My (36M) husband who I have been with for 13 years now and have three kids with started to lie to me (35F) about a coworker 5 years ago. It all started when one day I found a pair of adidas sneakers ($200) that he bought for her because it was her birthday. The day he purchased them, he told me he was grocery shopping but didn’t mention he stopped by the mall and I even recall when I helped bring in the groceries, they were all in the front seat instead of the trunk which I found odd but didn’t think much about it. Anyways, next day I had to get a cable box I had to return from the trunk and that’s when I found the shoes and asked who they were for. He admitted they were for this girl at his work and I told him that a gift like that made me feel uncomfortable and why didn’t he talk to me about it if he really wanted to get that for her. Anyways he was apologetic, but something in my gut was telling me I don’t know the whole story. Eventually I did look through his phone and found out this wasn’t the first time he lied about her. He had been to her place a few times, during the week and stayed at her house till 10 pm when he had told me he was hanging out with his other guy friends. I confronted him and he stated he lied to me because during that time I had just gave birth to our 3rd child and was navigating post partum depression and he didn’t want me to stress or worry about anything. Throughout the years, other things happened like him sending her flowers, buying her more gifts, chatting with her about her personal stuff. I want to believe they are truly just friends but I just don’t get why he lies to me. He says because he thinks I’ll go crazy but I have talked to him and assured him that I would rather have him be upfront with me than do things behind my back but now this friendship makes me feel uncomfortable. Eventually we had agreed on him being upfront and letting me know if they ever hang out to help me start to feel more comfortable. Well that was five years ago and till this day, he still lies about this women even hung out with her a month ago and still using the same excuse that he lies because he doesn’t know how I will react. I don’t know what to do. When we discuss, he gets very upset, asks why I get so jealous, how she is such a nice person, etc. and I don’t have to worry. I have asked for us to go to therapy but he has refused because he doesn’t believe in it. I have even taken time apart from him but he reels me in because during that time of us not being on good terms, he buys me things, starts helping out more with kids and house, basically becomes super nice, but every time I try to talk to him and try to get this resolved so the lying stops, he just gets upset again, gives me the silent treatment, tells me he is just going to get on bumble because he can’t handle this anymore but then goes to being such a nice person once his anger settles. I sometimes feel like maybe I am overreacting, I really don’t want to control him, I just want honestly and consideration so I currently feel really stuck. I should say when they first started talking and hanging out, this woman did not have a bf, I believe she has a bf now so I know nothing is going on but I just don’t get why he has to lie about hanging out with her. Should I just let it go or is it time for me to move on? If I’m being honest, my perception of him has just changed and I now feel detached.
33 comments
> She has a bf now so I know nothing is going on
And your husband is married so…?
There’s oblivious and then there’s “blindfold me cos I don’t wanna see this for what it is” 😐
Hmmm.. 🤔. If this has been going on 5 years. And he has to lie to you about what he’s doing even after you know most of what’s going on now. Sounds like it may be time for you to move on.. Especially if he’s ever actually cheated on you. But it sounds like you need someone that will treat you with respect and like you’re the only woman in the world
How’s your sex life together?
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Frankly it sounds like he wants to cheat, even if she’s not reciprocating. Regardless he’s lying about another person that is concerning you. And he’s not changing, so something else ought to change.
People cannot really be the naive. He’s buying her gifts and flowers? Staying at her place until late at night? And constantly lying to you about it? Girl come on. I know you don’t want to face it, but he’s having an affair. Plain as day.
Have you ever met this other woman?
He’s prioritizing and protecting his relationship with her over your own relationship. The fact that they see each other at work, communication without your knowledge, and even meet up alone is not good. It sounds like a full blown affair.
>I had just gave birth to our 3rd child and was navigating post partum depression
When he should have been home helping you and the children, he was instead wooing this woman with flowers, gifts, and spending time with her at her apartment until late.
Please don’t let him still gaslight you.
>lying stops, he just gets upset again, gives me the silent treatment, tells me he is just going to get on bumble because he can’t handle this anymore
This is psychological abuse. He’s purposely lying and manipulating you.
>I believe she has a bf now so I know nothing is going on
Your relationship didn’t stop them, so why should a BF?
You should look up chumplady.com or just look around the sub r/survivinginfidelity and see what he’s doing is tactics of cheaters.
