What to do when your natural self drives others away?

24M here. I used to be quite socially awkward and fearful of interaction with others. Since my freshman year of college really, this has improved and I think my social skills are actually quite good now. I can pick up on things and generally feel comfortable in social situations. I have no friends right now though. It seems as though I’m not meant to; my natural being causes others to isolate me.

Something that still hasn’t changed since I was a young teenager, is that my natural personality is off-putting to others. It’s obvious and consistent. It’s unfortunate because I like who I am and genuinely enjoy my humor and who I am. But others don’t.

Once I become “myself” around others I’ve built some rapport with by just acting like a normal person, they distance themselves immediately. Like, during that conversation. Then when I’m myself from the get go, the same happens. I’m sure others that have been in this situation recognize how obvious it is. People can’t hide that they’re just very put off by you. And others don’t bother hiding it at all. In group settings, ostracizing comments or actions made towards you are viewed positively by everyone else, as though you’re a monster but you don’t know it and everyone else does. So your exclusion is a good thing for everyone else.

Another example. I gave up being with someone in the past and accepted that being alone is ok and honestly I like my solitude. But the other day, I figured “why not give it another go”. Load up an app. Match with someone (who “liked” me first), they have something edgy in their profile bio so I reference it. They reply positively. I make a sarcastic joke about it. And boom. Within a minute they’re gone.

And I can’t help but laugh. At this point it’s just funny. Because if it isn’t funny, it’s just really depressing. The amount of evidence that has been presented to me regarding how quickly others hold contempt for me (when I am being myself) is unbelievably large. So unbelievably large, it has become hilarious. I convince myself that it’s not the case, so I try again and immediately get met with another situation that contributes to the evidence and I just laugh at myself for thinking I should try again.

I’ve isolated in the past to avoid these feelings, but more importantly to avoid bringing the negative feelings upon others by just existing naturally. And EVERY time I pull myself out of it and start believing in myself again, I immediately get put back in my place.

Morally I’m an antinatalist. But even if I wasn’t, I don’t think it would matter. People just don’t like me. And when I say me, I mean my authentic self. I have good enough social skills to superficially mask as a person people at least don’t mind. At first anyway. That masking can only go so far. But once a hint of my genuine personality comes out. Well. You know the rest.

I could speak for over 24 hours about all the examples I have in my life of this. My best friends from middle school became the one’s ostracizing me in high school. Any close friends I’ve had have ghosted me or we’ve lost touch. There’s something wrong with my natural being (according to others anyway). But boy…that’s just me. More and more I feel like an unintentional villain or something. By no means do I mean to be one. But that’s just who I am, so I will get treated as such and will just have to live with it.

Advice? I’ve already reached the point of acceptance. I did so as a teen. Ive talked to psychiatrists and therapists. My outlook on life and my personality since my teenage years have evolved and changed immensely. Yet these reactions from others have remained static. I accept that this may be how my life is. But I’d like it to not be, so if you have advice, I’m here to hear it. Thanks 🙂