, you may be like a ghost in the wind. So much so that you’ll barely have any presence.
You cannot control what other do so here some stuff you Can Do to help you :
Learn how to speak with your belly so you Can UP the volume without hurting your voice and you will make natural pause to breathe which will make it more impactful.
Also body language. Do they look at you? If not catch their attention, pause brielfly while looking at them in the eyes, then speak.
You Can Also use your body to take Space and strenghten your words
You know how when you’re on the phone to talk to customer service, you sometimes have to navigate a bunch of pre-recorded phone tree options before you can talk to a real person? Do you ever notice how easy it is to miss information on these pre-recordings, especially if it drones on for a very long time, unless you’re paying a LOT of attention?
This is because when you’re listening to a prerecorded message like this, they’re not giving certain voice and language cues for you to latch onto, or because you’re not really allowed to interact with the recorded voice to direct the conversation to something more relevant, making it sometimes hard catch important info.
A similar phenomenon can happen with interactions with real people. If we talk for a while about something without giving enough speech cues (e.g. pauses in the right spot to make sure people are caught up or to give a chance for them to understand), or catching social cues from other people (e.g. seeing if they look confused), the result may be that the listener spaces out without even realizing it.
That’s the social cues explanation. The other possibility is just that they weren’t listening in that moment for whatever reason, not always malicious. Maybe they were thinking about something else. Maybe they’ve have it rough lately, and have been spacing out for everyone, not just you. Maybe they have ADHD or attention deficits caused by other mental health issues. It happens sometimes, and I can definitely empathize, because I’ve legit had multiple instances of people starting a conversation with another person in the group in the middle of me talking. For myself, I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m missing those cues. If it happens repeatedly, you may be in a similar boat. If it’s just one-offs, chalk it up to random inattention that just happens sometimes.
I’ve had a “friend” that did this to me ALLLL the time, always making me feel stupid and unheard. Some people are just natural a**holes :/
It used to be like this for me too. To be honest, sometimes it is a *you* problem, and sometimes you are just around shitty people. I’d say find a better social circle.
If this happens everywhere you go, evaluate what *you* may be doing. Sometimes speaking too softly and not authoritatively enough. Sometimes talking too much to the point where they don’t think what you’re saying is important. Or the topic it is uninteresting.
With all of that said… I’ve said this forever and I will probably put it on my tombstone at this point (just kidding, haha).
# PEOPLE ARE SHITTY LISTENERS!!!!
Like, almost all of them! When they aren’t forced to listen to something (tbh, even when they are) or when they aren’t listening to an authority figure or a crush, they suck! They have the attention span of fruit flies. So **please** do not take this personal.
One of the best advice I give is the easiest thing you can do to make friends is listen well. You’ll easily be one of the best listeners if you make an active effort to do so. It’s basically a cheat code for making friends at this point.
Did you call it out
happened to me too I got told i was annoying and werid but then when i got quiet Peopoe complained as well and said i was creepy and werid
I can relate to this.
Somethings that could be contributing are low confidence making what you say sound uncertain (or moreso like you’re unsure, therefore making the recipients unsure of it), or simply not speaking loud enough.
What I have found to be helpful is to 1) build confidence enough to where you are certain enough about what you’re saying that it’s hard to ignore. That way if someone does continue to ignore you, it’s on them not you.
2) distance from those who ignore you.
I decided that when people ignore others or interrupt, it %100 goes against my values and we do not align. Which is okay. Also means that it’s okay for me to separate myself from such people, even if they feel uncomfortable about it or if it’s hard to do at first.
These things take time. But you can absolutely do it. Understand first and foremost, what you have to say DOES matter. And you’ll find that the right people will make you feel even more sure of that.
Also, adjusting your self perception related to social stuff would likely help. You CAN have friends. You are worthy of it and capable, just as everyone is. It comes more easily to some people, so people like us simply have to work a little harder. That being so, the work is well worth it in the end.
Tl;dr but I recommend
1. Podcasts
2. Toastmasters. Summarize and Repeat points of view that hit you hard in podcasts
3. Improv groups. Practice zip zap zop.
4. different groups of people. Friends and family can form a mental idea of you after a while and they might never change even once you grow
5. record and research speakers with a similar tone of voice. Ask others for advice.
6. make your own podcast talking about only what you love, and only when you feel like it, not for money, and not for friends. Make it private at first. Edit it eventually mentality.
7. do video explanations of basic things. Store privately and make yourself interested in what you’re telling a story about.
8. pause more often, it adds importance, think halfway to Barack Obama level pausing. Shift tonality. Put emotion into your speech.
I believe this is a problem that we create on our selves.people might not listen to you for a number of reasons but you should not always blame yourself.some people zone off, some people have poor listening skills/short attention span,some just don’t find value in what you have to say or think they can’t be educated by others.it is all about how you deal with the situation without affecting your self megitivly.
Try secretly recording a video of yourself speaking casually. See if the way you speak can capture, your attention.
Your quality has nothing to do with how people treat you. They do that because either you were talking to quiet and they just didn’t realize you were talking or they did and they just didn’t care, in which case they’re not a good fit for you
This is me all of the time. People think I’m stupid and literally think I’m some special needs type of person just because I’m really quiet and talk kind of slow and I’m tired of it. At work someone asked me something and answered them and they just brushed it off and asked my boyfriend the same question and he basically answered them with the same answer but in a different way. It’s an extrovert dominated world and seems people that talk loud and a lot are automatically smarter than a quiet person even though they say a lot of dumb stuff.
Many people suck at conversation and are only waiting for their turn to speak. There’s nothing wrong with you. The trick is finding the right people who will listen to you and are interested in what you have to say. They’re out there. I promise. They can be hard to find, though.
I feel you. People will literally not even realize I’m there sometimes. People suck.
same:(
You have to talk to the indivual in the group that’s controlling the conversation the most. That’s how you cut trough the power Dynamics
Adhd maybe. Look into it. Might change your life
You need people to respect you and like you.