I (f43) and my husband (m44) have been married for nearly 20 years and together for 24. We are deeply in love and have an amazing relationship. I love him so much it hurts and I know he loves me too. However, since COVID, he has changed so much. He believes all the vaccine conspiracies, listens to all the conspiracy theory podcasts and has basically drowned in the COVID rabbit hole. Not to mention the political beliefs and just overall, what I consider, off the wall opinions.
We’ve fought about this over and over again. I tell him he can believe what he wants (because changing his mind is a losing battle) but he has got to stop bringing it home to me.
Tonight he mentioned again, about how someone was forced to take the vaccine and now they’re blind and paralyzed. I got upset and told him to stop with the COVID BS. He yelled that I was being stupid, was pissed that I didn’t believe him and would think it was a conspiracy theory and has now rolled over in bed and is refusing to talk to or touch me. We’ve been through this so many times the last few years and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’m losing so much respect for him and it seems this isn’t going away. It’s absolutely ruining my marriage and I feel so helpless.
We’ve talked about this so much and it gets better for a while then he’ll mention something again and we’ll argue and the cycle starts again.
I’m sure people will ask, and yes, I think if I pushed it, he would go to counselling, and I’ll suggest it (maybe insist upon it!) but, in the meantime, what do I do? I don’t want to lose my marriage – if it wasn’t for this, we have no major issues. But it’s hard loving a man you’re slowing starting to not respect.
Any advice is greatly appreciated
TL;DR My husband (44) of 20 years is a conspiracy theorist and I (f43) don’t know what to do. Marriage is wonderful otherwise
9 comments
I think you might benefit from reading the r/QAnonCasualties subreddit. I haven’t browsed it much, but it’s for people who have lost loved ones to the q anon conspiracy theories. Which seems to be along the lines of your issue, and close enough even if there are some differences. I do think couple’s counseling is a good idea. It’s not always possible to bring people back though. I do wish you luck though, as it is quite sad.
It might be worth, if he’s up for it, finding an existential therapist. They work with people who feel the world is unsafe, which is ultimately where conspiracy theories come from.
For you to be able to salvage this, it is imperative that he realises his faults and is willing to change them. No matter how hard you try, if he doesn’t budge, you won’t be able to get him back.
The only thing I see is that you have a calm and civil conversation with him, it is very important to NOT be accusing, but understanding. And tell him verbatim what you wrote at the end of the post (the part about respect). If he thinks you’re in the wrong, you have your answer.
And to add in a bit of pseudo psychology reading to it, it means he just doesn’t love you the way you love him. If his conspiracy theories are more important than your marriage…
You need to wake up that shit hes talking about is not a conspiracy! Sheeple believe everything the media and uncle Sam says
Divorce him. He really needs to get off the internet. He is too stupid to be on it and easily manipulated. Needs to see a therapist.
I think you should push to have professional help. That can better help you both talk about your emotions. I don’t think this is just about political views, or COVID conspiracies. I also don’t share political views with my wife nor can we agree on that but I don’t disrespect her, she listens to me, I listen to her, we don’t agree and that’s it and it’s okay. You both are taking this too personally and fighting each other trying to prove anything is the problem.
You both should be able to have your own opinions and after all no one can know the truth for certain. The problem I think comes down to obsessive and compulsive paranoia. Even if it was true, there was nothing in his power he could do. Ask him if it’s more important to be right (which there is no guarantee on either side) or to be married to the one you love.
> I tell him he can believe what he wants (because changing his mind is a losing battle)
I find this attitude really weird. Did this attitude really only start during the COVID years, or was he prone to “playing devils advocate” or “alternative facts” in the previous years you were together?
How many times does someone have to die suddenly/have a sudden medical condition after vaccination before you actually pay attention. Your husband should be exasperated with you, not the other way around
Downvote away.