I am 31 this year, raised by a single mother. I never had any semblance of a masculine figure to look up to growing up. I’ve always considered myself a cool, calm and collected person. I think before I speak and always try to be thoughtful and considerate of those around me, just trying to be a good person. But I am getting very frustrated recently. People interpret my kindness as being “soft” and “gentle”. I could have just one or two conversations and most people are coming to this conclusion, and that pisses me off because that honestly isn’t my intention.
This is beginning to impact both my professional and dating life. I do not like this and need it to change. The problem is, I have always had this personality and I don’t know how to change. It never bothered this much until recently, and now I see I may have a real problem. How can I grow out of this “soft” place, develop a more respectable personality while remaining true to myself and my core values?
7 comments
What’s wrong with soft and gentle? And what are your core values?
1. Being who you are is fine. You sound like a normal midwesterner.
2. To give you advice you would need to be more specific.
Soft, for instance, can be positive if it means you have empathy and you aren’t quick to anger. It’s good to care and it’s good to not fly off the handle. One negative way of being “soft” on the other hand is avoiding confrontation when confrontation is needed. That’s cowardice. Do you let people walk all over you? If you see someone crossing a line in front of you do say something or do you clam up?
If that’s not an issue can you give a more specific example of a situation and the way you acted that you aren’t happy with?
Being soft and gentle is in and of itself not a problem, being TOO soft and gentle is. Do you stand up for yourself in the face of conflict? Can you say no to people trying to exploit your kindness?
Ask for what you want. Being “agreeable” and going along with the group is considered a womanly trait. You can still be kind and gentle while having clear goals and expectations. People don’t respect a man that doesn’t appear to have passion or principle.
I guess I am on the softer side, too. This is just the way I am. I also don’t see anything “wrong” with it, especially the “gentle” part.
I do think we there are some things people like us need:
1) To ensure that we have enough confidence in ourselves. You can be gentle, but confident. On that, practice helps, and thinking about what you know (and don’t), and what your capabilities are (so you are more confident talking about something you know, and avoid talking about things you dont), can help.
2) To set boundaries. I think you can be gentle, even soft, but firm when needed. Very often this just means looking serious/cold and letting the person know that what they did is not OK. Of course, it can happen that not allowing our boundaries to be crossed causes conflict, and we need to be able to handle that.
I think martial arts can help people build confidence, and also experience “simulated” conflict. It might be something to try.
To know when to just let go and when to push back, that’s a whole different thing. It depends on whether you’ll keep interacting with the person or not, but also on many other things, and I, at least, have no easy formula.
I’m sorry if this is too ramble-y. I hope it helps.
Be soft and gentle but firm when it is needed.
It’s good to be soft and gentle as long as you don’t get pushed around and you’re assertive when required.
Rather than looking at it the way you are, try to improve your confidence and assertiveness?