Forgive me for asking a question which to many of you might be extremely obvious, but I have far less experience than most people here. I’m not asking about online dating necessarily as I’ve never used it.
Obviously it will depend on culture and age group. I’m early 20s living in Western Europe for context.
I used to think that if something looks like a relationship then that’s what it is. But I’ve learned the hard way that even if someone asks you out on dates, spends a lot of time talking with you, indicates that they’re emotionally attracted to you, has sex with you, that by default it’s this ambiguous state between friends with benefits and a relationship unless defined as otherwise.
I thought that not too long in the past, if you do these kind of things with someone without having the intention of being in a relationship with them then you’re leading them on. But now nobody (even seemingly nice people) seems to have moral qualms about this and if anyone makes assumptions based on another person’s behaviour then it’s their fault when they’re proven wrong.
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They’re not and not real. This neologism is idiotic and needs to die. JMO.
> if anyone makes assumptions based on another person’s behaviour then it’s their fault
I think it’s 100% this. If you *think* you’re in a relationship, but you and your partner haven’t actually stated it, then you’re not. Assuming you are and getting mad when the other person doesn’t “act right” is called a covert contract and it’s extremely toxic.
>I’ve learned the hard way that even if someone asks you out on dates, spends a lot of time talking with you, indicates that they’re emotionally attracted to you, has sex with you, that by default it’s this ambiguous state between friends with benefits and a relationship unless defined as otherwise.
Correct. Although I wanna say it’s newer in your neck of the woods vs here in the States, where it’s been the norm since as long as I can remember.
>I thought that not too long in the past, if you do these kind of things with someone without having the intention of being in a relationship with them then you’re leading them on.
Where you live, it’s possible this is new BUT leading someone on is telling them you want a relationship when you really don’t. I feel some ppl don’t ask or make assumptions, then believe they were “led on” when their assumptions were wrong.
This is what you do. When you first meet someone and you decide you want to go out, ask them what it is they’re looking for. If they don’t give you a straight up answer of “I’m looking for a relationship” don’t date them.
Sounds just like a new word for a “fresh” relationship. Its not like we hadnt had “situationships” before that where not clear. Its not like you completly are in love or not. Sometimes it is something in between. Or you love someone but the outside factors are a problem for more.
We just said “yeah i realy like her but i dont know”. And things like that. But the concept is nothing more. I like it that we have a word for it now and dont need to explain it in 10 sentences lol.
I feel like people are doing the same thing we always did, we’re just less likely to put a label on it. Possibly because of social media? Now it’s not just the two friends you told that know you’re in a relationship, it’s your coworkers and grandparents and literally anyone in the world. You don’t want to be embarrassed in front of everyone when things don’t work out, or if your partner does something stupid. But I think the situationships of today are the same as the dead end relationships of days prior. They were pretty much the norm for me back when I was dating. Great people. Good relationships. Just never quite good enough to fully and publicly commit. They always felt like they were going somewhere and then just froze somewhere along the way.
Have you ever seen the movie *500 Days of Summer*? To me, that is a classic example of a “situationship”. One person got carried away thinking it was more than it was. Basically, you have to be proactive and be ready to put labels on things or be prepared to walk away.
I think this arises because people don’t want to be rejected. A lot of people are afraid of putting labels on things because they might scare away the other person. It is a real balancing act. And some people can be really thick.
They only become the norm for you if you let them be. They come from both people being unwilling to label the relationship. All you have to do to avoid it is draw your own boundaries about when you want/need to define the relationship. If you want to make things official (or confirm that it is just casual), ask. At least that’s what I do. Boom, no more situationship.
I don’t have much to say except look out for yourself so you won’t get hurt. Know what you want and establish it from the beginning; if they don’t respect it, walk!
Perhaps with the online dating world you get to meet people who would wouldn’t normally be able to, which can lead to tricky situations with distance or the idea that there’s easier ways to find better people. Leads to a fear of commitment
To the norm that people accept it.
Like literally, if you want a relationship say so and if you don’t get it, walk away.
Like the solution is really not had at all. As guys are told oh so often “there not interested, take your L and more on to the next one”.
Situationships only occur because people are reluctant to actually communicate and clear things up. It’s like Schrodinger’s Cat, it could have a positive or negative outcome, but you won’t know until you open the box. It could be someone wasting your time or it could be a committed relationship, but you’ll need to ask the question.
People have been afraid of commitment, responsibility, and proper communication since the beginning of time. It’s nothing new, just these days it’s a trend to put labels on things so that they feel better about themselves.
Situationships seem to be the default these days.