>I asked for us to go to therapy but he has refused because he doesn’t believe in it.
Abusers never want to have to face the truth of who they are. A therapist would show him his own abusive truth.
If he won’t go, you should. You deserve to be able to speak to someone about how he treats you.
I do hope for the best for you, but you need to take control of your own life away from him.
Sounds like he’s had a girlfriend for 5 years. Please don’t let him gaslight you anymore. Move on with your life. I would’ve gone scorched earth when he was at another woman’s house until 10pm while you were postpartum and taking care of 3 kids. The utter disrespect. You know where my husband was at 10pm when I was struggling postpartum with our third? At my side, taking care of his family, not “hanging out” with another woman and lying about it. Even if it’s not an affair (and let’s be honest, it sounds like one) the disrespect alone is enough to walk.
Be strong. You deserve better and he’s been enjoying the last 5 years acting like you don’t know that.
You already know, what are YOU going to do about it.
Nobody who is just an acquaintance is spending that around of money on someone they are not having an EA/PA with.
Start making an exit plan, or keep being second choice to his secret woman.
He’s leaving you to deal with a PPD and newborn plus other kids while hiding out at her apartment. (Come on, now 😶)
He has been having an affair. He has been very successful in manipulating you and making you doubt yourself, and reality. Get your finances in order and start making plans to leave. It’s over.
I only read until the shoes of 200 bucks, girl it’s obvious he ain’t Faithfull
I think you are in denial- it is an inappropriate relationship for a married man – period. Not cool at all. If you do not seek counseling or give him an ultimatum to dump this “friend” then you are just letting it happen. Good luck – sucks when spouses are idiots.
You have stated how you feel to him and he has repeatedly ignored your concerns. It is alienation of affection . Get your things in order and file for divorce and custody. He has trampled on any trust.
something to think about: speaking from experience how you manage this will teach your kids how to relate to their own partners. Ask yourself what type of relationships you want for them, and then respond accordingly. Good luck to you.
Hopefully, he’ll invite you and the kids to the wedding when he marries this co-worker. …..
He is cheating. Buying $200 pairs of shoes, sending flowers, talking about personal stuff with a person of the opposite sex, lying about where they are at when they are at this person’s apartment at 10 PM – that doesn’t say “just friends”. That’s his mistress.
>I have even taken time apart from him but he reels me in because during that time of us not being on good terms, he buys me things, starts helping out more with kids and house, basically becomes super nice
He is probably just playing nice to keep you from divorcing him. Like that saying, “It’s cheaper to keep her”. Divorce, child support on 3 kids, and possibly alimony wouldn’t come cheap.
Please stand up for yourself. He’s crossing very reasonable boundaries and then making it seem as if you’re the petty jealous one. Do you have a friendship with this girl? If there is nothing wrong happening then you would know her. There would be no reason to lie and there would be total transparency.
Would he be okay if another man bought you expensive gifts, flowers, etc? If you expended time and energy away from your family to spend time with another man? And then lied about it all? You’re not crazy, possessive, or jealous OP. You just want a committed husband. It seems like this man has convinced you this is normal when it is not. If someone won’t respect your very reasonable boundaries then they are not the one for you. Let him have as many girlfriends as he wants without you being there waiting bc that is what you described is happening. Please respect yourself bc this man is not. Sorry you’re going through this OP. I wish you and your family the best.
Your husband was using marital funds to spend on his GF. He didn’t have permission to do that. Get the receipts and proof. Either way your husband has feelings for her. You are going to need it. You may need to invest in a PI and shop attorneys as well. He is only love bombing you because he doesn’t want to lose half his assets. Since he has you, he’ll wait out the BF.
Ma’am please don’t gaslight yourself. Obviously they’re having an affair. Like damn.
This can’t be real, right? I’m sorry but I don’t get how someone can be this naive and this much of a pushover.
You’re basically *allowing* to keep cheating at this point.
God, this reminds me of my friend. Her dad has a whole other family and her mum ‘doesn’t’ know. She is in denial and it makes my friend so angry when her dad makes his excuses to spend time with his mistress and kids and his mum accepts his excuses.
OP, open your eyes, this doesn’t just affect you, my friend has a lot of trust issues as a result of her parents, don’t do the same to your children.
