I have a friend who I don’t work well with. I’ve had a lot of problems with her micro aggressions such as calling others a sl** because they have been in a relationship and she hasn’t. It feels very typical mean girl vibes, but I can’t burn the bridge so to speak because we have close mutual friends. I want to distance myself as much as possible from her but she is invited to group hang outs often. I’m trying my hardest to not react emotionally when she is rude, but it’s difficult for me when she is constantly throwing out these micro aggressions. I believe she tends to say negative things about her friends to keep the attention off of her. Many people have asked me “why don’t you say something mean back” but I don’t want to make things worse.
2 comments
Just ignore her, those types only crave attention and ignoring is the best thing you can do.
She doesn’t sound like a friend at all. She sounds like someone your friends invite places.
I agree that saying something mean back is the wrong choice, but not to “keep the peace”.
For one thing, you already know that behaviour is toxic and makes ppl uncomfortable, so there is no reason for you to do something you know is wrong – it interferes with self-respect.
The other reason not to snap back something nasty is that it focuses attention on this person.
Why is she mean? It’s a standard tactic for ppl who have no idea how to form a social attachment in a healthy way, so they go for attention, any way they can get it, good attention or bad attention. It’s the behaviour of someone who probably experiences neglect or abuse at home, and so has no template for forming healthy connections.
It’s sad, really. But it is not your problem to fix. In fact, the only way for this person to climb out of that lonely unhappy hole is for them to recognize that something is wrong and decide they want a better life.
In the mean time, what can you do that keeps this mess from getting worse? Remove all attention and all acknowledgment immediately. Walk away if approached. Don’t speak or respond in any way if she speaks. Turn away from her, look off into the distance, talk to someone else as if she hadn’t spoken. But, ideally, be as far away as possible. (It could help her see she needs to modify her behaviour, but that might be too much to ask)
Separate issue: you are unwilling to tell your other friends you find her company unpleasant bc she is mean spirited and cruel. (Note: if ppl disagree or say “it’s not that bad”, instead ask them to try to remember a positive or upbeat or complimentary thing she has said)
Are you concerned about not being believed? About being called too sensitive? About not being invited again with this group of friends? If the rest of the group are great ppl, they will at least be mindful of not letting her say mean things to you. If they think her meanness isn’t a problem and don’t care if your feelings are hurt…are they really friends?
Friendship is not just proximity or familiarity – it’s supposed to be uplifting and nourishing and be a bright spot in our day. If the ppl we hang out with can’t offer that, then it may be time to find some new friends.