Okay so there’s a lot of context to this lol, so if you have the time and energy to read this, buckle up!
So scrolling through Instagram the other day, it made me realize how many friends (or maybe acquaintances or people to hang out with) people have even after college. I used to have a big friend group both in hs and college too, but once college ended we mostly all live in different areas and I lucked out and live in the middle of nowhere far from anyone in that friend group. Most of us ended up drifting apart and doing our thing. For hs, it sizzled out longer than after college, but it’s kind of in the same boat now. In the time of living those 2 experiences with those friend groups, it never seemed like it would happen. At least with my hs friend group, since we were so close. But everyone’s off in grad school in diff parts of the country so it’s hard to keep in touch. It’s only rlly a birthday if someone’s celebrating where most of us get to see/catch up/hang out with each other.
I wasn’t particularly super close with anyone specifically in this college group of friends, but we spent most of our college time together being part of the same club org in college and I enjoyed being around them and spending time together. Where some of us wouldn’t hang out with someone one on one, but altogether as a group it was a good time. So maybe more of acquaintances? Party friends? Event friends? Some of the friends in our group also had a major falling out due to some drama (a reason why some big friend groups do not work well lol), so that was a reason we scattered our 4th year/after college. Now, I haven’t seen or talked to most of them closer to the time we graduated aside from the occasional chat or comment through social media. I only keep in contact with my little/big/grand of the cultural club I was in and like 3 other friends from that club, for a grand total of 6 people who live in different areas of our state, that I would truly consider friends and would actively try to see/hang out with if we lived closer.
Whenever I go on Instagram, I see people hanging out with new people and large groups and I miss it. Granted, the people posting are mostly new people I met recently through my partner, but I’ve noticed that they know and hang out with SO many different people. For the girls, I’ve noticed a trend where it’s sorority sisters (even if graduated) they’re mostly hanging out with or going on trips. I was in it for a year in college (went to a pretty small college) and it wasn’t for me at the time, but looking back and now it makes me wish I stayed in it if it meant I could connect with people even after college because of that community of just being in one.
I think I just miss the feeling of being in a community and that connection. I spend most of my days alone and then only people I really talk to are my boyfriend (been together for almost 4 years now) and my family. We’re long distance too, whenever I visit I visit for a week or 2 at a time and usually hang with his friends on the weekends when I visit. I love all of them he’s introduced me to, but for some reason in my head they’ll forever be his friends first. I would love to get rid of this mindset so I can truly connect and get closer to them. The girlfriends of course are friendly. But since I’m not around too often, I don’t really get the chance I want to get to know them better, but I try to when I’m there.
On a side note, my boyfriend has a lot of friends (his childhood/hs friend group are still close and his college friend group is closer/hang out way more than mine) and they hang out often and sometimes he does too. I don’t blame him for it and he doesn’t go out as often anymore, but when he does I do feel lonely because I don’t have my group of friends to hang out with anymore. I am a bit jealous tbh which is why I would love to make my own friends separate from his group of friends/their gfs though.
I’m not a big texter/phone caller, more of an in person type socializer. But the thing is I’m more of an introvert and know how to put my semi-extrovert mask on in social settings (more group settings, I kinda struggle 1 on 1), but that requires a lot of energy. I get drained after those large group setting interactions and I need to recharge my social battery after for a while. I do love going out and clubbing and that sort of things when I’m with my boyfriend (he lives in a big city and we go to festivals/take trips from time to time with his friends).
In college, I was pretty social but having difficulty now since I’m not around people all the time now. I have a FT remote job and the only time I leave my house if I’m not visiting my boyfriend is to go to the gym or go grocery shopping. Live in my hometown, a pretty small town with not many socializing activities (like music/DJ events, pilates, or other fun classes like painting or pottery like in a bigger city) aside from the bars and do not go to them because I don’t want to see anyone from hs lol. I eventually am planning to move with my boyfriend to a bigger city so hoping I get a better shot at making new friends/connections there where those activities are big. It just worries me that in the future that this is how it’ll be, with a lack of friendships and genuine connection (I know how important it is to have those friendships later on in life and how it affects health too) even with moving so it’s been making me insecure about it and I’d love to change that.
So I’m wondering, how does everyone successfully make AND maintain friendships in the day and age of now after graduating college? Also, when meeting new people, do you have pre-decided topics/things you talk about? Or a list of your things you ask everyone so you don’t have things to run out of talking about?
I’ve always just tried to go with the flow in a convo and if we connect awesome, if we don’t that’s okay too. But it’s more exhausting than picking questions/topics beforehand so I don’t get to that point where I’m struggling to find common ground lol.
If you’d read all the way up to this point, wow, thank you so much in advance! Would love to hear your thoughts and replies.
2 comments
Well, why should people be your friends ? Being lonely is not a valid reason. People interact with you when there is a reason to do so. Merely being kind, respectful, etc., are not traits that people necessarily look for, although you should have them. Are you a fun and exciting person to be around ? Do you impact or bring any value to other people ?
Most people want to be around somebody with exhibits good social skills. So How are your conversations with other people ? Do you have good social skills ? Do you listen to people when they speak, and do you speak when it is your turn to do so ? Oh, and when it is your turn to speak, do you speak with confidence and bring positive energy ? Or are you anxious and quiet ? All of these things are what people notice about you. You need to be exhibiting social skills right from the start. If you aren’t doing so, then you will be perceived as antisocial and you can’t expect people to include you into things. In general, Nobody cares why you are antisocial; they just make the judgement that you aren’t somebody they want to be around. You are how you act. Period.
Most people also like somebody who actively works towards something in life and accomplishes things in life such as goals, hobbies, skills, talents, etc. You need to establish yourself in something i.e. get good or excellent at something that people value or desire, and build a good reputation. Respecting others is fine. But you yourself need to act and carry yourself in a respectable way. People should actually respect you.
Long story short, people, especially after school, care about how you act in social situations, as well as what you do/accomplish in your life and what kind of value you add to their lives. People have to value and respect you. Otherwise, they will replace you with other people.
I think moving out of your hometown will be an important first step, especially since it sounds like you might live somewhat rurally? Or do you live in close proximity to a bigger area that you could hop over to for socializing?
I moved home for a year and a half in between undergrad and grad school, and it sucked so hard. There were too many “ghosts” for me in that town, and it was hard not to feel like a failure for just “going home” and not doing anything better with my life. I returned out of necessity, not because I had something I wanted to move back for.
But yeah, what you’re describing is super common, so if you’re beating yourself up at all please know you’re in good company and it’s not necessarily to do with you as a person. Adult friendships are super hard; time becomes even more scarce once you graduate, as everybody is probably having to get full time jobs to survive. I’ve found that what precious free time you do have left is kind of hoarded; people are a lot choosier with how they want to allocate that free time, and sometimes that means people are less likely to take a chance on a new friendship. When you’re in college the environment is structured in a way that you’re surrounded by loads of people in your age group who are all struggling through the same general things; the massive thing you have in common is being a student. Once having to work kicks in, everybody diversifies into different fields/roles and there’s a lot less in common between any given adult.
I think the best advice I can give here is to really focus on developing hobbies and meeting people who also enjoy those hobbies. Also, reflecting on personal values has really helped me. What do I value, and what do I want to do with my time/energy, can help you narrow down who you don’t want to waste your own limited time on.