Your husband has shown time and time again that he’s lying, has walked all over your boundaries, disrespected your relationship, and disrespected you. And you’ve been kind enough to sit back and let him get away with as much as he can. Please wake up. If this was happening to your daughter would you be fine with it?
Also, cause you need it spelled out to you, he is cheating. If not physically, he is emotionally. And if he says he isn’t/hasn’t, his words do not count for anything because he’s lied for 5years. He has manipulated you and gaslighted you by making you think it’s in your head, making you think you’re overreacting, and making you think it’s jealousy when you know it isn’t. If it doesn’t feel right it isn’t right.
Give her a call, since she’s such a good friend of your husbands, and she has a boyfriend, ask to go out on a double date.
Why do people constantly say ‘she/he is married/has a boyfriend so I know they’re not cheating’
The best person to cheat with is someone else who is also in a relationship because;
– the affair partner will not fall in love with you
– they will not expose you to your partner when it ends because it would blow up their life also
– they won’t expect you to get into a relationship with them and leave your wife/husband
It’s like a sexual mutually assured destruction, both parties have nukes and that prevents the nukes from being used
Honey it’s 100% an emotional affair if not physical for her to accept such gifts from a MARRIED man.
You need to stop letting him walk all over you because that what he doing.
It’s simple he cut her off or he is now single.. and stick to it, no matter what he says he a cheat.
How about you say to him ‘ oh I need you to watch the kids for me next weekend as I’m meeting an old high school/ college friend (insert male name)’
If he has a problem with it say ‘ well I’ve just think your being jealous and insecure, I’ve let you hang out and buy gifts for another woman for five years I think me meeting an old friend is nothing’
Then go out, go for a drive for hours fu#k him.
Or if you don’t want to do that uts simple
” I’m tired of having the same argument with you, so I’ve got an appointment with a lawyer( even of you haven’t)
And your next move determines whether I go to the meeting, I want you to cut her off, stop sending her gifts or we are done those are your choices, no negotiations”
And if he calls you jealous insecure, say I shouldn’t have to ask my husband to stop being inappropriate with another woman or stop putting her needs above mine.. so if you won’t stop then we are over and we will need to discuss visitation of the children..
Just leave honey, he has been sleeping with her 100% and if he says your lying take his phone and call her and ask her yourself.
Say ‘ I’ve spoke to my husband and he told me everything about your relationship but I want to hear your side before I can move forward’
Secrecy and sexual tension means cheating ! Since when you buy a gift of 200$ to another woman behind your wife back?! He hide things,go out with her,get close when he is a married man and it’s unacceptable. Also sorry but at the moment your partner is on a date ap it’s 🚩!
He is playing and gaslighting you ,so stop that all mess and act!
Oh honey.
My bet is her “boyfriend” is a cover to make you stop questioning his actions since he is clearly cheating on you.
The moment he lied to you about his whereabouts he’s cheating.
You’ve told him that friendship makes you uncomfortable and that should have been enough to cut ties with her.
First, increase his life insurance.
Second get in contact with her boyfriend.
Third wait until your husband is there at a late hour, then call her boyfriend. When he goes there and catches your husband in bed with his woman, he’ll kill him and you get paid!
Seriously, you know he treats her differently than his other female friends? He has been lying and gaslighting you for 5 years?! C’mon you’ve gotta know what’s going on!
He bought $200 shoes for a coworker and all you said was that it made you uncomfortable? I would have said there is no way in hell you are spending that much of our money on a coworker and the next time you need a gift for one just tell me and I’ll go out and get an appropriately priced gift. You should have put your foot down years ago. Instead, you’ve let him walk all over you. This man has no respect for your marriage. He basically stopped being your husband 5 years ago. This woman doesn’t have a boyfriend. He is her boyfriend. She’s probably wondering why you’re even still around. If he’s lying to you then he’s lying to her too. He’s telling her that you guys are separated but you just live in the same house for the sake of the kids.
Lying to save someone feelings is Ass backwards. It is only going to make things worse.
Who in the shit buys a $200 gift for a coworker? That’s weird AF.
He doesn’t want to pay you for years if you divorced so he fucks and spoils his girlfriend on the side and you seem okay with that. Yuk.
Honey, surely you’re not really this stupid. He’s cheating on you, 100%. You have seen the proof for years and you continue to believe him?? Come on….